We're sitting in Trevor's fucked as hell car and watching the horror unfold outside. It's like a pack of ravenous wolves are tearing each other apart in a bloody massacre. Kimmy's siblings are ripping up the yard as her mother chases after them, red faced and frustrated. The farmhouse looks too small to fit so many people in it. When Kimmy invited me out for the Fourth, I was hesitant. I'd never been to her house simply because I knew how much I hated large groups of people. I had been casually telling Trevor about the invitation, when he cut me off and insisted that we go. He wanted to meet my best friend and the idea of fucking around with explosives appealed to him too. I'm too overwhelmed by the situation to notice the sheer excitement plastered on Trevor's face.

Trevor gets out of the car and I immediately panic. Christ, I have to introduce him to all these fucking people. We're too fucking weird for this wholesome, candy coated family. I scramble out of the car and stumble after him. I have no fucking clue where Kimmy is and I am absolutely fucking terrified. Her dad is stationed at the grill and I can't really make out his face as the smoke billows into the air. He waves us over and Trevor takes the lead. I don't fucking want to meet him. I want to crawl back into the car and disappear. Where the fuck is Kimmy when I need her?

"Howdy!" Kimmy's dad hollers. "I'm so glad you guys could make it out!"

If they knew Trevor better, fuck, if they knew me better, they wouldn't be happy to have us here. I've never seen Trevor look this happy before. I'm finding the whole experience very surreal. As much as I find this Endeavour terrifying, it warms my heart to see him beaming with happiness like this.

"Nice to meet you!" Trevor says.

He thrusts out his hand and they shake vigorously. What the fuck, I'm living in a fifties TV ad now.

"Hey," I say.

Jesus tits, I'm awkward. I need to try and focus on how happy this is making Trevor even though I'm screaming on the inside. A cluster of toddlers nearly slams into us and they send up a cloud of dust in their wake. Trevor laughs with a little too much enthusiasm. I expect this to bother Kimmy's dad but, he doesn't seem fazed.

"Don't mind the brood," he explains. "I'm Roger."

Roger, do you realize your family is like a fucking zoo and I'm shitting myself? Kimmy, get the fuck out here I need you.

"Thanks for having us out here," Trevor says. "I didn't have anywhere to go today."

Leave it to Trevor to maintain all the necessary social graces. We could've been just laying around in his apartment all day, fuck fireworks and barbecues and loud kids. Why did this appeal to him so much?

"Oh my Kimmy loves to take in strays," Roger says with a really creepy wink.

Fuck, Kimmy, it makes so much more sense now to see why you can't get a man.

"You got a nice plot of land here," Trevor says.

I am impressed with his ability to blend in to this situation. It's unexpected and incredibly sexy.

"Thank you! It's been in the family for a long time now, I'm the first to have more than one kid though so, we'll have to figure out who gets to take over the stead," Roger explains.

You could've just worn a condom, Roger. That could've solved your problem about fifteen kids ago. I start to phase out of their conversation. Trevor is able to communicate on a level of redneck that I don't understand. I cringe a little less every time Trevor laughs too loudly. My mind starts to fixate on the messy state of the yard. Toys are strewn everywhere and the lawn has been run down by the constant pounding of tiny feet. I watch Kimmy's mom down a beer and crush the can in her hand before she continues her endless struggle to contain her spawn.

A cloud of dust broke over the gravel road and I watched a beat-up truck come rumbling toward us. I hadn't seen any of the older kids so I assumed it was them. I felt a wave of relief wash over me when Kimmy hopped out of the truck. More of them pour out of the truck than I had expected. Jesus, how the fuck did they all cram themselves in there? As soon as Kimmy spotted me she let out a high pitched squeal. She came running over to me and wrapped her gangly arms around me. I winced a little, my shoulders hadn't quite finished healing up and it caught me off guard.

"I'm so glad you made it!" Kimmy squeels. "I seriously thought you were going to bail."

I crack a halfhearted smile.

" Thanks for inviting me to the gates of hell," I say.

Kimmy laughs, it's very fake and I see the flicker of anger in her eyes.

"Don't be a bitch," Kimmy growls.

I see her scan the party and I know exactly who she's looking for. She doesn't give two fucks about me showing up. She just wanted to scope out the slab of man meat that I've got my claws dug into. She hasn't seen much of me since Trevor has been around and I know it bothers her. She locks on to him pretty quickly; his uniform makes him stick out like daisy in a wasteland. She gasps and starts tapping me on the shoulder like a giddy fucking cheerleader.

"Oh—my—god," Kimmy squeals. "You brought him?!"

I want to punch her in the mouth. Her excitement is making me blush furiously and I know if she notices she'll give me shit.

"Yes," I squeak.

She seems to grow more puzzled as she looks him over from a distance.

"Uh-I think we need to discuss our different definitions of 'hot'," Kimmy says. "I mean he's not ugly-."

"Just shut up," I say.

Kimmy nods and tries to force a smile but it just looks like she has to take a massive dump. I don't want to introduce her to Trevor. I just don't want to be here. It's too fucking overwhelming. I had never gotten this far with a guy before. I was never introducing him to friends and all that garbage. I had never planned to do this either. I knew my time with Trevor was going to be short, so why the fuck bother with all this shit?

"Where were you?" I ask.

I feel somewhat hurt that she wasn't here to protect me from this awkward disaster when I arrived.

"We were just getting some last minute supplies," Kimmy explains. "We never have enough fireworks."

I'll admit I do enjoy fireworks. I hate the patriotic bullshit that goes along with this holiday but, I do enjoy fucking with explosives. I just hate the sick need I always get the day after to clean up every last scrap from the streets. At least I won't have to worry about it this year.

"So, do I get to meet him or are we just going to stare at him all night?" Kimmy asks.

I know at this point there's no way to avoid this dreadful situation. I can tell she already thinks he's weird. I know deep down I shouldn't give two fucks what Kimmy thinks of my life choices but, I can't help myself. She's the only friend I have and I don't want to lose her over a man that I know isn't going to stick around. We make our way over to the grill and Roger beams with pride to see Kimmy approaching. I feel a bit jealous to see how much that fucker loves his family. My dad was never that happy to see me.

"Kimmy! Honey, come meet Trevor, we're having a grand old time here," Roger says.

Jesus Christ, who actually fucking talks like this?

"Kimmy," I say. "This is my boyfriend, Trevor."

I'm making an excellent job of turning this situation into an awkward mess. When Trevor shakes Kimmy's hand, I'm scared he's going to snap it right off of her wrist. He's so big compared to her that I know he wouldn't have any issues snapping her in half.

"Trevor, this is my friend Kimmy," I say.

I want to slap him when I watch his eyes flick over her body quickly. Christ, I know men are shallow and I know Kimmy is pretty but he at least could try to hide it from me.

"I've heard so much about you!" Kimmy says. "I'm so glad I could finally meet you."

Trevor looks alarmed by her statement. Time to do damage control. He probably thinks I've been telling her all his personal information so we can turn him in to the lizard men. Sometimes I think he's more fucking paranoid than I am.

"She knows you make me happy," I say through gritted teeth.

Trevor shifts his gaze between the two of us and lets out a nervous laugh.

"Right—" He says.

I slip my arm through his and squeeze the tense muscle that's bulging beneath his uniform.

"So, what did you get for us, dear?" Roger asks.

Kimmy starts rattling off how she blew her father's money and I pull Trevor back. Kimmy didn't mean to set him off, she had no fucking clue. But fuck, sometimes I wanted to pop her in the face for the oblivious comments she made.

"Calm the fuck down," I whisper to him.

He shoots me a nasty look. I hope he doesn't blow up and make a scene. I don't want to think about all these kids shitting their pants at the same time.

"What have you told her?" He hisses.

I let out a frustrated sigh.

"Your dick is big and you put up with my bullshit," I explain. "See? Nothing bad."

I can't tell if that calmed him down at all. He won't wipe that stern expression off his face. I just stare right back at him. I have to exude strength around him. It seems to work on rare occasions; it's the only thing in my arsenal that seems to prove somewhat consistent with him.

Without changing his expression he asks, "You really think it's big?"

Jackass, I could punch him the nuts right now. I loosen my grip on his arm.

"Yes, it's like a fucking freight train, are you happy?" I snap.

He grins and I can't help but smile too. This little shit has me caught in his web and he knows it.

The party doesn't become any less tense for me. Kimmy keeps getting caught up in her family and I can't really blame her. There's so fucking many of them and her mom needs the help. Trevor is like the fucking social butterfly that I desperately need in my life. If he hadn't been around, I probably would've left by now. By the time the sun finally sets, I've guzzled down enough booze to gain some social skills. Ask me to pick up a man, sure I can do that sober. Ask me to socialize with my best friend's family and it's fucking impossible. It makes no fucking sense to me.

Some of the little ones try to get me to do stupid things with them but it just doesn't pan out. I don't deal with kids well. They make me uncomfortable but, Trevor handles them like a fucking champ. This shit blows my mind beyond belief. Being surprised by his behavior has gotten to the point that it's almost not shocking at all. I both love and hate that feeling. He's a set of contradictions that confuse me. Just when I think I've got him pinned down he pulls shit like this. The only time the kids stop shrieking is when they're stuffing hot dogs down their throats. Watching the trash gradually accumulate in the yard makes me tense up. I can hear that bitch in my head telling me to start tidying up but I don't want to do this here. I want to pick at my skin, I want to make it bleed and sting so I can shut her up but this isn't the place. If I can't pick and I can't clean, how the fuck am I supposed to silence this deafening scream in my head? I need to leave, I need to run off into the fields and bash my skull against a rock.

"Hey!"

Trevor's firm call startles me. I'm so wrapped up in my bullshit again that I don't notice he's standing in front of me. He sits down next to me and slides another beer in my hand.

"Not right now," He barks. "Just drink that."

How does he know? I don't question it. I seize the break in my thoughts to gain control again. I pop open the can of beer and bring it to my lips. It's not at all as cold as I like but, I don't want to feel tense. I need the alcohol to loosen me up. We watch Kimmy hand out sparklers to the little kids and I feel like the grumpy old maid. Trevor though, fuck, he loves it. There little shrieks of joy and the clumsy way they wave around their little wands seem to leave him glowing.

"I never would've guessed you liked kids," I point out.

Fuck, he looks happy right now. It makes me feel good. Really fucking good.

"I fucking love 'em," Trevor says. "You don't?"

"It's not that I don't like them," I say. "I just don't think I'm any good with them."

He gets this devilish look in his eye and I just shake my head. I'm not having this conversation right now. It's a waste of fucking time to talk about this with him. As much as I hate to admit it, it's true. We have no future, Trevor Philips, so let's not bring that up ever again.

"C'mon, this is fun!" Trevor says. "Are you really gonna let your bullshit get in the way?"

I never really thought about how tense I was all the time. It was just a fact of life. I never thought to say: what am I missing out on? Even now when I thought I was calm I really wasn't. My chest feels tight, I feel the panic lingering in my mind and I just want to scrape off my skin till I bleed.

"I'm not," I say.

I know it's a lie. Trevor knows too and he won't let it slip.

"Seriously, what if one of these brats took a dump right in front of you?" Trevor says. "What would you do, start fucking bleaching the entire yard?"

I flash him a smile.

"No, I'd just throw it in your face," I tease.

He laughs so hard that he spills beer all over his trousers. This, of course, bothers me and I have to look away. Trevor snaps his fingers at me and I look back at him. He seems pissed again.

"Knock it off," Trevor says.

He sounds very serious now. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I want to say I can't just turn it off but, I realize that's not true. When shit hits the fan; I can turn it off. Why not now? Why not here?

"C'mon lets go blow up some shit," Trevor says. "I'm buzzed and I want to make things go boom."

I wasn't drunk enough to just go along with him but, I wanted to fight that bitch in my head. I didn't want to be left with my obsessive thoughts. I follow him to the pile of fireworks that's been laid out neatly in the yard. I don't see how it's okay for us just to waltz up here and start firing shit off but, I don't protest. I keep glancing over at Roger who's setting some saucers up in the gravel road. Trevor pulls out one of the stout rockets from the pile and hefts it in his hands a bit. He looks like a little boy to me at that moment and I feel so old compared to him.

I can't remember the last time I beamed like that over fireworks. For a moment, I actually expect him to just walk off with the rocket and set it up with Roger but, I should've known better. He stuffs the rocket under his shoulder and then starts kicking all the fireworks into a massive pile.

"What the fuck are you doing?" I ask.

I can hear the nervousness in my voice. The uncertainty in his actions makes me feel ill.

"Just chill the fuck out okay?" Trevor snaps. "Don't be a buzz kill."

I'm getting a bad feeling about this. He's agitated and has alcohol streaming through his veins, it's a combination that inevitably leads to trouble. I look back over at Kimmy and her family. They are too caught up in their bliss to notice him. I gasp and feel a sharp pain on my forearm. I look down to discover I've been picking at my arm. A nice trickle of blood is coming out of the new wound.

"Trevor…" I say.

"What!?" He snaps.

He is so loud that I'm surprised Kimmy's family doesn't notice. The saucers are whirring and spinning in the road and all the kids are squealing in delight. Trevor grabs my arm and yanks me closer.

"Really!? Fucking really?" Trevor snaps as he holds my fresh wound up to my face.

I rip my arm out of his grasp and push him away.

"Yes! Really, Trevor!" I retort. "You're setting me fucking off!"

I'm so fucking mad right now that I can barely think. The rest of the world doesn't exist to me at the moment. I was enjoying my perfectly awkward party and Trevor had to fucking ruin everything. He was just being a little punk.

"Set you off?!" Trevor screams. "Oh, I'll fucking set you off!"

I hear Kimmy say my name but, I'm too pissed to listen. Trevor tosses his rocket on top of the pile. As he digs a lighter out of his pocket he just glares at me in disgust. I realize what he's going to do. It's in that moment that everything turns off, just like it always does when the shit hits the fan.

"Trevor, don't-" I say.

He flicks his finger across the lighter and the little yellow flame pops up. That grin that turned my legs to jelly the first night we met now puts my stomach in knots. Trevor had surprised me today with his softer side and now he was scaring me with this monster.

I let out a gasp as he lit the rocket and took a step back. I felt Kimmy's hand touch my shoulder. Everything around us seemed to slow down. I could hear her siblings screaming as they ran away. Roger and her mother were shouting at us but, I couldn't believe this was really happening. Kimmy tugs so hard on my shoulder that I stagger back. The fireworks start to spark and whistle like a chilling orchestra of death.

Colors and light explode into the air and I just drop face down to the ground. I know it's too late to run. I can hear Trevor's laugh even over the roar of the fireworks. The kids are screaming and Kimmy keeps shouting at me. What the fuck has he done? What fucking drove him to do something this fucking stupid? I feel the heat of the embers landing on my back and I jerk away from the pain. I try to wriggle away and I watch the sparks and flames lick at the dirt behind me.

It finally stops and my nostrils fill with the stink of charred earth and sulfur. Trevor is still laughing like a madman when I look up from the ground. I'm covered with dirt and my shirt is singed in spots. Kimmy's siblings are screaming and crying and I can hear Roger trying to calm them down. I don't feel any fear anymore. I know we need to leave. There's a damn good chance Trevor and I will go to prison for this. When I get up, I see Kimmy just staring at me. Her hair is a mess and her mouth is wide open. She looks so betrayed but, I can't comfort her right now. I have things to take care of.

"We're leaving," I say.

She just opens and closes her mouth a few times, trying to find the words. I won't give her a chance to speak. I walk over to Trevor with a clear purpose. He is completely caught up in the sheer delight he derives from the chaos he's just unleashed. I watch Kimmy's mother run into the house. I know she's going to call the cops. If she's not doing that, it'll be a goddamn fucking shock to me. I grab Trevor's arm. When he glances at me, the joy completely drains from his face. I must look absolutely fucking terrifying right now because the maniac that was here moments before now looks like a terrified little boy.

"Trevor," I say.

My voice sounds so calm that even I feel comforted by the sound. The bitch is quiet right now, she won't speak up until I'm home alone in my bed with nothing but the darkness.

"Time to go," I finish.

I drag him to the car and climb in to the driver's seat. I'm terrible at driving stick but, I refuse to give him control over anything. The tires squeal as I peel down the gravel road, kicking up rocks and dust in our wake. The silence in the car makes me even more aware of just how empty I feel right now. I can't muster any ounce of emotion. I want to be angry; I want to smash his fucking face into the dashboard a thousand times and watch the blood spatter on the windshield. I'm on autopilot to get him home. It's possible that he just put us in to a position where we'll be on the run. I won't run though. If they want to arrest me, I'll go willingly. It'll be easier and it's more likely I'll walk away scot free.

I only stall the engine a few times on the drive back. I can't even look at Trevor, when I do, he cowers like a child. He literally cowers. I don't understand how I suddenly have this power over him. I would over analyze the fuck out of it later but, I couldn't right now. When I pull up to the gate at the base, I hold my hand out to him for his ID. I can barely feel the piece of plastic when he hands it to me. His touch is so meek that I can't believe it's him sitting in the car next to me. The guards don't look suspicious. By now they must know my face.

"He's drunk" I lie, dangling the ID in their face.

They chuckle and raise the barrier to let me in. When I pull into the spot in front of his apartment, it's so quiet I can hear the seat belt click as I undo it.

"Trevor," I say.

I don't like how matronly I sound when I speak. But it's a part of me that comes out in times like this. It was there even when I was kid watching my mom crying on the floor just after my dad beat the living shit out of her.

"D-don't be mad," Trevor stammers.

Holy fucking Christ, he sounds like a child.

"Let's go inside," I say. "We need to figure out what we're doing."

He starts sobbing like a fucking baby. I'm too shell shocked to be disturbed. I get out of the car and walk around to the other side. I open the car door and reach in. I have to undo his seat belt and try to pull him out of the car. He's like a massive rag doll in my arms. He's just shaking and sniveling like a kid. I don't think I'm strong enough to carry him but, I try to drag him into the building anyway. He drags his feet and I think if he wasn't walking I'd be on the ground trapped beneath his limp body. My back is screaming under his weight.

The bitch speaks a little bit; I'm not alarmed by it. She tells me I need to leave him. He's far more fucked up than I am and it's dangerous to be with a man like this. I can't abandon him right now though. He needs somebody and I'm the only person here. I fumble with the keys and barely get the door open before he slips away from me in to the apartment. He curls up on the floor, babbling and crying like a madman. I feel so fucking numb right now, someone could clock me in the head and I wouldn't even care. I get down on the floor next to him and start stroking his forehead with my fingertips.

"Trevor?" I coo. "Can you talk to me?"

"Mommy's going to be so fucking mad at me," Trevor cries. "Please don't tell her. Please, please please."

It's odd to hear but, I still feel completely blank. I already have the questions in my head formulated. I know just what I need to ask him to get the situation resolved. We need a plan. We need to be prepared for the consequences of his actions and it's all that I can concentrate on.

"I don't know your mother, Trevor," I say. "So, it's going to be hard for me to tell her anything."

He reacts so quickly that I do actually feel a flicker of terror. He grabs my wrist and pulls me down to the ground. He pins me on my back and hovers over me. His eyes are glistening with tears and his face is red with anger. I just stare right back at him. I know my face must look cold right now but I can't help myself. It's just what happens to me in times like this.

"Don't you fucking tell her or I'll fucking slit your throat," Trevor hisses.

It occurs to me that he's so unstable he could murder me right here. I don't feel terror at that realization I just accept the possibility. It was really a queer situation to be in. I could be dead in a few hours and I'm not panicking but, leave a stray piece of paper in the middle of the room and I will go into a hysterical fit. Fuck my life.

"Your mother is the last thing we need to fucking worry about," I say.

He hasn't let me go. His grip is so tight on my arms that my hands are going numb. The weight of his body pressed against my pelvis keeps my legs from moving. I'm frozen: inside and out.

"Promise me!" Trevor spits. "Promise me you won't fucking tell her!"

"I promise." I say.

I don't give a fuck but, I know if I don't say something I won't get him to settle down. We needed a plan. He still won't let go but, I see the rage ebbing away from his face.

"I need you to talk to me now, Trevor," I say.

The veins in his neck bulge and his Adam's apple bounces with every breath he takes in. I feel very unsettled when I notice how attractive he is to me right now. It's the oddest notion to come to me in a moment like this. I can't believe how fucked up I am.

"Why did you do that?" I ask.

His grip loosens, ever so slightly, but he stays planted on top of me. I don't care if he moves.

"I was tired of you shit," Trevor explains. "I wanted to show how to really cut loose."

I want to slap him yet I just can't muster up the feelings to make the action manifest itself. I want to feel something. I want to feel anything aside from this numb sensation. I just feel this driving instinct to preserve us. I can't understand it all.

"That wasn't the best place for that, Trevor," I say. "If Kimmy's family wants they could get us put in prison."

This angers him even more. He clamps down on my wrists and slams them back down on the floor. It hurts but I don't even flinch. This seems to piss him off. He has no idea that I stopped flinching in situations like this when I was a little girl. He'll never know why either.

"Well, it's your goddamn fault!" Trevor yells. "If you weren't being such a goddamn bitch, I wouldn't have done it!"

Anger broke though just then, I could feel it burning in my gullet.

"It was not my fucking fault!" I spat. "I didn't fucking set off the entire fucking pile of fireworks! That was your candy ass!"

He makes a guttural noise of rage and it only fuels my rising temper. At least I can feel angry now. I wriggle and squirm to try and get out from under him but he's stronger than me. I just spit in his face.

Trevor freezes as my saliva drips down his sharp, pointed nose and onto his lips. His upper lip and his left brow start twitching. I know I just put him over the edge but I don't care. He's a fucking idiot and I'm fucking pissed. He just completely fucked up the one good thing I had going in my life. Maybe it was my calm slipping or just nearly three decades of pent up frustration bubbling out but I literally felt hot with rage. My face was warm and I could feel the heat radiating down my neck. I hate him so fucking much right now. I hate myself too. I can't believe I was stupid enough to let this sick fuck into my life. I hated myself for giving a shit about him. I try to squirm more furiously, jerking my limbs to try and knock him off. He slams me back down with ease and I scream.

"Fuck you, Trevor! Fuck you! This isn't my fucking fault, you sack of shit! What the fuck makes you think you can do shit like that!? How fucking dare you!? I'm going to rip out your fucking throat and stuff shit in the gaping hole you use—"

He closes his mouth over mine and I feel his tongue being thrust into my mouth. I want to keep hating him but I don't. I feel him release my limbs and ease off of me a bit, shifting his weight just enough so if I want to I can leave. I pull back and take in a breath. There's no time for this but I want it now. I want him. The cops could come knocking on his door any minute and I haven't sorted anything out that needs to be set in stone. For once in my life I don't care. I push him off and straddle him. My assertive behavior drives him wild. I can see it in his eyes.

"Fuck-I love you," I gasp.

I can't believe my stupidity. I can't believe how fucking much I love him. Everything about Trevor Philips makes me want to hate him. I can't predict his actions, I never know what he's thinking and he leaves nothing but destruction in his wake. He embodies everything that terrifies me. He incarnates every aspect of life that sets off the bitch in my head and makes me want to claw off of my own flesh. But Jesus fucking Christ, I love him. He's exactly what I fucking need.

"I knew already," Trevor says.

Of course he fucking did. I trace my fingers across his lips and down along his neck.

"We better hurry," I whisper. "If the cops are coming, they'll be here soon."