The Losing Side
Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.
A/N: This story got tricker with this chapter. D: I didn't take into consideration how hard it is to make crack sound rational.
Chapter 4: Father's Destructive Passion, Thesis Two
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
"The nice thing 'bout pessimism is how yer constantly being proven correct or pleasantly surprised."
"The irony of that statement is how optimistic a view on pessimism it is."
Madarame Ikkaku appraised Kuchiki Byakuya's passionless face and figured it was just unbelievably not worth it. He had met the 6th Division captain when he and Kenpachi had paused outside Renji's cottage to debate whether one dish of borscht was enough to gain entry for two people. Byakuya, who had brought a Kuchiki butler along bearing two baskets of libations, was promptly accosted by the belled cat captain and the butler relieved of a basket. Byakuya had borne the other basket himself and knocked upon his lieutenant's door, refusing to acknowledge the purloining prick grinning behind his back. Uryuu had let them all in and now they were scattered around Renji's living room on various cushions, snacking on goodies and swigging at their drinks.
"Abarai," Kenpachi fired at a merry Renji, "Are ya serious 'bout invitin' the freak?"
Byakuya stiffened slightly before remembering not all derogatory remarks made by Kenpachi were for him; some were reserved for the head of the Research Institution. His subordinate threw his ass down on a cushion next to the 11th's commander and frowned.
"He already said he was coming, cap'n. So there isn't much left for me to be serious about, y'know?"
"Che. Dunno what the hell you were thinkin'. Man's nuttier than a cashew and a pussy to go along with."
"You know, Zaraki?" Byakuya called out, leaving off butchering Ikkaku's brave attempts at bold speech, "They didn't allow the clinically insane to enter Gotei 13 before you arrived on the scene."
"Fuckin' pioneer, ain't I?" Kenpachi leered invulnerably back at the aristocrat, who turned his face away. Renji topped his class off and drank directly from the jug himself, swilling the contents around before finishing it off.
"What next? Uryuu, you up to makin' a few margaritas?"
"Marga...what?"
The redhead hauled the brunet to his feet and led him to the mini-bar. "They're the best. Lemme show ya."
000
Mayuri was fashionably late.
Kenpachi didn't get it, and was not appeased by the pastries he toted with him either.
"Fucking toilet seat-head, if you can't come on time don't come at all."
"Zaraki-taichou seems to be functioning normally," Mayuri thrust the bag of food at Renji, who'd opened the door for him, and felt the big guy's pulse. "Perhaps alcohol doesn't affect those already afflicted by minimal cognizant abilities? A theory well worth looking into should it apply to narcotics and sedatives."
Kenpachi wrenched his wrist away. "You are way too weird."
The blue haired scientist looked around him and nodded to the other men, all of whom were observing him with a wary, amused air save for Uryuu, who was still in the mini-bar mixing margaritas. Like that stopped him from shooting Mayuri a dirty glare when the man sat himself down on the cushion closest to the human. Kenpachi and Renji sat as well and the sweetmeats were distributed amongst them. Kuchiki Byakuya was the one with the balls to take the first bite; after keenly observing him for a minute to assure themselves that Mayuri hadn't slipped them experimental chemicals the rest followed suit.
Uryuu served the margaritas and very obviously passed over Mayuri. Renji raised an objection, but the mad scientist demurred.
"I intend to keep my wits about me in order to observe the male mind in comfortable company."
The man was insane, but at least he was entertaining. In a way. In a way that pissed off everybody. Did he seriously think any company that included himself could be considered comfortable? Ikkaku already had a look on his face that implied his evening would've been better spent sparring Tetsuzaemon from the 7th Division. Renji was worrying that his first party with Uryuu might turn out to be a dud. The Quincy sat next to the redhead, who shrugged and held Uryuu's hand in the air.
"To the guest! The first Quincy to pay a social visit to Seireitei!"
"Renji," Byakuya quietly shot him down, "That boy's grandfather was a friend of mine in his younger days."
"Cap'n?" Renji blinked. "You're shitting me."
The Kuchiki clan head raised an eyebrow to denote that he was no shitter, and Uryuu gaped. He'd known his grandfather had spent a lot of time in Soul Society working against the way shinigami treated the Quincy, but he hadn't imagined him to have made friends. Hot damn, was there no end to that man's awesomeness?
"You knew my grandfather?"
Byakuya nodded. "He was perhaps twenty or so. A lot of our views coincided. He stopped visiting as Seireitei's stance against the Quincy proved more stubborn than he'd thought. I was sorry to hear of his...misfortune." His eyes wouldn't slide to Mayuri's face, no, he was too good for that. And 'misfortune' was too good a word to describe what had been done to the man, but Uryuu didn't blame Byakuya for being delicate about it.
"So..." Renji cast around for safer waters to steer the topic into. "I heard this toilet joke from Tanaka of the 8th..."
"Kurotsuchi is a toilet joke," Kenpachi rumbled, shooting a candid glance at the quietly observing captain. "Why do you wear that thing, anyway?"
"I assure you it has nothing to do with any painfully unwitty puns you can devise regarding fecal matter," Mayuri sounded rather bored. "Is this really what men do once gathered? I feel like I'm wasting my evening..."
"Join the club," Ikkaku muttered darkly into his glass.
"...Nemu needs an upgrade I could be seeing to..."
"I'd upgrade to her any day," Ikkaku muttered again. Considering the pathetic quality of that slur, it was probably safe to assume his mutterings were more drunken than dark. Boredom kept him hitting the liquor harder than the others. Sitting around like this was no one's idea of a fun time, not among those gathered. Renji felt his future as an awesome host slipping away. And that's when he came to the questionable conclusion that to save the reputation he had yet to build, he needed to spike Kurotsuchi Mayuri's drink.
Thoroughly.
"Cap'n, have some tea," Renji shoved a glass at the man that had some of the happy drugs Yamada Hanatarou had left behind last month, when he'd visited the lieutenant at home to heal him. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but had the poor kid known Renji was going to abuse them this way he would've had a fit. Kurotsuchi Mayuri sniffed the concoction with a moderate level of paranoia; he didn't really expect the gorgeous haired vice-captain to have the scientific spirit nor intellect to try and poison him. He would bank on stupidity but Renji was the kind of stupid that liked to attack head-on. (And Retsu was the kind of girl who made her drugs undetectable precisely because she anticipated having to use them on Mayuri one day. When, you know. They finally wheeled him into her care for excessive creepiness.)
She had a whole ward reserved for the madman, but Mayuri who was as of now blissfully unaware of his eventual fate gulped down the green liquid with a satisfied smack of the lips.
"Observation must be thirsty work?" Renji asked cheerfully as he refilled the glass. Byakuya and Kenpachi were talking (that could be leading nowhere good) so he kept an ear out for signs of danger, but other than that he was solely focused on getting Mayuri high. He felt a twinge of regret as Ikkaku snorted at the attention being paid to the 12th's highest officer, but ignored it because he was fairly sure the bald man would enjoy Mayuri's disarmament as much as the next man.
Though seeing as how the next man was Uryuu, that assumption could well be called into question...
"That is incorrect. A simple-minded thought born of the apparent inability to distinguish between physical and mental exertion." Mayuri queerly surveyed Renji's reddening face. "And Kuchiki Byakuya chose you to be his lieutenant? ...Interesting."
"But, uh. Talking would dry out a man's tongue, right?"
"Perhaps. This tea is rather unusual," commented the freak Kenpachi so fondly reached out to cuff. Mayuri sputtered and grabbed the hilt of his sword.
"What is the meaning of this, Zaraki Kenpachi?"
"It means you're borin' me t'hell," the stone monolith replied, "Talk about somethin' I can understand."
"The effort involved in lowering my intelligence to your level might irreparably damage it," Mayuri loftily said. Byakuya closed his eyes and Renji beseechingly looked at him. The drug he'd been dosed with chose that exact moment to react to a poison he'd been trying on himself (merely to see if his body still responded the same way as Nemu's. Sometimes he needed to restock her with humanity...) and the happy drug became a fucking depressant. Mayuri struggled with a suddenly heavy-hearted feeling, immediately putting the tea glass down.
"I do, however, have one topic that might be something you can relate to," he nodded to Kenpachi, who seemed less than convinced. "Issues with progeny."
"What?"
"Children," Byakuya elucidated with a grimace. He and Hisana had never had any. Whoever said you couldn't miss what you didn't have? Byakuya missed fatherhood very much. Kenpachi blinked and looked extremely annoyed.
"I got no kids."
Mayuri wasn't really listening. "Nemu has recently been displaying that most unattractive of emotions. Every time I turn around she's ready with a question on Kurosaki Ichigo. It's disrupting the atmosphere in the lab. I'm this close," he put thumb and forefinger together, "To dismantling her."
Ikkaku studied the nonexistent space between his digits. "But that's..."
"Yes," Mayuri nodded, "I've already done it once. I'll probably do it again when I go home tonight." He frowned, studying Renji with accusation. "What did you put in my tea, you foolish man?"
"Absolutely nothing," Renji never missed a beat, "Have some borscht."
"Or these..." Kenpachi held up a packet of baked biscuits that were in one of Byakuya's baskets, "...uh, things I got. I made 'em m'self."
Byakuya sniffed disdainfully, desperate to roll his eyes but too unaffected to do so. Uryuu was still putting everything he had into denying Mayuri's existence. The company settled in to hear the fucker out.
"I made her because I needed her," complained Mayuri, "And that slut is developing her own personality? What am I to do when she copulates with the human; pander to a pregnant daughter's hormonal whims? Though I suppose I could make her sterile. The emotional baggage she's heaving is getting on my nerves, that's the root of the issue. I should wipe her mind clean. But what use is a robot to me; I made an independent being dependent on me precisely so that she would never betray me. Sharing her devotion with someone else was never part of my plan."
There was a pause.
"You're a sick bastard," Kenpachi informed him with relish. As if it needed pointing out. Ikkaku looked nonplussed by Mayuri's callous speech even though he'd heard some variation or the other before. He ventured forth with a tentative comment.
"Ain't Ichigo interested in Byakuya's sister?"
"Bloody brilliant," Mayuri shrieked, "Unrequited love! Oh, just the thing to keep her focus on science."
Uryuu and Renji looked sheepish, as if they'd been slacking off on their lives due to uncherished feelings too. Byakuya saved their sorry asses by swiveling the topic smoothly.
"Kurotsuchi-taichou, are you sure you're not feeling threatened by the loss of her attention?"
Mayuri snorted gently at him. "Isn't it obvious? Nemu is my most potent weapon. And the most convenient...if her priorities change it would be a great deal easier for an assassin to carry out his job and neutralize me."
"No one wants to kill you," Byakuya said placatingly, and Kenpachi had to laugh.
"Dunno what you're talkin' about, Kuchiki, I'd skewer the bastard if I thought the old gramps would let me get away with it."
"Can't you show respect to Yamamoto-dono at least," Byakuya seethed, and Kenpachi just laughed again. Uryuu had a brilliant doubt that he put forth to Renji because he was so incredibly unwilling to speak to Mayuri, and the redhead frowned at how much sense it made as he voiced it.
"Why the hell did Nemu-san fall for Ichigo? Has she ever been alone with him? In fact we all thought it was Uryuu she'd taken a liking to," Renji pointed, "The way she looks at him."
"She was built to look at everyone the exact same way," said Mayuri indifferently, "And as for developing feelings for the Kurosaki hero, well. Who says she needs to have had a one-on-one experience for that? The boy has shown enough dramatic examples of 'heroism' to sway most of Seireitei in his direction."
There was a fair, contemplative pause as they all recalled the Winter War and the substitute shinigami's pivotal role in it.
The scientific zealot took another swig of drink and muttered, "Of course the real heroes are us in the lab. But trust the administration to forget us. They look for fair faces first in their dash to award laurels. Achievements of significance come second."
"Jealous little shit, arencha, Kurotsuchi?" Kenpachi's unpleasant face looked pleasantly pleased by the fact.
"Of that brainless simian? Please."
Kenpachi grunted. "Whatever, I ain't gonna waste my time tryin' to make you see it. But you're damn right Ichigo's getting too popular for his own good." The Rukongai ruffian put down his glass with a threatening air (only Kenpachi, I swear) and looked askance at Ikkaku, who'd made a sound suspiciously reminiscent of a snicker.
"Somethin' in your throat, Ikkaku?"
"Yeah," his 3rd seat said hastily, "That's gotta be it, cap'n."
Kenpachi squinted in doubt but Ikkaku had his game face on. Butter wouldn't melt on his tongue et al. After a few minutes of this had attracted everyone else's attention, Byakuya patiently burst out (only Byakuya, I swear), "Are you going to tell us what this is all about?"
"Nothin'."
Uryuu raised his eyebrows. "You like Kurosaki. Why is he too popular for his good all of a sudden?"
"Perhaps," suggested Mayuri, "You find yourself under the same spell of jealousy that you accused me of."
"Yachiru," Kenpachi said abruptly, and then fell into quiet mutiny. It didn't last long. He equally abruptly said, "Thinks he's really cool." And then Ikkaku made that noise again. Kenpachi wasted no time in knocking his lights out; not that it took much considering all the drink the bald man recently imbibed. Nonetheless Renji shouted in alarm and fussed until Uryuu shoved Ikkaku's unconscious body out of their way.
Byakuya had to poke fun at the situation because, hello. This chance was too rare to be passed up.
"Well, well, well. And Unohana-san was telling me the other day you and Kurotsuchi would never be able to find anything in common."
"I didn't fuckin' make Yachiru, a'ight?" Kenpachi's discomfort was like ambrosia to the aristocrat's airy heart. "She's not my daughter or shit and I ain't got a problem with it. Just, you know. Ain't good for Ichigo to be so popular. He'd get a big head."
"Who, Zaraki? Who exactly do you think you're fooling?"
"Shut the hell up!"
Ikkaku came to his senses just as Byakuya opened his mouth to tell Kenpachi he would not shut up. They all turned to look at him, Renji offering him a draft of water to cool down. The skinhead took the story thread into his own hands and told it while Kenpachi growled adversely, to nobody's intimidation. They were so jaded these days, his subordinates and colleagues. He thought wistfully of the time when he could have them all pissing themselves with one irate glance and then thought he had better pay attention to his officer's words.
"It's like this." Ikkaku was addressing Renji alone, pretending like the rest of them weren't listening too. "Captain is bored half t'death and wants to go fight Ichigo. Kusajishi-fukutaichou makes a passin' comment about how she's a fan of the kid and likes him as much as she likes Byakush...ah," he suddenly decided, seeing the look in Byakuya's eyes, that he rather liked his afterlife, "Kuchiki-taichou. And Zaraki-taichou wants to know when this happened and she says it was when Ichigo was fightin' in Hueco Mundo. Cap'n figured it's only a matter of time before the lieutenant decides Ichigo is cooler than cap'n too, and starts mopin'."
"I wasn't fuckin' moping. Ikkaku, do you wanna die?"
"'Pologies, cap'n. 'Pologies."
"So," Byakuya said quietly, "Kurosaki Ichigo is really very popular."
Kenpachi snorted, unwilling to be drawn in and compromised any further than he already had. Mayuri, under the influence, glared with eerie control at Renji and muttered something dire about seeing to his body being sacrificed for science before falling over in a stupor. Ikkaku swore loudly and Byakuya sighed, rising to go fetch the blue haired man's daughter/lieutenant/miscellaneous. Uryuu, saturated with loathing, claimed he needed some fresh air and walked out with him. Renji saw the 11th Divisioners out and came back to find himself alone with a senseless scientist.
All in all?
A pretty bad night.
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
Like I haven't told enough people already, I will now announce it to anyone who reads this: today in med school I met my first cadaver. :3