"JAMES POTTER! PUT YOUR WAND BACK IN YOUR PANTS!"

Chapter Four

(In which Lily dances on the breakfast table, and smells James)

Lily's diary returns for the (eagerly anticipated) chapter four!

Disclaimer:Fine, the police did make me give back JKR's characters and her money, but they could not take my sense of humour. Or Cate. Or Spot. People pay money for them to steal. Grumble.

Dedication:To the reviewers, thanks for all your support. Louise Rennison & JKR you are my baby Jesus' thanks for being such inspirations.

Author's Note: Hello, Hello! I absolutely love writing this story, so this is just so much fun. It sounds like you guys get a good laugh out of reading it. On another note x the pumpkin queen x is translating this fanfic into French, which is very exciting for me! (especially as I'm learning French). Thank you very much to her.

NEWTs, blah blah, NEWTs, blah blah, NEWTS

September 2nd

7:45

Breakfast

It's Quiet.

Too quiet, in fact.

7:50

You know the house elves make some fab Vitamin T.

Much better than my toaster makes at home.

Still no one at the table.

Not even Remus.

8:15

I really should get a new toaster.

That's the first thing I will buy with my freedom.

What's the exchange rate for freedom?

Sometime after pondering the exchange rate of freedom

Enter The Marauders.

Finally someone to talk to, even if it is them.

James isn't looking at me.

Wonder why?

Sirius seems to have no problem.

One minute later

Maybe he talked about me in the nuddy-pants to his friends.

And now he's filled with guilt.

Ew. They talked about me naked?!

I don't know if I'm enjoying their company as much now.

One minute after one minute later

This is ridiculous.

It's silent at the Gryffindor table.

I will have to make first contact.

"Soooo…" I began,

They just looked at me like I had broken a vow of silence.

"You guys become monks have you?"

No reply.

Not even from Peter.

"Errr…what do you guys like for breakfast?"

Mon Dieu! This is going nowhere, and I'm getting frustrated.

"TALK TO MEEEEEEEEEEE!" I screamed, getting a rather shocked expression from Professor Mc Gonagall.

OH.MY.GOD.

Nothing.

Not a sound.

I have embarrassed myself for nothing.

Come on Lils, you can do it. Mind-Cate told me.

I'm afraid I will have to take her up on that offer.

I have been possessed.

"I'M LILY EVANS, QUEEN OF THE WORLD!"

I said, kicking over the grape bowl.

"AND JAMES POTTER IS MY KING!"

This is quite fun I must say, but still there is no words from the cloister.

"AND SIRIUS CAN JOIN US FOR A THREESOME!"I screamed getting carried away and jumping straight into James' lap, causing him to topple of the bench, with me on top of him.

Inches away from his face.

I was on top of the world, and James Potter.

"OH MY GOD LILS!" I heard from the doors, Cate has entered the building. "Hold still I need a mental picture!"

Oh hardy, har, har.

"MISS EVANS! KINDLY GET OFF OF MISTER POTTER IMMEDIATELY! AND REPORT TO MY OFFICE AFTER BREAKFAST!"

I dismounted James (Shut up, mind-Cate!) and sat back down on the bench.

I was sharing the exact qualities as a tomato.

Red & more red.

"THANKS FOLKS! TUNE IN FOR REPLAYS AT LUNCH, DINNER AND BREAKFAST ALL THIS WEEK" Sirius said.

Bitch.

I will now have to become a nun.

But after the whole fandango this morning they may not accept me since I practically had sex with James at breakfast.

Which is kinda gross.

I have now ruined my whole life.

Remus, put his hand over mine, in that soothing way, that my mum does.

Maybe that's what monk-dom does to you.

Still I am so killing them, and Cate.

I gave the evils to Cate, who had possessed me.

She was too busy scarfing down Vitamin T.

I looked up for an answer from The Marauders.

They were all looking guilty.

Even Sirius did.

While he was eating.

I didn't think that was possible.

Anyway.

"Please tell me I did not ruin my life for a really stupid pathetic reason?" I hissed.

James ruffled his hair in that really cute way that- indicated he was guilty.

GUILTY.

Remus was feeling so guilty that he fessed up.

"Well you see we were having a competition-"

"WHAT!" I whispered, I didn't need to be in anymore trouble.

"-to see how long we could stay silent, and how you would react."

I put my head in my hands.

"I must say it was a jolly good show! Although perhaps different and less costuming? Though, a definite five-star performace." Sirius added.

'JOLLY GOOD SHOW'

Mon Dieu!

Now my life is really over.

I got up and grabbed an orange.

"Where you going Lils?" Cate asked.

"Away, far away." I said on my way out.

I turned around, "By the way, you look like crap."

Then I pegged the orange at The Marauders while the Slytherin's chanted "ENCORE! ENCORE! ENCORE!"

I ran like hell.

It's not like I could get in anymore trouble.

8:57

Outside McGonagall's Office

I wish I'd kept that orange.

It may ease my pain a little.

But still, what am I going to say.

'I'm sorry, I desperately wanted to know if they talked about me in the nuddy-pants, so I danced on the breakfast table?'

'Cate possessed me.'

'It'sthat time of the month.'

That's a good one.

Oooh, what about, 'The Marauders put a spell on me.'

That's genius.

Even for me.

That's what I'm going to say.

9:01

Inside McGonagall's Office

"Sit."
I did.

"Biscuit, Evans?"

She rattled her tartan tin under my nose. I had been told before by Cate to take one.

I selected a Ginger Newt and put it in my lap.

"Thank you."

"Now, Miss Evans can you explain your behaviour this morning?"

"The Marauders put a spell on me, Professor."

"I see."

She paused for a moment, rubbing her temples.

"You-"

I sat there in suspense,

"-and the Marauders will serve detention tonight, helping clean the trophy room."

Great, she had seen through my brilliant lie.

"Professor, why am I serving detention?" I asked.

"Because you are better than that, Lily Evans. You may go."

She handed me five detention slips on the way out.

It may be just one detention, but I will be mocked for the rest of my life.

9:05

Charms

These Ginger Newts are really good.

Maybe I should get in trouble more often.

Lucky I have charms on Mondays.

It takes Prof. Flitwick ten minutes to get up the stairs.

I carried him once, much to everyone's amusement.

The Marauders don't seem very phased by the fact I got them into trouble.

I think James and Sirius must have some sort of competition going on.

Somehow I think it's probably pretty even.

9:09

Cate slid into her usual seat between me and Remus.

She didn't seem awake.

Somehow she sense what I was thinking and rather sharply told me: "Someone, not naming any names LILY, forgot to wake me up."

"I thought you could get up by now, you're seventeen."

She didn't say anything.

"Besides, I set your alarm clock."

"Yeah, but that shuts up when you throw it against the wall, you don't."

"That's right." I grinned.

Tick, Tock. Tick, Tock.

Comeback time has passed.

I win again.

No surprise.

On my way to Muggle Studies

As I suspected, most of the double was spent talking about NEWTs.

All I heard was: "NEWTs, blah blah, NEWTs, blah blah, NEWTs!"

Even Remus (the good one) had fallen asleep and was drooling all over his notes, which comprised of: NEWTs.

Everyone elses quills hadn't moved.

Mine was serving the purpose of keeping me awake.

Did I mention I love quills?

They are very useful at keeping grumpy, irritable Cate's awake.

Teehee.

Oooh look there's an ink splatter on her that looks a lot like James.

Wonder if it smells like him.

Oh no, not the whole smelling thing again!

Muggle Studies

Today we are learning about lawyers.

Possibly the most boring people on the planet.

Even better, the teacher has decided to sit me between James and Sirius.

Yay!

That was sarcastic, if you didn't realise.

But I must say James smells fantastic.

I never noticed.

Would it be too weird if I leant in and smelt his neck?

I leant towards him while he was copying notes, and breathed in his scent.

Ahhhhhhhhh…

"Miss Evans! Why are you smelling Mister Potter?"

"Errr…I thought I smelt burning?"

"Right." She said sarcastically, "Don't do it again."

I could see Sirius laughing.

Double bitch.

James was looking at me like a deer in headlights.

Well, more like he had just caught someone who had hated him for the last six years smelling him.

Yes, definitely the second one.

TRYING TO ENJOY MY FREE TIME SINCE LAWYERS ARE BORING AND NO ONE CARES ABOUT THEM

Cate had swivelled around to talk to me, because the Professor was too busy drinking coffee.

Poor woman.

"-Magical law is pretty easy to get into though."

"Yes but you see, in the muggle world you have to be really smart and get really good grades on your GSCE's."
She gave me her 'WTF-are-you-talking-about' look.

"Like NEWTs."

Instinctively she covered her ears and sang off tune: "Lalalalalalala"

I gave her the evils.

She stopped.

"You see muggle's cant use things like veritaserum and spells to uncover evidence and testimonies."

"Ahhhhhh."

I sighed in relief.

"Poor muggles."

I gave her a 'WTF-are-you-talking-about' look.

She responded with this: "I mean they go through so much. Being lawyers. Living with Pandas."

LIVING WITH PANDAS?

I turned to look at her.

"I read it in a book."

I smirked, and replied in mock shock, "You can read?"

Ahh breakfast table dancing, smelling boys, poking your best friend with a quill, mind-cate.

There's nothing more you could want.

If there is something lacking, leave a review.

Mind-Cate has visited one of our dear reviewers already so please, stay safe, and avoid thinking like her at any costs.

thehiddenauthor