When Deacon and I first started out the first word used to describe us was chemistry. Even as the years went on that word never disappeared. We just, I don't know become one in a way. We perform off of each other and it just takes over the room. Sometimes I wish there was a way for me to experience us from the outside. I wonder what it's like for everyone to witness the Rayna Jaymes and Deacon Claybourne chemistry. I know how it feels to be the one beside him, to be the one in the moment of passion with him. Sometimes we enter this haze of another world that consists of only the two of us. And we just do what we were put on this earth to do, sing. In this haze, everything else disappears and we're our most vulnerable selves. Is it like that for the fans? Is it that consuming?

"That felt like yesterday."
That song, that performance was one of those moments. I heard him, but everything in me was numb and I didn't know where we were. I nodded and managed to mumble an uh huh. He just continues to look at me smiling. For a second it feels like it did in the beginning. And I was just this young undamaged bright eyed girl in love with the older boy with a guitar. But I hear my name.

"Rayna."
"Rayna?"
"Hello Rayna?"
I pull my eyes from his and turn my head in the direction of the voice.
"Rayna, did you hear me?" it was Bucky. He wasn't here when we started, when did he get here?
"Are you ok?"
"What? Yeah, I'm fine. When did you get here?"
I walk over to him and give him a quick hug.
"I got here on the second verse. You didn't notice me?"
I shake my head.
"I've never heard that song before? Did you write it recently?"
I avoided Bucky's questions and asked him about the tour and how the details were coming. He gave me a look but ignored me not answering his questions and began filling me in. But honestly, I wasn't listening. My head was still foggy and I was trying to control my breathing and get my head clear. In the middle I hear Deacon in the background dismissing the band. And before I know it he's standing right beside me, with my fruit!

"Hey Buck."
"Hey Deac."
"What'd you think?"
"Of the song? I caught the last half but it sounded good. Is it new?"
Before Deacon can answer I interrupt.
"Buck was just sharing details about the tour."
"Oh really? How's it comin?"

I know I should have been paying attention but I zoned out again. Deacon was right…that felt like yesterday. The problem is, it isn't yesterday. I'm married…to someone else. We aren't two people in love who can just go out on stage and pour our hearts out to one another. We are different people now. We have separate lives, what are we doing?

"What do you think Rayna?"
"I'm sorry what?"
"Leaving in three weeks? I know it's soon but… seriously are you ok? You don't look too well."
"You know what" I look at my watch. "I have to go and get the girls from school. I'll talk to y'all later."
I head to the door without looking in his direction. I needed to get out of there. I was at my car when I realized I left everything inside. My purse, my keys, damn it. Just as I turn around to head back in, out he comes. He runs my direction.
"Forget something?" he holds the bag up between us.
I grab it "Yeah. My mind." I smile up at him. "Thanks."
"Look Ray, I know you are freakin' out a bit. I'm gonna give you some time. Call me when you are ready to talk."

He leaves me standing next to my car. I watch him go back inside. Once he closes the door I look down at my watch. Damn it, I'm going to be late getting the girls. I shuffle through my purse for my keys.

I pick them up and we head home. We sit in the kitchen and talk for a while but I eventually send them upstairs to work on their homework so that I can start making dinner. I check my phone but there are no calls or text from Teddy. His car wasn't in the drive way when I pulled up so had I messaged him asking where he was. But if I'm honest I was relieved when he wasn't here. I needed some time and I didn't need him attacking me as soon as I got in the door. He still hadn't called or shown up for dinner so the girls and I ate without him in the living room while watching a movie. Once it was over I sent the girls up to their rooms for bed. After I tucked them in I made my way to the music room.

I sat on the couch nervously tapping my fingers. I looked at the notepad but wasn't really in a writing mood. I started messing with my rings but stopped and got up to get what I really wanted, the box. The Deacon and Rayna box I hide in here because Teddy never comes in here. I sit on the floor and place the box in front of me just staring at it. I tried to remember the last time I brought this thing out but I couldn't. I lift the lid and the first thing I grab out is the forever bracelet. I hold it in my hands running my fingers over the letters over and over again as I remember the day Deacon gave this to me. A warm feeling surrounds me as I think about that simple moment. It was actually the first gift he had ever given to me and he had saved up for weeks to buy it for me. We were at The Bluebird eating some fries, drinking beers, and talking. We had performed there earlier and neither of us were ready to go home. He got quiet and started messing with his front pocket.

"What are you doin?"
"Tryin to get somethin out of my pocket but the damn box is stuck."
"Box?"
He pulls it out and sets it in front of me. I look at the black box he set down, then back at him, then back at the box.
"Open it."
I reach out and open it. And sitting inside is a silver band with the words Forever engraved. I look back at him as I hold it in my hands.
"It's nothin fancy. I just…I just wanted you to have something to remind you. To remind you that no matter what happens in our lives, where we end up. You will always and forever have me and I will never not be there for you."
I didn't know what to say. I sat looking at it with tears in my eyes. He grabbed it out of my hands and gently placed it on my wrist. Once it was on I grabbed him and kissed him and lightly whispered "Thank you."

I set the bracelet down and pulled out the napkin. The napkin with A Life That's Good written on it. The song he says he wrote by just lookin at me. It's wrinkled with lines from being folded countless time. There are also a few water marks on the sides from my tears. Sometimes after a fight, or after I would drop him off at rehab I would pull this thing out and just hold it. It made me feel safe, like he was still there. Below are pictures, so many pictures. God we were so young. I looked so much better back then. Somehow that isn't true for Deacon. I always thought he was handsome but he has absolutely gotten better with age. It's strange, it feels like these pictures were a different life. Just seems so long ago. Once I get past the pictures, the journals start. They are simple black notebooks. Each journal containing a part of our history, filled with my thoughts, some lyrics, random words, even drawings. The older ones are worn out and flimsy. I would reread the beginning entries because they were so happy and filled with hope. Over time they turn dark and rereading those are painful. Folded up is an old t shirt. I pull it up to my nose to smell. I don't know why. His smell disappeared years ago, I guess it's just habit and familiar.

As I pull the t shirt from my face I see the ring. The simple silver band. That ring was suppose to be a symbol of our new beginning and our future. With that ring I was suppose to have the life I had wanted so badly for so long. The life where I was his wife. I turn it over in my hand. In actuality it represents our end. Waking up that morning, I was the happiest I'd been in years. Only to have every ounce of joy drained from my body when I walk out of our room into the living room to see him passed out next to a bottle of whiskey.
"Were you drunk last night when you asked me?"
"When I asked you what?"
Up to that moment, there had been numerous times that he had hurt me but in that moment he shattered my heart.

I stand up and put on one of our old records. I bring the sleeve and the others back to the floor with me. I read over them as the songs play in the background. What was I doing? Going on this tour would be like playing with fire. We crossed our boundaries last night at The Bluebird. If we do this tour, I don't know what it will do to me, to him. Playing these songs isn't fair to either of us. No matter how much I need this tour, I just can't do this to us. The reason we've been able to maintain a relationship at all is because we avoided these songs. These songs were off limits when he came back into my band. They just hold too much history and too many emotions, good and bad.

I snapped my head up when I Shouldn't love you's intro started. Those first few notes always bring me goosebumps. Listening to this song you can feel everything, it's real and it's honest. Our vocals are like a pleading tone that consumes me each time I hear it. I forgot this song was on this record. I start to cry and rest my head down on my knees. I don't know if I can avoid it anymore. I've pushed everything down so far because I made choice. I married Teddy and with that decision came responsibilities that I couldn't ignore. But these last two days, they've brought everything back. Everything I pushed is now scratching at the surface begging to come out and I'm tired. I'm just so tired of hiding, of lying. I love Deacon Claybourne. And that's just never not been true.

I hear the door open and I know it's him. I don't move because it's not like I could have hidden any of the things around me before he walked over. He walks slowly and I can feel him examining everything I've brought out. I keep my head down trying to control the tears from falling before I look at him. I lift my head slowly and look at him to say,
"We should talk."