Authors Note:

okay so i keep receiving messages [I don't know if its from the same person or not] about how lucaya is trash... RUCUS is dead and that Riley shouldn't have Maya's sloppy seconds, which i can understand- i can do without the foul language but i get where the person is coming from.

Let me start by saying that i'm a huge RUCAS fan and so unfortunately for those really protesting it, this will probably end with Rucas [maybe I haven't actually decided yet]. However the story i'm telling here is a long one. This triangle issue starts in middle school and if the story continues how I envision it, the consequences from the triangle will last past high school and maybe even past college [hint hint sequel coming]. Thats a lot of growing pains and life lessons, that are going to shift relationships and friendships. Its going to to be messy, feelings usually are, not every love story is perfect. But i hope that as the story continues, you understand the growth behind the characters, and the work/pain it took them to get to their final destination, whatever that may be.

It may be hard to see Lucas with Riley right now and you may feel angry at him or Maya, but life/feelings aren't static. people are allowed to change and grow. so just stick with the story and lets see where it takes us :)

June 2017

Dear Riley,

I'm writing you letters because I know what a romantic you are. Maybe by the time I'm done, you'll have 365 letters like Allie in The Notebook. A movie, by the way I haven't forgiven you for making me see like 1,000 times. There are some similarities. I've written you 5 letters now and I haven't heard one response. I don't think Topanga is hoarding them like Allie's mom though, so you must be ignoring me. I wish you would just respond to one and tell me why. I miss you. Please come back to me.

July 2017,

Dear Riley,

I've texted you. I've called you. I've written you. I know you've heard about my Pappy Joe passing away. I'm in Texas now. Maya's here with me. I appreciate everything our friends are doing to put me back together, but I know this would go easier if you just came back. I need you. I know I've been selfish. I know I haven't been fair to you. I'm sorry. I couldn't help it. The longer this triangle went on, the longer things felt out of control. I feel very out of control right now. You're my anchor, you've always been my anchor and without you, I'm scared I'm becoming the old version of myself. I need you.

August 2017,

Dear Riley,

We're starting school soon and I'm angry at you. I'm soooo angry at you. But I know that once I see you, my anger will dissipate. I don't' think my hurt will though. I know you're angry at me too. This has been going on since middle school and years later, nothing has changed. I know you must think I'm a coward because I can only express myself on paper. But I promise you, if you just give me a chance, I can be the western hero you believe I am. Just don't give up on me yet. Please. I miss you.

-Love Always, Lucas

I don't know what prompted me to come home and read through some of his old letters. I knew I was already in pain and I was just making myself even worse. But some sick part of me needed this.

Lucas was angry at me and granted maybe he had a reason. But I was angry at him too. I was hurt by him too. It took him years to say how he felt [kind of because even his letters weren't totally clear] and even then, it was only through letters. And the letters only came after I finally got fed up and left for the entire summer. But there were countless summers, and school years, that he let this drag on.

And in the end, he did with Maya in a few months, what it took years for him to do with me. And with Maya it was completely different.

For me, it was years of the triangle, and evening up and then secret letters. But for Maya, it was dating within a few months and sharing with the world, the love and affection they had for each other.

So, no Lucas I don't remember the letters you sent me. I much rather forget them because they were a reminder of everything i never had and everything I lost. There were simply a reminder that even if Lucas at one point actually cared about me. It still wasn't enough. I wasn't enough.

Waking up on Monday morning after a weekend of crying into my pillow and watching romantic comedies left me feeling as if I didn't sleep at all. I had gotten a grace period after my conversation with Maya, where I got to live in a world where the triangle was simply over. There were no consequences, no couples that came from it. It was just simply over.

But Lucas had given me a fair warning, Maya and him, were dating, and I had to make my peace with that.

I dragged my feet downstairs and sat at the kitchen table. My mom walked over and patted by back sympathetically, "It'll get better sweetheart. I know right now it feels like the world is coming to an end. But hold on Riley, my strong warrior woman"

I nodded silently because that's all I could muster and ate my breakfast in silence.

Upon entering the school, I noticed I had held my breath the entire way there. I made it a few steps into the school before I saw and Maya & Lucas at the lockers, holding hands and looking into each other's eyes. I could feel people looking at them in awe and then looking at me in pity. I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me.

So, I did what any other reasonable person in my situation would. I ran. I ran out the door and didn't stop running. I had been running away from everything for such a long time, there was no reason I couldn't keep running.