Title: This is before time wore you down to history
Chapter: 4/?
Main Characters: Clark, Lois, Clark/Lois, Lana
Disclaimer: I neither own nor profit from Smallville or DC Comics
Spoilers: Goes AU after "Escape" - Season 9 & 10 spoilers as well
A/N: Clark is ready to tell Lois his secret, until the unimaginable happens that brings their relationship to a stand still.
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FOUR
"I'm selfish? You know, some of us sacrifice being with the people that we really
care about so that we can go make a difference. What do you do? You sit around
in domestic bliss curled up on a couch while a world of trouble spins outside
your door."
-Oliver Queen, circa Siren
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.
He's reminded of the things he has lost to destiny. Every beep on the monitor seems to sing of his failures and her silence is more than a little reproachful. Because he loved her first, and it was supposed to mean everything. It was supposed to be forever, the fairytale.
They were going to get married and have children and sit on the porch as the sun went down on both their lives. She would've smiled up at him and he would've thanked the stars above that she had loved him.
Paradise - It had been his dream, before all this time changed him.
She moves in the sheets, a breath whispering though her lips.
"I'm sorry, Lana," he whispers back.
Because they're both older and just not them anymore. Even if sometimes, he still thinks about it. Not too often and not too much, but every once in a rare moment he feels her name and wonders what his life would be like if there had been no videotape or suit. It's just not the way things fit in his life anymore.
But if they could work, would it change him back like time has made him stronger and force him to leave some things at the wayside?
Like Lois?
His eyes shut.
"I'm so sorry."
Maybe she isn't. Fate, her body trembles, a warning.
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They find themselves in this space. Current and former lover of Lois Lane. They hear themselves selling small talk before the heavy hand falls and Oliver's question lands on the floor in the middle of Watchtower. Clark opens his mouth, and the words that are sitting on his tongue choke. It should be obvious. Why isn't it?
"I know who I love, Oliver. I know who I want to be with."
Oliver will never understand how Clark can be so naïve. No matter what happens to him, it remains a constant.
"I hope so, Clark. But you're an idiot if you think that's enough."
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Clark used to need her. She used to make him feel alive and lift his heart. He watches her sleep, like he used to imagine he would do for eternity.
"Lana, a lot's happened since you left."
He drops his eyes to the floor before resting them on her face again. She looks so tired and because of their past it's instinctual to brush her hair away from her face and let his fingers linger on her cheek.
"You know, sometimes I think about that last day. And I didn't..."
He sighs into his hand. It seems like years when they last stood in his barn and he was pleading with her to stay.
"I loved you, for so long. It seems like a lifetime ago since...and now you're here."
Some things need to be said, he knows, but he can't say them. Not to Lana.
"I'm going to make sure you get better. I promise."
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Chloe presses a cheek against Lois's hair and pats her back softly. Lois has practically entwined herself around her diminuitive form, and Chloe is sure the picture is comical, except for the occasional shedding of tears.
Clark had given her the green light to answer any and all of Lois's questions. Her mouth hurts.
Lois sighs.
"What do I do, Chloe?"
"What do you want to do?"
Lois smiles briefly and pulls back to look at her cousin.
"I want to tell him I love him. I want to be with him."
Chloe gives her a knowing look.
"But you don't know where you fit in his life now."
"No." Lois shakes her head. "He's The Blur, Chloe. His world is so much bigger than mine."
She won't disagree, but a fact she's been clinging to starts to waver. Chloe stares at her heartbroken cousin and where before she had been sure Lois's involvement in Clark's secret life would be catastrophic, she now finds herself slowly backpedaling.
"You're right."
Lois's face falls and Chloe takes her hand. A moment of Jimmy settles on her.
"But Lois, just because he has this huge responsibility doesn't mean he wouldn't make room for you."
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Chloe slips on her earpiece the second she gets inside her car, Clark's number on her lips. The sun is falling and, inside, so is a piece of her heart. When she was younger, she believed in these things – happy endings.
Younger. Her lip curls as she pulls out into the street. Just one year divides her from her former self, one year and one death. Maybe it's why she's been so against Clark and Lois. She looks at them and what she sees is so...vulnerable. It can so easily unravel.
Don't get her wrong. She wants them to be happy. She loves them. But Clark's world, as she's found out, has its price - loneliness. She used to think it was worth it, and some days, she still does. Other days she lets Oliver wrap her up in dreams and maybe, she thinks, they can have it all.
But they can't. Not really. Jimmy is still dead. Clark will always belong to the world; he will always have a greater destiny than them all. As much as she loves Lois, a part of her can't help but think she doesn't belong here with them.
He answers her call.
"Chloe?"
"We've got a problem, Clark."
"What is it? Lois? Is she okay?"
"Stand down. She's fine, but in our Jeopardy go round she wanted to know why you were sending her on secret missions."
"What?"
"It seems The Blur's been calling her for favors."
"But I haven't called her since - ."
"The Wonder Twins whirled through? I know. I'm headed to Watchtower now with Lois' phone to track down whoever's calling her."
"I'll be waiting."
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Maybe it's better this way, she thinks.
Lois finds herself, for once, still. The pint of ice cream is gone along with her phone, maybe even her respectability. Because she'd promised to protect The Blur. Then she'd blurted out in front of cameras and crew about him. Then she'd followed the words of some imposter without thinking twice.
Yes, maybe it should be like this. He with Lana, a woman who can understand his life more than she can. And she, separating herself from him so that neither of them have to fear her making another mistake. She is only human, after all. And a Lane at that.
But she loves him, even more now that she knows. Clark. Her Clark is The Blur. She hasn't known many people who want to save the world, and even before she knew he was an honest to God hero, Clark already was.
She can only imagine what he sees when he looks at her. Her lack of judgement, the lack of loyalty. She doesn't blame him. What's driven them apart, isn't Lana. Not entirely. Most of it is herself and she can see that now.
Her heart aches. In the solitude of her apartment it suffocates her.
The future she had been dreaming of becomes less fairytale and more horror show. Between the three of them, there's not enough love - not the right kind.