I can't keep my promises... I said that until the next week I couldn't update, and instead... (I had an unexpected inspiration yesterday night). Well, this is chapter3! And I hope you will appreciate it!
Only one thing: thanks to Hikari Dragoness of Light and Vicky Chan for answer at my questions!
"I'm only a simple human..." Allen Walker, episode 5
3. Fireflies into darkness
A shadow was behind them.
This is... this is when my parents abandoned me... and Mana found me, he silently thought, not wanting to turn back to see his adoptive father's face.
Abandoned... what a awful word was. He sounded so wrong... Abandon a child, a child that alone wasn't even able to stand on his legs. Allen sighed with repulsion: maybe, if his true parents didn't throw him away, maybe... maybe not a thing would happen. Nothing! Now he would be around with his friends, laughing, without scars, or white hair, or Akuma... he didn't know them, but he hated them. He wordlessly hope to see their faces and he... he...
Allen sighed again with repulsion, but this time, he hated himself. How he could even think things like those!? Only monsters want to do things like those... only monsters... his parents were right when they abandoned him!
They were right...
...right...
Am I this monster...?
Suddenly, he felt an hand dry his tears away. Looking in front of him, he found Lenalee with a sad look stared at him, her pale hand on his cheek "Sorry" She said "This is must be hard for you... to revive your past"
"You don't have to be sorry..."
"But I am. Because I suggested to brother that you could came too"
"And me too!" Said Lavi, coming near "Because I didn't stop you earlier"
"Do you want to come home with me?" Unexpectedly a voice said. Everyone turned back to see Mana stared at the already sleeping form of little Allen between his arms, his cute snowy eyes now hidden under his eyelids "How can I name you?" The man touched his arm, and he wasn't scared of that "You will be Allen. You liked it?"
I like it...
Allen felt one more time thankful to the man, without him, he would be dead now... but... strangely he couldn't take off the feeling of sadness... he couldn't stop the tears falling on the cold ground. And now that he was thinking about it, he maybe understood what that emotion was truly...
Envy?
Am I envious? Allen thought, his eyes opened with puzzlement.
Am I envious of...
...of myself?
He couldn't believe that... was he jealous of his younger equivalent because he was between Mana's arms? He was invidious because he couldn't feel that? What a pitiful emotion...
"Allen, are you okay?" Looking at Lenalee, he found his gaze blurry with new tears. And without be aware, he was clenching his teeth, gritting his fists...
"I'm fine..."
"Are you sure? You look like... like..."
"Like?"
"Like you're angry..."
I'm envious! Idiot me, I'm envious of myself! I'm so pitiful...
"Allen...?" Lavi slowly approached him "Are you okay, beanspr-"
"SHUT UP, LAVI!! JUST SHUT UP!!" He screamed, turning back, trembling with rage. Damn, Allen, calm down... Lavi didn't do nothing... why are you angry!?
"Hey, be quiet! I was only trying to cheer you up!"
"SHUT UP!"
"Allen, you need to-"
"DIDN'T YOU HEAR!? I SAID SHUT UP! YOU CAN'T SAY TO ME TO BE QUIET! TO CALM DOWN! YOU DON'T KNOW HOW I'M FEELING! YOU DON'Y KNOW NOTHING! I'M REVIVING MY PAST... YOU THINK IS SIMPLE FOR ME!? EH!?" Allen turned again to his friends, cries like crazy rivers on his cheeks "YOU THINK IT, DON'T YOU!? WELL, IT'S NOT! I'M ANGRY, I'M SAD, I'M... I'M SICKENED WITH MYSELF BECAUSE I'M EVEN ENVIOUS OF MY YOUNGER VERSION BECAUSE HE CAN HUG MANA AND I CAN'T! AND I CAN'T STOP TO CRY!" He sobbed "I-I can't stop to cry! Damn you, damn these t-tears!" He leaved himself falling on the ground, sitting against it, weeping miserly "Damn... damn...! I can't st-top..." Why can't I stop to cry!? Why can't I stop to shake...
"Allen..."
"...s-shut up..."
"Allen, I'm sorry"
"...do-n't touc-... ch me..."
He felt Lenalee's arms came around his body "Allen, we're really sorry. You're right, we cannot know how you're feeling... we're sorry"
"It'...s"
It's just not right...
"And I cann-... ot und-derstand why..."
Why can't I stop to cry?
"And I want to..."
I want to hug him!
"I wan-...t to emb-brace him... j... jus... just o-one more t-time..."
One more time will be enough...
"And..."
I can't...
"...and..."
I can't!!
"...I... can...t..."
I can't.
I can't hug Mana even if he's in front of me!
"I can't!" And with these words, he embraced Lenalee too, start again to sob gloomy, this time on her shoulder.
"Allen..." Lenalee wanted to say something, something to take out even a little, little smile on Allen's lips... but her mouth couldn't open, like she was afraid to worsen the already bad things.
"We have to follow him" Suddenly Lavi said.
"What?"
"We have to follow him" He repeated, looking to where Mana dissolved "Maybe the Innocence is where he goes" The exorcist turned to them, smiling "We have to follow him"
But Lenalee gave him a severe look, saying "Allen is not in the cond-"
"Wait, wait! What did Allen say?" Lavi frowned, like he was trying to remember something "Ah! Yes, now I remember! He said that Mana said that he must go on until he'll die, right?" He smiled "You're not observing this words!"
"Lavi, this is no-"
"Don't you think you too, Lenalee? He don't have time to cry, don't you think? He must go up and go on! Don't you think?"
Suddenly, the girl understood what his friend was trying to do. Maybe, distracting Allen from his sad thoughts, he would smile... Momentary, but he would smile for a minute. And this would be enough.
"Yes..." She said "Lavi's right, Allen. We must follow him and find the Innocence. He's our job"
Our job? Yes... my job is now find Innocence and destroy Akuma...
"Come on! Stand up so we can follow him!"
I cannot anymore stop because of stupid things like emotions... right? I live only for this... right, Mana? I destroyed you... then, I decided that my reason to live was that... I destroyed you because I'm an exorcist, and exorcists destroy Akuma. Only living with this reason I can live without feeling "guilty"
(even if I am)
or "regretful". But I'm a human, right? A little human who is following his heart...
Ah, ah... I can't even stop to cry!
But I have to stop.
I have because of my being exorcist.
I have because of my words to you, Mana.
I have to stand up and go on, because it's this what I must do! What I can do!
And...
I can only save emotions for later, right?
He smiled, standing up "Let's go"
Right?
Long, eh?
Anyway, chapter4 will take MUCH time. I haven't any idea for that... I think it will be named something like "Feverish dreams"... but I'm not really sure how it will go out...
Mana is so hard to describe!
He gives to me the feelings of a rough man, and I can't imagine him playing with "little cute Allen"! Maybe I put in a woman... she takes care of Allen like for two years, and after she will die, so Allen can't remember her...
I'm evil, right?
Ah! and after Allen's past, Lenalee and Lavi's pasts too will be revealed! Even if I must invent ALL of Lavi's past because anyone talks about it... Maybe I can make a humoristic fanfiction on his! Hm... yes, it's a really good idea!
Well, because my parents want to go somewhere for the New Year's Eve, I can't update anything next days!
So, Happy New Year to everyone and wait for chapter4!
:D AcqueCristalline