"If you don't know what you want," the doorman said, "you end up with a lot you don't."
Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk
He promised I would find a little solace
And some peace of mind - Whatever.
Just as long as I don't feel so
Desperate and ravenous.
So weak and powerless...over you.
Weak and Powerless by A Perfect Circle
And as we walked on, my mind returned to that strange, severe, copper-haired man. I wondered when I would see him again.
As it turned out, I saw him again much earlier than I ever expected to.
I was much calmer this time around as I made my way into the cafeteria than I'd been on Friday. I knew that I would (if nothing went horribly wrong) have some people to sit with, even if, in a worst case scenario, Alice bailed for whatever reason. I wondered what Mike would have to say to that. The weirdo being scared off by someone infinitely worse: the freak. The Me.
I shook those thoughts out of my head. That kind of thinking would only lead to a turbulent stomach and sweaty palms. The last thing I needed was to drop a tray full of food and have it smash disastrously in the middle of the student eating hall. The rather crowded eating hall. But then my rational mind caught up and said that sweaty palms wouldn't matter anyway with my hands wrapped up all nicely in their leather protectors.
I paid my eight-fifty at the entrance for the all-you-can-eat styled dining experience and picked up a tray, going around the selections and picking what I wanted. I tried to take my time with it, hoping that Alice would come find me like Angela had on Friday.
Life is never that easy.
My tray was loaded with my food choices and I was left standing there, looking around and trying to pinpoint a tiny, spiky head.
I heard a high-pitched but pretty voice behind me that I recognized. It practically sounded like bells, my relief was so acute and grateful. I was happy I hadn't had to stand here like a dork for too long.
I turned, smiling, and almost dropped my tray. It didn't matter that my suddenly sweaty palms were safely blocked from actual contact with the plastic.
Alice was waving excitedly to me, her arm extended as high up as it could go and then some. I could just make out that she was standing up out of her seat a bit too.
That wasn't what made me almost drop my food. But it was definitely the fact that sitting right next to her was Severe-Brooding-Staring Guy. He wasn't severely brooding and staring at me right now though. Well, correction. He was severely brooding. But at the wall, and not at me.
Thank the gods. I probably wouldn't have been able to walk over there without banging into something and having my legs give out - from their sudden, uncontrollable shaking - if he were.
As it was, I walked over with my head down, watching the floor and my surroundings carefully so I didn't make a fool out of myself.
Alice and Brooding Guy were sitting next to the wall, and I noticed that none of the tables very close to them were occupied. I guessed Mike wasn't the only one with a problem with Alice.
People glanced at me curiously and some with alarm as I walked toward their table, but their gazes never lingered for long. Nobodies ever did.
Well…
Except for the man I was getting closer to with every step I took.
He was sitting close to the wall, his arms crossed on the desk, keeping his eyes off of me until I set down my tray and sat across from them. I saw Alice's chair scooched close enough to The Guy's so that I couldn't look at one without looking at the other. I sighed, both for this seating arrangement, and the ability to sit that close. Even now, with my heart beating wildly and unevenly, and my stomach cresting with gnawing worry, I recognized that desire like a sharp pain in the back of my chest.
"Hi," Alice said, smiling, seemingly oblivious to the almost palpable tension that had settled upon my arrival. She popped a grape in her mouth happily. The Guy had no tray that I could see.
"Hello," I said politely, attempting to smile. It came out a little wobbly, what with The Guy's eyes boring holes in my face. I turned my smile and eyes to him, hoping to ease this…whatever this was. "Hi," I greeted quietly.
"Hello," he responded, even quieter, his mouth barely forming the word. His brow was furrowed so tightly - with what looked like that perplexity from earlier - I felt sure you could balance a pencil on his brow.
"Bella, I'd like you to meet my friend, Edward," Alice said brightly, inclining her head slightly to him. "Edward, this is Bella." She was smirking a little now.
I smiled nervously at her. "Yeah, we've kinda met."
Alice gave a very, very fake look of surprise. So much so that I knew it was supposed to be fake. She was pressing her lips together tightly, her whole body shaking to repress what looked like laughter. Her eyes were dancing. "Oho? Really? I wasn't aware Edward had any of your classes."
Edward was silent, staring at my hands. Or my gloves. I'm not sure which was his intention.
I felt my brow furrow slightly too. "How did you know we met in a class?" I asked, feeling dumb. It was probably some obvious answer that I shouldn't have bothered asking for. But I was grasping at straws. Edward was making me nervous. In the strangest way. It wasn't entirely anxiety.
Alice raised her brows at my question, and Edward gave her a glance. There was something simultaneously challenging and mocking in his expression. But he had unfurrowed his brow for the first time. So when he turned his head back to stare at me again, I suddenly noticed that he had the thickest, longest eyelashes framing the most gorgeous green eyes I'd ever seen. I was trapped in his gaze again. As we stared, his eyes became looser. Not softer so much as…more open.
"Er," Alice hesitated, and the sound of uncertainty in her voice sounded so strange that it startled me enough to break Edward's gaze. I looked at her, curious. Her expression twisted a little. "I just…I just assumed that's where…"
"Oh no no!" I rushed, feeling even more stupid for my idiotic, tactless question. "You were right, I just…erm, wondered, but I guess it's obvious." I was blushing furiously now. I resisted the urge to bury my face in my gloves.
Alice was back to bright and sunny again. "Oh no, it was actually quite an observant question. I enjoyed it." Peculiar, but okay. "Edward, sunshine, you're not talking and it's incredibly rude."
Alice was back to repressing laughter again. I have no idea why this whole thing was so amusing to her, but maybe she found the awkward tension between he and I funny. To an outside observer, I suppose it could be a source of comedy.
Edward shot her an annoyed glance out of the corner of his eyes. "I suppose I am," he murmured, staring at me full force again. It was disconcerting and yet, at the same time, flared up that same desire to be touched. It had to be the intensity.
He folded his hands in front of him slowly, and I couldn't help but to stare at his now. The longing that shot through me was stronger than I thought it'd be. I tore my eyes away. He had beautiful hands though. Long, thin, but undeniably strong. A musician's hands maybe, or a surgeon's.
A strange, almost forbidden thought came to my mind. I was looking for someone to have sex with right? I had basically crossed Mike off the list. We were friends now. I wanted to stay friends, without messing it up. But this guy, Edward, from what I'd seen so far did not seem like the friend type at all. At least, the friend-with-me type. So no danger of messing up anything there. And he was making me feel longing and desire like nobody else.
Why not him?
Well, despite the fact that he was slightly intimidating and may or may not like me.
But other than that, he was the perfect candidate.
"So Bella," he started quietly, "What do you plan on doing?"
I startled. Had my dirty intentions been evident on my face? Was I caught? What could I say? Alice was right there! Looking at me too!
"What?" I asked nervously.
Edward regarded me curiously. "What do you plan on becoming?" His tone changed abruptly. "A scientist perhaps?" he demanded. "Plan on inventing anything important?"
I stared at him, flabbergasted. Alice was shaking her head sadly, as if exasperated with him.
Well she was quickly becoming not the only one.
"Or maybe a novelist? Wanting to write a book to change the world perhaps, hm? Well? What makes you so special?" he challenged, suddenly very angry, like all his frustrated brooding was finally coming out.
He glared at me, awaiting an answer.
Oh, he was about to get an answer. And not just that he was off my candidate list.
I've never exploded at anybody in my life. In truth, I'm not usually angry at people. Frustrated at myself, angry at myself. But not other people.
He was about to blemish my near spotless record and I didn't give a damn, even if I was going to go off in front of Alice, someone who seemed to want to be my friend.
But one glance at her smirking face gave me all the permission I needed.
"What the hell is your problem?" I snapped at him. His mouth parted a bit. "'What makes me so special?' When the hell did I say I was? But actually, who the hell are you to tell me I'm not, huh? Look, pal, I don't know what kind of mattress you're sleeping on to wake up in such a foul mood, but frankly it doesn't concern me because nothing gives you the right to be treating me like you have when I haven't done anything to you!" My voice was shaking because of the tears in my eyes. Damn habit to cry when angry. But I was just so…so infuriated and he was being so…so mean. Other people had been mean to me before, but at least there'd been some kind of reason. "All this staring and glaring! Instead of getting mad at me, why don't you do some self-evaluation and check yourself before you wreck yourself buster!"
Alice could finally no longer hold in her chuckles and laughed merrily. Edward sat back in his seat, dumbfounded. But at least he had the decency to look ashamed. He stared at the table, abashed.
I took in a deep breath, pushing my tears back and clearing the lump in my throat. "You're acting like a jerk and a little explanation would be appreciated, because if I offended in you in some way then I am sorry, but since I don't know you, I don't think that's the case. So if you please…" I choked out.
He stayed silent, looking downright guilty now.
"That's what I thought." I took in a deep breath and tried to act dignified, like I didn't sound on the verge of tears, which I did. Like I'd said my piece and had moved on in my head. Which I had most certainly not. I was still hurt and angry.
"So Alice," I said, clearing my throat again, attempting at calmness. "How are you liking your classes?"
The girl in question threw her head back in laughter, and I could see, dimly, pale abrasions on the skin of her neck. Scars.
"I like you Bella Swan," Alice said, smiling at me as her eyes twinkled.
I smiled back at her, feeling better. At least she was on my side and I hadn't scared her off.
"I like you too Alice."
Edward said nothing and went back to staring at the wall, playing with his hands, more thoughtful now and less dark.
Alice and I chatted a bit more, and I finally worked up the courage to start eating. Alice appraised my gloves.
"Why are you eating with those on?" she asked in a friendly way. "It can't be easy to hold your utensils."
"Erm, it's not bad," I said, shifting uncomfortably. Uh-oh. I didn't like having too much bare skin around people. They avoided me worse when I did that.
"Well, why don't you take them off?" she encouraged.
"Leave her alone Alice," Edward suddenly muttered.
I glared at him. Oh, now he wanted to be on my side? Almost to spite him, I slowly took off my gloves, almost scared as I did it.
When they were off I felt very vulnerable. Naked. Ironically enough, my gloves had come to feel like my only access to the outside world, in their own way. Taking them off almost felt like a surrender. You're right, I'm done trying. Nothing will help. Why bother?
I didn't want to feel that way. I didn't want to think that way. If I did, what did I have to hold on to? Hope was the only thing that touched me.
"Better?" Alice asked gently as I picked up my fork and resumed eating.
I shrugged. Honestly I wasn't sure. Yeah, it was easier to maneuver the utensils, but at the same time I wasn't used to feeling this exposed out in public. It almost didn't feel decent; right, for me to do it.
Alice extended her hand out, almost as if to pat mine. My heart fluttered erratically, but she suddenly paused. Not because her face was strained or because she was fighting the urge to pull back. She paused because she was looking at Edward out of the corner of her eye. I had felt his eyes on my skin ever since I'd unsheathed my hands.
And the mystery of why I feel so exposed and vulnerable continues.
Alice seemed to decide something, and pulled back, shrugging, resuming her meal as well. My heart dropped in disappointment, but I quickly started up our conversation again before I could dwell.
Edward didn't speak again, and we finished our meals at last.
"Bella, I was wondering something," Alice started casually as we made our way to the tray dispenser. Edward followed silently behind us a couple feet. I was still trying to ignore him.
"Yeah?" I asked. I glanced to my side and startled when I saw Angela and Mike sitting at a table a distance away. I recognized Eric sitting with them, and some other guy I didn't know. Angela met my eye then and smiled, waving. I waved back, happy that she didn't seem mad at me for eating lunch with Alice. Mike looked up at me then too and scowled, but waved anyway. Eric and the other guy didn't look back at me.
We stepped out of the cafeteria.
"Would you like to spend the night this weekend?" Alice asked sweetly.
I gaped.
So did Edward. "Alice…" he said warningly, speaking up for the first time in a while.
I shot him a glare over my shoulder. What did he think I was going to do? Trash her place or something? What business was it of his anyway?
I wondered how he and Alice were friends. They seemed like polar opposites. She was so nice and he was so…surly.
He met my eyes though, and fell silent. His expression was thoughtful again.
I almost wished he'd go back to the brooding. His face was misleadingly likable when he didn't have it all scrunched up.
I thought about my plans for this weekend, and my face twisted when I remembered I actually had plans. But I had to make this work somehow. No one had ever invited me to spend the night. I was not, under any circumstances, passing this up. I only had one class on Friday, so that would give me time to head up to Forks after it and spend Friday with my dad and maybe Saturday morning too? Then I could drive back down here and be at her house in the late afternoon or evening. It would have to work.
"Um, I'm going to be gone on most of Friday and Saturday, but maybe Saturday night?" I asked hesitantly. I hoped this worked for her.
But Alice was strangely accommodating for me. "Heck yeah!" she exclaimed. "That works great. I really want you to meet my boyfriend."
"Boyfriend?" I asked, surprised. With everything everybody said about her, that was not one of them. But I guess, people didn't really know her either.
"Yeah. He doesn't really go here. But I think you'll like him, and he'll like you too," she grinned. She seemed so sure. I wished I could be so confident about things.
"Do you have any more classes?" she asked.
"No, actually, I don't. I got lucky on my Monday scheduling." In a manner of speaking. But I actually enjoyed having classes, and going to them. For the learning value which I truly did appreciate, and also the guaranteed company of people.
"That is lucky." Alice stuck her tongue out. "It's funny, Edward doesn't have any more classes either. Do you?" she asked over her shoulder, including him.
"No," he said tightly. Jeez, why was he such a grouch? Especially considering Alice could actually put up with him.
I frowned. I was not going to let this become a hey-since-you-two-don't-have-anything-else-to-do-why-don't-you-hang-out-some-more thing that I could already see Alice trying to make it into.
"Well, lucky him," I said shortly. "I was just leaving though. I need to go job hunting."
"Oh?" This seemed like real news to Alice. "Why?" she asked, curious.
"Er, because I need money?" I said slowly, my statement becoming a question too. Why else did people work? It was rarely for the entertainment value.
"Oh right, right." Alice waved like she'd just remembered. I glanced at her clothes again. I had the feeling she'd never worked a day in her life. Which was fine, it just explained her confusion.
"Right well," I started. My skin prickled in that half-nice, half-strange way it had been doing for a while now. I really wished he would stop staring at me. But what else could I expect? The one guy who decides to notice me and he turns out to be a Grade A jerk. Of course. "I had a really nice time eating lunch with you," I said pointedly, keeping my eyes on Alice. I still saw Edward wince a little out of my peripheral vision. I felt vaguely smug. "We'll have to do it again sometime. Thanks for inviting me. To both things - the lunch and the spending the night."
"No problem," Alice beamed brightly. She stuck her tongue out a little at Edward in seeming victory. I grinned at that. I wished people would get to know Alice more. She was impossible to not like. A little peculiar, a little odd, but undeniably lovable. I was going to have to bring this up at lunch tomorrow.
"I'm gonna go. See you." I waved as I turned and walked away across the grass. I still held my gloves in one of my hands. I had contemplated putting them back on, but there was no real reason to yet. I was just going to my truck. I'd put them on in there. Besides…walking around in the nippy air and actually feeling the breeze on my hands was nice.
It was an unfair balance. Reject people, or forsake nature.
I walked between two buildings, a shortcut on the way to the parking lot. The campus was pretty empty. People were either in class or else eating.
I was in the middle of the shadowy, grassy, spacious alley between the buildings when I heard an unwelcome, albeit attractive, voice behind me.
"Bella! Wait!"
"Oh no," I groaned, coming to a halt. "Not you."
I turned around and put my hands on my hips as Edward came to a stop a couple feet away. My mind automatically calculated the distance while my heart threatened to backhand it if it didn't shut that nonsense off.
"Did Alice put you up to this?" I demanded. "Because if she did - "
"She didn't," he interrupted. "Trust me. Though she is laughing at me now. It doesn't matter. I've been wanting to do this since earlier - "
"What?" I interrupted him this time. "Go off on me again? For nothing?"
"No," he said calmly, making me feel foolish with my anger. "I actually wanted to apologize."
I raised my eyebrows, mouth forming an 'o'. I hadn't expected that. He hadn't struck me as the apology type. But right before my eyes, his face was relaxing, his eyes becoming very sincere and soft in their lush color, his perfectly proportioned mouth raising up in a gentle, sad smile. He bent a little to look me in the eyes, stepping closer. I gulped, my heart pounding.
"I'm sorry," he said softly. "Really. I was…you were right. I was taking out my own frustrations unfairly on you, and was making you uncomfortable even before that." Uncomfortable was only one of things he was making me feel. Against my will, I felt my anger slipping away, my heart melting at his obviously sincerely words. His name was slowly writing itself back onto my candidate list.
I hate myself. I'm way too easy. But I just can't stay angry.
"And for that," he continued. "I deeply apologize. I hope you can forgive me and, more than that, though it might be unfair to ask, I hope that perhaps, we can start over? Pretend that none of that ever happened? I would really like to be on good terms with you now, Bella, even if that's hard for you to believe. Which is perfectly understandable."
My hands relaxed at my side, and I felt vulnerable again in front of him, my hands exposed, and the anger having gone. I felt like I was left completely defenseless.
"Um." I bit my lip shyly. "I, uh, think starting over is probably best. I don't really want an enemy. It takes way too much energy to be angry."
"That is a refreshingly hopeful way of looking at it," he said quietly, grinning lopsidedly at me. My heart thumped unevenly. He took a step closer and it went into overdrive. He was standing close enough to be considered in my personal space.
My breathing sped up a bit. It'd been a while since I'd been this close to someone, like this.
It was wonderful.
"And thank you," he murmured. "For forgiving my atrocious behavior and accepting to start over."
Very slowly, I saw his hand come toward mine. My hand trembled, my heart pounding in my ears. My chest felt too hot.
And then he was holding my hand. Like I wasn't repelling at all.
My whole body trembled fiercely, and I couldn't even think about what he must think, because all I could focus on was the feel of skin, another person's skin touching mine. His hands were cool, but maybe my hands were just hot. The blood pulsed in my veins strongly. I hadn't felt this alive in ages. I looked down at our joined hands in amazement. I couldn't believeit. I couldn't wrap my mind around it. My body didn't need to. It was rejoicing without thought, all my systems seeming to be in active overdrive, every particle of me buzzing.
I looked up at Edward, scared, amazed, blown away. His eyes clouded gently. "You've been alone too," he murmured. It wasn't a question. Tears filled my eyes and spilled without my permission.
Then he slowly raised my hand and gently pressed his lips to the back of it.
Heaven. Overwhelming nirvana.
My pulse was too fast.
My heart was beating too hard.
I was gasping a million breaths each second.
I was surely going to die. Where cold hell had failed before, too much hot heaven was going to finish the job.
I didn't die.
But I did pass out.
When I came to, I knew it must've only been a matter of minutes. The shadows on the buildings hadn't even moved.
Edward was leaning over me, anxious. I felt an unfamiliar, plesant tugging on my hair. I realized he was stroking my hair worriedly, trying to wake me up. My breath started to come quicker. I wasn't used to being touched. This was too much.
"Bella, breathe," he commanded. "That's how you passed out in the first place. You hyperventilated."
"I'm sorry," I choked out, a ringing in my ears. I felt clammy, but oh so alive. I wanted to cry again as he continued to stroke my hair. It felt so good. I never wanted him to stop. I almost said it. Please don't stop. Please don't leave me. Please, I don't want to feel like I did before again. I don't want to feel alone. Not now that I know what it's like. To be touched. I'd forgotten. I really had.
I couldn't say those things though. I pleaded with him with my eyes instead. He sat back and I almost whimpered, but he took my hand and helped me up. My heart pounded again and I fought to keep under control. I might never get used to it. His skin was firm, supple, colder. But I didn't think that was so unusual. I remembered that some people had cold hands. Like doctors.
"Thank you," I breathed. I knew he knew I meant more than helping me up.
He squeezed my hand, his eyes brighter than I'd seen them yet. "You're not as alone as you think," he whispered, slightly cryptic.
I squeezed his hand back hesitantly. "I'm starting to realize that," I said shakily.
He looked at the ground and bent down, scooping up my gloves. He handed them to me, and I took them with my free hand.
I felt a separation coming. I dreaded it. I didn't want to give this up. Not so soon. What if it was a glitch? What if it never happened again?
"I'm glad you decided to forgive me," he said. He looked down at his feet, shuffling them, and then at our clasped hands. "Because I'm not sure I can stay away from you."
"Really?" I whispered, not daring to believe.
He smiled a little. "I'll see you soon," he promised, and then he was letting go of my hand and walking away.
I felt very cold in the absence, and hoped 'soon' would come quicker than even it implied.
Sorry for the wait, I lost my internet for about a week, and I am unable to write without access to an internet. It's a thing. I've only been back for a day.
*Also, for anyone interested, this story is now posted on Twilighted =] So if that means anything to you, I thought I should put it out there.
*There is also now a thread over on the Twilighted boards for this story under 'Alternative Universe' in the forums. Thank you to IslandWoman221! Go on over, chat, discuss, have fun =]
Please review! Plenty of people are on story alert, and if you're reading, I'd really like to know what you're thinking.
- The Romanticidal Edwardian