Disclaimer: I don't own anything… One Tree Hill belongs to Mark Schwann and the CW…. just throwing that out there!
Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning in my own self-pity. I don't like that this is who I have become. I look at myself in the mirror and I hardly recognize the face looking back at me. I see the way I am acting, I am not oblivious to it. But it is almost as if I am a presence in the room as I watch myself break down, loose all self control and I hate it. I hate it. I want to wake up from this nightmare. I want to love to wake up, again in my husband's arms. I want to feel again. Maybe I am drowning. Maybe who I am was burned into who I am now, and the possibility of getting back to normal is gone. I want to get better. I want to be me. But that person is gone.
Nathan slowly woke up. Maybe today is the day. Maybe today will be a better day. Instinctively, he reached over and felt the empty, cold sheets next to him. He rubbed his eyes and the empty side of the bed came into view. His head then turned to the clock and read that it was 4:33 a.m. "What the hell?" He muttered to himself. He tore the covers off his body and climbed from the bed and made his way to the bathroom door. "Hales?" He peeked in and noticed the area dark and empty. Making his way down the stairs, he heard no movement, no sign of Haley anywhere. His stomach started to turn in knots when he noticed the patio door slightly open. And there she was. She changed into jeans and a grey sweater; arms tightly coiled around her stomach, she was standing at the edge of the poor, staring aimlessly into the water. He made his way behind her and wrapped his arms tightly around her chest, surprised when she didn't even flinch. "Come back to bed." He quietly said in her ear. Nathan was disappointed when Haley didn't make any movement to make him believe she would do as he said. "Are you wanting to go for a swim?" He said again with a laugh. "It's a little cold but I could go for it." The slight joke had no affect on Haley and she continued to stare into the water.
"Remember when Jamie fell into the pool and almost drowned?" She said quietly, not changing her view of the pool.
"Of course. That was the worst night of my life. How could I forget?" Nathan responded. "Why?" Haley shrugged her shoulders and wiggled out of Nathan's embrace, making her way to a nearby lawn chair. Nathan followed her and sat facing her on another chair. Taking a deep breath he began to talk. "Hales, baby, you've got to talk to me. This isn't healthy. There's got to be something I can do to help you, just tell me what it is and I'll do it."
"There's not, Nathan. There's nothing anyone can do. I am not even sure if I can do anything."
Nathan stood up and filled the empty space behind her and pulled her into him so she was lying against his chest. Haley covered her mouth with her hand; attempting to stop the sob she suddenly felt pushing out. Nathan's hands were back to being wrapped around her chest. They sat in silence together as the sun began to make itself more known. Nathan suddenly felt light drips of water falling onto his arms. He knew automatically that it was Haley's tears and kissed her head. "Please don't forget how strong you are."
"I'm not strong." She mumbled.
Nathan turned her face so she was facing him and wiped the tears from her cheeks. "Are you kidding me? You are the strongest person I know, Haley. You put up with me senior year when I didn't believe in us, you put your dreams behind mine and went to a junior college, instead of Stanford, so I could play basketball. You were hit by a car, seriously injured and pulled through. You went through labor, for god's sake." Nathan paused before continuing. "And you stayed by me when I put you through hell after my accident. Nathan tightened his grip on Haley and pushed her eyes to look straight into his. "If that doesn't make you strong, then I don't know what does."
"But I can't get through this. Maybe I've reached my limit." Haley responded.
"Impossible."
Haley took a deep breath and shut her eyes and let a single tear fall and felt Nathan's lips kiss it away. Looking back to Nathan, "I can't feel anything. I'm so numb. I just want to feel again." The sobs starting come and Nathan held her tighter.
______
"Hey Dad! Catch!!" Jamie yelled as he threw his football to his dad who was sitting in the kitchen reading the newspaper.
"Nice throw bud! Better play with that outside though." Nathan responded, softly throwing it back to Jamie who went running off outside, ball in hand. He turned his attention to Haley who was standing in front of the stove, slowly stirring the pot in front of her. "Haley… are you…"
"What?" Haley asked softly turning slightly to face Nathan.
"Are you making dumpling soup again?" Nathan carefully asked.
"It's my mom's recipe, Nathan." Haley responded sternly.
Nathan moved from the bar stool and made his way over to Haley and placed his hand on her shoulder. "I know, but do you think maybe it is time to make something else?"
Haley tore the spoon she was stirring with out of the pot and threw it on the counter, causing drops of soup to fly around the kitchen. "Fine!" She picked up the pot from the stove and turned towards the sink. The pot started slipping and it fell through her hands and landed against the floor with a bang, the occupants of the soup spread out along the kitchen floor. Haley gasped and immediately had a flashback of walking in the morning her mom died and seeing her collapsed on the floor, the soup surrounding her. Haley raked her hands through her hair and held her roots tightly, starring at the spilled soup. "Oh god! Mom, I'm so sorry!" She said between tears, leaning down and trying to scoop the soup back into the pot. "Mom, mom, mom… I'm sorry!"
Nathan quickly leaned down and picked her up from the ground. "Haley!"
"Nathan! Let me go! I have to fix this! I have to fix it! Let me go!" Haley said, using all her strength and energy to let herself out of Nathan's grip.
Nathan pushed her over to the kitchen table and sat down on a chair, pulling her onto his lap and replacing his grip. "It wasn't your fault, Haley."
Haley moaned and sobbed into his chest. "Yes it was! I should've been there, I should've been there helping her make the soup, I should've been there! I could've saved her!"
"No you couldn't, Haley, there was nothing you could do. There was nothing I could do, there was nothing the doctors could do."
"It was a two man recipe, I'm the second man, and I should've been there…"
Haley slowly drifted off into sleep and Nathan carried her up to their bedroom and placed her under the covers. He cleaned up the spilled soup and ordered in a pizza for he and Jamie. After dinner, he played catch with Jamie and some NBA live before putting him to bed. Nathan walked into the bedroom, hoping to find Haley still asleep, but she wasn't. He found her standing by the window, staring down to the pool and holding her mother's picture tightly across her chest. "Feeling better?" He asked, still standing at the door.
"Is the soup cleaned up?" She quietly asked, slightly turning to him.
"Yeah, I cleaned it up and fed Jamie. The little man is out like a light now." Nathan reached behind him and shut their bedroom door and made his way towards Haley. "How are you feeling?"
Haley turned to Nathan and put a small smile on her face. "I'm really sorry, Nathan. I shouldn't have reacted like I did."
"I'm glad you did." Nathan responded. Haley looked at him confused and he continued. "You talked to me. You let me in a little bit more." Haley starred into Nathan's deep eyes and leaned up on her toes and pressed her lips firmly onto his. Nathan glided his lips along hers and Haley immediately deepened the kiss. She reached for the buttons on his shirt and started to frantically undo them. Nathan reached for hands and stilled them, noticing small tears on her cheeks. "Haley, what are you doing?"
"I want you, Nathan." Haley said, returning to his shirt.
"Hales, wait." Nathan said, stilling her hands again and wiping the tears off her cheeks. "I want you too, I always want you, but I mean, are you really ready for this? You've had a long day…"
Haley looked down to her feet and let the remaining tears fall from her eyes; she glanced back at Nathan and moved her hands from his chest. "I'm sorry."
"For what, baby?" Nathan asked concerned.
"I want you to make me feel better. I want you to take away the pain. I want you to make me feel again, maybe make things normal again. I thought, maybe, I don't know… I just thought..." Haley watched as Nathan made his way to the bed and sat down. "I'm sorry." Haley mumbled again.
"No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I can't do those things for you. I wish to god that I could, Hales." Nathan said, starring up into her eyes.
Haley kept her gaze to Nathan before moving over to the dresser and taking out her pajamas. "Let's just go to bed, forget this ever happened." She took one last look to Nathan and swiftly moved into the bathroom, shutting and locking the door behind her.