Chapter 4

"Hey." Edward beamed, turning to look at me while my Dad continued to food poison my sister.

"Hey," I repeated back to him. I ran my hands over my hair, trying to smooth it out as much I could after the epic sleep I had. "What's going on?"

"Hey, Bells." Dad finally gave up on feeding Sylvia as she flailed her head in what I presume as a desperate attempt to save herself from my dad's cooking. "Edward cooked lunch. It's in the microwave. Don't worry 'bout me, I already ate."

I entered the kitchen, kissing my dad on the cheek on my way to the counter. "Hello to you, little girl." I cooed at the hair-puller as Edward passed me to her. He took my food out of the microwave and placed a healthy serving of rice on the side. My mouth watered at the sight of my domestic vampire.

My domestic vampire who cooks.

And takes care of babies.

Damn.

"That looks amazing." I said, kissing him and passing little sister back to him. He pulled out a chair for me so I could properly scarf down the chicken with mozzarella and marinara sauce. Like a lady, of course.

"So, what's going on? Why aren't you both off doing things that you usually do?" I asked as I shoveled a helping in my mouth like a proper princess.

"I figured you would be tired after last night so I took the morning off. I'm due after lunch. Edward here though, skipped school." Dad said, giving my boyfriend the stink eye.

"In my defense, I called my parents and filled them in on what happened. I thought Bella would need the extra support." He said winningly as he tried his best to wipe away at my sister's saliva dripping from her tiny, tiny mouth.

"Yeah, I don't like it." Charlie grumbled from his place across my seat. "If I find out that you started skipping school, I'm placing you back in house arrest." He directed at me.

"Sthir, yesth, sthir." I replied mockingly in my best Donald Duck, snapping a salute at him. Charlie rolled his eyes at me. "You'll be heading off to the Cullens when I leave?"

"Yeah, Dad." I replied. I stood up to clear my plate. "I'll just take a shower beforehand, okay?" I said to Edward. After I've cleaned myself, I went back downstairs to find my dad missing. "The perpetual bachelor already left?" I asked Edward as I tied my hair up into a ponytail. He had Sylvia cuddled to his chest with a towel slung over his shoulder. Really, men, this is what it's all about. Take notes.

"Yep," Edward replied. "Coward." I quipped. It was gonna be a harmless talk, it's not like I was planning on reenacting the Spanish Inquisition with him.

"You all set?" Edward hoisted a diaper bag my Dad probably prepared over his other shoulder. I nodded imperceptibly, still a tad bit irked at my Charlie. I followed Sylvia and Edward outside and into the Volvo with a scowl on my face. Edward gave me Sylvia and I instinctively grimaced. Edward let out a little chuckle. "Sorry," he said, sounding quite the opposite of sorry. "I'm sure Alice already ordered a car seat for her."

I was about to say that she didn't have to do that when I thought better of it. Really, what did I expect? At least her incessant spending helped the world spin around. "Yeah, we better hope that that's all she bought." I muttered under my breath. Soon, we were pulling into the Cullen driveway and walking up the steps. From there, I could hear the chaos that would soon greet us which probably explained why Edward looked so cross as we came closer to the house. He and I exchanged a look and I braced myself for the ensuing madness.

Let me tell you this, nothing short of a divine intervention could've prepared anybody for the scene before me. As we stepped foot into the house, I had to work carefully to navigate the floors. Edward grabbed me as I slipped from a stray plastic that littered the hardwood floors. "This place looks like a baby store exploded in here." I said in absolute horror. The Cullen living room looked like an unmitigated disaster. Truly. There were boxes upon boxes—opened and unopened, alike, pieces of paper scraps, torn plastic, tools and spare parts lying on the ground.

"Oh! They're here!" Alice exclaimed, chipper. "I told you, you should've read the directions properly! Now the surprise is ruined!" She screamed at Emmett, throwing a steel wrench on his head which hit with a clank and bounced towards Carlisle who looked deep in thought as he sat on the floor in front of what looked like cherry wood pieces with holes in it. Just in time, he held out his hand and caught the thing before zipping towards Jasper who was in the same predicament but with white panels of wood. Carlisle plucked the screw driver from Jasper's poised hand then returned to his own work. "Hey!" Jasper exclaimed.

"Oookay." I said, totally weirded out. "What's going on?" I asked loudly, halting them from their work. Apparently, I wasn't important enough to be warranted an answer as Alice, Jasper and Emmett looked at me for a split second before returning to their clamoring. Only Carlisle stood up to give me a kiss on the cheek and greet Edward. "Why aren't you at work?" I asked politely, shifting Sylvia who looked as stunned as I did when I first met the Cullens. Carlisle greeted Sylvia in a voice that I never heard from him before. He was… cooing? Baby-talking? Crazy-speaking? Jasper took his moment of distraction to steal back his screw driver.

"Alice's orders. Apparently we were needed here for this little girl." He replied in the same weird up-down tone people uses to speak with babies.

I laughed nervously and sat down on the couch with Edward… Wait, where's Edward? "Where's Edward?" I asked as Carlisle continued to ignore me. Really, that's just rude. I used to be the favorite.

"No, you idiot! It doesn't fit there, read the damn instructions, why don't you?" Edward said loudly at Jasper, yanking the friggin screw driver from his fingers. Jasper looked ticked off. Can't say I blame him. He looked at that screw driver like it was Alice's boobs.

"Why don't you go coo over the baby like Mr. Mom over there and let us real men take care of this, okay?" He said sarcastically, taking the tool back from Edward. "I'll show you real men," Edward muttered with a crazy glint in his eyes. A startled gasp escaped me as he sprung at Jasper, effectively crushing the wood pieces that I now conclude as cabinet parts. Beside me, Carlisle gave an exasperated sigh in response to his hundred-something children's actions and let forth the most ear-piercing whistle I've ever heard in my life while Alice pried the two off of each other by their hairs. "Listen," Carlisle announced. "I'd rather not face the ire of my wife so let's keep this clean and do it quick. Thank you." He finished placidly. "Children," he stage-whispered to me. I nodded in faux camaraderie, as if I completely sympathized with raising man-children in the exact same time that the baby disappeared from my arms. "Holy shhh—" I was cut off by a hand muffling my speech and a cooing voice speaking over me. "Pipe down, dear, you wouldn't want your sister to inherit your pirate mouth, now do you?" With Esme's palm still obstructing my airway, all I could do was shake my head dumbly. "Good," she continued, still in her deceiving sweet voice as she nuzzled my baby sister. "Now, if everybody could mind their language, we'd have no problem." She ended, finally dropping her hand and whisking Sylvia away with the diaper bag. A whimper escaped me. Frankly, Esme scared me more than any vampire I've ever come across; yes, even her teething son, Jasper was no match against sweet, motherly Esme Cullen.

"She's crazy." Emmett said in his best Wolowitz voice. I laughed then dropped next to him and his creation. "Whatcha doin, tough guy?"

"I'm on baby-proof duty," he replied. "So, I'm creating a baby gate."

"Huh," What'd you know? Vampires can be idiots. "Wouldn't it be easier to buy one though…?" I asked in a you're not stupid, please don't cry voice. "Yeah, but where's the fun in that?" He continued. "I spent all night looking up DIYs, please don't ruin my fun." He said flatly as I opened my mouth to argue. I quickly clammed it shut and proceeded to commend him on his work. "I'll just go bother someone else." I said, standing up. "That might be a good idea." He said jokingly.

"Hey," I exclaimed jovially. "No." Edward said before I could get a word out. "Rude." I huffed, moving on to Alice and leaving him with his manly shit with Jasper. I hope he remembers that when he 'accidentally' grazes my ass with his hand. Victorian, my ass. "Hi, Alice." I said to the back of her head. "Err, that's an awfully large paper." I commented stupidly, pulling out a chair beside her. Her elfin features were taught in concentration as she drew a series of lines on one paper and scribbled a few words on a notebook nearby. In fact, she was so concentrated, venom slipped from her mouth and sizzled when it hit the paper. Just kidding. But that would've been cooler than her wiping it with the back of her hand like a pre-schooler. "Alice!" I shouted, banging my hand on the table loudly. "What?" She exclaimed, flashing her angry, laser eyes at me. "Whatcha doin?" I replied sweetly. "Are you fudgin…" She gritted out, narrowing her eyes at me. "What? I just wanted to see if I can help." I smiled innocently at her even going as far as batting my eyelashes. "You want to help?" She yelled, slamming the pencil back on the table, breaking it in half. "Fine! Help!" She exclaimed, dramatically throwing her hands out. I might've had to do a neat Matrix-like move in my seat to dodge her flailing hands. Spazz. "Tell me what kids like for their room when they grow up!"

"Oh, that's easy," I said, pausing dramatically and shooting her a come hither look. "Balls." I said finally with an excited smile. Really, I've wanted this my whole life and if Alice is willing to fund it for me—ehem, Sylvia, then I'll help her all she wants.

A booming laugh started in the living room. Emmett, the childish perv that he is called out, "Alice meant what Sylvia wants, not you." He laughed loudly, that dumbass. "Hey, Edward! She wants balls!" I imagined his overweight ass rolling on the floor, destroying his precious DIY while a piano fell on his head, loony toon style.

"Hey, Emmett!" I screamed, shooting out of my chair. "Why don't you take your balls and shove it up your a—" My eyes widened as another hand—for the second time in ten minutes—clamped itself around my mouth. "Shh." Alice said in my ear. She gestured up where Esme was standing on top of the stairs with Sylvia hoisted on her hips. Esme's eyes were looking over at each of us like a warden. After a sufficient amount of crazy eyes had been unleashed upon us, she turned and went into her torture room. From here, I could see Carlisle looking at his wife lasciviously. I shuddered as an image of Esme whipping Carlisle into submission flashed through my mind. Gross. "Thanks," I whispered to her when it seemed like everything was clear. I looked around me to see everyone pretending to work hard with shifty eyes. Except for the Cullen patriarch. Ew.

"So…" Alice said. "Balls?" We looked at each other blankly for a split second before bursting into giggles like little children.

Thanks so much to everyone who read, reviewed, favorite'd, and followed! Hopefully you enjoyed this chapter. You should know that this story is full of fluff and childish idiocy though it does have a plot. Thanks again! :)