"What do you mean?" I asked in suprise.
"What I mean is that her feelings are a lot more conflicting than she openly expresses." Jasper explained as we continued running. I'd slowed down slightly, running by his side instead of ahead and adjusted the large wood chunk in my arms so I could look at him without it obstructing my view. His expression was thoughtful.
"Was she mad?" I asked meekly. I remembered the odd spark and realized this must have been its cause. So Jasper was right, it hadn't gone as well as I'd thought.
"She was a little angry. But like I said, her feelings were very conflicting. She was going through an extremely rapid change of emotions. Relief, sadness. Anger, jealousy. At one point she was even a bit cheerful. But confused mostly, very confused."
"Why's she so moody?" I asked.
"She's a newborn, a normal newborn," he modified, grinning slightly, "Their emotions are greatly intensified, just like their senses and strength. Also she was in a very stressful situation, meeting you for the first time. It sent her in kind of a tail spin. But she kept under contol, that was the imprissive part."
"She was anxious about seeing me? Why?" I questioned dubiously.
"She wants to have control like yours, Bella, and she wants you to teach her how to get it. She was anxious that if she wasn't careful, she'd scare you off and then she'd be stuck trying to figure it out on her own. That's also where some of the jealousy comes from, she sees you and sees everything she wants to be. You're surrounded by your family. You have supreme control, which has allowed you to stay in clost contact with your father. You have a child, a husband, though I doubt she's very concerned about those last two right now; but you happy. She's been torn from her family and friends and wishes desperately she could apologize to her Baily. She's alone, or as alone as she can be. And she feels that she's out of control, ruled by her thirst, though that has gotten a lot better since she was seprrated from the other newborns and their hunting habbits. She is also very unhappy.
"I think she knew she was envious, and that frightened her even more. What if she flew off in a rage of jealousy and you thought bad of her for it and never came back? Not that she would blame you for it. But what would be your reaction to her even if she didn't explode? Would you like her, hate her? She had no idea. Even though we told her about you and what you're like, she didn't believe us; she needed to see it herself.
So at the beginning she was skeptical and afraid. The more you talked, though, the more she realized how subdued you really were and the more jealous she became. She mastered it though, which was quite wonderful. Towards the end the cheerfulness and relief sprung up and I think that came from the realization that you are real, and that the kind of control you possess is real, and that you accept her, and maybe even like her a little. I think she has a chance to, her willpower is quite stong and she realizes it, too. Maybe that will give her some confidence."
I saw one flaw in her plan though, " How in the world does she expect me to teach her? I don't even know how I do it, nobody does, not unless you count the preparation time I had, but she can't go back and prepare her self, you told her that didn't you?" Jasper nodded. "Well what does she expect me to teach her then?"
He sighed. "I have no idea. We've told her the kind of conrol you possess isn't teachable, but like almost everything else, she doesn't believe us. She doesn't think we're lying exacly, just that we don't have our facts straight. The doubt she has of everybody is extremely frustrating. I'm beginning to wonder if her parents unreliavility has affected her trust of people overall."
"That was sad that she never got attention," I said, thinking back to her story.
"Yes, we all had our human problems. She'll be fine. I'm a little worried abut her visiting her family later in, though. If she lets out the secret and the Volturi find out . . ."
"The Volturi can't do anything if she doesn't tell her family what she is, can they?"
"I really don't think they care. Let me tell you something: remember after the fight with the newborns, when Jane decided to spare Bree? That was very unlike them. They do not give second chances, as Jane said. But Edward told us later why they had made an exception for us.
"You see, they think that Bree will make a mistake, that living with the newborns, lawless and wild, will have had a permanent effect on her, and she won't be able to resist. They're waiting for even the smallest suspicion so they can jump, and come back here to destroy us all. To root out the competition. I would have never expected it of them, but apparently it's true."
I shook my head, part of my mind on Jasper's disappointment in the one's who gave us 'our present way of life'. I knew the realization that they were literally out to get us was very unpleasant to him.
The other, larger part of my brain was working through the fact that my dad knew. What did that mean? If the Volturi'd destroy us over Bree's family knowing, wouldn't they come if they found out my father did? The answer rang clear in my head: yes they would.
Jasper, of course, sensed my unexplained panic. He gazed at me quizically. "What's the matter with you, Bella?"
I paused for only milisecond, then spoke extroidinarily fast in my agitation, "What if they find out about Charlie?" my voice was in its hightst octave.
Jasper answered calmy, "They won't." then, seeing my eyebrows shoot up in disbelief he added, "There's no way they could. Charlie can hardly handle seeing this stuff, let alone talking about it. And he wouldn't tell anyone anyway because he knows we'll have to leave and he wants you to stay near him."
"I know he won't tell . . . ." I said, my boice still anxious, " But what if they find out some other way?"
"How? How would they find out?"
"I don't know. How would they find out if Bree told her family?" That was what he'd said, wasn't it? That Bree telling her family could give us away?
"Bella," Jasper said in that same calm tone, "She has small siblings. Do you really think they'll keep it quiet that their sister's super strong and fast? They'll probably march around school saying she's a superhero or something. Not only that, but according to the newspapers, Bree went missing. If someone knocks on their front door, claiming to be their daughter, and looks nothing like her, what do you think her parents are going to do? Call the police. Then the newspaper will make a nice little article: Stranger Claims to be Lost Girl, Frightens the Daylights out of Parents. Then the Volturi get wind of it, because they're watching for a catalyst."
"Oh . . . . I guess . . ." I was still scared, though. I didn't want anything to happen to Charlie and if it did, it would be all my fault. I had been willing to put him in danger to keep him close to me. Would it be death or vampire life for him now?
Jasper interupted this mortifying thought, trying to get me calm again, "Bella, Charlie will be fine. You don't need to worry about it. If anything comes up Alice will warn us and we'll take care of it then. But it won't happen, so there's no need to stress yourself."
I felt his irresistable calm washing over me. I ran faster, but it still wasn't far enough; I was still within his range.
I stopped. About a hundred yards ahead I saw Jasper stop too, then he doubled back.
"Look, Bella," he said, "Edward's not going to let you visit Bree again if he thinks seeing her has upset you. You have to act normal now, okay? We're almost there."
"Alright," I agreed. Despite the conclutions visiting Bree had brought me to, I still wanted to see her and learn more about her and I knew Jasper was right about Edaward overprotectiveness. Instead, I drew my mind away from my worries about the Volturi and focussed on my family. It was easier than I expected. By the time we reached Esme's five minutes later my worry had been replaced with joy. I had everything I'd ever wanted here and now. Why worry about the unknown future?