Chapter 4: Cold Saliva, Hot Hearths

Remus and Sirius were curled up on an enormous leather sofa, watching a roaring fire. It was so peaceful, and Remus, staring blankly into the flames, felt Sirius nod off onto his right shoulder. The effect was electric. He sat, frozen, a lump in his throat, praying that the moment could last forever.

It couldn't.

"Bloody hell, that does it, I'm changing stations." James, seated on Remus's other side, aimed his wand at the television set, and switched from Hearths Of England, with Phyllis MacPotts to an old episode of Which Witch?. "I mean, blimey, the first two seasons were alright, I guess, but come on! Hell, look—it bored Sirius to death. Poor old Padfoot! Wake up!" He leaned across Remus and punched Sirius in the arm, waking him instantly. Sirius punched James right back, confused.

"What was that for?"

"To wake you up! You were drooling all over Remus's sweater vest, wasn't he, Moony?" Remus, in response, chuckled weakly and glanced at his shoulder. Oh. Sirius had drooled quite a lot, actually. "Anyway, bleedin' Wizard Telly's got nothing worth watching. Look at this," With a flick of his wand, he surfed through the channels. "Goblin Eye for the Wizard Guy, last season's Wizard Idol, some Quidditch match from Guatemala or something, Cooking Magic, Catch that Toad…."

"Catch that Toad?" Sirius interjected.

"Some kid's show, I don't know. Eh, I'm going with Goblin Eye for the Wizard Guy." James waved his wand and it was so.

"But you're straight!" Remus blurted. James looked baffled.

"Yes?" he asked, slowly.

"Well…uh…" His statement didn't really make any sense. Goblins weren't gay. And James was straight, but so was Remus…wasn't he? Sirius jumped up on the coffee table and yelled, breaking the awkward pause.

"Hey, look, Prongs! Your bird's back from Astrology!"

"I'll bird you, Sirius!" laughed Lily.

"Whatever the hell that means!" Sirius yelled back, sitting himself down onto Remus's lap. "I'm taken already anyway, aren't I, Remmy?" Remus let out a frightened yelp and blushed.

"I'm taken too, my love!" cried James, sitting on Sirius's lap with a flourish. "So sorry, Lily. You broke my heart when you went to Astrology, but I've moved on! Haven't I, boys?" Sirius guffawed, and Remus yelped again, more weakly than before.

"Come on, lover-boy," Lily rolled her eyes and grabbed James by the ear, dragging him up the tower stairs and out of sight.

"Farewell, my loves! It was nice while it lasted, but my heart belongs to--"A door slammed, and Remus was left alone under Sirius. A goblin was throwing some wizard's old, outdated clothes into a bin, while another goblin sneered at the man's checkbook and Tupperware of receipts.

"You know," said Sirius, wrapping his arms around Remus's neck, "those goblins do come off as a bit gay. At least that one does." The camera had zoomed in on the clothes-throwing goblin, who was gagging at a pair of corduroy trousers he had just unearthed from a dresser. "Not that there's anything wrong with that." he breathed into Remus's ear. Remus wasn't sure how to react, so he didn't, staring straight at the Wizard Telly. "A silver sickle for your thoughts, Moony." His lips were almost touching Remus's ear, when suddenly—

"You guys," sighed Kallima, "are too much!" Remus and Sirius looked up in shock to find Kallima hovering upside down a few feet above them, taking a picture of the pair with her cellphone. Sirius slid off Remus and back onto the couch, looking dully up at Kallima . Remus's heart took several moments to slow down to its normal pace, but once it did he glared up at Kallima, livid. He snarled,

"Who are you?! What the hell are you doing here? What is your deal?!"

Kallima lowered herself to the couch between Remus and Sirius, flipping rightside up as she did so. She placed an arm around each of the young men and sighed a delicate sigh.

"I guess it is a bit unfair, popping in on you like this, when all you really know about me is my name, its meaning, the fact that I can hover and travel at will though time, that I am half-werewolf and uniquely beautiful, whilst I know absolutely everything about you two," she smiled a sharp little smile, her garnet-red rips parting to reveal ivory teeth with adorably pronounced canines. Her breath smelled like peach Snapple, if peach Snapple were manufactured and bottled in Heaven, but her feminine wiles had no effect on the boys. She knew this, and she loved it. Finally, she continued. "Everything. But I suppose you two have the right to know a little more about me, seeing as we're growing to be so close. So, the 'works' it is! First thing you should know is that I am a very talented telepath, alright? Now then, this might feel a bit weird…" She looked towards the fourth wall (the wall to their left, for the record) and they followed her gaze. The scene got all wibbly, a harp played, and--all at once—both the trio and you readers were treated to a clip show.

In the next chapter, that is.