What is this place which we reside? We graze amongst its grasses and hunt along its fields. We replenish ourselves with its life; it sacrifices itself for our benefit. Each fruit bared, each leaf fallen is from its support. We live due to its nurturing care.
It is the earth. It's that giant brick that floats around in space-the only one known to support life in the universe. Think about it. You see those tiny newborn babies, so innocent and needy. They can barely keep their eyes open and you think, they deserve so much from this world.
However, the world sucks and so does horse-back riding with Kana.
First of all-he's a sarcastic time bomb. I swear if I blocked one more of his inane comments, he was going to explode. Literally. Organs flopping all over the place. Blood everywhere. Jelly bath.
Fine. Perhaps it wouldn't be that severe, but it was going to cover up at least all of Konohana with that ego of his. Maybe reach Bluebell. Right now, I wasn't sure.
Secondly, he touched me every single chance he got. Every. Single. Time. If that doesn't spell creepy, I don't know what does.
That does not spell creepy, Lillian.
E-V-E-R-Y-S-I... You're right. But it's close enough, so shush.
Thirdly, he called me Lil'. Again and again and again and again and again. I am so fed up with this I might just sever his vocal cords with my sickle...with the handle.
Now that sounds awfully appropriate.
I swung my feet in and out of the stirrups lazily, waiting for Kana to catch up with Hayate. I know it takes a while to get saddled up, but its pretty boring waiting for them. He should've gotten her first and then helped me out with Justice, this gorgeous white thing.
Yep. There is no room for question when you say Justice is beautiful. He's got a pure white mane and body, the only dark existing on his body on his muzzle, and those are only small spots. Plus, he's real gentle and smelled my hand for a good five minutes, trying to find whatever smelled so good. Then he allowed me to ride him without hesitance; it was awesome.
He's actually one of Kana's smaller horses, but to me, he's giant. I might be a fourth of this horse's weight from what I can tell. Maybe less.
"He's almost 800 pounds," Kana informed me, grinning when I told him that. "I doubt you're only a fourth."
I scoffed, brushing the comment off. He wasn't going to affect me with his irritating humor.
"Hayate's about 1,300 right now, but she's a draft breed. She's meant for sports n' stuff."
"Alright, then show me what you've got."
He winced, "Nah, she's getting to be an old girl. She hasn't been jumped in almost a year, and she didn't fare very well last time."
And that conversation got me here. Honestly, he's a lot better with the sarcasm thing since we left my house, and... you don't even want to know. I think it was Hayate that calmed him down.
Well there he was, riding towards us. It was pretty cute that he's had Hayate since he was a little boy. Least she can't be a backstabber, like some people. They galloped past us and Kana furtively swept his hand over the small of my back. I shuttered and grimaced at him, also surreptitious.
"So," I trailed, hinting at his gesture, "where are we going?"
"Well, I was planning on riding to Bluebell, but seeing as you haven't moved, I might just have to carry you."
"Hmf," I blew through my nose and urged Justice forward. He complied easily, and I found myself instantly sinking into the rhythm of his gait.
"Not bad Lil'."-I scowled-"How long you been riding?"
"I don't remember. A while."
"Alright. Good enough for me."
That was the first time Kana ever decided not to be annoying.
We started out of Bluebell and I knew Kana was going slow for me, and this sent irritation tingling through my body. Could he accept that I wasn't a novice? I eased Justice into a trot, and felt better once Kana was a ways behind me.
"Oh, is that it?"
"Hm?"
"You wanna race."
I never officially said yes before we were off. I thought I'd be at an advantage due to weight, but my incorrect assumption struck me blindly. Hayate carried herself very well, and I began to wonder if her age was a hoax. He anticipated this, didn't he? As the wind lashed my teeth and flipped my hair about, my gaze sharpened, and I was in the race to win.
My eyes averted Kana the majority of the time, mostly due to what I believed was my victory. We soared through the roughest patches and were never held up. His speed seemed to be always accelerating, so I barely noticed when we had taken the turn downhill. Once at the bottom, we slowed naturally, and I called out, "You bring swift Justice, you know?" patting the horse on the neck. Kana and Hayate followed only a split second behind, close enough for him to to hear.
"Ha, ha, ha," Kana muttered in an unamused tone, but I knew he thought my pun was awesome. Or maybe it sucked. Do people usually laugh at puns? I know I do, and I smirked.
Ack! I smirked at him. Smirks are even worse than looking back at people because that tells them you like them and I certainly do NOT like Kana! I cannot have him thinking I like him. Because I don't. Yesterday, I didn't even know his name for a special little part of the morning that just became my whole day because I didn't know his name all day yesterday and I still don't.
Who's that? Goddess, I can't like someone if I don't know their name. That would be like eating a chip and not knowing what a chip is. Its impossible!
What do I do? Just ask him his name? He's smiling at me and I'm still freaking smirking at him, with only one side my mouth. That looks pretty devious. Why devious? Can't it be murderous? At least something intimidating, please!
Fine - this one time I'll let the grin slide. This is only round one of a much larger concoction.
"You're pretty good with Justice. You beat me."
"You were going easy on me though," I complained, the curl sliding off my lips.
He shrugged and signaled for me to follow him into the quaint town that seemed to be bustling with life and cultural flavor. Everything caught my attention: the architecture, the plants, the light, the vanity, the concept. That cafe down the way especially enthralled me, and Kana noticed me glancing that direction.
"You hungry?"
"Yes. And you may not offer to pay for me."
He was silent, pouting, as we rode over. I smirked, satisfied.
We both dismounted and were instantly attacked by a swarm of people, each buzzing happily with their own annoying vibe.
Trust me, I like people. Its just when there are a few though. And they can't be annoying. And they can't be too interested in me or talk too much or talk too little or obsess over something or be too loud or dangerous or normal or outdoorsy or happy or sad or moody or jumpy or paranoid or loud or vain...
None of these people seem to fit that bill. Except me.
Lillian - that's vanity right there.
And I was describing what I enjoy in other people, not me.
"Uh, Kana," I stuttered, stepping away from the mob. I couldn't have been sure my voice was audible to him though over the cacophonous noise and rattle of voices, so I just slipped away through the crevices in the great wall of human and darted over to a plain table, taking a seat, pretending to be a seasoned visitor. Right to my side was a little flower stand and I hoped it would help cover me from the people who were now guffawing obnoxiously over one of Kana's remarks. Oh, how he makes my hairs stand on edge! I raked my bandana down, certain an angry blush had billowed in my freckle-dappled cheeks.
"Hey," a soft, inviting voice cooed.
A guy sat behind the counter of the flower stall, twirling a rose lazily within his fingers, poking its thorns with his fingertips. He appeared rather reserved as he spoke; his hat was pulled down a little too far, his tie was a tad too loose, his hair hung around his face like a veil. The majority of what he wore was purple, and that made me ponder for a moment. I hadn't at all noticed his presence before he'd said something. Perhaps the purple was to draw attention to himself.
I dismissed the idea swiftly. His voice was naturally attractive and low. His expression invited distaste, as if he weren't pleased I was within his boundaries. "Are you the new farmer in Konohana?"
"Yes," I replied, trying to add an undercurrent of cunning to my own voice. However, my efforts were to no avail - I still sounded absolutely normal.
"Good luck getting tangled up with Kana," he remarked, eyeing the beefy brunette.
"You sound like you know him."
He leaned back in his chair, setting his rose down gingerly on the counter and tossing his arms across his chest. "I might."
And then we left it at that. Before long a skinny lady approached me with a pen in hand, her blond hair tied up in a tight, silky bun. In a moment I'd ordered some sort of soup, feeling my stomach buzz with hunger as she darted away to prepare my food. My fingers traced the coins in my pocket. I wouldn't be able to afford anything after this.
Oh well. Money was just money, right. It can't buy happiness, but it certainly can provide relief and security. And even those were not exactly necessary.
The guy behind the counter stands, flipping the open sign over. I could imagine why. All those tourists gaping at Kana seemed bad for business. Without glancing at me, the flower boy passed the scarlet rose between his two fingers and I caught it warily, cautious for its exceedingly sharp thorns.
"Cam," he said plainly.
I responded, gazing at its petals intensively, "Lillian."
There was no emotion as he strolled past me, off to somewhere he could probably spend alone, without the annoyance of human company.
The rose was delicate. Meticulous streaks prodded its feathery petals beautifully, an otherworldly intricate design which I'd never seen before. (Trust me, I've seen a lot of roses. Used to get them every year for my birthday and they'd always be extremely rare or pretty, but you know what? Being called Rose as a nickname really just results in dead plants and a lighter wallet.) I touched the tips of the petals and buried my face in them. They were smooth as silk and had a sweet, evanescent aroma which abandoned the flower only in time for me to catch waft of its savory scent.
The scent reminded me of home. But I couldn't go back only to become stuck in an endless chain of tire and what the people perceive as love. However, people love because they have no other option. They need to change, and change is that one step forward from friendship to love, and from love to just stuckness. We can't progress any further, now what?
I grazed a petal again with my fingertip, and my gaze lost itself in the crowd. And old man and woman, dressed fancifully, sat on a bench, laughing. The woman was tiny, with garment after garment layered atop her frail frame, and the man had his arm still protectively within reach of her waist as if at any moment he would need to carry her to safety.
You see the couples who have been together for what seems like forever, and you think, they're not stuck. Yes they are. They are just satisfied with how stuck they are. That man doesn't mind that he is glued in place for the rest of his days with her-he enjoys it.
It's a bit hard to understand, I know. Liking being in love? It's an absolutely ridiculous idea that I cannot even begin to comprehend within the doldrums of my complex mind. And I am very much complete.
Am I stuck with myself? I wondered briefly.
Absolutely not. Everything may be changed: my appearance, my personality, my situation. No one person is stuck. At least not until they 'find themselves'. Because when they find themselves, they are stuck with what it is.
I laugh when I think of finding myself; I'm lost in a maze far beneath the earth's crust, sunken deeply into the lower mantle, thick with heat, blazing the mind into utter tantalization and disorientation. I'm a desolate heap of the unknown. I off-set the equilibrium of existence.
...Isn't it nice to know how I view myself?
"Lillian?"
Kana's there, staring down at me.
"You see something you like?"
I, too, had been staring at him. Lost in my mind and thoughts, my gaze had landed upon his. I angrily gnashed my teeth and turn away, gnarling, "Shut up, you idiot. I was thinking."
"About what," he pressed, "how great I am?"
"Never, idiot," I spat back daringly.
He laughed lightly. "You know, you're not nearly as menacing as you think you are."
I chewed my lip.
"So, why'd you get a rose?"
I sat back in my chair, fuming. "That's none of your business, Mr. Popular."
"Fine, fine."
Before thinking, I rushed to my feet, "I'm going to the restroom," and tripped forward. He caught me in his arms, smirking. My face heated impossibly as I dodged his glance that overfilled with stark amusement, and I jerked away.
"Slick," he said, steadying me.
I puffed a cross breath through my nose and shook my arms of his touch, which dangerously lingered on my skin. Then, moving swiftly, I found inside the cafe and stumbled into the woman's restroom.
With only furiously blunt and feisty movements, I yanked the water on and splashed my increasingly scarlet cheeks. Still, you could see the darker, besprinkled spots. I sighed, aggravated. These freckles of mine gave me such an innocent appearance, and I knew they were the immediate reason I couldn't intimidate Kana. If only I could scratch them off!
Oh, and why did I have to be such a tiny person? The width of my shoulders was nothing, and I could nearly encircle my waist with my hands! Then my straight brown hair framed my face like a small girl. My arms were sickly branches. At nineteen, I had the proportions of a ten-year-old. For years I'd been awaiting a growth spurt that would bring me the height and composure I required. I would carry myself like a god.
A few minutes I spent staring down at the ceramic counter before deciding, running my fingers through my smooth hair, that I'd just cope.
I shook, realizing my hands were empty. My rose! Where had I put it? I must've dropped it when I tripped, and that meant Kana had it now. I sneered and stormed out the door, dodging the swarm of people, confronting Kana instantly once I'd reached the table, placing my hands down defiantly on the surface.
"Where'd you put it?" I demanded, noticing his empty hands which sat lazily in his lap.
"What, you mean this?" He plucked the rose from behind his back, and I snatched it from him, pricking my palm with its thorns. I didn't care at all though. I just tossed him a distasteful glare.
"Oh, and," he motioned to the table, "your food came."
I sat, annoyed, securing the rose against my person before delicately placing it on the table. I analyzed my dish, warily throwing glances at Kana to ensure he didn't try to repeat his indolent shenanigan. The chunky soup had an irresistible aroma that stole away my attention, however. I tasted it quickly and savored the meaty broth.
"Since you seem so attached to that thing, I might just call you a rose yourself."
The warming liquid lodged itself into my lungs, and I broke out into a fit of coughing, trying to interpret whether I really heard that correctly.
Rose?
I forced myself to get control of myself and peered, astounded at his skeptical face. He wondered quizzically what was wrong, but I refused to answer.
"Did I say something wrong, rose?"
I shuddered and shook my head furiously back and forth. "J-Just went down the wrong tube."
His eyes darted away, suddenly worried and surprisingly patient.
Mother called you rose, a voice inside my head teased.