Chapter 4: Fear
Dear Bella,
May 25, 2005
Dad and I got in a huge fight when he found out I was taking 2 Equis courses. The asshole found out by asking the dean (aka his best friend) for a copy of my schedule. I guess because he's paying for schooling, I have to study what he tells me to.
Mom stayed quiet. She didn't say a word as per usual. Fuck them. This summer I'm staying with Jeremiah.
Grandpa George is sick. I was supposed to visit him over spring break, but he was hospitalized. Doctors don't know what's wrong with him. He's had to hire a ranch hand and turn down a lot of people that wanted to board and get their horses trained. I need to get down and see him as soon as I can, but I'm broke. My grades aren't as good as I hoped this semester, but I can't quit working at the market either.
I broke up with Kasey. I can't handle her on top of school and work. She cried. I feel bad, but she wasn't the one.
I'm really glad you've met Alice and have gotten to start your writing courses. You're a magician with words.
I'm sorry I'm not more positive. I miss you.
Love,
Edward
.
.
.
.
I spent another day with Penny. We went to the Stock Yards, local flea markets and a Mexican restaurant. I felt refreshed, but also more nervous about getting to Edward. I didn't want to leave Penny. I felt safe here, like I could put life on hold.
She laughed at me and forced me to leave the next morning. I did, but not without tears.
I had been driving for three hours and I was getting restless already. I kept trying to think of ways to get out of finishing my trip. Fear and worry had set in. What if he wasn't there? What if he didn't want to see me?
I shook my bad thoughts away and thought back to the letters. I had skipped some of the best ones, hoping to read them in person with Edward. I imagined it so perfectly in my head, meeting him, but I was so afraid of it going completely different. I decided to just pick up where I left off instead. Right now, this was all I had of him.
.
.
.
.
Dear Edward,
June 10, 2005
I hate when you're sad. Aren't I the pessimistic one in this relationship? Haha.
I believe you should do what you want in college. If your dad wants to pull the funds, let him! You can get grants and scholarships.
The money my parents left me is untouchable until I'm twenty five except for schooling. It would be nice to have some extra cash for food, shampoo, or fresh razors. Hahaha.
I'm sorry about your grandpa. But from what I've heard, he's a tough cookie, much like you, so I know he'll pull through. I know you'll get to see him again.
I'm not so ready for summer either. Hopefully Alice and I can find an apartment soon.
I have a guy in film class that's interested in me, but he looks like a monkey... I just haven't found anyone else that I can connect with as well as I do you. Come to Tennessee!
Love,
Bella
.
.
.
.
It was finally night time. It gave me a reason to stop driving. I rented a small hotel room in New Mexico. I feared another sleepless night so I bought some vodka. There was nothing on TV and I didn't feel like delving back into the letters yet. I missed Penny. I didn't have anyone to talk to.
Around midnight I stepped outside to smoke. The heat had calmed for the night, but still very much alive. I was in sleep shorts and a loose tank top with my hair on top of my head. Sweating was unavoidable.
I lit a cigarette and coughed out smoke when someone next to me sneezed. I clutched my chest in surprise.
"Sorry," a woman laughed. I looked next door to see her sitting on the ground in front of her room door.
"That's okay," I coughed. "I spook easily." I went back to smoking and stepped away from my door to lean on the railing. I was on the 3rd floor of three, and the view was amazing. Little lights of the city in the distance lit up the night. They comforted me in a way. I wasn't up this late entirely alone.
"Pretty, isn't it?" The woman said.
"Yes," I agreed.
"Have you ever been here before?"
"Nope. And it's too bad that I'm just passing through. What about you?"
"Oh, yeah. I live here. I'm staying at this place while my house is being renovated. I never thought I'd end up loving a desert so much." She chuckled.
"So you're not from here?"
"I'm from Atlanta. Where are you from?"
"East Tennessee."
"Long way from home."
I smiled.
"I am aren't I? It's weird to think about that. I'm driving up to Colorado to visit a friend."
"That's sweet," she replied. She had long black hair and wonderful smile. "I'm Meagan."
"Bella," I said with a nod. She stood up and removed a pack of menthols from her pocket, lighting one.
"Has it been a long time since you've seen your friend?"
I couldn't help but laugh nervously. Meagan frowned.
"I uh, haven't ever met him actually."
Her eyes widened.
"Now that's interesting," she said. "And juicy."
We laughed.
"We've been pen pals for a long, long time, and planned to meet when we turned twenty eight."
"Now that is the most romantic thing," she cooed. She had a slight southern twang to her voice. I'm sure everyone I met along this trip knew I was southern, too.
"I hope so," I whispered.
"You don't think so?"
I shrugged and flicked my cigarette, immediately lighting another.
"I don't really know," I said sheepishly. "We haven't spoken in years. But we promised to meet now, so I'm going."
"Did you lose touch?"
I nodded and now the ache returned to my heart. I hated thinking about how I lost him.
"Yeah, in college. He decided to drop out and I went on to graduate school."
"I'm sorry," she said sweetly. "But I'm sure he's there. Are you nervous?"
"Yes," I breathed. We giggled. "More like terrified."
Meagan scoffed.
"Don't let fear hold you back. Let it push you forward."
I frowned and pondered her statement.
"That's genius."
"I don't know about that, but if you ever want to conquer fear, you have to go through with it."
"Thank you," I replied with a slow smile. "I will definitely be chanting that in my head on tomorrow's drive."
"Not long to go, right?"
I shook my head and swallowed hard.
"About three and a half hours."
"You got this. Best of luck," she said. We shared a smile, and went back to our respective rooms. I would probably never see Meagan again, but I would never forget her or her advice.
.
.
.
.
Dear Bella,
May 2, 2007
I feel like school has passed us by quickly and we aren't even done yet. I have failed. I won't be able to graduate. Dad isn't speaking to me.
I'm so tired of being pushed. I'm so tired of trying to fit into this neat, little box that everyone wants me in. It's suffocating me. I've been drinking and out with Jeremiah too a lot.
I'm dropping out, Bella. I hope you don't think less of me. I don't care what everyone else thinks. I'm alone. I'm tired. I'm broke. I wish I could be with you.
Remember when we promised to meet up one day? We need to set that in stone.
It's taken me so long to realize that I don't want anyone else because no one is you.
Write me soon.
Love,
Edward
I had to post today because I'm so excited. We decided to take a trip to visit my parents who are down visiting my sister in Dallas. Sooo, here I am, packed the kids and am heading west from east TN with grandma in tow. One more chapter to go until EDWARD. See you Sunday xox