Oh the reviews, you guys are seriously awesome. So keep the reviews coming and I'll keep the chapters coming for as long as I can. This isn't incredibly easy to write but I can't seem to stop either. In regards to some of the reviews from a guest account. It seems as though some people would like a chapter from Jace's POV and at this time that's not going to happen. Clary's really messed up, you get to see a lot more of that this chapter, and this is all from her eyes so you only know what she knows and how she perceives things which can be very wrong at times. But it's important for the story for now at least. You get to see a little sneak with Dr. Amatis that isn't from Clary's perspective, but these are all things Clary already knows about herself.

It's hiding in the dark
It's teeth are razor sharp
There's no escape for me
It wants my soul,
It wants my heart

No one can hear me scream
Maybe it's just a dream
Or maybe it's inside of me

Skillet - Monster

Clary looked at her phone and her stomach bottomed out. Why did she text him? Why did he text back? Stupid, stupid, stupid. To her terror her phone beeped again, and now she was shaking. She looked down to the message. Can I call you?

Fuck, now she knew she really shouldn't have text him. They had text each other a few times since they broke up, but mostly it was in the beginning. He hadn't bothered her since she said she was going to spend the night at her ex's. Sebastian had called insistently that night, leaving nasty message after message, calling her a whore, a slut, that she was probably fucking him right now.

Clary had never even bothered to respond after that. Her trips to Dr. Amatis, her head doctor, had really begun to help now that she was being more honest for once and Clary had been able to resist doing what he commanded. But right now, Clary had gone AWOL from seeing Amatis in the past few months and she had not been practicing her coping skills. So when Sebastian asked if he could call her, Clary couldn't help but tell him yes even though she wanted so badly to scream no.

He must have been waiting for her response because as soon as she text yes her phone started to ring. She had never changed his ringtone and the sound of that song sent shivers through her spine. She wanted to throw up, she wanted to hide. She felt like another panic attack was coming. She answered the phone like the masochist she is and held it up to her ear through shaky movements.

"Hello?" She asked. She felt like she was under water and drowning.

"Hey baby." His voice flowed from the speaker. A wave of both calm and unease took over her. She felt herself going in what she called default mode and she was thankful for it. Default mode wasn't powerless against anything Sebastian told her to do, but default mode was a bitch, like a super narcissistic, greedy bitch. The problem with default mode was once Clary went in; it was really hard to come back out.

Clary's body stopped shaking and her voice leveled out to an eerie calm. "Did you need something?" She asked her tone harsh.

"Just been thinking a lot about you lately baby. Then suddenly my phone goes off and it's my little angel saying she missed me." Clary could hear his smile through his tone.

"Oh fun. Guess I have good timing. Just wanted to see what you have been up to lately. How's your dead sister?" Clary sneered through the phone.

She heard a sharp intake of breath from the other side. "I was just trying to get your attention." He snapped back, it was a tone he used to use to make her cower and become complacent. It didn't work on default mode; he had helped to turn her into this monster. This monster that no one wanted.

"I didn't realize pretending your sister died was now an acceptable way to get attention." Clary chirped back. She smiled as she heard him struggle for words.

"I didn't call you to get into a pissing match. I take it you're not in a good mood right now." He said finally, softening his voice. He was trying to pull her back in, she could feel it.

"Actually I went to the club last night. I brought home this super hot blonde; we were barely in the door when I brought him up to my room. Man that boy's fingers were enough to make me scream." Clary said with the widest smile.

"Whore." He said and then hung up the phone.

Clary was still smiling as she turned off her phone. But too soon after her smile started to slip from her from her face and she went back to blank. She shouldn't have text him in the first place. It was so stupid of her. The only thing she could thank her lucky stars for was that Sebastian didn't live in New York like she did; he lived all the way in California and couldn't just make a surprise visit.

Clary felt herself begin to shake. She had pushed herself too far this time. She felt the thoughts as they began to swirl around her head. It felt like she couldn't breathe, as the air was coming in at short gasps. Clary needed to move, now! She crawled through her room on her hands and knees, finally reaching her closet. She pulled the door open and crawled in. She backed herself into the small back corner. Clary sat and curled herself into the fetal position and began to rock back and forth. She was muttering again, always the same. "I don't want to be alone. I don't want to die alone. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to die alone."

Clary came out of it eventually. She always did. She had no idea how long she had been in the closet. She had no idea how late it was. She came out of the closet slightly shaking. There was a lot of light coming through her window so at least it was still day. She grabbed her phone and turned it on, it was just after noon. She wished Izzy was here. She needed an appointment with Dr. Amatis, but making appointments was another thing likely to send her into a panic attack, but she really needed to see her.

She punched the number in quickly and put the phone to her ear. She couldn't wait another day; she needed to get in now. "I need to see Dr. Amatis immediately. It's an emergency. Clarissa Morgenstern. Yes, I'm leaving now." She said quickly and then pulled on some more appropriate clothing. She ran into the bathroom and took a quick look in the mirror. She shuttered at her reflection, she had not showered or taken off her make-up from last night which was now smeared all around her face like a bad Halloween mask. She couldn't believe that Jace had just sat with her this morning with her looking like this. She took off her make-up and washed up quickly then grabbed her keys and headed out the door.

She hadn't been in to see Dr. Amatis in a few months. She should have been going to regular appointments. But it was too hard to find time with all her jobs. Maybe she just wanted to convince herself that she was fine. Ha! That was a laughable thought, she knew she wasn't fine.

Clary sat in the waiting room nervously twisting around her bracelets. She hoped she wouldn't have to wait too long. Clary briefly wondered who must have given up their appointment for her sudden "emergency."

Dr. Amatis was in her office and she pulled the file for her "emergency appointment." The name didn't quite register but once she opened the file she knew immediately who was waiting out in the office for her. Clarissa, or Clary as she preferred, had been coming in off and on for around 9 months. Her father was another patient, but the differences between them were remarkable.

Clarissa was diagnosed with extreme bi-polar depression, dissociative disorder, anxiety disorder, and obsessive compulsive disorder. Most of this stemmed from her abusing childhood where she had been sexually abused by her step-father, verbally abused and neglected by her mother. Clarissa had multiple suicide attempts and tendency toward self-harm. If she had called saying it was an emergency then Amatis needed to see her.

"Clary, it's good to see you." Amatis said as she opened the door to the waiting room.

Clary grabbed her purse and stood, crossing the room and going through the door and down the hall to where Amatis' patient room was. Clary waited from Amatis to open the door and then Clary slid in and headed for her chair. There were plenty of seating options in the room, but Clary always preferred the chair, it made her feel more like an equal.

"So what's going on?" Amatis said as she sat herself behind the desk.

Clary was spinning her bracelets again. She didn't exactly know how to start, or where to start. "I had another panic attack." She said avoiding looking at her while she talked.

"Have you been having them often?" Amatis asked as she made little notes on her notepad.

"Not as bad as when Sebastian and I first split. But I still have around one a week." Clary said finding her bracelet very fascinating.

"Have you been taking your medicine when they happen?" Amatis asked softly.

"No." Clary said ashamed.

"Do you know why you don't want to take them?"

Clary looked up for this answer. "They give me freaking amnesia! I take a pill and 30 minutes later I don't remember shit."

Amatis nodded her head. "Yes, that is a purposeful effect of the medication. They are designed to take when you first feel a panic attack coming on and the amnesia is temporary to help you get through the moment without having an attack."

"I know." Clary said while looking down again.

"So do you know what brought on this latest panic attack?" Amatis said knowingly changing the subject.

"I talked to Sebastian." Clary said quietly, suddenly finding her bracelets very interesting again.

Amatis wrote furiously on her little notepad. "I'm guessing that didn't go over so well." She said once she stopped writing.

"As soon as I heard his voice I went default mode." Clary said still looking down.

"Clary." Amatis said gently and Clary looked up to see what she had to say. "We have talked about this before. It's part of your dissociative disorder. You spent so many years of your childhood pushing down all the negative feelings that in doing so you pushed down the good too. You are very close to not being able to feel any emotions at all. This "default" mode, as you call it, is just that. Right now you need to focus on you. I wouldn't recommend any serious relationship until you have a handle on who you are as a person. Sebastian was very controlling and mixed with your history puts you in a vulnerable place right now. It would be very easy for you to attach onto the wrong person and have them dictate who you are again. You need to go out and have fun, figure out who you are. You need to be comfortable in your own company before you consider getting into another serious relationship."

Clary nodded her head. They had talked about this before when Clary had first left Sebastian and she had brought Izzy along with her to see Dr. Amatis. Dr. Amatis had told Izzy to take Clary out, take her to a party, get her out of the house and doing things.

"Thanks again for seeing me on such short notice." Clary said as she grabbed her purse and moved to standing. She headed for the door and was stopped.

"Oh and Clary, one more thing, remember when you start to let the emotions back in it's a all or nothing kind of deal. We can't chose which emotions we want to feel, you're going to get the good with the bad and it can be a long process. I would suggest you schedule regular appointments and let me help you through this process. It can be…overwhelming."

Clary just nodded again and thanked her for her advice. She opened the door and left, bypassing the scheduling desk and running straight for her car. She sat down in the driver's seat and took a deep breath. It was all the same things as she had heard before. She same advise in different words. She needed to figure out who she was not what Sebastian had told her she needed to be. She needed to go out and have fun, live her life but no relationships. No steady ones at least. Clary couldn't let herself get attached or they would form her like Sebastian had. Casual sex, nothing more.

Clary looked at the clock and smiled. The timing couldn't have been more perfect. She put the keys in the ignition and took off. She would have just enough time to get there before her break.

She pulled in and parked the car, shutting off the engine and racing out of the car. This is what she needed to make her shitty day better. She liked to surprise him on his breaks whenever she got the chance, which wasn't too often with the way she worked. She headed for the doors of the large local superstore. He worked in the paint department which was a good thing, it was almost always empty.

She went first to the mixing counter but he wasn't there so she began to walk randomly down the nearby isles looking for his tell-tale hair. She continued to walk around aimlessly when she heard a voice from behind her.

"Hey, I know that tattoo." Clary turned around quickly and saw exactly who she was looking for, Jace. Clary had a tattoo of an angel on her back in between her shoulder blades. Sebastian had forbidden tattoo's and once they split it was one of the first things Clary went out and did, it was her own permanent "fuck you" to him.

Clary did a little squeal and then ran for him, straight into his open arms. There was nowhere else she wanted to be. One minute with him was better than an entire hour with Dr. Amatis. She pulled back slightly and smirked. .

"Good, I was hoping someone would be able to help me." She said donning a fake professional voice.

One of Jace's eyebrows hitched. "Were you looking to paint one of your rooms?"

"Actually I was looking for an associate. See, he usually goes on break about this time. Utterly gorgeous. Have you seen him around?" Clary asked with a sly smile.

"You know, I know exactly who you are talking about. Trouble is I saw him leave here just a few minutes ago with this smoking red-head. Man I almost asked for her number too." Jace said biting down on his bottom lip to keep from smiling.

Clary pretended to pout.

"If you want, I was just about to go on break. Maybe I could help you find him." Jace said and Clary smiled.

"What are you waiting for, go clock out dork." Clary said giving him a light push in the arm.

Jace smiled and walked backwards for a minute before turning and jogging to the back where his punch out card was. It only took him a minute before he was back, wrapping his arm around Clary's shoulders as he lead her through the front door.