Chapter 4:
So live like you mean it
Love till you feel it
It's all that we need in our lives
So stand on the edge with me
Hold back your fear and see
Nothing is real till it's gone
Hold on before its too late
Until we leave this behind
Don't fall, just be who you are
It's all that we need in our lives
Goo Goo Dolls
Takumi was a man who dealt with everything in the accordance to his priority. He had simply explained to Hachi that he gave 90 percent of himself to work and the other 10 percent to everything else.
Work was writing songs, work was arranging gigs and appearances, work was managing staff, work was giving interviews, work was Trapnest, work was Naoki, work was Ren, work was Reira. Work was everything that connected him to Reira. He could not go beyond. That was what he had planned almost from the moment he heard that he could form a band where Reira could sing.
He didn't need anything else. He got everything a man could need being beside her. Wasn't that enough? Wasn't it all that he ever wanted?
As long as she was there, he didn't care if everything he had was lost. He could win it back.
But the thing was, if he lost everything – wealth, fame … Reira would be beyond his reach. So he had to preserve a few things to keep his hold on her life.
It took everything in him to possess and retain these, and so much , that he never could offer love. . . in the way she wanted. If he did give in, she would not be the Reira that captivated him so many years ago. The one thing that he wanted to be unblemished in the world would join the filth of the rest of the world. He could never let that happen.
In ten years, the boy had grown into a man, but he never stopped following this principle. He only kept tools that helped to maintain his bond with Reira or maintain his sanity. He would let go if none of these criterion were fulfilled. Sometimes, he would sacrifice the latter if he couldn't help it. Hachi had been such an option.
Your wife is DYING! YOU MORON!
Takumi looked out the Boeing window, his sunglasses on his nose. He was holding his chin in his hand. He had been in the same position for 3 hours unmoving. 9 hours to go. Some passengers were pointing at him.
He was heedless of their attention. Or of the annoying brat playing music loudly on his CD player seated beside him.
Your wife is DYING! YOU MORON!
Your wife is DYING! YOU MORON!
Your wife is DYING! YOU MORON!
Your wife is DYING! YOU MORON!
He collected his thoughts. He tried to collect his thoughts. If Hachi died, he would have place Sachiko under a nanny's care. He would let go of the home at Shirogane. He would have to announce her death and arrange a funeral and her parents would…..
Takumi felt his breath constricted and he needed some air. Damn! these aeroplanes never had a window to breath out through. He needed a smoke.
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The operation was supposed to be a long one. The strain of the child birth had put her in a more delicate state than she would normally have been. They had to operate on her carefully but quickly. All in all, it would take more than a few hours.
Not much of this piece of information went through to Nana. . . or to Nobu
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Nana, ……..let me confess. I had hated you….. I tried to. The moment you went on saying 'Sorry' and wouldn't say anything else. I desperately tried to hate you. Is that why…...you are punishing me this way?
Let me add, I could not.
I tried and failed. I can not…
I can--never---hate you….
No matter what you say….
I can not hate you…
No matter what you do….
I can not hate you…
I …..have never ….stopped loving you.. and won't ever…
….even if you choose someone else…
..it's okay, as long as you are happy….
...and there was never any need for you to apologize… whatever you do, it's okay with me… but if that's what you want, I will forgive you … if that's how you want it….so please…please…. Don't let go….dont go beyond my reach…where I can never see you smile even from a distance...Nana….. at least let me know you are somewhere breathing and alive…..that will be enough for me….. I wont want anything else from you… I wont show you my face again….Just be alive….stay alive….don't disappear…please don't…. stop existing….
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"Hey! Hey!", Takumi called to the passenger who just left his side. He left the CD case behind. Takumi gave up. That boy might just return for it. Even though the case looked as if it were broken.
He plopped it on the empty seat beside him. The booklet came off. He side glanced at it. It was not in Japanese. Apparently, English.
He distractedly picked up the booklet and flipped through the pages. An international pop artist. Pages and pages of lyrics. Presently, the name of one song caught his eye. He ran his eyes on the lines.
Send someone to love me
I need to rest in arms
Keep me safe from harm
In pouring rain
Give me endless summer
Lord I fear the cold
Feel Im getting old
Before my time
As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord I'm doing all I can
To be a better man
Go easy on my conscience
cause its not my fault
I know Ive been taught
To take the blame
Rest assured my angels
Will catch my tears
Walk me out of here
I'm in pain
Robbie Williams
Takumi gave a wry smile. These words rang a bell.
How odd, he thought, reading the words of a different artiste and being in the business himself, he never thought about the soothing power of music or its words that he was so talented to pen down, with such a clarity as at that moment.
I have written so much music about other people that I had forgotten how to write about myself. Someone else's lyrics had to make me realize that.
It is meaningless now. Now, that I feel so empty. . . I have no more words to describe what I feel now.
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