Thank you all for the continued views! I hope you're enjoying yourselves.
We get somewhere this time, and get some background info as well….
If you have any questions or critiques shoot them at me!
You can also find me on tumblr at .com, and I tag all story things with "A little Unsteady Fic"
Enjoy!
Kylo focused on the controls as soon as they were on the ship. He waited only long enough for his father to seat himself in one of the chairs on the bridge before he took off and pointed the ship on a trajectory towards space. Pings on the radar showed that other small ships were landing near the slave settlement. A couple turned towards them, but Kylo pushed the ship's thrusters to max and shot away from them, leaving the smaller crafts behind.
They should plot a course, get into hyperspace, but where? Kylo wasn't sure. He should point the ship at D'Qar, get his father back to his mother, and…
His mind trailed off after that. The fitful beasts at the back of his mind growled appreciatively.
"Thank you," His father said. His voice was low and slightly gruff, as always.
Kylo looked at him, half-expecting his father to disappear before his eyes, reveal himself to be some sort of Force-dream, reveal this whole experience to be some pain-induced hallucination. He was going to wake up, back in the prison, trapped once again in the darkness of solitary confinement with nothing but his thoughts and the lingering pangs in his brain and arms. His arms - for the first time since he'd left Bespin they jolted with pain. It was more imagined, remembered, than actual. What had been left in the bacta vial had been enough to heal the worst of the damage, and since leaving Takodana they'd steadily healed until only the surface skin remained raw.
Kylo flexed his fingers, bringing real, unimagined pain to his arms, a light caress of burning across what was rapidly becoming scars. He couldn't look away from his father, and despite himself he saw him, not as the figure from his memories but the real person before him. Old, worn, his hair longer than when he'd last seen him, a rough beard grown shaggy on his face. His clothes weren't his, they were too big and hung on his frame loosely, ragged at the edges. His skin was burned-tan, wrinkled by wind and sun. Was he as weather-beaten on the inside as he was on the outside? Kylo shrank from the thought, not even daring to think about touching his father's mind.
Maybe his father was expecting a response. Maybe he wasn't. But he seemed to be taking the moment of silence to look at Kylo as well, eyeing him curiously, as if unable to recognize him. Kylo refused to shrink from his gaze, though he knew all too well what he saw; hair short and ragged from the bi-monthly haircuts the prison guards had forced on him, skin too pale, the circles under his eyes too dark, all combined with the worn and poorly fitting clothes salvaged from the Rodian's closets… Hux had told him that he'd gotten a feral look to him in prison, and Kylo could tell Han saw that as the older man's eyes grew soft with worry.
"What's wrong with your eye?" His father asked finally, sounding concerned.
"Nothing," Kylo snapped back, refusing to look away. He hadn't thought it would be so apparent, no one at the prison, other than Hux, had ever mentioned it, not after the doctors in the med bay who'd treated him after the… the… He bristled, keeping the memory from resurfacing through sheer force of will. "Nothing is wrong with it. It's fine."
Han - he was rapidly becoming comfortable with allowing his father's name to come to mind, now that the man was in front of him, alive - did not look convinced, but he didn't press the issue. Was it that odd, Kylo thought, did the dilated pupil stand out so much? He'd mostly forgotten about it, unless he looked in a mirror and noticed it. He'd learned to use tiny levels of the Force to assist with the blurred vision and the light sensitivity, so much so that it had become automatic. Perhaps doing so, constantly, was affecting the implant's threshold. Maybe if he were to stop, he'd be able to raise it, use more of the Force than he'd been able to up to this point. He tried to weigh the benefits of each, desperately leaning towards the greater usage of the Force, but his mind couldn't quite focus on the question.
"The war?" Han ventured a question.
"It's over," Kylo responded flatly. "It ended a… a while ago."
"A while?" Han asked. He was looking for a better answer, something to orient himself by. Kylo couldn't give it to him.
"Yes," Kylo responded, then asked his own question, quickly before his father could come up with another, "How did you survive?"
Han looked weary then, wearier than he had a moment before. He seemed to consider an answer, but let it go again, and only shrugged.
"I tried to find you," Kylo said, starting slowly but then his word came in a rush, falling from his lips faster than he could stop them, "I shouldn't have, I didn't want to but I did… I.. I couldn't, you were nowhere."
Han looked taken aback, his eyes glistened suddenly, and he rubbed a finger along the bridge of his nose, looking away a moment before turning his eyes back to Kylo.
"I really don't know," He said in a broken voice. "I… fell, everything went black, and then there I was, waking up in a stasis chamber on an unknown ship…" he chuckled lightly, "Well, it wouldn't have been the first time, but.. That was the whole of it. These insect things had a whole freighter of slaves they'd picked up in all sorts of places, and they kept us all in stasis until we got to that planet of theirs. I wasn't the only one they'd picked up from Starkiller, there were Stormtroopers there too, and resistance pilots…"
A sweep after the base blew up? Kylo couldn't understand how it'd been done without drawing the notice of the First Order, and his brain was in no state to even try to comprehend it.
"What about you?" Han asked, watching him, "What happened, after the war?"
Kylo shied away, mentally at least. He turned his eyes back to the vastness of space outside the window, the deep darkness of it, but then that seemed almost more overwhelming than his father's question. He turned back to Han uneasily.
"Prison." He said simply. Han looked surprised.
"You were captured?" He didn't seem to believe it.
"Yes." Kylo didn't want to remember those days, those hours, those moments.
"How?" Han asked. It was an honest question, it had that damn parental tone, he wasn't asking about the war, he wasn't asking about anything but Kylo and how he survived it all. Kylo had very nearly erased him from existence and still, still, he granted him concern.
"The… Resistance discovered Snoke's planet, and planned an attack on it," Kylo said haltingly, bracing himself for the flood of memories. He'd tucked it away, deep in his mind, far away from where he could touch on it accidentally, but now that he began speaking of it he found it couldn't stop. The words flowed from him, like blood from a fresh wound, "I was already there when the Finalizer came to support the planetary defenses. Maybe it would have been enough, having the Finalizer there, but… defectors among the Stormtroopers had contacted the Resistance, and transferred the defense plans to them. Most of them were killed or captured before they'd escaped, but by then the Resistance fighters had already arrived."
Kylo paused, unable to keep the memories at bay any longer, the shadows of Resistance X-Wings flying across desert dunes darkening his mind, "The Finalizer was too massive for their ships to take down, not with the masses of Tie Fighters to fight, and it… it almost seemed we'd beat them back-"
It wasn't his memory now, it was doubled, and because of it magnified in its impact; one of the Petty Officers, arguing on deck with Hux, viciously - Phasma attempting to get the situation under control as crew members wavered at their posts, the officer backed by other crew members, a revolt at the most crucial of moments. The Petty Officer shutting down the Finalizer's shields, crew members scrambling to raise them again as the officer's backers fired on them, blaster bolts filling the air with crackling heat and debris -
"There was a revolt," Kylo said simply, unable to put words to the scenes that replayed in his head, unwilling to let the anger within him rise to uncontrollable levels - traitors, cowards, all of them - "The Finalizer's shields went down, the Resistance boarded it and captured the General and several other crew members. With the Finalizer disabled, they were able to launch a much more dedicated attack on the planet itself."
Blaster bolts and fires across the dunes. Dead bodies scattered among wreckage. The unerring feeling that he was missing something, that he was missing everything, that he couldn't find a direction where he wasn't faced by utter annihilation - everything was over.
He finished as simply as he'd begun, "Rey killed Snoke… I was captured. The war ended."
The war ended for some, at least.
"But, how did they capture you?" Han seemed unable to process the idea.
Reaching the inner chambers as Rey killed Snoke with a final stroke, the sudden loss of his master's touch on him throwing him, sending him reeling. The anger, the fury, he had a path he had direction and she'd taken it from him, taken it all - the battle with Rey afterwards, feeling the loss of his purpose as if it were a mortal wound, leaking his insides across the floor along with the blood of his wounds. He'd never been able to focus, in a rage, never been able to do more than self-destruct, and it was no more true than then. Than then…
"They captured me," Kylo snapped, harsh and pained, realizing he'd left the question hanging in the air far longer than he should have. "They held a trial, they were going to execute us but some bleeding hearts decided there'd been too much bloodshed, so they imprisoned us all. Locked us up."
A condensed version, omitting facts. Han seemed aware of it, looked inclined to ask again, but he was a sharper man than that. He kept his questions to himself for the moment, and Kylo appreciated the chance to slow his whirlwind thoughts, to refocus on what was before him.
He needed to return his father to the Resistance, to his mother. Obviously.
"I'll be taking you to Naboo," He said, somewhat calmer than before, "There is a Resistance squadron deployed there that can take you back to D'Qar."
"Naboo?" Han didn't sound too enthusiastic about the idea. "Can't we just go straight to D'Qar?"
"No!" Kylo, "Not D'Qar. Naboo."
"Sorry," Han sounded regretful. He motioned to his head, "I'm still catching up…"
Kylo eyed him distrustfully, not entirely believing it. Hadn't Han wanted to take him home before? Wouldn't he try to again?
"Was that where you… where they held you? On D'Qar?" Han asked tentatively, watching Kylo.
"No." Kylo said shortly.
"Then are you sure you can't-"
"NO!" Kylo spun back to face him, furious. "I am NOT going back!"
Han didn't shrink from his glare, merely held his hands up in silent surrender. Kylo growled and turned back to the controls, plugging in the coordinates for Naboo angrily.
"Do you need anything?" He asked, tone harsh and demanding. "Food? Water? New clothes? There are supplies in back."
"I'll go take a look," Han said, easing himself up out of the seat.
"Do you need help?" Kylo chewed through the words.
"No, I think I'll manage," Han replied as he made his way down the corridor. Kylo could feel him as he headed back, slowly and wearily. Was he injured? Or was he just overworked? Kylo could only wonder, but he refused to ask. His father wouldn't admit it, anyway, not unless it was life threatening. Kylo busied himself with the controls for a while, but there was over eight hours of hyperspace flight before them, and there was no way he could ignore Han's presence for the entire duration.
He tried to. It didn't last long.
Kylo wandered aimlessly to the back little more than an hour later, pausing at the entrance to the common area in back. There was a low table bolted to the floor in front of the room's single bench built into the wall, and Han was sitting at it, picking at a some food on a plate, an empty rations packet laying beside it. He looked up as Kylo walked up, eyeing him, but said nothing. He'd found new clothes, and looked like he'd taken a shower. His beard was shaved and his hair was cleaner, if not shorter.
Kylo hovered at the threshold, unsure of what it was he actually wanted. The thought of answering questions made him nauseous, but even the threat of questions couldn't keep him from seeking his father out. There'd been a time when he would've wanted nothing more than to be rid of him, be rid of both his parents, have them both gone so far he wouldn't have to think of them ever again. Yet there he was, lurking at the entrance to the common area, unable to pull away from the magnetism his father seemed to be putting out.
"You going to come in or are you just going to stand there and glower at me?" Han asked, raising an eyebrow.
Familiar, as if nothing had changed. Kylo found that terrible for some reason. He entered however, and sat at the far edge of the bench. Han motioned at the plate, wordlessly offering the half of the roll still left. Kylo eyed it, then eyed Han, and shook his head. Han shrugged, and ripped another piece off for himself. They sat in silence, the ship's near imperceptible hum the only sound around them.
Kylo found himself running his fingers along the wrinkles of his pants. He forced himself to stop, it was an old habit he'd thought he'd gotten rid of. Maybe it was this proximity to his father, to his past, that brought it back. The whole of it hung over him, prepared to drop at the slightest touch. He no longer found it as frightening, as he had once, and that in itself made him feel odd, suspicious. He didn't… he didn't want it, didn't want the familiarity; attachments were only an inconvenience, only limiting. Hadn't the Jedis taught that? Hadn't Snoke insisted on that separation? Hadn't it served him we- had it served him - well?
Kylo found himself clutching fists in the fabric of his pants, his heart beating wildly in his chest. He glanced at Han, found his father looking around.
"This is an interesting ship," Han said, "Looks like it was built off of a courier freighter."
"It belonged to a Rodian," Kylo said. Han snorted.
"Past tense, huh?" He said, glancing at Kylo with a smirk. It sent a warm pang through him; he'd forgotten, that his father wasn't quite as engrossed in the Light as the rest of his family.
"Why…" Han started suddenly, voice suddenly sharp, not like a knife but like accidentally broken glass, as if he himself had been unaware he was about to speak. He cleared his throat, then began again, his voice more controlled, "Why did you… you know, rescue me…"
Kylo turned the thought over in his head. Why?
"I… I dreamed you were alive," Kylo said, "I decided that I would get you out of wherever you were being held."
Han nodded as if that was what he'd been expecting to hear, although Kylo could sense him relaxing in a way he hadn't before.
"You know," Han said with a light, relieved laugh, "For a second back there I thought… well, you know, I thought you'd come to finish me off."
Finish what you started
The echo hissed through Kylo's mind again. He refused to allow it to aggravate him, ignored it as well as he could, though just the fact that it was there, again, was enough to send cold chills down his spine.
"Back, back then I di-" Kylo found his words came haltingly, they were hard to push out of his throat, "I did what I thought I must. I didn't… I had to…"
He turned to Han, "Attachment isn't right for a Force user, it has no benefits, only negatives, it… it detracts…"
"No, no, that's wrong," Han said sternly, matter-of-factly, as if it what he were saying was the most obvious thing in the galaxy. "That's a bad line of thinking."
"Attachments are what failed Grandfather," Kylo pressed on breathlessly, leaning towards Han, desperate to make his father understand, "They are what made him turn from the Light, and they are what failed him at the end, kept him from achieving the true glory of the Dark. Attachments have always been… been detriment-"
"That's wrong," Han interjected again, almost angrily this time. "That way of thinking is wrong."
"The Jedi teach-"
"The Jedi were wrong. Are wrong," Han cut in before Kylo could get started again. "That Snoke? He was wrong too -and yes, so was Luke."
"Wrong," Kylo asked shakily, unwilling to lose grasp of the few remaining tendrils of his training. He had the oddest sensation that without it, he'd disappear. "All… all of them?"
"You know it, Ben," Han said, "That was why the training didn't sit right with you, wasn't it? Don't you remember?"
Kylo pulled away a bit, confused and shaken. He shook his head, unwilling to accept it, unwilling to sift through years of memories to find what Han spoke of. Even so, he felt his father was right, that this was just one of the aspects young Ben had disliked about Jedi training. He couldn't bring himself to go back there, however, he couldn't revisit those days just yet.
"No," He said, reflexively more than anything, needing to put words to the feelings, "No, no…"
"It's all right, hey, it's okay," Han said, as gently as he'd ever been able to. He reached a hand out, catching himself just short of touching Kylo on the arm. He looked uncertain, then, pulled his arm back. "Listen, I know you don't want to go back to D'Qar…"
"No," Kylo turned to his father, eyes blazing. He knew - he knew - this would come up again. "No, we are going to Naboo."
"Ben," Han said slowly, "Just listen, kid, just give me a minute. Okay? I've got an idea."
"I don't like your ideas!" Kylo could feel the panicked beasts in his mind writhing, unraveling, reaching tendrils out. He shuddered. "They're stupid!"
"Listen, we'll go back, okay, and we'll tell them that you escaped to rescue me," Han started. Kylo was shaking his head in response, more and more panicked as his father continued to speak. "The prison isn't even ON D'Qar, right? So even if-"
"No!" Kylo snapped, feeling the panic rise at the back if his mind again. He jumped to his feet and spun to face his father angrily, feeling the rampant beasts let loose in his head. He was shaking, all of him was shaking. "I'm not- I TOLD YOU I won't go back!"
"Ben, listen to me," Han said, rising slowly.
"I told you I'm never - I'M NEVER - " Kylo cut off with a whimper. The darkness was edging across his vision. They'd take him back, they'd lock him up. Luke LUKE his UNCLE he would be… the manacles… Kylo struggled to control his breathing, struggled against the massive insistent need to fight, fight, fight. He couldn't lose control now, he didn't want to lose control now. "You don't understand I was in for life and I escaped - HUX escaped - the ship was stolen…"
"You escaped so you could find me-"
"That won't matter!" Kylo whimpered, wanting so desperately to rage and so desperately to maintain control. Why couldn't his father understand? Why couldn't he see? Kylo tugged at his hair, hard, focusing on the pain of it, anything to keep him from unraveling. He wouldn't go back to it, he would never go back to it.
"Listen kid, if there's one thing I've learned about politics it's that nothing matters more than the words you use and the spin you put on them," Han said, gruff and confident. Too confident. Kylo found himself wanting to believe him. Han approached him, slowly and cautiously, "You escaped because you had to, because no one would believe you if you told them. You got me out of slavery on an unknown planet in the darkest sector of the galaxy, and brought me back home. On top of that -" Han paused for emphasis, "On top of that, you're willing to work to change, to become a part of society again. Well, a positive part of society. We should probably add that..."
Kylo wasn't sure that was all that true, but he was beginning to see what his father meant. Hadn't Han wormed his way out of horrible predicaments before? And wasn't this the same? Kylo wasn't so sure of it, but he was tired of thinking ways out of his predicament. Tired of fighting the panic that gnawed on his throat.
"They won't believe it…" He said finally, unable to let go of that haunting fear. They'd lock him up, again. This time they might even execute him.
"Trust me," Han said, "Once your mother gets a hold of them, they won't have any other choice."
"She… she wouldn't," Kylo shook his head morosely, hands still in his hair. His heart beat rapid in his chest but he was able to breathe somewhat slower now. "She wouldn't do that for me."
"What are you talking about?" Han asked, genuinely surprised.
"She sent me away!" Kylo growled, old unhealed wounds as painful as the fresh. How could his father be so stupid? "She didn't… she didn't want me around then so why now?"
"That's not true," Han said, "That's not why she sent you to train on your own with Luke."
"Shut up," Kylo winced, Luke, his mind beginning to come dangerously close to revolving on that single memory, on that glistening metal box, prepared and waiting for him, empty chambers beckoning him towards his destruction, and the unseen hands on his back, on his arms, holding him, making sure he couldn't escape…
"You don't know anything!" Kylo shrieked, spinning away from his father and punching a hand at a nearby wall. The sound was deafening, resounding around the small chamber. The whole sheet of metal was dented inward to an astonishing degree, Kylo's hand untouched thanks to the cone of Force that had surrounded it.
Leaving his father behind, he stalked to the bridge and collapsed in one of the seats. He curled up on himself, pulling his knees to his chest and huddling against the backrest. The position was awkward and painful but he could not care less. He was struggling against that panic again, against the thoughts that threatened to overwhelm him. He wanted to get out - the wild idea that he should jump from the airlock in hyperspace suddenly appealed to him greatly. Biting his lip to keep from whimpering, he focused his gaze on the control panel, started to name each button, each key, each lever. The systematic naming of the familiar helped him get his mind off of those dangerous thoughts, helped him find some level ground to cling to even as his body shook with the backwash of panic and anger. He added controlled breathing once he'd calmed enough to manage it; breathe in, hold to three, breathe out.
Going in back had been a mistake. He wouldn't make it again, he promised himself. He wouldn't allow the lure of the familiar, the lure of attachment, to distract him again.
Exactly what it was distracting him from, he wasn't quite certain. But attachment had never done any good for him, had it?
Kylo woke with a start, nearly tilting out of the seat. The view outside the windows was dark, dotted with stars. They were out of hyperspace. He blinked the sleep out of his eyes, stretching cramped muscles as he took in the view. There, in the distance but large enough to see clearly, was a gray-green planet, an asteroid belt ringing it like a tilted halo.
Panic. Kylo shot to his feet as he recognized planet, nearly fell as his muscles tried to revolt, and started to tap away at the ship's controls. They were locked. They were locked! How? How did he not notice? Why had he fallen asleep? How did his father manage it?! He growled, slamming a fist against the unresponsive controls, the cacophony of beeps sounding loudly discordant in the silence of the bridge.
"Ben," His father's voice ventured from behind him. Kylo spun, eyes locking ferociously on the other man. His breathing was ragged, the beasts in his mind promised blood this time, he'd rip this ship apart if he had to, he wouldn't go back.
"Why?!" He growled. His father held his gaze, neither coming closer nor shying away from his fury, merely standing and waiting, and that in itself seemed more imposing than anything Kylo could imagine himself doing. "Who did - who did you notify?"
"No one. No one knows we're here." Han said slowly, hands raising up and out in a calming gesture.
"Why did you… why…" Kylo leaned back against the console, fighting to keep from losing himself over to the blind panic.
"You didn't save me just for me," Han said, this time taking a step closer. When Kylo didn't react, he took another, then another. "Ben, it's time to come home."
"No," Kylo felt it like a dagger to his heart, the words he spoke, that emotion. It pained him as much as it did the last time his father had mentioned it, but he found himself accepting it gladly this time, the pain and the bleeding heart. He resented the idea that he could long for something like 'home' but he was too tired, too worn out and too beaten down to fight the reality of it any more. It had always been there, deep inside, waiting for a moment when he couldn't keep it buried anymore.
"They won't have me," Kylo whimpered, unwilling to hope.
Han reached a hand out gently and brushed a tear Kylo hadn't realized he'd shed from his cheek.
"If they even hint about locking you up again, I'll bust you out personally," Han said. His words rang with a truth Kylo hadn't heard in years. "So what do you say, kid? Think you can give it another try?"
Kylo saw the imploring look in Han's eyes, a promise there of something better than the past years, and he allowed himself to believe it.
"This is idiotic," Kylo muttered as he followed his father. Han rolled his eyes and gave him a long-suffering look.
"Just stay quiet, do your thing," Han tapped his temple for emphasis, "And let me know if any of them start thinking anything suspicious."
Kylo nodded, still incredibly irked by his father's plan, and maybe moreso by the fact that it was actually working.
Han had thought it up, convinced Kylo that with his Force powers getting into the Resistance compound would be a piece of cake. Kylo hadn't been entirely certain of it. There was a chance that Luke or Rey were at the base, and even if he used only a bit of the Force, wouldn't they notice? That didn't sit well with him, the thought that he was giving himself away prematurely. What if they'd try to find him? He'd considered reaching out to find them himself, to give himself at least that edge on the situation - but Luke would know. He would feel the touch and he would know. Kylo preferred risking them feeling his light manipulations and searching him out over having Luke reach back.
So he went in blindly, following his father's plan to silently keep them out of the minds and notice of the people around them. It was easy and it wasn't; rather, it was tedious, the constant tapping on other's minds, steering them carefully away from looking too long at Kylo and Han, from remembering them. The focus should have kept his mind from wandering, but he found himself helplessly gravitating towards the thought of his mother, seeing her again, speaking to her again. The thought made his stomach twist and his mouth go dry.
Nothing should ever be decided when emotions ran high. Nothing.
He followed after Han, however, a few steps behind him as they approached the guard shack at the compound's gate. Han walked up with confidence, and the two guards eyed him curiously. Kylo reached out, tapped on their minds and tweaked just enough so that they'd remember speaking to someone, but not to who or about what.
"We're here to pick up the shipment to Coruscant." Han said, grinning easily.
"What… what shipment?" The first guard said, giving Han a suspicious look. Kylo pried into her mind a bit more, gently - and it wasn't easy - reminding her of a shipment. She blinked slowly, looked down at the communications pad she held. "Oh yes, of course."
"There's a shipment?" The second guard asked, puzzled. Kylo frowned, stepping up but keeping himself behind his father as much as he could.
"Yes, I forgot to mention it," The first guard said apologetically. Kylo touched on the second one then, and the man nodded in acceptance.
"All right then, head on in," The guard tapped at the controls, and the gates rolled open.
"Oh, and we were asked to check in with the General, do you know where we'd find her?" Han asked.
"At this time? She's probably in her office." Guard number two responded.
"Great, thanks!" Han grinned, and with Kylo trailing headed in through the gate.
"See, easy," Han said happily under his breath to Kylo once they were inside and the gate closed behind him.
"Right," Kylo said, but he couldn't share his father's excitement. The sound of the gate closing, a low metallic thud, had sent a sudden shock through him. He was locked in, now. Trapped. His skin prickled at the thought, and he forced himself to breathe, to settle down. He'd done good, so far.
The compound was large, with many buildings and walkways between them, but Han seemed to know where he was going. Kylo followed behind, keeping the minds of others turned away as they went. There wasn't much suspicion that he could find, even when the Resistance personnel saw them for a moment. They seemed vigilant yet relaxed, quite different from what Kylo had been used to on the Finalizer. The Stormtroopers were hyperaware and rigid, bound by strict regulations and rarely allowed free of them. Kylo assumed there had to be areas where the personnel on the Finalizer had relaxed and engaged in casual pursuits, but he'd never invited himself to them. Still, the surface differences between the Resistance personnel and the Finalizer crew were vast, and he felt like he'd entered an alien world. It was much too civilian for him. He would fault the Resistance and their lack of proper training, but each mind he touched had protocol in it, a well trained regimen. They were soldiers, there could be no doubt, and yet they were also something other than soldiers. The dichotomy was unsettling.
Han led the way inside a building, and upon following him Kylo felt a sudden and familiar tickle at the back of his mind. With it came a sudden rush of memory; grav-cars humming outside the windows of a hotel, the bitter taste of coffee stolen from his mother's half-full cup, the cold and sharp smell of space contrasting with the warmth of her hug. He came to a full stop just inside the doors, forcing the memories away and struggling to regain his control once again. He'd known he'd have to face his mother, but the actuality of it hadn't descended until that moment. Hesitantly, he continued following his father into the depths of the building.
Han stopped finally before a nondescript door in a hallway full of other nondescript doors. A small metal tag on the door stated simply "General". Kylo could feel his mother beyond it, her presence almost too real for him to bear. Regret boiled up within him, nearly choking him; he should never have come back. He shouldn't have listened to his father. When had listening to his father ever done him any good?
Many times, possibly, but he couldn't think of any right then. All he could see was the glaring reality before him, and it was blinding.
Han opened the door without knocking, and stepped inside. The atmosphere changed in seconds, buzzing Kylo's mind and deafening his ears. He could hear their voices, the surprise and the shock and the joy bursting round much too loudly. His parents were always loud, he remembered then; even in their silences the potential was almost too much.
Slowly he crept up to the doorway, feeling invasive and out of place.
"I don't understand how this is possible." His mother, the esteemed General Leia Organa, stood near her desk and holding Han's arms as she gazed at him in disbelief. She had not changed much since his sentencing, not that he could tell. There might have been more gray in her hair, but even standing still she was graceful… and intimidating. Always intimidating. Kylo felt his pulse quicken, his heart flutter fitfully. She was as she'd always been, wasn't she? And wasn't his father as well, still the same as he grinned widely at her, obviously pleased with the reaction his sudden appearance had gotten. Hadn't this scene played out in his childhood many times, maybe not so potent in meaning but so similar in feeling and in action.
"Trust me, if I understood, you'd be the first person I'd tell," Han said gently; he'd never been one to get too overwhelmed to speak but he seemed almost to that point then.
"But Han, how… how, all of this, just how?" Leia asked. Han took a deep breath then, patted her shoulders.
"Well, you see, I had help," Han looked towards the doorway. Towards him - it was his turn now, wasn't it? Han looked at him imploringly, Kylo could practically hear his father in his head, trust me.
"What do you mean?" His mother asked, turning towards the door herself. Kylo suffered in silence as she saw him, as surprise widened her eyes, as recognition stole her breath. For a long moment there was nothing but that silence, heavy and deafening. He almost turned, almost left, but her eyes held him with their gaze, full of so much emotion; regret, and joy, and love perhaps.
"Ben," She breathed his name, as if saying it any louder would make him disappear. Maybe it would, his mind was already scrabbling for it, reminding him of exits, planning his escape. Yet, he couldn't move, frozen to the spot by his mother's eyes. She took a step towards him, and he almost flinched away, even though they were separated by several feet - almost. Maybe he did. She stopped herself, then spoke again, as gently as before, "Ben, come in here. Please."
"I can't stay," He blurted out before he could stop himself, even as he stepped inside the room, closing the door behind him. "They're looking for me, I know it."
"Of course they are," His mother said, stepping closer to him, "Chief Ianto contacted me after you'd escaped, asking that we notify them if we learn anything of your whereabouts."
He wasn't surprised by it, but knowing that they had made his already heightened nerves even worse. He shot an accusing look at his father, but Han didn't flinch.
"That's not going to happen, not yet at least," Leia said, and Kylo looked back to her. She had a severe look in her eyes, her jaw set, and though it made him anxious it was a strange sort of anxious, not fearful but expectant. But what could there be to expect? Kylo had bought into his father's daydream but the reality was never that simple. There was no way the delicate politics of the current alliance would allow for anything other than his return to Scipio, and the prison.
"My quarters," She said with certainty, and looked at Han. "They are located where the old barracks stood, do you remember?"
"How could I forget?" Han said with a sour look on his face.
"There are guest bedrooms along the main hall, and no one goes into the building without my permission," Leia turned to look at him then, "You can stay there for now, until we… sort things out."
"The New Republic," Kylo ventured, still unable to believe that she was willing to shelter him. "The council won't like this…"
"There are many things they don't like," Leia said with a wry grin that was all too familiar and painful. Her expression changed suddenly, and she eyed the both of them curiously, "Wait. How… did you two get in here? And without anyone noticing?"
"The Force?" Han replied with a shrug and glanced at Kylo. Leia looked at him as well, concerned.
"Have you been using the Force?" She asked quietly, almost secretively.
"A little," Kylo admitted, and it wasn't a lie. It was a little, recently at least. He saw his mother's eyes glance to his arms, then back to his face.
"That's right, they mentioned…" Her voice trailed away, and she lay a hand on his arm. Kylo surprised himself by not pulling away from her touch; her reaction, her decision, it all caught him off guard, in truth, and he wasn't quite sure how to process it. "If you made it this far, you can make it a bit further. Go, and get some rest."
"And you?" Han asked, stepping up next to them. It almost felt claustrophobic, Kylo couldn't help but feel as if his parents were nothing more than another set of walls closing around him. Somehow, they didn't seem quite as frightening as the others he'd been trapped within.
"It's the middle of the day, and I have things to finish managing, if I want to keep up appearances." Leia said. She patted Han's arm, and turned to Kylo, "If you're willing, I'd like to talk later. Just the two of us."
Kylo nodded almost reflexively, because he couldn't trust his voice. He couldn't trust anything at the moment, his brain screaming at him that this was all a trap, a ruse, to get him in the hands of the New Republic again. Part of him believed it so deeply, but another part also believed in what his father had said, in the silent promise in his mother's eyes. Rectifying the two was impossible, his mind reeled at the mere hint of it. What could he do, what should he do, it made no sense...
He'd stay for now, at the very least - he needed to rest, to regain his strength, to rid his head of the ordeals of prison. That was a good reason to stay, Kylo decided. It had to be a good reason to stay - despite how badly he wanted to flee the potential future there, he could deny no longer that he was in no shape to do so by himself. He'd stay, and when ready he would leave, well before the New Republic could get their hands on him again.
"Let's go," Han said. Leia let go of them, and Kylo could feel her eyes on his back as they headed out.