FOR THE CRITICS IN THE BACK OF THE ROOM: THIS IS THE DIARY OF DANNY JONES

CHAPTER 4

Today I am supposed to be heading to the shit hole that they call the mall. Or for you gangsters out there, "da mall." Wither way, I would rather drink sperm from a blue whale then have to go through this horrifying event again. Maybe I will be able to score a few phone numbers at the mall.

Boy I was I fuckin' wrong! The traffic was alone to kill me. No, I wasn't driving. Tom wouldn't let me drive because I am a "threat to humanity" when I am behind the wheel. What the fuck ever! Sometimes if I am good he will let me take his car out on the back roads. That's always a lot fun! I always aim for the squirrels and chipmunks running along the side of the road.

The parking lot was like the 5th ring on hell! Children were running everywhere and parents were yelling and screaming. What pissed me off about this whole thing was, Tom would not try to hit one child. What the fuck kind of driving is this? He was driving like Harry! Speaking of that dick-licking asshole, he's staying in my room this weekend because we are repainting his bedroom. You know that that means? I only have a little bit of time to find pants that will protect me from being anally raped.

While Tom is looking for a parking space, I'll go over my list to see what I have left to pick up. Hmmm. Harry is all set; Dougie and I jerked it all night long last night, to fill a gallon sized bucket of hair gel. Tom is all set as well. I found a comb in the urinal of a porter potty down town at a construction site. Who do I have left on my list? Dougie and myself.

Before I know it, Tom is chewing on my ear about what store we are going into first. "We? Who the fuck are you bringing with you? I have my own fuckin' agenda!" Tom looks over at me. "Does this include the lady who works at the pizza place in the food court?" How does he know about her? Who the fuck has he been talking to? Huh. "I dunno. It depends if I can get all my shopping done. Maybe I will have time to get to her." Tom looks confused. "Time to get to her? I thought that you were dating her." Where the fuck did he get this information??! I decide to stick him with more info than he would have ever thought possible.

"Oh, I am. But I am also dating Kelsey, Lidsay, Hona, Saki, Kisa and Olivia. Tom looks amazed and he is silent for a moment. During this time I celebrate a personal victory. He didn't expect this kind of honesty from me. "Wow! How do you keep all of their names straight?" He took the bait. "Well, check this shit out. I have a photo album here of all the girls that I am currently dating. All of their information, likes, dislikes and photos are in it. This way I can date as many girls as I want to at the same time without ever making any errors."

"Damn. You really know your stuff. If only you were this organized for school. Ya know if you did this, back when we were in school you would have gotten much better grades and the teachers would have liked you a lot more. And maybe they would have stopped shooting darts at your pictures in the lounge." Tom smirks at me. "They shot darts at my school pictures?!" I'm pissed now and a little pleased. "Yeah. You and Dougie both; You two were really popular in there. Harry and I were on the shooting stars board." Lord save me. At least Dougie and I were not on the same board as those two cock-holes. That would be worse than having my nuts fed to a bulldog when they are still attached to me. Whoa! How could I have ever let a thought like that creep into my head?

Before Tom can say anymore stupid shit to me, I dash away leaving him to talk to himself in front of the dollar store. What a stupid asshole! First stop on my list is the salon for Dougie. This should not take any time at all. Get in and get out; just like last night's game plan. I will save going to get my gift for last, because I know that I will get distracted while I am inside of that sec store. Now what is the name of that fuckin' store that this guy online told me about? Oh yeah! The Horny Englishman. Nice name for a place if you ask me.

Into the salon I go! HOLY SHIT! Every woman in this place is slutty and hot. I guess I should have saved this place for last. What the fuck was I here for? Oh yeah. A gift certificate. I walk up to the girl at the desk. Her tits are staring me straight in the face; they are calling out to me!

"Well, good morning perky tits!" The girl looks up. "What the hell did you just say to me?" "Nothing. Just thinking to myself here. Um, I was looking to purchase some tits-gift certificate! How much would one of them cost?" She sighs and looks in a binder of information. "Well, that could depend on the package that you want to purchase for your girlfriend." Alright, she thinks that I am taken. Time to put the moves on her. "Oh, it's not for my girlfriend. It's for a guy friend of mine. I am single at this time." "That's great. How much would you like to put down?" I think for a moment. I have to show her that I am a big spender. "Give me the 100 pound one. That should be good enough for that fuckin' prick. You wanna go out sometimes?"

She looks up from the slip she is filling out, her tits winking me in the face again. GODDAMN! I watch the sweat drip down into her cleavage. So tempting! I think I might explode. "Um, no thank you. But, I think that my mum is interested." She points to the older woman behind her, who is putting her teeth in.

"What the fuck?! On second thought, I think I'd better be going. I have a lot of shit to do today, so ladies." I grab the gift certificate and get the fuck out of there. If I ever have to see that again, I hope my eyeballs get ripped out. That was more horrifying than watching Tom get a facial and a pedicure.

-The horny non-desperate virgin, Danny Jones