Disclaimer: I do not own Code Geass nor do I claim that I do. This was written solely for my own entertainment, and serves no other purpose.
Summary: This is what Suzaku wakes up to: a white ceiling, a dead princess, and no memories whatsoever. At rock bottom, he's trying to piece his life back together. And then there is this Lelouch guy who claims to be his boyfriend.
Warning(s) for this chapter: strong language
Notes:
1. A big thank you to everyone who reviewed this story, or otherwise let me know that they liked what they read! And a huge thank you to my beta, Muckraker! I don't know where this story would be without her.
2. I'm sorry that I'm so horrible at updating. I'm also sorry that I barely replied to anyone who wrote me a review. I had a hard time with life until just a month ago.
3. This is still what I consider "exposition land". It's a big land, but we're slowly getting the ball rolling out of them hills and meadows.
4. I'm now very sure this story will exceed 100k words at one sky is the only limit. (Considering that this is practically my first fanfic, that's kind of a scary thought.)
Blank Slate
Chapter 4 (March, 25th 2012)
It looks cozy, of all things. There's a little sitting niche in the corner, comfy-looking upholstery, gold and purple everywhere. Cozy. It's such a homey and almost domestic setting that Suzaku hovers in the entrance for a few seconds. It clashes not only with the view from outside, but it underlines just how wrong Suzaku's mental image of the Black Knights is. The word "terrorist" alone seemed to have set him up for different expectations, something a lot more twisted and rooted in Britannian prejudices than this group of people probably deserves. Then again, they do kill and cause terror, which is something Suzaku cannot—
He chose all of this. He needs to remind himself of that.
After he's done inspecting the interior, he turns to face everyone. That too is surprising, as there are barely any people here. Gone are his expectations of facing an army of faceless warriors or… something that would befit the most dangerous terrorist in the world, instead of something that could fit in a classroom.
Suzaku almost wants to ask Lelouch if that is all there is to it, but he's nervous and he already has an audience. No one says anything. Even worse, no one seems to be thrilled to see him, just like the woman he encountered a moment ago. But unlike the woman from outside, everyone in this room wears a mask. Suzaku can only see the lower halves of their faces, with their mouths forming a little row of upside-down u's.
There's only one person who isn't masked, and he stands out even more because his face is somewhat friendly. Suzaku's eyes keep returning to him, if only because it's someone he can actually look in the eye.
It's a tense silence. He all but feels that he's standing in the limelight and everyone can tell that he's forgotten his lines. Suzaku wishes it would make them wonder why they would shine a light on him in the first place, but he also knows that watching a train wreck in the making has an appeal all on its own. And for all intents and purposes, he's kind of the guest of honor.
So he stands ramrod-straight before them, arms at his side, and before he can overthink it too much, bows low and recites a polite Japanese greeting. He says the words clearly and slowly, trying not to stumble over the kenjougo in his nervousness. When he eases out of his bow, any last expectations of a warm welcome leave him.
No one greets him back. They still stand in their little row, indecisive, watching him. The whole room is oppressive and uncomfortable, and as apprehensive he was about this, facing opposition in the Black Knights was one thing that really blindsided him.
It could have been straight out of a nightmare, really. He has been standing in this room for barely a minute, but he can already feel that he doesn't belong here. With the way everyone is looking at him, he doesn't even feel like an outsider— he feels like the enemy. It's distrust or something similar. Suzaku is afraid to pinpoint it exactly or call it something even more worrying, but it's undeniably here and casting a shadow over him.
Finally, Zero moves with confident steps to stand directly between the Black Knights and Suzaku—acting almost like a shield or a buffer— altogether giving off the impression that he owns this place. He does, Suzaku reminds himself, and that frees him of some of the tension he feels.
Zero makes a series of gestures with his hands, at last motioning towards Suzaku as if presenting him with a grand overture and a voilà thrown somewhere in there. Suzaku has little appreciation for theatrics, but if it serves to distract the Black Knights from him, then he's all for it.
Zero starts to speak. His voice is strong and loud, his Japanese impeccable, his gestures melodramatic but also enticing. Suzaku would have appreciated the whole spectacle more if it hadn't been for his rapidly beating heart and the unwelcoming gazes of the Black Knights. He barely pays attention, and just hopes that this will go over without a hitch.
It's a good speech from what Suzaku can make out. The message itself is something bland and generic, beating Britannia, getting our country back, et cetera, but many speeches aren't powerful for their content— it's how they're delivered. Zero is an expert in that regard, and Suzaku has no problem seeing how he could sway a large part of this nation with that alone.
When his strings of words finally end, it's the same as before. If Lelouch hoped that they would warm up to Suzaku after a few choice words of praise and a promise to finally defeat Britannia, then he was mistaken. He doesn't even get a round of perfunctory applause. Zero turns around then to look in his direction. Suzaku isn't sure he can accurately read his body language already to tell if he's unsettled too, but in this case it doesn't take much to make that claim.
"Are you ready to fight at our side once again?" Zero asks him, making a grand gesture in Suzaku's direction, as though brandishing him.
"I am," he says surely and without hesitation, well-aware of his audience.
But there is still no change, even after blowing all of that hot air.
This was a mistake, Suzaku thinks before he can stop himself.
Getting more and more unsettled, his eyes keep flickering from Zero to the one unmasked man and then back to the unanimously displeased-looking black mass. This is starting to become a farce, and Suzaku wants nothing more than for something or someone to break the tension.
For once, his life doesn't actually become worse. "Welcome back," someone finally says, and it seems to have broken the tension as it's repeated a few times. It's not much, and it's far less than he expected, but after all this, Suzaku will gladly accept every olive branch he can get. "Thank you," he says, still speaking in respectful Japanese, and trying not to let his relief show too much.
Zero breathes a quiet, tinny-sounding sigh. "Good, that will be all."
A little murmur goes through the Black Knights, but they don't move to follow that order, probably just as surprised as Suzaku that that's all there is to this caricature of a reunion.
Zero's hand twitches. "Dismissed," booms through the room, and that seems to break the spell as everyone moves to filter out of the transporter. Suzaku is unsure whether that was directed at him as well, but Zero gives him a clear signal by blocking his path with an outstretched arm. "We still have things to discuss."
One of the Black Knights approaches them. "Zero, a word with you. In private."
Zero makes an annoyed sound under his mask, and motions for Suzaku to take a seat. "Wait here for a bit. It won't take too long," he says, directing the last sentence to the other man.
Suzaku watches him walk off with unease. He decides against sitting down for now. Nervous energy makes him too jittery, so he just idly looks around the room a bit more, and watches the rest of the Black Knights exit. The one unmasked guy lingers behind, and after a few more seconds it becomes clear that he is waiting for everyone else to leave so he can talk to Suzaku alone.
Considering how everyone reacted to him so far, Suzaku isn't all that thrilled to talk to anyone here. Besides, Suzaku really wants to cup his own face and groan really loudly, because this whole meeting was a borderline train wreck, but he'd rather not do it where someone could watch him.
Once the last person has left, the man approaches Suzaku, appraising him overtly. "You look much different without your uniform."
Suzaku fingers the collar of his jacket and suffers a short, but hopelessly confused moment of thinking which one? before he catches himself. "I guess," he eventually answers. Suzaku really doesn't want to come off as cross, but the man is kind of making him uncomfortable with the way he's staring at him.
"Did you know that that would happen?"
The man's face hasn't changed, but now there's a predatory quality to it that Suzaku didn't notice before. He's painfully reminded of how Lelouch looked when he asked all those questions on their first meeting. It's the exact same expression. "What do you mean?" Suzaku asks warily.
"I wonder," the man says languidly, walking around Suzaku to eyeball him from all sides. Whether he does it on purpose or not, he's doing a very good job of intimidating Suzaku. "Did the knight know what his princess would do?"
And all of Suzaku's goodwill evaporates.
Not again.
"I had no idea what she would do."
If possible, the man's interest actually seems to intensify. "But don't you suffer from amnesia? Do you actually know that? Maybe you did know."
Suzaku bites his lip in frustration. "I could not possibly have known. I would definitely have done something if I had known."
"Were there signs of her madness? There must have been something," he continues, completely ignoring the futility of asking Suzaku such a question.
Suzaku barely keeps himself from scowling. Stone-faced, he stands his ground. "I said I don't know."
At that the man nods to himself with a self-satisfied smirk. "That's awfully convenient, this whole amnesia thing. You can just say that over and over again and hide behind that ignorance."
Suzaku is starting to get genuinely angry, but in that moment Zero reappears at his side. "Enough. He doesn't know anything."
The man rubs his hands, and turns to Zero. Smarmy guy, Suzaku thinks, and wonders how he could have ever thought that that was a friendly face.
"Ah, but Zero, I'm only echoing what everyone else thinks. Rumors run rampant at the moment." He looks back at Suzaku. "You're lucky that capturing a big part of the Black Knights has been the newest rage, and that the Massacre Princess isn't on the forefront of everyone's mind at the moment. Otherwise you might very well be in the crossfire. And I assure you, Britannia loves looking for a scapegoat, especially one who has such a flimsy alibi as amnesia."
Suzaku's mouth falls open only to shut again when nothing comes out. Don't, he thinks feebly, not really knowing whom he is addressing.
Mercifully, Zero once again answers for him. "Ried, that is quite enough."
The man called Ried ignores him. "The general public has always been suspicious of you. One side already thinks that you're a traitor. It won't take much for the other side to believe the same thing. And let me tell you, that side matters much, much more."
"I thought I gave you an order," Zero barks, and points at the door.
Ried oh so slowly turns to look at him with that ubiquitous smirk not diminishing in the slightest. "Of course, Zero." And with these words he finally slinks off.
Silence again.
Suzaku looks down, lost and confused. What did I do?
He's stuck in a limbo of needing answers and not wanting to know, unable to look at Zero. The silence stretches on until Zero makes an abrupt gesture for Suzaku to take a seat. "Wait for a minute," he says in a low tone, and then goes after Ried.
The door falls shut, but Suzaku barely hears it. He's thinking and rubbing his arm and looking around without taking anything in.
I don't belong anywhere.
"Did I do something wrong?" Suzaku asks when Lelouch reemerges.
"Don't worry about it," he answers, still tense.
Suzaku's heart sinks when he realizes that that isn't a "no" at all. He's also painfully reminded of the fact that Lelouch didn't trust him at the time in the hospital either. Back then Lelouch said that they had an argument. Does that tie into this? "Was there something I did that everyone would doubt my loyalty?"
"I said, don't worry about it," Lelouch snaps back.
He's trying to dodge my question. "If you're trying to spare my feelings—"
Lelouch makes an impatient swipe with his hand. "Look, we're all on edge at the moment." He starts to pace.
"That doesn't explain why—"
Lelouch makes an angry sound, but he answers. "I didn't make the best of decisions when I learned that Nunnally has been kidnapped. I didn't think rationally. They have questioned my leadership since then."
"That's understandable."
Suzaku lets him pace around to work off the agitation. He can sympathize; he has half a mind to join Lelouch just to get rid of his adrenaline, but he already feels like an idiot without doing that. Still, Lelouch has yet to answer his question.
"But that doesn't explain why they were so wary of me. What you did had nothing to do with me, right?"
Lelouch takes his sweet time in answering, still pacing. When he does, he's much calmer, for which Suzaku is grateful. "We both made very bad decisions in retrospect. Euphemia's death changed a lot of things."
Lelouch finally stops his pacing to sit down in the little niche. Suzaku wonders if he should do that as well, but he still feels a bit too jittery to sit down, so he just stands there awkwardly, and shifts his weight from one foot to the other.
Lelouch leans against the teal-colored backseat, mask pointing upwards. "In your case, there was always some amount of doubt involved when it came to your alliance. It's the inherent dilemma all spies share: at one point you always wonder if they're a double agent. We didn't plan on you becoming a knight, and when that opportunity presented itself, many thought that's what you'd rather be." The mask turns around to look straight at him. "You fit right into the role of being her knight."
Suzaku stares back, and for the life of him, he has no idea if Lelouch just gave him a compliment or if there was reproach in there after all. The mask certainly gives nothing away. And if there is a "you don't really belong here" between the lines after all, then Suzaku won't even disagree with it.
Lelouch continues, "Now many think you would prefer to be Britannia's lapdog over fighting for your rights. We both know better, but that doesn't do anything for your credibility. Your amnesia isn't helping either, as many think it's your alibi to get out." He shakes his head. "But don't let that get to you. You'll prove yourself to them soon enough. Once you remind them that you're one of us, they'll trust you again."
"Okay." Suzaku is not quite happy with that answer, but that's not Lelouch's fault. It's sobering and unpleasant that he has to face opposition here, too. Not only does Suzaku keep finding unexpected things in his life, the farther he digs, the worse it seems to get. "You could've warned me, though."
"I thought they would be more accommodating. My mistake."
Suzaku hums in response. If this really is just a matter of needing to prove himself, then he is determined not to disappoint. In a strange way that has nothing to do with being a terrorist but with being part of a group, he's determined to show them that he's one of them.
There's a lull in the conversation, and Suzaku realizes that they have those quite often, even though it's really not for a lack of topics to talk about. Suzaku decides to ask the first thing that comes to mind. "Say, what was that with a part of the Black Knights being captured?"
Lelouch gives a loud sigh. "How did you miss that? Did you watch the news at all in the last few days?"
Suzaku scratches his head in embarrassment. Considering that he did almost nothing else for a day or so, it's kind of inexplicable that it just slipped past him. "I did. I… well, there was a lot on my mind."
Lelouch chuckles lightly. "You're hopeless," he says, exasperated but not unkind. "A big part of the Black Knights has been captured. Among them are people I can't do without. Not only that, but I can't abandon them like that. I plan to rescue them soon."
He leans forward with his elbows resting on the table and his hands cupping on his chin. "A lot of things are happening right now. The Massacre Princess left her mark, Governor Cornelia li Britannia is missing, I lost a lot of my men, and to the world it very much looks like Zero is retreating to lick his wounds." He makes a short pause to sigh deeply. "A lot of things happened that I could have never foreseen. Nunnally getting kidnapped, you losing your memories…"
Suzaku starts fiddling with his sleeve. "I hope me losing my memories didn't throw that much of a wrench into your plans?"
"Hm, I wonder. It certainly has changed a few things," Lelouch only says.
Suzaku is glad that Lelouch doesn't blame him for it at least. "Do you have any idea how to get Nunnally back? I assume they didn't ask for a ransom."
Lelouch shakes his head, managing to look as weak and sad as he did earlier today before Suzaku made his decision. "We don't know where they are holding her. I can't plan anything as long as I have no idea where she is being held."
He shakes his head once more, making himself even smaller. "I'm not sure what to do at the moment. If I make a move to save the Black Knights first, they might harm Nunnally. I cannot risk that. Which means I'll have to rescue her first." The mask inclines his way. "Can you understand that?"
"Of course."
Lelouch nods, satisfied. Suzaku has no idea how Lelouch could have expected anything different from him, but maybe Lelouch just wanted some affirmation. The rest of the Black Knights might not see it that way, seeing as it's their comrades' lives against the life of one girl. Lelouch is both in the position of being their leader and being a worried brother.
He continues, "I'm pretty sure they will schedule a public execution once we attempt to rescue her, and I'll have to move quickly after that. It will be difficult, but I can't see any other way."
He pauses, and then looks at a few documents lying on the table. He begins to shuffle them around, and after a few seconds it becomes apparent that he's doing it aimlessly. Suzaku stays silent. At this point he can only make superfluous placations, and he's sure that Lelouch wouldn't appreciate that.
This goes on for a few moments before Lelouch speaks again. "I know he's toying with me. And he knows who I am. He doesn't think I'm a big enough threat and that will be his downfall. I will prove him wrong, once and for all."
Did I miss something? "He?"
Lelouch shakes his head, shrugging. "I assume the kidnapper is a he. But regardless, whoever kidnapped her knew they took Zero's sister. She's safe for now only by virtue of being a bargaining chip. As such she'll be much more valuable alive than dead."
Suzaku stares at him for a few seconds. "That's… morbid."
"It's my only source of comfort."
Suzaku swallows hard. He can't imagine that he would be so calm and rational if he ever lost a family member. He has no one like that to speak of anymore, but he likes to think that he can still empathize.
"While I don't know who exactly kidnapped Nunnally, I have a hunch that we need to be ready to face something big. The royal family might even be involved. Could you handle that? Openly going against Britannia if it comes down to that?"
Suzaku doesn't need to think twice about that. "There is nothing justified about kidnapping."
Lelouch gives a laugh that comes out metallic and distorted. "Your sense of justice is very opportunistic."
That's not true, Suzaku thinks resolutely, but Lelouch continues before he can voice his protests. "I'm glad you see it that way. Nunnally has nothing to do with Zero and has no idea that it's me." He pulls out a laptop from under the table, and boots it up. "I'm very glad you're helping me through this."
"Of course," Suzaku says. "I would have helped you with getting Nunnally back no matter what."
Lelouch slowly turns towards him. "This decision was difficult for you," he states quietly.
"Yes," Suzaku retorts readily. He doesn't even see the need to mention that. After all, Lelouch saw his hesitation from up close, literally held his hand through it in fact. But since they are talking about it, Suzaku thinks he deserves to ask him the same question. "Was it difficult for you?"
"No."
Suzaku can't help but snort in amusement. Thought so. It dovetails nicely with everything he has seen of Lelouch so far: from his unwavering intent in the hospital to the far away image of the masked man who chose to take a stand when no one else would. Suzaku supposes it's not too difficult to stand behind someone like this.
Lelouch begins to click away on his laptop, and then clears his throat. "When do you think you will be able to pilot a Knightmare again? I need to know that."
Suzaku completely forgot about telling Lelouch that. "Ah, actually they'll make me go through a simulation first. They want to test how much I forgot about piloting a Knightmare before they let me into the Lancelot again."
"That's sensible," he says without looking up.
"The test run is actually later today, come to think of it. But I still have a bit of time until then."
"And you think that will go without a hitch?"
Suzaku finally decides to sit down next to him. He isn't nosy enough to lean over and try to read what Lelouch is writing, but the temptation to do so is still strong. "I hope so. The doctors said that only my memories are gone. Abilities and such should still be as they were before. I'm probably rusty, but I'm not all that worried about it." There are a lot of things that I'm much more worried about than that.
Lelouch stops typing, and finally turns around. It's one of these silent few seconds in which Lelouch waits a bit to announce something important. Suzaku is starting to dread these. "Are you ready for your first mission?"
There is a little moment of surprise before he realizes what Lelouch meant. "Oh, you mean making sure that I get back to piloting the Lancelot as soon as possible? Gotcha."
He slowly shakes his head. "No, no. On the contrary, actually. I want you to have problems with it."
Stunned, Suzaku looks at him in confusion. "What?"
"I don't want you to pilot the Lancelot yet. I want you to have problems with the simulation. If you don't have any problems, pretend that you do."
"Why?" he asks, and tries not to let his incredulity show.
"Don't you see? With the Lancelot out of commission for the time being, I'll have fewer things to worry about. Rescuing either the Black Knights or Nunnally will be much easier that way. Your amnesia is one of the best excuses we could possibly get."
Suzaku stares hard at the mask. "You'd rather have me out of your hair."
"I want the Lancelot out of my hair for now. This has nothing to do with you. What would we do if we tried to rescue Nunnally and you had to come fight against us in the Lancelot? We wouldn't be able to do anything without hurting your credibility as a spy or risk getting captured. If you can't pilot the Lancelot yet, you can safely fight on our side without needing to worry about anything else."
Suzaku tries to think of a way to convince Lelouch otherwise, but he can't come up with anything. He slumps in his chair and wills himself not to sulk.
"You'll have a lot of opportunities to shine soon enough," Lelouch says unhelpfully.
"I just thought…" He had been really looking forward to that since he found out that he piloted Knightmares. Yet another thing to be disappointed about.
"Look at it this way: you might not be able to pilot the Lancelot soon, but you can pilot one of ours."
"I guess."
"Just make sure they don't think you're fit to pilot a Knightmare yet. Maybe you don't even have to pretend you have trouble."
Suzaku sighs, but mutters an "understood" anyway. Lelouch's nod of approval only lifts his mood slightly. It would have been a better reward if he could actually see Lelouch's face while he does it. Him wearing the mask has bothered Suzaku for a while now.
"Could you take off your mask?"
Thankfully, Lelouch does so readily. "You don't like it?" He holds it out to Suzaku. "I designed it myself. The whole costume, actually."
Suzaku only takes the mask from him because he doesn't want to be contrary. The thing rubs him the wrong way somehow, even if he can't quite put his finger on why. And while the reason for that is nebulous and out of reach, his dislike for the garment is still very real and difficult to switch off. Maybe it's all that purple.
There's a golden "V" embossed in it under the convex shaped glass. Its meaning is completely lost on Suzaku, but he can't deny that it looks good on the otherwise dark material. Turning the mask in his hands, he gives it a thorough look now that he has the opportunity to see it up close. He has never really given it a chance, he realizes. Before, Black Knights inherently equaled bad, and that alone narrowed his view. In a sense, he's seeing the mask for the first time. The whole thing looks like it was made by a professional, and although Suzaku has a few misgivings about the overall choice of design and color, that fine level of craftsmanship alone deserves his honesty.
"It's very well-made." He lightly taps his fingernail against the plastic, and watches the distorted reflection in the glass with interest.
Lelouch looks very smug after that comment, almost preening. So smug in fact that Suzaku wants to tease him a bit.
"But it looks ridiculous."
Lelouch shakes his head gently at him. "Of course you'd say that. And no, it looks distinct. Even if you think it looks ridiculous, it still serves its purpose. My identity remains anonymous, and everyone else has something to look at and remember for life."
"Because it's so ridiculous."
Lelouch takes the mask back from him, still looking amused. He doesn't put it back on though, and that's a small victory in Suzaku's book. "You are a cretin," Lelouch says genially and without a hint of malice. "You have no idea what you're talking about."
"Says the guy who goes out in public in purple pajamas."
Lelouch smirks and holds up his finger in veto. "It's not nearly as bad as your pilot suit."
Suzaku's own smirk slides right off his face. "Don't remind me."
Lelouch chuckles at that, and turns back to his notebook.
"Is it really that bad?" Suzaku is only halfway serious and mostly just wants to keep up the comfortable atmosphere.
"You will see it soon enough for yourself," Lelouch answers. "If it helps, I don't think you minded it all that much before." And that's the end of that particular topic.
Suzaku likes this. They both aren't on edge anymore, and this turned really comfortable despite the rough reunion with the Black Knights just a few minutes ago. Suzaku can't even remember seeing Lelouch so relaxed. If it's always that way, then Suzaku has no reason to dread any of this.
It's the perfect time, he decides, with Lelouch in a good mood and Suzaku feeling anchored in the knowledge that this person will be at his side, even through the opposition. "Say, could we maybe go out on a date?"
The smile abruptly falls off Lelouch's face. "What?"
Was that too forward? And here I thought he'd appreciate me not beating around the bush. "Well, I thought I'd like to get to know my boyfriend a bit better. We could do whatever you want to do. So, how about it?"
Lelouch's eyes flicker around before his line of vision settles back on his laptop. There's something on his face that Suzaku doesn't like. "…I really don't have the time right now."
Maybe it's because he didn't expect a rejection, or maybe it's because Lelouch did nothing to take the sting off of it, but it kind of hurt. "Oh, I just thought…" he begins but stops when he realizes that he's being tactless. He can fully understand why Lelouch wouldn't want to go out on a date when the life of his little sister is in jeopardy.
"You don't have to feel like I'm pressuring you into anything," Lelouch says, suddenly giving this a whole different spin.
Suzaku is quick to try to dissuade him of that. "You're not. What ever made you think you are?"
Lelouch shakes his head. "Don't feel like we absolutely have to continue where we left off."
His stomach churns at that. Suzaku tries to tell himself that Lelouch is just saying that for his sake and meant nothing else, but Lelouch is still looking at his laptop, and if that's really what it is, then Suzaku can't leave it hanging in the air like that. "Are you… are you saying you'd rather we—"
Lelouch finally looks up. "I didn't say that. I'm only saying that you don't have to put yourself in a position you're uncomfortable with." He puts his mask on again and turns back to his laptop.
"No, I understand," Suzaku says, but all he's getting from this conversation is that something has gone very, very wrong somewhere along the way. And he has no idea what.
"You should probably go. You don't want to be late."
It probably shouldn't, but it still feels like a slap in the face. "I guess," Suzaku says, and casts around for something to say so that this conversation doesn't end on such a sour note.
"Don't act any differently."
"Keep up the charade?" he asks lightly, but he knows when he's being dismissed, so he reluctantly walks towards the door.
"…yes, keep up the charade," Lelouch says quietly.
With nothing else to say, Suzaku opens the door. He allows himself to look back at Lelouch before he makes his exit.
How much did I forget?
Something got lost along the way, so much has been clear from the start. But now Suzaku thinks it runs even deeper than just forgotten facts about his life. The decisions that made him become a terrorist, his boyfriend who might or might not have second thoughts about this, and even Suzaku's personality might have changed. It's a difference only a few days made.
Suzaku wonders if they had been in love.
He hasn't really allowed himself to think in that direction yet, seeing as he either sets himself up for disappointment, or for high standard he might or might not meet again. He has distantly hoped it, though.
Suzaku supposes Lelouch isn't the type of person to show his affection openly or even often. For all his dramatic gestures, Suzaku can only imagine him to be subtle in that regard. Lelouch strikes him as just the kind of person who would suddenly surprise you with a heartfelt gesture and then act like it never even happened. But that's the thing: Lelouch doesn't act with him like he is or has been in love.
Looking at him, the proud line of Lelouch's spine from when he gave his speech is gone, along with it any allusion of grandeur. There is no trace of the relaxed stance from just a minute ago either. Instead his form almost seems to curl in on itself with the way he's hunching over his laptop and a bunch of documents. With the veil engulfing him, he looks even more fragile, almost like a young child that wrapped himself in his blanket. Suzaku watches him for a short moment like that, runs his eyes over the costume and only gets stuck on the opaque, cold glass of the mask.
How much did I lose?
All this underlines yet another thing: the fact that Suzaku decided to follow an ideology he might not have chosen if it hadn't come as a package deal.
When he closes the door of the transporter, Suzaku finally releases the sigh that has been building up all this time. He feels very much like a dog with his tail tucked between his legs as he walks off, mulling over what he should do about Lelouch. But then he notices the woman from earlier leaning against the entrance of the storehouse. Suzaku thought that she had walked off in anger.
He has half a mind to ignore her and just walk past her. Both the meeting of the Black Knights and how that conversation with Lelouch ended doesn't make him keen on getting yet another disappointment. She probably only wants to talk to Zero anyway.
But if he has to start building or burning bridges again, he should at least try to figure out where he stands with her.
"Hey," he says while approaching her. Q 1 turns around to look at him in surprise, and something clicks into place that had previously been obscured by the shadows the first time he saw her. He knows exactly who she is, even if she changed her hairstyle a bit in the meantime. She is the one of the girls on the photo from the Student Council. Not only that, but Zero started calling her something with a "K" before she interrupted him. With that, he has her real name.
"Are you Kallen?" he asks, feeling quite gratified that he managed to figure that out on his own.
She jumps slightly and stares at him with wide eyes— even worse, she tenses all over and segues into a defensive stance. "You remember me."
It almost sounds like an accusation, and Suzaku holds up his hands in placation, not feeling all that gratified anymore. "Ah, no, it's just that I realized you're in the Student Council. I saw you in a photo before."
"I see," she says, and loosens up her stance somewhat, but still stays on guard. Suzaku wonders if she acts that way because she has the same doubts about him as the rest of the Black Knights.
With her being this way, he has a hard time finding similarities between the woman in front of him and the one on that photo. There she looked demure with her tired eyes and slack posture. The person in front of him is anything but that with that fierce, fiery personality.
"Wasn't I supposed to know?" It's probably a poor conversation starter, but his curiosity won over. This is important anyway.
"I was just surprised. Zero said you lost all of your memories. I didn't expect you to know my name."
"And Q 1? What was up with that?" She had quite loudly interrupted Lelouch when he tried to call her by her real name.
"Habit," she simply answers.
They fall into silence after that. She still looks so wary of him, as if he would suddenly attack her or something. Zero might have fudged some details for Suzaku after all with Kallen's and his alleged might-be-friendship. Suzaku decides to be up front about this. At the very least he'll have his answer, and if everything goes well, he might even gain another friend, intimidating as she is.
"Zero said we had a little rivalry going on."
"…a little rivalry," she repeats, deadpan.
"His words, not mine," he adds, a bit defensively, and wonders why this whole thing feels so much like a standoff.
"Of course."
Suzaku starts to think that this was a bad idea. "I'm sorry, Zero wasn't really clear when I asked him if you and I had been friends. Did he lie?"
She frowns, but thankfully starts to shake her head. "No, it's just… it's complicated."
Maybe there was some truth to Lelouch's words after all. He smiles at her. "I'm sorry if I did anything to make you doubt me. Or if I did anything to make you angry."
"Don't apologize," she says, but it sounds harsh and not at all like she means it. "What are you doing here?"
That question throws him off. "I'm… meeting the team? Again?"
She shakes her head. "Where did Zero pick you up?"
"At school," he says slowly, trying to figure out where this is going. What exactly is her problem?
"And you came here just like that?"
"We were careful to not let anyone see us?" Suzaku is getting really unsure about this. And here he thought he'd be asking all the questions.
Again, she shakes her head, giving him a look as though he's just too slow for her. "So you decided on the spur of the moment to follow a masked terrorist to his hideout."
"He wasn't masked then," he says after some hesitation. He hopes that's not actually a well-kept secret or a taboo topic.
She has no visible reaction to that. Her face is still frozen in that half-doubtful, half-predatory expression. It's a very long and tense moment before she answers. "How nice of Lelouch to do that," she says, enunciating every word carefully.
Ah, she knows, he notes with relief. "Does everyone know it's him?"
"No," she only says, and Suzaku can clearly hear the "don't tell anyone" in her voice.
Lelouch trusted her enough to tell her. At once he feels a lot more comfortable around this person. It's common ground, and maybe once she has calmed down, they might even be able to talk about things Suzaku can't really discuss with the leader of the Black Knights. At the very least, Suzaku is very glad that he doesn't have to lie to absolutely everybody he meets.
He looks at the transporter back in the shadows. "I didn't actually believe him when he told me I'm one of you guys. He even had to call you to convince me."
"I know," she simply says.
Suzaku gives her a self-deprecating smile. "It just went against everything I thought I was, you know?"
"I can imagine."
She sure is chatty… "Until then I thought I had only been—"
She cuts him off with an impatient hand wave. "So Lelouch refreshed your memory. What else did he tell you?"
He pauses, trying to figure out what exactly it is that she wants to know. "About you, you mean?"
She shrugs. "About me, about the Black Knights… I'm surprised he told you who he is just like that."
"Because he's such a secretive person? Why wouldn't he want to tell me? He told you, too."
Kallen shoots him an unimpressed look. "So?"
And then— not thinking at all, much less noticing in time what kind of secret he's about to unveil— Suzaku opens his mouth. "Well, he's a wanted terrorist. Wouldn't it be virtually impossible to keep something this big hidden from your own boyfrrr—ack." Oh I did not just— Way to go…
She goes slack-jawed, and stares at him with wide eyes. But what might have only been a faux pas in any other situation takes on an uglier side when she only continues to stare at him in shock.
Those are the first signs of a less-than-desirable reaction, and Suzaku's heart sinks. "You… didn't know," he adds to fill the void, uselessly. He laughs nervously, maybe a bit shrilly, because if their friends at Ashford don't know, then the people in their local terrorist group are even less likely to know. And if he absolutely had to come out to someone, it probably wasn't very smart to come out to the angriest person he has met so far. Lelouch will most likely be pissed about this.
Still she stares, eyes unfocussed. Not only is this passing the limit of awkwardness, but it's delving right into territory that requires much more profanity in Suzaku's head.
Damage control. "Could you forget I said that? This is a bit awkward."
Her mouth opens and closes one time, before she focuses back on him. "Since when?"
Nervously, he begins to babble, too flustered to do much else. "Um, he told me that we've been dating for a month, so it's really not been that long. It's been kind of weird and awkward so far 'cause of this whole memory loss thing, and it was kind of a shock when he told me in the hospital that we are a couple." He pauses to catch his breath. "Well, Lelouch really wasn't all that friendly when he visited me, and this whole being gay thing is still something—"
Kallen interrupts him with a jerky hand wave. She looks like she's about to ask him something urgent. "Lelouch told you that. Does anyone else know? Or did you guys keep it a secret? Does anyone in the Student Council know?"
Suzaku wishes he were anywhere but here. "No, we haven't told anyone yet. We've only been dating for a month. I accidentally almost outed us once already. I don't think I'm very good at this."
"Were you his—"she pauses with a frown on her face,"—boyfriend before or after you found out he is Zero?"
He really doesn't like how she made a pause before that word. He isn't quite courageous enough to ask her if there's a different reason for her to be so rattled, rather than just being surprised that her friends are dating.
She has a good point, though. "I don't know. I probably should ask him that." He sheepishly scratches his cheek. At least she doesn't seem angry anymore, which allows him to calm down a tiny bit.
"And you are his boyfriend even though you know that he's the most wanted terrorist in the world?" She sounds as if she has a hard time getting the words out.
This tells him something that he has wondered about before. "Did I have some reservations about that before?" If that's the case, it's reassuring to know that this had been a problem before. It might even mean that he now isn't that much different from before he lost his memories.
"Don't ask me that."
He's not satisfied with that answer. "I did, right? I wasn't entirely at ease with what he's doing."
She shakes her head, her finger pointing at him. "I refuse to play this game."
Suzaku blinks at her. "What? It's just a question."
"What has he…" she trails off and shakes her head slowly, fingers rubbing at her forehead as though trying to ward off a headache. "Excuse me, I have to talk to Zero."
His mind starts racing, because why would she need to talk to Lelouch because of that? It might have come out of the blue for her, but that doesn't explain why she's so upset about this. "He'll be angry that I told you."
She ignores him and turns around, walking briskly towards the transporter.
Slightly panicky, but knowing that there's not much he can do anymore, Suzaku calls after her in a last ditch effort. "I'd really like to be friends with you again!"
She throws him a bewildered look over her shoulder. Then she gives him a noncommittal half-shrug before hurrying on again.
This time he doesn't resist the urge to bury his face in his hands.
Fuck.
The way to ASEEC is filled with berating himself for letting something like that slip and nervousness from getting from one uncomfortable situation to another. It provides a distraction, though, and it's something he can't get around, as reluctant as he is about it.
It begins with him already feeling very out of place when he enters the military edifice. Moreover, he wonders what he's really doing here. As much as there's nothing fake about acting out the role of being an amnesiac pilot who needs to learn the ropes again, he feels like a parasite or something equally furtive and odious. He can't forget that he's a spy, albeit one who doesn't need to do any spying yet, but that does nothing to make this any more palatable.
Even so, he has no idea what he does here normally. Does he contact Zero when they might attack the Black Knights? Does he look at blueprints of newly developed Knightmares and tell Zero what to look out for? Does he sabotage something when necessary?
Walking slowly, mostly out of reluctance to be here, but also because he knows he will have to wear that flimsy little thing for the simulation test, he continues through the halls. The smile he gives Cécile probably isn't one of his best, but she readily returns it and leads him to the changing room.
"How are you holding up? I'm sorry we didn't have a lot of time to make it easier for you. Did you have any problems?"
"Thank you, I'm doing fine," he says, and then decides that a little more honesty wouldn't hurt. "It's just taking some time getting used to everything again. I keep getting surprised." He looks around the hallway, but there is nothing to hold his interest. He supposes he won't be seeing any Knightmares today.
"As we discussed before, we'll run you through a few simulations today. No Lancelot for you until we've determined that you're fit to pilot it again," she says, all gentle eyes and encouraging smile.
"Okay," he answers quietly.
"The Knightmare in the simulation is an almost exact replica of the Lancelot. We'll give you a bit of time to reacquaint you with the controls before we'll give you a basic mission. Is that all right with you?"
He only hums in response, gearing himself up for what's to come.
Cécile stops walking and gives him a sympathetic look. "There's no need to be nervous."
"I'm not." It's not quite a lie. He's not nervous about doing this test; he's nervous about being a mole among these nice people, and also because he'll shortly be prancing around in a skintight, full-body pantyhose thing.
She doesn't say anything to that, and starts walking again after giving him a long look. "We won't keep you for long. No one wants to be stuck here on a Friday."
He nods absentmindedly, and really hopes she doesn't make all that much more small talk. As nice as she is to him, he's halfway afraid that she'll ask him about the muffin that's still catching dust in his room. He won't be able to tell the truth, and he'd rather not encourage her.
Luckily, she doesn't ask him about that unfortunate baked good, and only gives him another smile before holding the door for the changing room open. He nods back at her as she closes the door behind him, and then Suzaku is alone with only his thoughts and that piece of spandex or whatever it is.
Getting that thing on is an adventure in and of itself, and his only reward is a flushed face and feeling slightly like an exhibitionist when he greets the other scientists working here. Only sheer will makes him not reach out to cover his crotch. Thankfully, no one present stares at him.
While waiting for them to prepare everything, he gradually becomes more used to his questionable attire, and his thoughts drift again to his situation here.
He's having second thoughts. He knew he would have them, but he also thought that all this would run a bit smoother. Proving to himself that this was the right decision is one thing, but proving it to everyone else along with it wasn't something Suzaku was prepared for. He doesn't quite regret this entire decision yet, though, not when the alternative means to work actively against Zero. It would also mean having no leverage in the military as an Eleven, along with toppling over his private life.
This is the path he chose. No getting out of it now. So he puts on a brave front, and pretends that he isn't swimming against the current. And considering that he was a spy before already, all this should come back to him in due time.
Besides it's fine. Right now he's not doing anything he isn't supposed to be doing. He's just doing tests and checkups and stepping into a simulator without doing anything a soldier of Britannia isn't supposed to be doing. He isn't doing anything terroristic.
Lloyd greets him in front of one of the simulators, wearing his slightly mischievous smile, and still looking a bit worse for wear because of the bruise on his cheek. When Suzaku gets his go ahead, he takes a deep breath, and steps into the simulator.
The door immediately closes with a hiss behind him. Disoriented, he reaches out with one hand only to bump it on the console somewhere in the pitch-black space. He all but falls into his seat. It's cramped and vaguely oppressive, and with the darkness surrounding him it feels very much like he's trapped inside an egg. Isn't there a Chinese legend like that? A giant waking up in an egg, darkness everywhere, trying to break out, creating the world, something, something?
The image doesn't last long. When the screens around him flare up, both the illusion and the vague feeling of claustrophobia vanish as words, lines and symbols appear along with a lifelike overview of the city.
He looks around in wonder, eyes flickering from the screen to the myriad of button around him. Does he still know what each of them does? He's really afraid he'll do something embarrassing like activating the windshield wipers or something.
For a moment, he's very conscious of his body: where he rests his legs, how his hands hang uselessly in his lap, how the backseat digs into his shoulders. It's impressive and exactly how Suzaku imagines sitting in a Knightmare to feel like, which does nothing for his indecisiveness. It's purely psychological, but no less crippling.
"You can begin anytime," comes Cécile's gentle voice out of his earpiece, startling him.
"Right," he says, and then suffers another moment of acute indecision before he gingerly puts his hands where they're supposed to go. He's painfully aware of how awkward and clumsy his fingers feel around the controls.
Now he'll see if he has to fake anything or not.
The machine springs to life.
Then, like a puzzle piece snapping into place, his muscle memory kicks in and he moves on autopilot. The simulated giant moves, and a few second later he already flies.
He forgot nothing of this.
Suzaku barely hears Cécile's words of encouragement and whatever technical mumbo jumbo Lloyd is saying next to the rush of this. It feels like home, flying through the air. It's familiar: the inertia of the Knightmare's every step, the force of the wind acting as a constant distraction, the rush of the altitude. The simulation feels like the real thing, and that knowledge itself— the fact that his amnesia hasn't robbed him of that— feels a lot like regaining a lost part of himself. This right here is what he does, and it's liberating.
Then his mission parameters flash before his eyes, and he shifts gears.
He knows his role. This is his first mission, and he refuses to disappoint Lelouch right from the get go however much he would like to see just how much he can do. This is power under his fingers and it's tempting.
But following Zero is what he chose. Now the lying officially starts.
So he lets his hand push a button he knows he should never push without aiming beforehand. He braces himself. The gun activates— earsplitting and so very, very real— and unloads a salvo directly into the middle part of the Knightmare. The shaking of the cockpit is familiar, as are the alarm sirens.
It's over before it even really begins.
The screen fizzles out. It doesn't flash "game over" or "you've died", but it might as well have. Suzaku leans back and lets go of the controls, only now realizing how tense he held them throughout this.
Mission accomplished. I hope this will be worth it, is what he thinks.
"Oops," is what he says out loud.
The next thing he knows is that a very heavy manual is pressed into his hands.
"You already have a copy, but now you have two." Lloyd isn't scowling when he says that, but it's apparent that he's disappointed. Suzaku feels very bad about this despite the fact that everything went according to plan.
"That was a rookie mistake. You have never made that mistake before."
"I know," he says meekly.
"If it had been real, you would have died there," Cécile says. As always, her voice is gentle and kind, but it gained a worried undertone along the way. She offers him a cup of tea, which he accepts with a grateful smile.
"If you weren't the best devicer we ever had…," Lloyd mutters, looking at the flashing numbers on one of his screens.
The tea is extraordinarily strong, and if he didn't think Cécile would never do this, he might have thought that this was some kind of revenge for failing. Suzaku still drinks it, and pretends it's a test of will.
Lloyd still continues. "This is unexpected. To think that amnesia would affect your performance this much…"
Suzaku frowns, swallowing his mouthful with difficulty. He knows it shouldn't, but that comment actually hurt his pride a little. "I did fine until I used the gun."
Lloyd ignores him. "Hmm, but I guess it can't be helped and it's nothing that can't be fixed. You should be back to your old self once you get some practice in."
Cécile takes the empty cup away from him. "We'll try again on Monday. You go read your manual until then."
Lloyd looks up from his numbers in sudden urgency. "We'd completely waste two days!"
"Suzaku just got released from the hospital," she says firmly with a strained smile.
Against Suzaku's expectations Lloyd immediately, and mumbles something to the screen before him.
Cécile turns back to Suzaku. "That will be all for today. Have a nice weekend."
"Thank you," Suzaku says. He means a lot of things, but a little break from everything is more than appreciated.
Even if Lloyd's character makes him nervous, and even if Cécile is so nice to him that he doesn't quite know what to do with himself, he can't deny that unlike the Black Knights, these people actually make him feel like he's part of a team.
After a much-needed stroll to the grocery shop, he's back at his apartment. He quickly puts the groceries where they belong, and then puts the manual on the table. He has no idea if he worked through that doorstopper of a book before, but refreshing his memory can never hurt. And on the off chance that Lloyd will spring a pop quiz on him, he'd be prepared. Suzaku can easily imagine Lloyd doing that.
But for now he's determined to finally take care of his cell phone.
He doesn't have much to look through for which he's grateful. There's one big folder on his otherwise meager bookshelf, and he decides to start with that. After only a few minutes, he finds the pin code he has been looking for. His phone even accepts it.
Suzaku has seven missed calls and twelve text messages. Most are from an entity labeled the "Student Council Room" and the other ones are from Rivalz, Millay, and Shirley. He checks everything twice, scrolls through the "are you okay"s and the "call back"s, but that's all there is to it.
None are from Lelouch. Which is strange, because Suzaku knows that Lelouch has a phone— he called Kallen with it yesterday, and his number is listed separately in Suzaku's contact list— so he should've received a few missed calls or at least a text message from him. You'd think your own boyfriend would be worried about you…
Could he have been that angry about something I said or did that he completely ignored me for a couple of days? Even when I was in the hospital?
But he's probably only seeing drama where there isn't any— Lelouch could just as well have been the one who called from the Student Council Room. Moreover, he could have even known that Suzaku didn't have his phone with him.
Shaking his head at that harebrained conspiracy theory, he decides to shoot Lelouch a short message.
He deletes the first string of words he typed, and then tries once more with proper capitalization. Lelouch strikes him as the type to appreciate something like that. He hesitates briefly before adding a smiley.
"I can use my phone again! :D"
He doesn't have to wait long for a reply.
"You told Kallen," is what he gets back. Suzaku stares at it until the letters blur into one another, thinking. This is what he had feared. He hurries to type in a reply.
"I'm sorry. It was an accident."
He gets no reply.
He frowns, and types, "I hope she didn't give you a hard time for that?"
Still no reply.
Worried, Suzaku tries once more. "I didn't mean to tell her. Don't be angry."
He spends a few lonely minutes alternating between looking at his phone and the barren room before he is ready to give up. It's a change of pace to have someone mad or displeased at him for something he actually did and remembers doing instead of drawing the short stick right from the start. It's even a fitting end for this colossal failure of a day.
Idly, he spins his phone on the table. The sound is loud and useless in his apartment, and Suzaku feels just so tired and weary of it all. He closes his eyes and puts his head in his hands.
After that debacle, he grabs the folder, and moves away from the phone. For a moment he considers leaving the folder where it is; disarray would be one way to make this apartment look more lived-in or not quite so empty, but Suzaku would prefer it to manifest as something else than a lack of orderliness. Maybe he should go buy a potted plant. At least it wouldn't hurt if he managed to screw that up somehow. Suzaku could do with some non-failure right about now.
He shoves the folder back where it belongs, and then startles when it doesn't go all the way in and instead knocks against something behind it. He crouches to peer into the little niche, but it's too dark to make anything out. Did I hide something in there? Snorting to himself, he wonders if he's the type to keep a hidden alcohol stash or something like it after all, but when he reaches out into the shadows, expecting glass, he instead encounters cold steel.
Slowly, apprehensively, he pulls out a 9mm Browning L9A1. The name comes to him before he even fully realizes that he's holding a pistol.
For a few seconds he stares at it, dumbfounded. He wonders what it's doing here, or better yet, what part of his life is responsible for it being here. Does he own it because he's with the military, because he was a knight, or is it maybe even here because he's a terrorist?
With some hesitance, he brings it closer for inspection. Instinct makes him check if it's loaded before he does anything else. It's unloaded and the safety is on, which takes the edge off his indecision, and he grips it properly with his index finger resting on the trigger. Its weight and shape immediately feel familiar, fitting into his palm perfectly. Emboldened, he lifts the gun to mock-aim it at the box of ammunition that is still sitting on the shelf before changing his mind and pointing it at his phone on the table. With his legs spread for balance, shoulders and arms taut, and both eyes wide open, he aims. He stands like this for a few heartbeats, lining up the front and rear sight of the gun, and concentrates on holding his hands still. It comes easy.
Feeling validated in a way he can't quite pinpoint, Suzaku relaxes and lets the gun droop. "Click," he whispers as an afterthought, to give this some kind of makeshift denouement, and then removes his finger from the trigger. He turns the gun around in his hands, inspecting it and tracing its barrel with his finger. Its dark metal is smooth and cool to the touch, but once he reaches the muzzle, the sensation changes. He draws back, and a black film discolors the tip of his index finger. Mesmerized, he rubs it against his thumb, watches the blackness spread and clot.
And the magic shatters. He realizes that what he's spreading over his fingers isn't dust, and with it the gun becomes real in a heartbeat, something that isn't just a harmless construction of steel or a boyish, innocent toy. The distance from it is gone.
He hastily puts it back in its spot, and then walks into his bathroom to wash his hands over the sink. He should have never acted so unprofessionally in the first place.
There's not much on his finger and it comes off in an instant for which Suzaku is grateful. The soot sways and dances in the water before it disintegrates and vanishes down the drain. He decides to wash his hands once more.
Suzaku likes to think that the gunshot residue is only there because he has been target practicing with it and nothing more. After all, small guns like these are usually only issued for self-defense, he reassures himself.
But on some level he knows he's trying to wash away something that exists only in his head.
End of chapter 4