This took way too long to write for 2 reasons.
1.I had no idea how to write it at all.
2.I haven't been feeling well enough to write lately.
Anyway here goes nothing,onto chapter 4

…

Misato was never one to wake up early,she often spent as much time as humanly possible in her bed when she didn't have to work,her new charge was quite unlike her in that regard,he woke up extremely early in the morning for no apparent reason and when asked as to why he'd simply replied that it was habit,she had decided not to push the issue further. That was the reason she was worried for the boy at the moment,ever since his battle with the fourth angel he had been missing school for nearly a week and sleeping extremely late,even by her standards.

"Shinji-kun,you can't keep missing school " That was technically speaking a lie,NERV privileges given to the boy made it so he didn't have to go to school,yet he did so anyway if only because he would lack anything to do at home during that time. Misato waited a few minutes for an answer only to get none,that was odd she expected at very least a short reply from the boy,for him to ignore her was unlike him. Slowly she opens his room's door and peeks inside,finding to her surprise an empty room.

"Has he...ran away?"

…

Toji did not remember ever being so afraid of doing something his entire life,it was j simple,ring the bell,ask for Shinji and apologize for hitting him in the face,yet after what had happened inside the evangelion and that,that scream he was extremely afraid the boy might even bite his head off.

"Here goes nothin'" He says as he takes a shaky step forward and rings the bell.

"Shinji?!" A rather attractive female woman said as she opened the apartment building in a hurry. Was that Shinji's mother perhaps?No she was a bit too young for that,not to say she looked nothing like Shinji,his guardian perhaps?

"uhh..." Toji did not get to finish,or for that matter even begin his sentence before getting distracted by her...'assets'

"uh,we're Shinji's classmates,Aida and Suzuhara." Kensuke said with an unnatural,at least for him,level of confidence. "We are looking for Shinji. Is he home?"

"Shinji" Misato said,she had to come up with an apropriate excuse as to why the boy was gone,there had to be a reason for him to go,he wouldn't run away without a that Misato was sure. "he's at NERV,classified stuff.."

"If that is so then we'll be leaving,oh and give these to Shinji,they are printouts,they started building up in Shinji's desk." Kensuke said as he gave her the small stack of papers wicth she took with a smile

"I apologize for your trouble. Thank you"She then closes the door,leaving the two boys to look at the door in amazement.

"An expected development"

"Shinji's guardian's such a babe."

…

Shinji Ikari didn't take notice of the time passing,he simply listened to his SDAT for hours on end,people entered and left the train,time passed yet he couldn't feel time passing,only listen to the music as it soothed him. He didn't know why,had it been the talk with Misato after the fourth angel?the pain? Why had he run away?He shouldn't have,the world depended on him,yet he felt as if it wasn't fair,that it wasn't fair for him to suffer that much.'no one else can.' His mind told him,'you were the only choice.' 'but why me?' Another part asked,the naive,hopeful and emotional part of him,the one who was a mere 14 year old boy wanting to live his life.'So,you would let everyone suffer because you want a normal life?' no,he wouldn't.

He had to admit,even if only to himself that he had a hero complex,he couldn't bring himself to simply let people suffer when he could help them. But he also knew he hated pain,he hated pain more than anything else in his life,he wanted to run away from pain. And those 2 ideals were constantly in battle inside his mind. Yet he always choose the first,why? Because he knew that if he ran away and let people be hurt he would feel pain,he couldn't win,not truly.

He had always chosen to keep to the ideal that physical pain wouldn't matter as well as he could help people,perhaps that was his delusional self thinking back then,of course it would matter. The pain was over-whelming to the point where he still felt it beneath the bundle of bandages wrapped beneath his shirt.

He walked into a cinema,bought a ticket to a movie about second impact and sat down,he didn't care about the movie really,he just needed somewhere to be. somewhere that wasn't home. He noticed a couple in one of the few occupied seats,they were making out perhaps were even gonna have sex. disgusting,he thought. Yet at the same time he longed for it,for someone who would care for him on that level,sure he had his father and Misato,but they were different,Misato was genuinely nice and cared about him as if he was her son but he knew he would have to dis-appoint her in the future, and his father,while his father truly cared for him,he cared more about his mother and as such their time together would be short especially with his job,so he had no one,no one in his new life to love. I guess that's one thing that doesn't change when you move,no one caring about you in the end...

Why had he ran away?Why,why had his mind been broken after merely 2 fights,surely he couldn't be that pathetic?Yet as the sun rose and he walked through the streets he found he still couldn't bring himself to walk back home. So he continued walking slowly yet steady towards an unknown objective,a purpose perhaps. And he walked and he walked,he couldn't remember for how long he had walked,all he knew was that it had been hours and he was far off city limits,yet he continued walking. He sat down and looked at the city,it looked as beautiful as ever,in par at least due to his efforts to protect it. He thought back to what had happened in the last battle.

…

At the time he was still in his plugsuit,still recovering from his outburst,his eyes were distant,he couldn't remember much detail,couldn't even tell you the color of the wall he had been looking at,but he remembered the words well.

"Why did you ignore my orders?"A rather irate Misato demanded to know,because 'I'm more suited to making battle tactics than you perhaps?' was what the soldier in him begged him to say,but he didn't,antagonizing Misato would only make things more difficult,so he didn't.

"I'm sorry"Shinji didn't mean it,of course he didn't,what had her orders mattered in the end?the thing was dead. He was victorious and the end of the world had been averted.
"Your supposed to obey my orders,do you understand that Shinji?"

"Yes" Of course he understood orders were to be followed,but in the end he'd snapped,he remembered little from the fight,just his own inhuman scream,even so he'd won so what did it matter in the end?

"don't do it again,do you understand?"

"yes"

"Are you even listening to what I'm saying?!"Listening,yes he was listening just not paying attention to the things being said.

"Yes."He answered once more,he simply wanted to leave,the pain on his recently bandaged stomach hurt like a bitch and he was incredibly hungry

"You are NOT getting out of this by just saying yes to everything."well,there goes that plan. were Shinji's rather bitter sounding thoughts.

"That's enough,we won the battle,what does it matter if I didn't follow some stupid plan!"He was perhaps for the first time since coming to Tokyo-3,pissed off she'd have all the right to complain once SHE got into one of those things and felt her guts be pierced by a fucking demon in all but name!

"Listen,just because you killed it doesn't mean you can ignore orders!You'll get yourself killed with such a reckless attitude"

"I don't care."He stood up and headed to leave only to stop at the door. "As long as I give humanity a fighting chance I don't really care if I live or die,as long a I give my bes...t-then,then you can all live happy,so don't worry about me.

…

"captain!"

"Aida! Go on ahead"

"But I can't leave you behind!" kensuke was about to continue his drama when he noticed someone above him.

"Boom,your dead." Shinji says as he 'shoots' kensuke with his finger gun.

"New kid..." Kensuke muttered as he watched the boy smile at him.

…

They were sitting by the fire. Shinji liked fire,he never knew why,he wasn't an arsonist or pyromaniac. It simply gave off warmth from a distance warming one as long as they didn't get too close,he liked that the distant yet very much real warmth that emanated from the fire.[1]

"Toji's sorry about that by the way" Shinji knew what 'that' was,the 2 punches he'd rightfully received to the face for hurting Toji's sister. He believed that had been an unfair deal,for Toji that is,his sister was extremely injured and might even never walk again all because of his failures as an eva pilot.

"His sister was supper pissed about saying ya saved the city and all."Shinji didn't believe he'd saved anyone,he had simply done as he had been told,what he had been trained to do and had failed at it,he knew people had died, knew all their names,he'd memorized them,the names of everyone that had died because of his actions.

…

The room was dimly lit,and as far as Shinji could tell was the same one he'd spoken to Misato in after the battle against the fourth angel. oh sweet mother of irony.

"Do you feel any better after dis-appearing for two days?"Misato asked as she looked at him with a dis-appointed expression.

"Not really."He'd only managed to find himself with more doubts and questions then he had before leaving.

"Unit-01 has been repaired. Will you pilot it?"

"It doesn't matter..."

"what?"

"My choice...it doesn't matter."

"If you think we're forcing you Shinji,your wrong,if you want to leave than do so,we Don't need pilots with that attitude!"

"Its not you or NERV that is forcing me to stay here,its myself." She looked confused for a moment before Shinji continued. "I can already tell what will happen when the next angel attacks,you send out Ayanami,her low Synch rate fails her and then we're all doomed because the great third child ran away. No,i refuse to let more people die because of my actions Misato. If I have to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders,then so be it." He had made his choice long ago,this little self-evaluation of his during the little trip had only confirmed it,he couldn't stand by and do nothing,it wasn't in his nature. "I'll pilot,because I must,because there is not other choice,because if I don't then I'll hate myself for it for the rest of my miserable life!For everyone's sake but my own,i will end the angels.." I will end them,no matter the cost...

…

"Have you heard of the situation with the third child?"Ritsuko knew of course that Gendo was aware of his son's temporary dis-appearance,after all the boy was such an important part in the scenario Gendo had increased security around the pilots tenfold after the third's debut as a pilot. What she was more worried about was if Shinji's resolve was still intact.

"The third child's resolve to the scenario is not at risk,it is understandable he would have some second thoughts at this stage,but if these doubts have not broken his resolve yet,its unlikely anything else will."Gendo stated,behind them Rei listened to the conversation intently,more so than she normally did with the commander's conversations,which was a lot. Rei was...confused would perhaps be the word? About the boy's importance in the scenario as anything but the pilot of unit-01,yet it seemed the commander had plans for him beyond that. Quite interesting,i must observe pilot Ikari intently, and perhaps even directly question commander Ikari about this matter at a later date?

"With all do respect commander,the games your playing are extremely dangerous ones." Ritsuko knew the commander was a man many times more intelligent than she was,yet she couldn't help but doubt some of his decisions,for example choosing to tell his son about the full extent of the scenario,something that,if the boy had not been willing to help,could have destroyed it completely. Before that scenario was changed to accommodate Shinji's survival that was...

"You should know by now ..." He steeped inside the elevator and then continued before the door closed "...I only play games I plan on winning."

…

"come on just do it!hit me in the face!" Toji ordered Shinji,which himself just sighed. He understood why the jock wanted him so they were 'cool' but Shinji didn't think there was any need for that. He legitimately believed he had deserved those punches,on the other hand of course he knew Toji wouldn't stop demanding to be punched. So he choose the path of list resistance clenched his fist and

"here goes nothing.." Hit Toji right in the jaw,to be honest it did feel satisfying to punch someone with his own fists again. He had just hoped it would have been a bully or a thug,not Suzuhara.

"Damn new kid,you throw a mean punch." Toji said with a small laugh as he rubbed his sore cheek. "We're even now." He smiles and stretches out his hand "Friends?".

"Friends." Shinji replies as he shakes it. "Lets head to class then,shall we?We don't want Horaki beating us up because we're late."They all laugh and head inside the school,now friends.

…

"This is somehow all your fault"If unit-01 could have raised its middle finger in response to Akagi's statement,it would have. Instead its just shifted its head slightly in Akagi's direction

"Love you too Yui."Ritsuko said with the most fake cheer she could muster.

…

I really liked to write this chapter in the end,it was pretty though due to the fact it deviates more from canon than most others but I still like it anyway.