A Black Wind:

Ch 4: Yet

I'm losing ground and gaining speed

I've lost myself, or most of me

I'm headed for the final precipice

I did go to the memorial. Voight had to pick me up from Jay's apartment in order to make it in time, but I did go.

I can't convey any of it, however. My eyes were too full of blurry tears for me to be able to make out even the slightest image and I didn't hear a word that anyone said. All I heard was a song screaming quietly in the background. It was so beautiful and moving that it blocked out all other sounds, all other voices, all other motions. Every note hit so close to home I thought it would knock the wind out of me.

It was enchantingly sorrowful...and yet, I don't remember a word.

Voight dropped me off at my apartment later that night. He stumbled through my kitchen, searching for some sort of food to make a meal out of, but eventually gave up, being only able to find old bottles of beer and some aging takeout.

He sighed and sat down beside me on my couch. "I'll bring by some groceries tomorrow."

I shrugged, but didn't reply.

"You going to be okay for the night Erin? You can always stay at my place."

"I'm fine," I lied quietly.

Voight sighed, "Erin. You don't have to lie to me. I know you better than that."

I looked at him hopelessly. "What do you want me to say Hank?" I barely coughed out, my voice sounding strangled by sorrow.

He let out, yet another sigh, and we just sat there in silence for a moment as he searched for something to say. "We've pulled Burgess up to Intelligence."

"What?" I gasped in a small puff of air, much like that of someone who had just been winded.

"It's not to take your spot Erin."

"It's to take Jay's."

Voight let out a heavy breath, shaking his head slowly. "We're down two men Erin. We had to pull someone up."

"I bet she's real happy about it," I muttered bitterly.

"Don't be like that. She's good police. She'll do good in Intelligence. She deserves to be in Intelligence," he reminded me sternly. "She's not there to take Jay's place. She's there to help us. We're understaffed without her. None of this is about replacing Jay."

"But it is," I whispered. "And you're right. It's not your fault. It's not Burgess's." I ran my hands across my face, and stumbled to my feet, beginning to pace nervously. "But he's being replaced. The world is spinning on without him. Time is...it's passed without him. It's still going. Everything," I raised my voice so I was practically screaming. "Everything is happening without him."

Anger swept over me, suddenly. I was mad at the world for moving on. I was mad at time for leaving him behind. I was mad at myself for forgetting that it would.

I picked up a nearby digital clock, yanking it's cord from the socket. "Look at this!" I shouted. "Look at this clock! It's still ticking! It's still going on- through each day- each minute! As though he never left! Everything is moving on! Everything is leaving him behind!" In an act of blinding furry, I through the clock at the ground as hard as I could, causing it to violently shatter on the ground.

Tears overcame me. "And I don't want it to," I sobbed out.

Slowly, and with a calm expression, Voight rose to his feet and approached the shattered remains of the clock. "Erin," he said softly, as he squatted down beside it, picking up the largest remaining piece. "This clock...it's not ticking anymore. It's stopped moving on. It's forever frozen in the moment you threw it. It's not leaving Jay behind anymore. Isn't that what you want?"

I paused, unsure of how to respond.

Gently, Voight put the piece down and rose to his feet. "But it's in pieces Erin. It's stopped moving on because it's stopped working...because it's broken. It's been shattered into pieces...and you will be too...if you don't move on as well."

"I don't want to do that Hank," I sobbed, miserably as he approached me. "I don't want to forget him."

"You don't have to forget him Erin. In fact, you shouldn't. You should hold his memory close, as close as you can, but you can't dwell on it. You have to keep going...or you will be like that clock."

I sniffed back another wave of tears. "How? How do I even do that? How do I move on Hank? I tried looking back. I went to his apartment. I went to the memorial. I might have started to accept that he's gone, but I can't just... I can't move past it. I don't know how."

Hank put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "Do you remember way back when I took you in? I told you that I would help you. I told you I would help you get better...but it wasn't going to be easy. It was going to be hard. It was going to hurt."

"You said it wasn't just going to be just a set of steps," I recalled with a sniff. "That it was going to be a process..."

"And there was only so much I could tell you to do. The rest...that was the part you had to find out for yourself. There's always a part that's different for everyone."

"So you're trying to say that you can't help me?" I asked coldly.

Voight shook his head. "I'm trying to say, I can only help you so much. But I can help you. Do you trust me Erin?" He asked as he reached out his hand to me

I nodded. "Of course I trust you." I replied, taking his hand, warmly, in mine.

He smiled slightly. "Then, I want to take you somewhere. I know it's late, but I think it might help."

I hesitated for a moment. A large part of me wanted to crawl into my bed and cry myself into a deep, unending coma. I wanted to wake up and, if only for a moment, forget why it hurt so much just to breathe, but Voight was right. I needed to move on...not forget, I reminded myself, just move on.

I thought of the small photograph folded up in my pocket (the one Mouse and I had found in Jay's dresser drawer) and I looked my father-figure right in the eyes. I nodded. It was just like Antonio had said...Head on.

"Let's go," I said with as much forced confidence as I could muster and just like that, I followed Voight out into the night.

The roads were a maze. As a member of the Chicago Police Department, I had learnt each street well so I could get just about anywhere in the city with ever having to consult a map, but as Voight drove me through the nighttime streets of Chicago, each turn was more confusing than the first. I recognized buildings and street names, but it all blurred together making it impossible for me to figure out where we were going. Until, that is, we arrived at the precinct.

I looked at Hank questioningly, but he simply smiled reassuring and parked the vehicle. We both got out of the car and I followed him, as slowly as I could get away with, into the large building.

"Sargent Platt," Hank greeted. "What are you still doing here this late at night?"

"I'm starting a dance crew," she muttered sarcastically. "What're you doing here?"

Hank simply motioned his head towards me, who, at the time, was trying very hard to not be noticed by the desk Sargent.

"Hey," I mumbled just loud enough for her to hear.

Platt forced a smile, but didn't say anything. She always had been a dangerously perceptive woman and she could clearly see how badly I did not wish to continue the conversation with her at that moment.

"Let's go upstairs Erin," Hank suggested, leading me up and unlocking the entrance gate. I nodded silently and obediently followed. Once we reached the top he stopped without saying a single word. I froze in awe.

Jay's desk was completely covered in flowers and old photos. I approached it slowly, afraid of its fragility. I squatted down in front of it and examined it closely, running my hands over each photo and smelling each and every flower.

There were small cards too. They were simple cards, each only having a few words, a single, simple yet overwhelmingly meaningful message. And each was signed. I read some of the names. Everyone from the unit was there. So were many other names I recognized from the precinct as patrol officers. What me the most, however, was the amount of names that I didn't recognize.

"Practically the whole precinct's been up at some point," Hank explained. "It was Burgess's idea. Originally, I shut her down, but then Ruzek and Atwater supported her. Once Antonio and Al agreed I had no choice, but to let them do it. The whole precinct got into it."

I stopped at a small, white card. It was just as simple as the rest, but it bore a familiar insignia; the Chicago Fire Department. I opened up the card, and sure enough it was signed by the entirety of Firehouse 51.

Hank noticed the card I was looking at. "Antonio's sister," he explained. "Got the whole house into it."

I nodded, feeling tears begin to well up. "He got around didn't he? Knew a lot of people."

"Helped a lot of people," Hank added.

I nodded once more. "He was that kind of guy." I looked up at Hank. "That's how he should've gone out. He deserved to go out in the line of duty...at the very least. He helped so many people."

Hank sighed. "Erin. That doesn't change anything. How he died doesn't matter. It's how he lived. Look at the desk. He moved enough people to have them create this. He lived to save people. His death may have just been a freak accident, but that doesn't change how he lived."

I smiled sadly. "I know. It doesn't make it hurt any less though."

We remained in a comfortable silence as I continued to check over the desk. After a minute or so, Hank excuse himself to go downstairs, giving me some time alone. The silence, however was short lived.

"Oh," came a familiar voice. "I thought I heard someone."

I looked up to see Kim Burgess. Quickly, I shot to my feet.

"I was just looking-" I stammered. "Hank told me that it was your idea."

She nodded with a nervous grin. "I know it's cliche and kind of childish, but-"

"Jay would've liked it. He was into things like this. Traditional sorts of things...he enjoyed the simplest of things. I know he would've approved."

Her smiles brightened. "That's good. I thought me might...and...Dawson said the same thing."

I nodded silently, then let out a deep breath. "What're you doing here so late?"

She shrugged. "There's a lot of paperwork associated with joining Intelligence." Then, suddenly, she froze up upon saying the name of the unit. "I'm so sorry-" she blurted. "That was inconsiderate."

I shook my head. "You're fine, Burgess. You joined Intelligence, that's nothing to be ashamed of."

"I'm not ashamed," she assured me quickly. Slowing down her pace, she continued, "I just...I have big shoes to fill."

"Yeah. You do," I agreed. I paused for a moment, looking over at my vacant desk, than back at Jay's memorial of a desk.

"I've been working from the break room," Burgess explained, spontaneously. "I didn't want to use your desk and I...I didn't want to..." she trailed off.

I smiled for a moment. "You should try it out," I suggested, motioning to my late partner's desk. Burgess looked unsure, but I smiled as warmly as I could manage. "It's okay."

Hesitantly, she finally sat down in the decorated chair. I slowly, made my way over to my desk and sat down. She seemed uncomfortable in the seat, but I couldn't deduce whether it was due to the decorations or the fact the desk was Jay's just a little while ago.

Then, suddenly, it all felt so wrong. She shouldn't be there. That was my partner's desk. That was Jay's desk. That was my partner's desk. I shook my head violently.

"No," I muttered to myself. "It's wrong. It's all wrong. It's too wrong." I shot to my feet, an action that the new member of Intelligence abruptly mimicked, stepping away from the decorated desk.

"I need to go."

"Wait!" Burgess called, causing me to turn around. "Erin. Why did you come here?"

I paused for a moment. "I don't know."

She fiddled with her hands. "Whatever it is...that you're looking for...I hope you find it."

I forced a smile. "Me too..." I said hopefully. "And Burgess...you can use my desk, at least until I'm back," I added before heading back down the stairs.

"Burgess was upstairs," I told Hank as we drove through the streets of Chicago.

"Hm," he thought for a moment. "I'm hoping you didn't throw a clock at her."

I rolled my eyes. "I asked her to sit in Jay's desk...just to see..." I trailed off for a moment. "IT felt wrong Hank. It was so wrong. I don't think I'm ready for this whole 'moving-on' thing."

Hank laughed slightly. "I told you Erin. It's not an overnight thing. It's never going to be."

I nodded, silently, an action which earned no reply, leaving us both sitting in the silence, just as we had been only moments before.

"Hank?" I asked after a few minutes. "There's someplace other than my apartment that I want you to drop me off."

He raised an eyebrow suspiciously. "Drop you off?" he repeated.

I nodded. "Antonio told me something earlier today and I've been trying to do it, but... but it's hard."

"What did he tell you?"

"He told me to face it." I let out a sharp, sad, breath. "I've been trying. I've been trying so had to do whatever it takes to make it- make it easier to- to move on- or- or accept it, but it's not getting easier. I just it to stop hurting so much. I want the pain to just...go away." Tears began to well up in my eyes, but I wiped them away before Hank could see. "I've been trying to face it, head on, but that's- that's just me trying to run from the pain."

Han nodded understandingly. "I know how you feel, Erin," he confessed. "It's like a hopeless loop of grief. I've been there. Remember?"

I smiled sadly, "Yeah."

Hank went on. "I'm here for you though Erin...and I'm not giving up on you." Slowly, he pulled the vehicle over to the curb. Putting it in park, he turned to face me. "You're strong as they come Erin."

I smiled, my body now shaking with the tears I was desperately trying not to cry. "No I'm not," I confessed in a strained voice. "Jay was stronger than me. You'd never know it though. He hid his strength, but he had it. A lot of it." I let out a heavy, ragged breath.

"It wasn't enough for him," I whispered.

Hank sighed. "I know," he whispered. "It seems like pure strength never is, but it is enough Erin. I promise you that if you hold onto your strength...it will be enough."

I nodded, letting out more and more ragged breaths as unshed tears caused my body to shake more and more violently.

"There's somewhere I need to be Hank...and I think I need to be there alone."

"Okay kid," he said soothingly, briefly placing a comforting hand on my shoulder before kicking the car back into gear. "Just tell me where to take you."

The rain had stopped at least an hour ago, but the grass was still wet and the street was covered in puddles. Hank splashed straight through one as he drove off, missing me, thankfully, by a few feet.

I remember standing there, watching his car drive off until I could no longer see it. I remember not wanting to turn around and suddenly, being filled with overwhelming regret about coming here at all. I wanted to call Hank and have him turn around. I reached from my phone in my pocket, but when I touched the folded photograph, I paused and pulled it out instead. I ran my fingers over the creased paper, before putting it back in my pocket and turning around.

As my gaze danced across each of the tombstones I was filled with an overwhelming sorrow. I didn't want to go into the maze of graves, searching for the right one. I clenched the photo in my pocket just hard enough to give me the courage to go through with it.

Hank had given me a general description of where to look, but it still took me a couple minutes to find the right stone. When I finally did, I fell to my knees in front of it. I only read two words...

Jay Halstead

I took a deep, jagged breath. "I never this day would come," I confessed. "This... It doesn't feel right." My voice jumped up an octave as my eyes began to well up with tears. I left out more shaky breaths. "You...You were never supposed to leave me."

"I never meant to Erin."

I didn't even have to look up to know who it was.

"But you did. You left me."

Silence filled the graveyard for a brief moment that lasted an eternity. "I know."

I laughed coldly. "You know?" I snapped. "I'm a wreck Jay. I'm a wreck because of you. I let you into my life. I let you into my heart...and you left me. And it hurts so bad. This is why I don't let people in...it hurts too much when they leave."

"I'm not your parents Erin. I didn't want to leave you. I wanted everything you wanted. I wanted to...to spend forever with you. I meant to stay."

"I always knew how you felt." I let out a small chuckle. "You wore your heart on your sleeve since the first day I met you. It was one of the many reasons why we should've never gotten along...and one of the main reasons why we did."

Silence.

I wiped tears from my eyes as they threatened to fall. "The only problem was me. I was foolish. I was too afraid...and I lost my chance. I lost you."

"You'll never lose me Erin."

"I did though. I saw your...your lifeless eyes..." I trailed off, fading into the far off memory of that small, crowded hospital room when I first found out the truth. It still hurt to remember. "I can never forget that image."

"Erin. Look at me."

I shook my head.

"Erin."

I turned my head slowly. He was standing there, just behind me, looking just as he had the day...just before the accident.

"You didn't lose me. Not yet. You only lose me, if you forget about me. If you forget who I was...how I was."

"I don't know how to do this without you," I whispered as I wiped away even more tears. "I don't know how to do anything without you." I paused for a moment, sniffing back even more tears, afraid of not being able to stop crying once I started.

"All I've done is cry, Jay," I whispered hopelessly. "I tried to move on. I tried to make it stop hurting. I don't know how."

"Yes you do."

"How?"

"How?" he repeated. "Time. Love. Friends. Family." he stopped for a moment, looking up at the sky. A familiar grin played into existence on his face. He laughed, "You keep fighting for tomorrow, for just one more day."

I followed his gaze up to the sky. I smiled weakly. The dark storm clouds were rolling out of the dark sky. I could now clearly see the moon and the stars.

I laughed at the irony, at the coincidence, putting a hand over my mouth. Jay squatted down in front of me, a hauntingly beautiful smile on his face.

"You will never lose me," he stated with a sort of certain finality that made it all feel better, even if only for the blink of an eye.

"You can do this. You can do this without me. I know you can," He added with the same finality.

I looked down from the sky to face him again. "I don't want to."

"Come on. You're Detective Erin Lindsay. You're a fighter, a surviver...you're a damn champion."

For a small, tiny little eternity we just remained and even though, deep down, I knew he wasn't real. I knew he was just a hallucination, I found comfort in his gaze. I saw my home in his eyes. I saw my heart in his smile and I knew I would never love another quite the way I loved him. Maybe it'd be stronger, maybe it'd be weaker, but it would never be the same. It would never be the same...and I would never try to make it that way.

"My head's almost better," I thought aloud. "That means you're gonna go away. You're going to leave."

Jay smiled. "You'll be okay."

"No I won't," I whispered through frequent jagged breaths. "But I'll survive...and I'll do it for you. I'll keep fighting. I'll keep searching for each tomorrow. I'll hold to the ones I love that I still have. I won't ever push them away. I'll love more. I'll hate less. I'll try harder...and I'll do better. I'll be better Jay."

I took a heavy, ragged breath as more tears welled up in my eyes. They blurred my vision of Jay, so I let them fall down my cheeks. I just wanted to hold onto the image of his. The dream of him.

"And I'll never forget you...and Burgess may someday take your desk, but she'll never be you. And I'll make damn sure that she never disrespects- or forgets- whose shoes she's filling and how important they are."

Jay smiled. "She'll do fine. So will you."

"I'll have to be the best damn cop. No one to look out for me anymore. What am I going to do without you to be my backup?"

Jay smirked. "Nah. You never needed me. You were always too badass...kept making me look bad."

I laughed at the comment, causing more tears to spill. I covered my mouth with my hands as more tears racked through my body. "Of course I was," I managed. "Someone had to keep that ego in check."

He looked at me with an unbearably sad smile. "So this is goodbye?" I asked.

He looked at the ground.

More tears shattered through me as nodded in understanding. "I'm gonna miss you so much," I confessed. "I mean...I mean, I miss you so much," I corrected myself, editing out the am gonna.

He smiled one of his heartwarming smiles and it took everything in me not to fall apart as we both rose to our feet. "I guess we should say goodbye then," he suggested.

"No," I insisted, shaking my head. "We promised always. There are no goodbyes in always."

He smiled. "That works for me."

"I'll see you again Jay. Someday."

A laughed broke through him, causing me to smile through my storm of tears. "Oh," he teased, "Definitely."

Then slowly, but somehow also way too fast, he faded into the nothingness, into the background...and he was gone.

I let out a tortured scream and the pain washed over me more strongly than it ever had. I hurt more than anything, but it didn't feel like a fiery pain. It was more like a dam breaking. The current was overwhelming, but I think I had finally just begun to move on...somehow.

Another, grief-stricken cry burst out of my lungs as I managed to turn back to the gravestone. I read his name, his years and the small words beneath that simply read:

Never Forgotten

Tears continued to overwhelm me as I fell forwards, collapsing onto my hands and knees. One last scream ripped itself out of my lungs, leaving me shaking, sobbing and occasionally letting out fragments of words.

I remember it as though I remained there, crying hopelessly, all night long. I recall the last of my sobs breaking free in the light of the sun. I remember rising to my feet and staring at the blood-stained sunrise. Surely, that isn't quite how it happened...or maybe it was...but, nonetheless, I remember staring into the morning's sunrise...

And starring into that red, for just a moment, I forgot why I was crying. I forgot why breathing hurt so much...and I remembered the song from the funeral, the beautiful, moving, enchantingly beautiful song...but then, just like every morning, the world came back to me and I remembered why it hurt so much.

And I forgot the words and rhythm of a most beautiful song.

But you haven't lost me yet

No, you haven't lost me yet

I'll sing until my heart caves in

No, you haven't lost me yet

The End.

I'm actually pretty pleased with how well this song fit the chapter...speaking of songs:

Title/Description: Valentine's Day (Linkin Park)

Ch 1: Immortals (Fall Out Boy)

Ch 2: Rain (Patty Griffin)

Ch 3: Forever (Rascal Flatts)

Ch 4: Yet (Switchfoot)

I really hope you guys enjoyed the story, I loved writing it. I won't have my next sorry out until the start of July (at the earliest) with exams and HW and all. I don't have a concrete idea yet so feel free to send them in. AND as always, let me know what I did well and what I could do better next time in order to help me make my stories more enjoyable for you.

I hope you all enjoyed. :)