Let's pick this back up. Many thanks to SqueakyZorro and FatesLoveQueen!
I got my head, but my head is unraveling
Cant keep control, can't keep track of where it's traveling
I got my heart, but my heart's no good
You're the only one that's understood
I come along, but I don't know where you're taking me
I shouldn't go, but you're wrenching, dragging, shaking me
Turn off the sun pull the stars from the sky
The more I give to you the more I die
And I want you
You are the perfect drug
The perfect drug
The perfect drug
The perfect drug
The Perfect Drug - Nine Inch Nails
Eff! No, not eff. Fuck. Holy fuck!
My hands trembled and I gripped the doorjamb of my bedroom. Then my knees started to give out on me, and somehow I made it to my bed before collapsing onto my stomach, the mattress bouncing and squeaking as I landed.
Bella was coming over to my house for dinner Saturday night. How did this even happen? One minute we were just sitting there in the old park, talking, and the next I was inviting her over for dinner, during which she would also be meeting my family.
And they were going to shit a brick. Since middle school, I'd never had anybody over. Ever. My mom had always tried, telling me I could invite Ben and Angela over so I didn't feel so left out on nights when Emmett and Alice had their friends at the house, but it had just been something I never really wanted to do. Home and school had always been two different worlds that I didn't want to overlap. My home was always my sanctuary from all of the crap I dealt with at school. When I was here, I didn't have to think about there. I could drown myself in my WoW game; I could engross myself in my South Park DVDs. I could crawl into bed and under my covers and completely hide from the world, pretending it was just me and that no one else existed.
But when I saw the look on Bella's face, the sadness that tarnished her beauty for that split second in the old park, I knew I had to do something. And then I was saying the words, like it was the easiest thing on the planet to invite a girl over to your house for dinner.
I rolled over onto my back and stared up at the ceiling, wondering how I was actually going to get through the rest of the night and the day tomorrow without having another major panic attack, when I heard the front door open and Emmett stomp up the stairs. I jumped up, anxious to ask him what the hell I was supposed to do now and to let my mom know I'd have a guest for dinner the next day, but when I went into the hallway, the angry look on Emmett's face as he walked to his room told me he wasn't in any mood to talk, and he slammed his bedroom door shut behind him.
I walked to the top of the stairs to see my mom at the bottom, staring up at me with a sad smile. "He had a bad day."
That's when I remembered what happened in the cafeteria earlier, and suddenly, I felt like a huge dick, being only concerned with my day up to that point. I cringed. "Yeah."
Mom walked away, and my mood quickly faltered. I wandered to Emmett's bedroom door and knocked. He'd always tried to cheer me up when I had a bad day. The least I could do was try to return the favor. He didn't reply, so I knocked again. "Hey, Em? You all right?"
After still no reply, I sighed. "I'm just across the hall if you need anything." I turned away and was just about to walk back into my room when Emmett's door cracked open, and he peeked through.
"Thanks, man. I'm all right though."
I nodded and headed back into my room, keeping my door open just in case, and sat down at my computer, eager to do anything that would take my mind off of everything that could possibly go wrong the next day.
As for my dinner guest, I guess my family would just be surprised Saturday night.
^0-0^
Sleep did not come easy that night, and I swear, I think I woke up at least once an hour. Finally, after my eyes had opened for the millionth time a little after six a.m., I decided just to give up and made my way downstairs. The house was still, aside from Alice's snoring, and I quietly poured myself a bowl of Cap'n Crunch then headed into the living room.
Breakfast was always better when it could be eaten while watching Saturday morning cartoons. Unfortunately, the Saturday morning cartoons I had watched when I was younger had all been replaced with morning news programs and annoying teen soap operas. Good thing for me, I had my South Park DVDs. I'd just hit play on one of my favorite episodes and shoveled the first spoonful of Cap'n Crunch into my mouth when my dad walked into the living room, and I silently groaned, knowing the rest of my morning was shot.
"Son."
"Morning, Dad."
"How are your hands?"
I placed the cereal bowl on the coffee table and looked down at my palms, scratching at one of the itchy scabs and wincing when it ripped away from my skin. Blood began seeping out of the tiny wound, and I quickly pressed my hand onto my knee, my dark blue pajama pants absorbing the blood. "They're fine."
Dad kept his disbelieving glare on me for a few seconds before sitting down in the living room chair and turning his attention to the TV where Mr. Hanky sang and danced his way around Kyle's toilet bowl. He watched quietly for a while before ending the awkward silence with his same old brand of discussion. "Have you thought anymore about our conversation the other night?
"Not really." I hadn't at all actually, having had more important things on my mind, like Bella and not getting my ass kicked.
"You can't just sit around watching this mindless trash for the rest of your life. You're too old for all of this. It's time you make an effort to be more sociable with people who are going to help get you somewhere in life. Now, I was talking to Dr. Gerandy just yesterday, and he's running a special internship program at the hospital this summer for high school seniors that are interested in going into the medical field. Spots are limited, but he's offered to hold one for you."
"Dad, I already told you, I don't want to be a doctor," I whined.
"Well, what do you want to be, Edward?"
I looked down and shrugged. "What does it matter anyway? I've never been good at anything. That's never going to change."
"That's because you've never stuck with anything long enough to find out, Edward!" Dad took a deep breath in through his nose. I could tell because there was a slight whistle as he did, and it reminded me of my second grade teacher, Mr. Molina, who would always make strange noises through his nose when he breathed and was always digging around up there with his pinky finger. Then one day, Mr. Molina was handing back our spelling tests and right on the corner of Ben's paper was a dried up smear of greenish-brown gold. Ben made a gagging noise and I laughed, and then we both had to sit out at recess for causing a disruption in class.
I snorted back a laugh at the memory, and dad stood up without saying another word and left for work.
I sighed and looked down at my bowl of now bloated Cap'n Crunch. This day was already starting out just great.
^0-0^
Antsy. That's what I was, all day. Antsy.
I cleaned my room. I did my laundry. I did Emmett's laundry. I did my dad's laundry and I ironed his work shirts. I didn't even know how to iron. My mom kept giving me weird looks. She held her hand up to my forehead at one point.
"Are you feeling all right, Edward?"
"Yeah. Just antsy," I said as I pulled away from her and began unloading the dishwasher.
And I kept checking the time about every twenty minutes. I was supposed to pick Bella up at 5:30, but whenever I looked at the clock and the minutes ticked closer to 5:30, my heart raced and I couldn't figure out if I was excited or scared shitless.
Finally, at five minutes after five o'clock, I grabbed my car keys and headed into the garage. "I'm going out. Be right back!" I yelled to no one in particular.
I pulled out of the garage, honked as I passed Emmett's Jeep as he and Rosalie headed toward the house from the opposite direction, and turned out of the affluent neighborhood I'd spent my whole life in.
The closer I got to Bella's house, the stronger the butterflies got in my stomach. I turned on the radio to try to ease my nerves, but that didn't help because the station was playing Billy Jean, and all I could think about was how cute Bella had been the day before when she didn't think anyone was looking and she was dancing by herself in the parking lot.
Before I knew it, I was on her street, and my heart started racing even faster and my palms started to sweat. That was new. And then I pulled into her driveway and just sat there like a douche, too scared to do anything. And then I realized, I didn't know what I was supposed to do next.
Was I supposed get out of my car and meet her at the door, or was I supposed to wait for her to come outside? We hadn't discussed this detail when I invited her for dinner. Her truck was the only car in the driveway, which was a relief. If I did go inside, at least I wouldn't have to meet her dad. Not that I didn't already know her dad. When Chief Swan had showed up at our house with an obviously intoxicated Alice the night she got busted, I was the poor schmuck who answered the door. Since then, anytime he'd seen me out in public, he always gave me a look. I was quite sure he regarded me as having the same penchant toward juvenile delinquency as Alice and was just waiting for the day he could bust me as well.
Then I began to wonder, what if she wasn't even there? What if she was standing me up? I didn't think she'd be the type, but you never know about people, especially when it came to my luck. I could feel the panic rising through me and tried to reassure myself that she was there, and she wouldn't do that to me. Not the Bella I knew. Not the Bella who looked so vulnerable in the park the day before. Not the Bella who knew how it felt to be missing something very important in your life.
I took some deep breaths, and after a couple more minutes of waiting, and with my panic attack slowly receding, common sense finally won out, and I started to figure she probably didn't even know I was waiting. I most certainly would not honk though. That was in no way gentlemanly. But just as I reached for the keys to turn off the ignition, her front door swung open and she emerged wearing a plain black T-shirt that looked like she had stabbed it to death, a red shirt that peeked through the slashes underneath it, tight black jeans, and her leather jacket wrapped tightly around her. Oh, what I would have given to be that leather jacket.
She turned her back to me to lock her front door, and I noticed the colors in her hair were even brighter than they had been the day before. She must have repainted it or something. Then I couldn't help it, but my eyes started to wander, slowly, down to her…quit it, asshole.
I diverted my eyes just as she shoved her keys in her pocket and ran over, quickly jumping in my car and slamming the door. "Hi." There was that smile again.
"Hi."
Uncomfortable silence. Say something, douchetard. But she's smiling, and she smells so good, like she just stepped out of the shower and the steam is carrying the scent of her shampoo through the air and –
"So, is your family okay with me coming over for dinner?
"Huh, oh, erm, well, yeah, they don't really know."
"What do you mean they don't know? Didn't you tell them?"
"Well, no, not really. But it'll be okay. My mom loves having people over."
Bella was quiet for a minute, and I wondered if I did something wrong by not telling my mom she was coming over, but just as I was about to apologize, she smiled. "So, what did you do today?"
"Not much. Just kind of hung around the house. How 'bout you?"
"Pretty much the same. Charlie's been at work all day, so I just kind of sat around, watched some TV, you know?" She looked at me like she expected me to say something after that, but all I could do was look at her and nervously clear my throat.
"We should probably get going," I said finally, never looking away from her.
"Okay." She smiled. "Hey, Edward."
"Yeah."
"You should probably start driving then."
"Oh, yeah." I turned away from her, quickly because I could feel my face getting hot, and pulled out of her driveway. I couldn't help but feel slightly relieved, though. At least half of the hard part was over.
Bella talked and I laughed, albeit nervously, for most of the ride back to my house, about various subjects, but when we pulled into my neighborhood, she grew quiet. I wondered if she was okay, and I snuck a few sideways glances at her, but she was staring out her side window. Finally, we pulled into my driveway. I turned toward her, but she just kept facing forward, looking straight ahead.
"You live here?"
"Yeah, why, is something wrong?"
"No, it's just…big. I've never actually been inside a house this big before."
"Oh." I wasn't exactly sure what to say. The house wasn't a mansion or anything, but I guess maybe it was a bit bigger than she was used to.
"Well, it's…I don't know, it's just my house." I shrugged. "Do you want to come inside?"
She reached to unbuckle her seat belt, and before I even realized what I was doing, I put my hand on hers to stop her. Boy, was I getting ballsy. "Wait."
She looked up at me, and I quickly got out of the car and raced to her door, opening it for her. Then she looked at me and sighed as she climbed out of the car. "You're always going to do that, aren't you?"
"Yep." I smiled and then she smiled, and I could tell that whatever had been bothering her just moments before was gone.
Emmett had stolen my spot in the garage, so I led Bella inside the house through the front door and hung our jackets on the coat rack in the corner of the entryway. We followed the voices of my family around the corner and into the dining room where everyone but my dad was sitting, Jasper and Rosalie as well. They were all talking and laughing loudly while they munched on their pizza, not noticing us at first. Finally, I cleared my throat to get their attention. "Everyone, this is Bella. She's joining us for dinner tonight."
Five faces turned and looked up at us from the table, and you'd think I'd just popped out a second head or something. Alice's eyes grew wide in shock while Emmett's mouth dropped open and a partially chewed chunk of pizza fell out of it and onto the table.
Once the shock wore off, my mom stood up with a smile and walked over to us. "Hello, Bella. Please, make yourself at home," she said, leading Bella over to an empty seat at the table. I took the seat next to Bella and handed her a paper plate, then pulled the box of pizza toward us.
"Edward," Mom said, "aren't you going to introduce Bella to everyone?"
"Oh, yeah. Bella, this is my mom Esme, my sister Alice, her boyfriend Jasper, my brother Emmett, and his girlfriend Rosalie. My dad's at work, I guess."
"Nice to meet you, Bella," Jasper said while Alice barely even nodded, quickly focusing her attention back to her pizza, and Rosalie offered the normally shy smile she gave most people. Emmett on the other hand…
"Well ho-ly shit!"
"Emmett, watch your language!" my mom scolded.
"What did you do to my little brother?"
"Emmett! Don't be rude to our guest!" Mom continued then smiled warmly at Bella. "So, Bella, you're living with your dad now, is that right?"
"Yes, Mrs. Cullen."
"Please, call me Esme. How's your mom doing?"
"She's…good. You know my mom?" Bella asked, slightly taken aback.
"Mmm," Mom confirmed with a nod. "Small town. We all grew up here. Though I think your mom might have been the first to get out, at least of the kids I went to high school with. Next time you talk to her, tell her 'hi' from me."
"Sure thing, Mrs. Cullen."
"Esme."
Bella smiled. "Esme."
After that, dinner went pretty much as I had expected with Emmett once again dominating the conversation with questions to Bella about whether or not she had magic powers or knew some sort of Jedi mind trick that had hypnotized me into inviting her to the house, and Mom continued to yell at him.
Once we'd all finished eating, Alice and Jasper, who hadn't said much throughout dinner, went into the living room to watch a movie, and Emmett headed out to Rosalie's.
"Thank you for dinner, Esme. It was nice to meet you, Bella," Rosalie said, a more comfortable smile crossing her face this time.
"It was nice to meet you too, Rosalie. Maybe I'll see you around school more often."
"Later, Bella." Emmett winked at me as he led Rosalie out the door.
"Let me help you clean up, Mrs. Cullen," Bella offered after everyone else was out of the kitchen.
"First of all, what do I have to do to get you kids to call me Esme?" Mom, even with her tiny stature, still managed to somehow stand over us, her hands on her hips. "And secondly, you're our guest this evening, so you'll do no such thing. Edward, go show Bella around. I do expect her to come by more often now. She should learn where everything is and make herself at home."
Doing what I was told, I showed Bella around the first floor, where the guest bathroom was, and the garage, then took her upstairs to the second floor. I pointed out Emmett's, Alice's, and my bedroom, my dad's study, as well as the bathroom Emmett and I shared. "Alice has her own bathroom in her room. The little snot."
Then we walked up to the third floor, which housed my parents' bedroom and the attic-slash-piano room.
Bella instantly walked to the old, baby grand piano that my mom had inherited from my great grandmother before I was born, sat down on the edge of the piano seat, and lightly strummed some of the keys. "Can you play?"
I shook my head. "Not really. My mom made me take lessons for a couple years when I was little, but I can really only remember a couple of songs. I play a mean Chopsticks, though. I used to sit in here for hours and play it continuously just to drive Alice crazy." I laughed. "I got really good at it."
Bella smiled and scooted to the edge of the piano bench, patting the empty space next to her. "Well, rock me, Amadeus."
After a brief, nervous hesitation, I sat down next to her and our legs touched, which sent little chills all the way through me, and I wanted to keep touching her forever. Then I lifted my fingers to the keys, took a deep breath to calm my nerves, and played the most rousing version of Chopsticks I could muster for her.
When I was finished, she whooped and cheered like she was at some kind of rock concert or something. "With talent like that, you're definitely going to need a groupie, Edward."
I laughed. "You think?"
"Yep. And do you know who would make an excellent groupie?"
"Who?"
"Me, Edward. I would make an excellent groupie." She smiled and that shock of blue hair, much brighter than it had been before, fell into her face, and I couldn't help but shake the feeling that when she said "groupie," she actually meant something else, like another word that began with a "g" and ended in "friend," and I wasn't sure I could handle that yet. In fact, I knew I couldn't. I'd never had one of those before, and I didn't even know where to begin.
But as I looked at her blue hair, and her ripped up t-shirt, and her piercings, and everything that made Bella Bella, my mind raced and my heart beat out of my chest for what seemed like the millionth time that day, and there was one that thing I knew for sure. Bella was, well, she was like my own personal brand of methamphetamine, and I was destined to be just like all those people you see on that Cops show – toothless with a massive case of the shakes.