How is it that when people think of nightmares they still refer them to having a bad dream? Nightmares are a lot different to dreams. They are there to scare you, make you feel fear and show you darkness. Dreams, however, are happy thoughts in your head that you have whilst sleeping. Okay, not all dreams are great but when people explain their dreams different things come up but amongst them are animals, friends, family, celebrities (of course, who doesn't dream about their favorite celebrity?) and other things. But nightmares are different. No one wants to wake up terrified, not that she knows of anyway, instead of relaxed and refreshed. The thing is….Brittany is different.
Things changed after her mother met Jason. Yes, she became happy and Brittany wasn't about to ruin that, but as he made her mom happy, she got more and more unhappy. Especially after the first incident that happened. She hates revealing it but it's part of the reason Brittany has nightmares instead of dreams. She actually used to be a happy child when she was young. She loved life and playing with her friends, but now all she has are bad dreams with sleepless nights and comes home straight after school. She hates it but she can't change them. People say you're in control of your dreams but Brittany thinks differently. She knows it's your mind and you're not always in control. She knows the truth.
It's the same every night and Brittany is just glad her grandfather takes sleeping medication now. When his wife died, John hardly slept. He missed the comfort of her body next to his so when she does he became so bad that he was sleep deprived. He refused to go to the doctors upon request so his next door neighbor made him go. From then on John had sleeping medication to help. It actual works too but what benefit Brittany gets is her grandfather doesn't come in asking questions. That's all she cares about as well as his health.
Tossing and turning was what Brittany was doing in her bed. She had sweat covering her body and was trying to wake up but her body wasn't letting her. She gripped and un-gripped the sheets arching her back wanting to scream but no voice was to be heard. If someone was watching her, they'd be very concerned. She had these every night so she was used to them but that didn't mean she hated them any less. She didn't want them but she didn't have a choice in that. It was what she hated about nightmares. They were filled with fear, trauma and misery. Everything people hate the most.
Brittany jolted up in bed, swearing and panting looking around before reaching overturning the lamp on. She glanced around the room to make sure no one was there before reaching down for the towel beside her bed, which she put there every night before bed so she had something to use to wipe the sweat away. She picked it up moving it off her face and neck then throws it Into the hamper across the room. She laid back down in bed before sitting back up and moving her legs to the edge of the bed standing up and moving to get her glass of water. She puts a glass of water in her room every night too for after the nightmare to keep her hydrated. It helps her after sweating so much.
She makes her way back to the bed laying down and was about to switch off the light when she sees her phone on the side. She feels a pulling sensation as though she's meant to pick it up. She doesn't know why but instead of trying to get to sleep she picks her phone up laying on her back looking at it. She sees the conversation she had with Santana's the night previous and before she can stop herself, she types out a message.
To Santana: Hey, you awake?
She sent the text before she could change her mind. What was she doing? It was doubtful that she was even awake at this time. She looked at the time and noticed it was 4:26 am which is considerably early for a Saturday morning. So you can imagine her surprise when she heard her text tone go off when she was about to put her phone down. Brittany tried to ignore the thumping of her chest and the fluttery feeling In her stomach as she read the message.
From Santana: Hey! Yeah, I'm awake. What's up?
Should she tell Santana the truth or just lie? It wasn't as though she had to explain anything, right? She could just mention that she had a nightmare and leave it at that. Plus Santana had told her that she wouldn't pry into her business. She actually kind of wanted to tell Santana too but she wouldn't admit that. She typed out a response.
To Santana: I'm okay. I just had a nightmare and….I wanted to talk to someone I guess. Hope I didn't wake you up
She had no idea why but Santana was different to any other person she had met. She wanted to get to know her which is a lot more than other people in the past. She was popular at her last school but something always felt off. She had friends because she was popular and the head cheerleader not because of her personality.
Brittany shook her head and jumped slightly when her phone started to vibrate. Santana was calling her. Oh god, what was she meant to do now? Well, the obvious thing would be to answer so after taking a breath she pressed the accept button putting the phone to her ear.
"Brittany?"
She stayed quiet for a few moments before whispering a response. "Yeah, I'm here."
"How are you feeling? I mean...after the nightmare." Santana asks concerned.
Brittany looked down at her duvet wanting to tell her the truth about how she had these nightmares frequently, and it was all about the same thing. Her step-father hurting her. She wanted them to go away but how could she? The reason she hated them so much was due to the fact that it wasn't just a nightmare. It was a nightmare that had happened. It was real and she had to relive that memory every single night. She hated it so much but if she told her that then she would expose herself too much. She couldn't let that happen.
"I'm...okay," Brittany responded quietly. "I mean, I'm not, but I'll get there. It was just a nightmare after all. I didn't wake you, did I?"
She heard Santana chuckle through the phone and it made her heart skip a beat. It was the best sound to hear after what she had been through just now. It made her smile.
"You did, but don't worry about it. I'm more concerned about you than my sleeping pattern right now but thank you for being concerned about me."
"Always," Brittany whispered truthfully. "I'm sorry for waking you up. It's stupid for me to do that for a nightmare. I just wanted to talk to someone."
"Brittany, it's not as though you called me. You texted me and I responded so stop worrying and apologizing. I could have easily just ignored you and gone back to sleep."
They two of them just stayed on the phone not saying a word. It was all Brittany needed right now. She just needed the comfort of someone to help her sleep again. She only had one nightmare a night so she should be safe to go back to sleep. She was usually so it didn't worry her. What she was worried and scared about was how the cheerleader made her feel. She felt...safe. She hardly knew the girl and she felt safe knowing she was on the other end of the phone. She felt weak right now but that wasn't her main concern. She just needed to rest and relax and believe it or not, Santana was helping her just by being on the other end of the phone.
"Santana?"
"Yeah, Brittany?"
Brittany bit her lip. "Can you...stay on the phone...until I fall asleep?" Brittany asked feeling a bit stupid for asking, but she needed sleep.
"Of course. I'll hang up when I hear you sleeping, okay?" Santana agrees.
"Thank you," Brittany whispers getting comfortable in bed again closing her eyes.
She listened to the sound of Santana's breath as a way to keep herself calm. She kept her light on like she usually did after a nightmare but this time she had more than just her light to keep her calm, she had another person too. She heard Santana's breathing one last time before she drifted into a soothing sleep thinking of Santana this time instead of the image of Jason that her nightmares created every night.
Xxxxxxxxxx
After the conversation she had with Santana a few nights ago she had been avoiding contact with her. She made herself vulnerable to her and she hated that. Making yourself vulnerable gives them something to use against you and Brittany was not going to let that happen, she couldn't. Santana was amazing, she really was, and she did feel kind of bad for ignoring the texts she sent where she had asked her if she was okay and if she'd done something wrong. Brittany wanted nothing more than to pick up her phone and respond but what would she say? 'I know I opened myself up to you but I regret that now leave me alone'? It was rude and it wasn't fair. She helped her when she had one of her nightmares. Strangely enough, though, since her phone all with Santana when she had the nightmare, she's been able to sleep peacefully. It couldn't be connected, could it? No, it can't be. Why would Santana be the reason for her sleeping peacefully?
She was sat at the table eating her breakfast when she heard her phone go off again. She saw the message was from Santana, yet again. She sighed pushing her phone away continuing to eat her breakfast in silence. Her grandpa was washing the dishes when he came and sat down next to her looking at her concerned. Crap.
"Is everything okay?" Her grandpa asked. "You've not picked up your phone all weekend."
"I don't need to. I don't want that many friends since I want to focus on my studies."
"Every teenage girl needs friends, Brittany. Why don't you tell me the real reason?" He asked.
Brittany looked at her grandfather. She hadn't been very honest with him lately, for good reason, and she didn't want to keep everything from him. She loves him, a lot. Sighing she puts her spoon down.
"I had a nightmare the other night so to feel better I text this girl, Santana, explaining what was wrong." Brittany began feeling her heart race from nerves. "We texted and she eventually rang me. She just listened and I asked her to stay on the line until I fell asleep and she did. I even got a message in the morning with her saying she hopes I feel better."
Her grandpa nodded his head. "So what's the problem?"
"I opened myself up to her making me vulnerable! I don't want to make myself vulnerable to someone because they can use it against me."
John sighed and shook his head. Why would she feel like this? She used to be so happy but now…she's so broken. She's terrified of vulnerability.
"Honey, it's okay to allow yourself to be vulnerable. If she's a good person, which I assume she is since you seem to like her, then allow yourself to open up. It's okay."
Brittany shook her head. "No, because if I do, I'll never keep my walls up."
Smiling John stood up kissing her head. "Then give Santana the hammer to knock down the walls you've built."
She watched her grandpa walk away and sighed looking at her phone. He had a point but she wouldn't admit that. Brittany looked at her phone one last time before shaking her head and standing up. She could continue this debate later but how she had school so she picked up her bag, phone and iPod before calling out to her grandpa that she was leaving before walking out the house.
Once she arrived at school she was happy to see that Santana wasn't anywhere to be seen. She walked up to her locker to get her things together before the first lesson and, hopefully, be able to get to lesson without anyone, especially Santana, seeing her. She couldn't be doing with all of that today. She had thought about what her grandfather had told her but it didn't change her opinion. At the time she was grateful and still is to some respect, but after thinking about it, it had made her vulnerable and with the experience with life that she had had, she didn't need someone having the ability to get to her, no matter how pretty that said person was.
Making her way to her next lesson Brittany sat down in a seat which was available. She didn't particularly fancy like sitting next to anyone so she got a seat at the far back of the room like she did when she walked into her first classroom in the school. She preferred since it gave her space from everyone else so she could just study instead of worrying about other people talking to her. She didn't need that so she got on with getting her things out of her bag putting them on the desk. She heard everyone else talking amongst themselves and she somehow found comfort in the fact that she was surrounded by so many other people. It made her feel safe even if she didn't want to talk to anyone. When other people are around it meant you were less exposed and Brittany liked that. She needed that in her life at the moment even if they weren't particularly her friends. She doesn't recall knowing anyone in the room as a matter of fact. And an added bonus was that she didn't have to encounter Santana.
She did feel a little stupid acting the way she was but it was her way of dealing with things. She decided it was better this way before she did the move. She knew that being isolated was best since it meant not many people bothered you so you could just get on with your life. She remembered back at her old school in Phoenix that there was this girl in all her classes. She had dark hair, pale skin and was an average height for their age but she kept to herself. She didn't really work with anyone and when she was a cheerleader she never understood why someone would want that. She had loved the attention from other people and her friends but now...she understood completely. She wished she had made an effort to talk to the girl to find out her story but, of course, it was too late. She wasn't in Phoenix anymore and she wasn't popular but that was her own choice. She also found it was a lot less stress leaving the house since she didn't need to look perfect. Perfect was overrated anyway.
'Unless your name is Santana Lopez.' Brittany thought to herself before shaking her head. 'Damn inner thoughts.'
The lesson itself wasn't too bad once the teacher walked in. Unfortunately for her, it was that teacher from the car park so, of course, he would decide to keep her behind afterwards. She sighed when he called her name once she got to the door. She turned around making her way back into the room walking to his desk watching him clean the board whilst the other students leave the classroom. She gripped the handle on her bag before realizing he was probably going to be a while, so she decided to take a seat on top of one of the desks putting her bag on the floor waiting for him to finish.
She watched the teacher turn towards her giving her a small smile before walking towards the door pushing the door to walk back to his desk sitting in the chair. Brittany could hear the chattering of all the students whilst they walked to their lessons and she was stuck in here with a teacher. Well, there were worst places she could be at the end of the day.
"Brittany it's so nice to see you in one of my classes since the last time we spoke you were sitting in a tree." The teacher said with a smile. "How are you settling in?"
"Good, I think. I mean, it's not all that bad." Brittany responded with a shrug of her shoulders. "It could be worse, right?"
The man chuckled nodding his head. "This is true. Your parents thought it was a good idea to come here after all."
Um, actually, I live with my grandpa and he trusts my judgment completely, so he was happy to come along and vouch for me to study here." She explained with a small smile. "I do know my parents before you ask. I just...needed a break that's all and my grandpa was happy to take me in."
"You don't need to explain yourself to me. I'm happy that you are here and I wanted to check that you were okay. If you need anything, you let me know."
Brittany nodded her head "Thank you, sir."
"Call me Mr Schue. All the students call me that." The man said before getting up and walking to the door opening it. "Thank you for stopping and talking to me."
"Thank you for checking up on me," Brittany whispers before walking out and walking down the corridor towards the library.
Brittany wasn't sure exactly why the library came to mind when she walked away, but she didn't feel like thinking of another place to go so she went by that. It was a place where she knew not many people, meaning popular people, won't hang out which made it the perfect place for her. Upon entering she walked to a free table sitting down whilst putting her backpack on the surface looking through it for her book before taking it out along with her pencil case. She didn't have much to do but she may as well start on some school work now since she had nowhere else to be. According to her timetable, she had a free period so what better thing to do than school work? Well, actually, she could think of many things that were better than school work, but she had nowhere to go so school work it was.
People at her last school didn't realize this, but she was actually a very smart person. She was one of the reasons the Cheerleading squad did so well with their grades. She was the one tutoring and helping most of them to get their work done. She didn't mind back then, but now looking back she knew they were just using her for their own benefit. Most of the Cheerleaders that were on the team, and probably still are, were just stupid and yes that was a horrible thing to say since she wasn't perfect but it was true. Most didn't even know simple Math and as a captain that does look bad coming from the team, you are captain of. Now she couldn't care less, though. Yes, she struggles sometimes, but she's told herself that she doesn't need the help. She can handle what she struggles with alone.
She had started to look at the homework Mr Schue had given and didn't have a problem understanding before she got down to starting it. She had always loved English because it allowed her to be creative and allowed her to write whatever she wanted too. From her perspective in English, there were no wrong answers like in Math. There were opinions from different perspectives but not wrong answers. It was what she loved about it. It did look like work that had been set though so maybe he was covering. Who knows? She hadn't been there that long anyway. The homework was all about analyzing a piece of literature and going into depth about what it actually means. She loved the subject and always had since she was young so she got right into doing her work taking the piece of paper with the page of literature that went with it starting to analyze it. She always loved doing this because it gave her the chance to put her opinions into it and what she thought the meaning was between the lines. She wasn't sure how the teacher parked but if it was anything like her last teacher she should have a good chance at high marks.
She had been sat doing her homework for the past hour that she jumped in surprise when the bell signaling break time went off. She looked around noticing everyone else leaving but why should she get up and leave? She had nowhere to be or anyone to meet so she might as well enjoy the silence for a while longer and get her homework done. Damn, she really did sound like a nerd, but she didn't care. She loved the subject and she wasn't going to deny it to anyone. She picked up the piece of paper looking over it to make sure she had written down all the notes she could before she picked up her pen and began writing the actual homework down. She had to go through this thoroughly to be able to get a good mark on the subject. She was determined to make that happen. When you're good at something you may as well embrace that, right?
"Brittany?"
She heard that voice and even though it made her melt inside, she did not want it to. Santana. She didn't want Santana to affect her like she did even though she had been the one who text her in the middle of the night. She just instantly thought of the Latina when she had the nightmare which was the reason behind the text she sent. Looking back, she was glad she text the girl but it just made her feel vulnerable and that scared her. She couldn't have hidden forever and she knew that deep down. She looked up to see Santana standing there in her Cheerios uniform looking down on her with a concerned look on her face.
"What are you doing here?" Brittany mumbled looking back down at her work fiddling with her pen. "I didn't think cheerleaders came to the library."
"They don't usually but I've been looking for you and I figured you'd want to be alone so I thought of here," Santana answered shuffling her feet on the ground. "I can go if you'd rather be alone."
Deep down there was a voice screaming telling her to tell her to go so she could be alone and be in her own thoughts but her heart was telling her to allow the girl to sit down and join her which made her thoughts completely conflicted. Why did she feel like this? Why did this girl want to be around her? And on another note, why did she want her to be around? She sighed looking up at the girl before kicking the chair back to offer the seat to her hearing the Latina sit down in the chair beside her. She knew she couldn't have told her to go away even if she tried so this was the only option apparently.
"What are you doing?" Santana asked after a few minutes of silence between them. "Homework?"
"English. Mr Schue was the teacher but he doesn't look like an English teacher so maybe he's the substitute or something." She said looking at Santana with a small smile. "I love English. I love being able to be creative and not having to worry about the teacher telling me I'm wrong. I just...I love it. It's my favorite subject for definite."
"I love English too but we must be in different classes. What room are you in for it?" Santana asked curiously.
Looking at her timetable, Brittany spots what she was looking for. "I was in room E11."
Santana gave her an impressed look. "You're in the top English class. You must be good. Your usual teacher is Mrs Carter but she's off sick today. You'll love her, though. I've had her as a substitute before and I loved her."
Smiling Brittany nodded her head looking at her work. She wasn't sure how to feel right now because Santana was just trying to be her friend, which she had allowed at that, but something just...something felt different. She knew it was because she felt her heart beating faster and her hands were sweaty but she didn't want to admit that. Looking up at the Latina all she could notice was how beautiful she looked. She imagined how it would look down with her regular clothes on and it made her heart beat even faster. She couldn't hear herself think and it was annoying her because she needed to concentrate on her work. In some respect, though, she didn't want to. She wanted to just spend time with Santana but that meant she would get closer to her and that was not something she wanted. She needed some distance between them.
"I'm sure I will like her," Brittany said with a nod of her head trying not to stare too much. "Haven't you got to be at cheer practice or something?"
She watches Santana look at the time before standing up abruptly. "Crap, I do have to go. I'll see you soon, okay?"
Brittany nodded smiling watching her leave before letting out a sigh of relief. She honestly thought she'd have to deal with her heart beating a mile a minute for all of the break but luckily it was cut short. At least it was only Santana trying to get to know her. Well, there was Kurt but he hadn't come up to her or anything. He only gave her the occasional smile when they saw each other and that was enough. Ugh, why did women have to be so complicated? It made it so much harder to be around them! Brittany sighed and got back to her work. She was determined to get at least a paragraph done before the bell went off again. With that thought in mind, she got straight back to work focusing on nothing but the work in front of her.
Xxxxxxxxxx
The park was probably one of the places in Lima that didn't suck all that bad. She looked around and noticed how everything just looked perfect. The grass was cut, flowers were planted and the trees looked like something she had only seen in pictures with their perfection. The sun was also beaming down on her face which was nice saying that it was April. She had decided to come here after school to clear her head from everything but, frankly, it wasn't helping. Santana kept popping into her head making her realize that she definitely had a crush. She wouldn't leave her mind and when they were close, her heart beat like crazy along with the fact that her hands always began sweating like they usually did when she was shy or nervous. It was better than blushing or going red so she was doing well so far when she was around.
She didn't understand why Santana was as captivating as she was, but Brittany suspected it was because she was the type of girl she usually goes for. It was nothing unusual but, then again, it wasn't normal either. She hadn't felt like this since her ex-girlfriend, which was definitely not a good thing since she's pretty sure she still has some feelings for Isla. They ended because she was moving here so if she moved back they could easily get back together and be happy. But moving back was not an option right now. She just...she felt safe where she was and she liked that feeling. Back home it was difficult to feel safe. She only felt safe at school and sometimes she still felt unsafe then because Jason was able to just go in and take her out, which he had done before. He had once lied to the school telling them she had a doctor's appointment when she didn't and she even tried arguing saying she didn't, but they obviously believed him over her. He was the adult and she was the child in their eyes, so she just looked like a girl who didn't like the doctors and that was exactly what Jason acted on. Her fear.
When she found out about her mother she was distraught. She had no idea how to feel when the police came round telling them that she had been in a car accident and was now in a coma. Jason had put her arm around her to comfort her but she hated it. She had nowhere else to live that was close which meant she had to live with Jason. She just felt scared from that point onwards. Every look he gave Brittany made her shiver. She wanted to leave so many times but what stopped her was the fact that she wanted her mom to wake up and tell her everything was going to be fine. Maybe she would tell her what happened but nothing ever happened. Her mother stayed in the coma and she continued to live with Jason with every day going by so slow it was unbelievable. She wanted to tell her mom everything that was going on but she couldn't. Would she even hear? What if she died and that was the last thing she heard her say? No. She went to visit every day pretending that things were fine, even though everything she said was a huge lie.
She sighed moving her hands over her face not wanting to think of her life back in Phoenix, but it made her who she is It broke her; ruined her. She wasn't the happy girl she used to be. No. She was drawn back, cautious and hated people getting too close to her. She missed all of her friends but she knew if they saw her they'd take one look and walk away. Not Isla though. It's one of the reasons they fell in love so easily, Isla was different to everyone else. Caring, passionate and let's not forget independent. She didn't need Brittany to be her girlfriend, she wanted Brittany to be her girlfriend because she liked her. It was how they got along so well and it shocked everyone how well they did get along. It never bothered them though because they were in their own little world of happiness and love with a wall around them no one could break. Well...until she had to go.
- October 2013 -
Brittany was sat in her room with her girlfriend cuddled into her whilst they watched Finding Nemo on TV. It was Isla's favorite animated movie so she knew they'd end up watching it when she flicked through the channels and it came on. She didn't mind though since she had a lot on her mind at the moment and it stopped her girlfriend asking her questions about what was wrong. They had both started their Junior year in high school and were looking forward to spending the time together but Brittany knew that wouldn't be happening. She couldn't live at the house anymore. She just couldn't. She knew her girlfriend would be fine with her staying at hers but Jason would find her and bring her back to living hell and she couldn't take that. She just couldn't. There was a problem, though. She hadn't exactly told her that she was planning on leaving. She knew it was going to break her heart
She just knew that she needed to protect her. It was all to protect Isla as well as protecting herself and her friends. Jason was not a man to be trusted but she knew telling her friends and Isla, where she was going, wasn't an option either. They would be the first people he contacted for information s she had to do this. She just had to. She couldn't take the pain anymore and every person deserves to be happy no matter what that idiot of a man says. She needs happiness in her life again and the only way that will happen is to run for it and go live elsewhere and study elsewhere. It would be hard to get away but she had to, For her own safety.
"Babe?" Isla mumbled quietly.
"Mm?"
"I love you." She smiled placing a kiss on her shoulder with a smile making Brittany smile.
"I love you too, baby," Brittany responded kissing her girlfriend's head moving her hand over her back. "Never forget that, alright?"
Isla looked up with a questioning look. "Will you not be around to tell me or something?"
She could have told her right then. She could have told her that she was leaving and wouldn't be back until Jason was locked up but she didn't Instead she gave Isla a loving smile, a kiss on the lips and held her close to show how much she loved the girl. Basically, she lied right to her face without her knowing giving her false hope. Yeah...she was a bitch.
"I'll be here forever. I'm always going to be around to tell you I love you every single day, okay? I'll even phone you up every night to tell you in case you forget. How does that sound?"
Isla giggled kissing her softly and nodded her head looking into her own blue eyes whilst she looked right back into her chocolate brown eyes, which she had grown to love over the past two years since they met.
"That sounds perfect. I love you, Brittany Pierce." Isla says honestly with love in her eyes resting her hand over her heart. "So much. I can't imagine not having you here with me."
"I love you too, Isla Jones. I promise you'll never have to live without me because here is where I'll always be." Brittany replied with a smile.
- 2014 -
She missed moments like that with Isla and she would never be able to get them back. They were gone to nothing but memories. She didn't expect Isla to ever forgive her after what she did. She deserved better anyway and now that they were apart she could find someone to love that deserved her, unlike her. Shaking her head, Brittany stood up stretching her legs and arms looking over the pond once more before picking up her bag making her way back to her grandpa's.
She was walking back when she felt her phone vibrate. She was surprised since she hadn't text anyone recently and Santana was at cheer practice. She opened the message up and saw Jason had texted her. Fear filled her body instantly and all she could think about was getting home to her grandpa's. Should she report it? No, he would know. She decided to ignore it. Maybe it would just go away and he would leave her alone. She knew that wasn't going to happen so she made a run for her grandpa's house getting inside to her room. Arriving, she closed the curtains making sure the windows were locked before locking the bedroom door. She moved back to the bed leaning against the headboard with her knees against her chest wrapping her arms around them trying to protect herself as much as possible. Looking at the phone on the side, she saw the message flashing. Her heart beat fast in fear so she buried her face in her knees letting tears fall slowly from her eyes.
From Jason: I will find you, Brittany. You can try and hide but I will find you.