"You'll remember what, exactly?"
The voice behind me is cold and startling and I gasp but Isshin is still holding onto my hands, gently stroking my knuckles and for some reason, it makes me feel slightly better.
Slightly.
"Easy, Ryuu, he's been -"
"Don't call me that."
"At least show a little sympathy toward your son!"
Oh.
Ryuuken... Ishida.
Their conversation continues without me, but I can hardly hear them anyway with the blood pounding in my ears.
Remember...
I have to remember...
The darkness...
It's everywhere.
The crawling... the pain...
"... someone... ...anyone... ...help..."
The voice is so small, I can barely hear it, but I can feel the tears on my cheeks and the shattering in my chest.
I try to move toward the voice, but every bone in my body is on fire and the chains are too restricting.
Footsteps.
Bones cracking.
My heart is racing now, and I'm trembling horribly.
"Snap out of it!"
Something lands next to me with a squelch, and I know I don't want to look, I know I can't look, but I have to, and my head is turning.
Blood.
Blank, un-seeing eyes are staring at me out of a little girl's face, widened in pain and fear.
Your Fault.
I can hear him laughing, but the voice is distorted.
Your Fault.
I know why it's distorted.
I'm sorry...
Your Fault.
"Uryuu!"
I'm next.
I'm screaming and I can't stop. My throat and eyes are burning but I can't stop. My head whips back and forth along with my body and my hands move on their own to push away the monster but both of my wrists are captured and I'm flung onto my back.
There's several faces in my line of sight now, every single one of them being Yuzu's broken, accusing stare, and I can't take it.
I squeeze my eyes shut, desperately trying to drown out the high pitched screams and wails from the darkness, my body flailing in every direction it can, even though I know there's no point.
There was never a point.
It's all my fault...
"- come back to me, Uryuu..."
... Ichigo...?
I swallow roughly, wincing as the motion sears past my throat before dropping like lead into the pit of my stomach.
Carefully I crack one eye open, knowing how dangerous it is to hope.
I don't want to hope.
I'll never escape.
But it's Ichigo looming over me, taking my face in his hands and forcing me to meet his steady gaze.
I let loose the breath I wasn't aware I was holding, and now I'm gasping, trying to regain any kind of air in my lungs.
Ichigo...
"Uryuu, it's alright. I'm here."
My vision goes blurry but I think I see him smile a little as my body starts to relax. My breathing is still heavy, but the sound of blood rushing through my ears is easing, and I'm starting to make out the two other faces behind Ichigo.
Isshin... and... Ryuuken.
I'm still... outside.
But I was...
Wasn't I...?
My confusion and frustration must have been written on my face, because now Ichigo is pulling me off the grass and shushing me, smoothing a hand over my hair and clothes, sweeping off wayward blades of green.
There's a sharp sigh above me and when I look, Ryuuken is running a hand through his own hair, staring at the sky.
So he doesn't have to look at me.
... I wouldn't look at me either.
"I trust you'll look after them while I'm away."
"Always." Isshin answers quietly.
Then Ryuuken is walking away and I can't help the feeling of relief that he's finally gone. My body is rocking and there's strange sounds coming out of my mouth, and it takes me a few seconds to realize just how hard I'm sobbing, but Ichigo squashes me against his chest and I can feel my own chest breaking into millions of shards.
Somehow I know Isshin is talking to me, or to the both of us, but his words make no sense to me.
Why do I feel so... lost?
What's wrong with me?!
Why am I acting like this...?!
But then Ichigo's face is in front of mine again; I feel his hands on my shoulders and we're an arm's length apart and he's smiling at me like I'm not some kind of trembling, weeping mess.
"Let's go inside, Uryuu."
... How can you look at me?
Ichigo helps me stand even before I can say anything, throwing my arm over his shoulders and supporting me the entire ten steps to the back door.
... How can you stand to be around me...?
The door opens and we walk into a kitchen. Ichigo sets me down in a chair at the table and I lose sight of Isshin as Ichigo sits down next to me.
... Right... Ichigo doesn't know.
Ichigo takes one of my hands in his, smoothing over my knuckles with his thumb and I can feel the churning in my mind begin to slow.
I... remember. Ichigo always did this for me. When I would wake from a nightmare... when I would have a flashback... ... when the chains were too tight, and our hands were the only parts we could reach...
I look down at our hands, watching the slow glide of his thumb over each one of my knuckles, tracing the same pattern with my eyes. Sometimes... it was the only thing that let me know we were going to be okay. To know someone was there with me... to help me...
"I know!"
Ichigo's voice startles me, and I jump, my eyes flying to his face, but he seems as surprised as I am before he starts laughing and gently lets go of my hand.
"Sorry, sorry, didn't mean to scare you. But I've got an idea!"
He jumps from his seat before I can force my tongue to move, and then he's gone. I turn in my chair, but my movements are still uncoordinated and my body is unwilling to respond correctly, and I barely catch myself from tipping over the chair and falling.
... And then, just like last time...
I'm alone.
I can still feel the lingering but fading warmth on my hand where Ichigo's thumb had been, but I feel like I'm melting into the ground. Fresh, hot tears wet my cheeks but all I can do is stare at my empty hand.
Ichigo...
I have to remember why he shouldn't go back...
... But if I remember...
I hear footsteps behind me and I'm out of the chair, stumbling and tripping over the chair and table. I stagger, trying to force my legs to work, to move, to RUN, but then strong hands grip my shoulders and steady me, and Ichigo's face is in front of mine again.
He looks worried as he tries to pull me over to the table again, but my chest tightens and aches because if he knew what I had done...
"Uryuu, hey..."
My eyes snap back toward his face, but my vision's all blurry again and my frustration snaps. I accidentally smack my face a couple times with my knuckles trying to quickly wipe away the tears, but each one I wipe away becomes three more and I don't understand why I can't stop crying.
I just don't understand anything anymore...
"Easy now... it's alright... Hey, look at this."
I don't want to.
My hands give up trying to correct the damage and instead press over my eyes to hide them, but Ichigo pulls my hands out of the way and I can't help but look at him.
... Stop being nice to me...
... Why can't you see...?
He's gesturing to the table, where a small satchel now lay, unlocked and barely open. I stare at it blindly for several seconds, but it takes Ichigo encouraging me before I can make my shaky hands move toward it.
... You don't understand either...
I open the bag and reach in, pulling out a box full of brightly colored string on spools, sorted by various shades of color, with a pin cushion of pins and needles and a thimble in their own little compartment of the box. It all looks so neat, and organized, and...
...
"What... is... all this...?"
Ichigo's bright smile falls a bit, and I bite down on my lip. I've disappointed him again.
And I'll do it again, and again, and again, and-
Your Fault.
"Well," Ichigo starts, and his smile is back but it's too fake and it doesn't fool me. "There for a while, sewing kinda helped you focus your mind a little. Gave you something to think about other than... well. Things you didn't want to think about. I just thought..."
The fake smile had already faded, but the words made sense. I look back at the thread, then look down at my hands, wondering if it was true.
Do I really know how to sew?
"You don't have to."
His words sound clipped, like he thinks I'm going to reject his idea, though I honestly don't think I even remember what to do with the kit from here.
"We can find something else to do. How about movies? Or manga? I've got a new-"
"Ichigo..."
My voice stops us both cold. I know he's waiting on me to continue, but suddenly my tongue is frozen.
Your Fault.
It's hard to breathe again, and my hands are shaking, but I'm too weak.
... I can't.
I reach for the box of thread, and clumsily click it open.
... I can still see her eyes.
"Oh! Right, I'll see if I can find something you can patch up!"
He sounds so excited, I can't even bring myself to look at him.
Your Fault.
I hear him launch out of his chair again, but this time I barely even notice he's gone.
... I can't do it.
.
.
.
Because if I remember why Ichigo shouldn't go back...
.
.
.
Then I'll remember why Ichigo hates me...
Selfish.
Weak.
Your Fault.
Burden.
Your Fault.
Monster.
.
.
.
... I can't...