I came back to reality again after a minute or four. Kakashi was snuggled up into my chest, breathing slow and even, already asleep in my arms. At first it was nice, I recognized the way I was looking at him. It was the same way Genma and Mai looked at each other, the same gaze that had existed between Hayate and Yugao. Love. But then I remembered something. My love was one-sided. The man sleeping against my chest didn't love me, couldn't love me, and probably would never be able to love me. He could choose to leave me just as easily as he had done in ANBU; he could disappear from my life as quickly now as he did then. The pain of this realization and memory, especially after what we'd just shared, was deep enough to take my breath away. My chest tightened and I couldn't breathe. Of course he would leave me. What could I offer him? What made me special enough for him to look beyond the sex? Why should he allow himself to feel something for lowly old me? I was nothing, a lightweight alcoholic, a vegetable gambler, a fake copy of the First Hokage, an angry lazy slob. Nothing important. Especially not to him.

I knew he had his own issues, his own horrific past, but the way he treated me after I told him I was falling in love with him clearly meant he wasn't even remotely interested in repairing his broken emotions. He spoke of the importance of friends, yet as soon as I'd offered him everything, he had run. If it was from a fear of relationships, he would have come back. He would have eventually let me in again, right? I'd said we could go slow, I'd never felt this way before, I just wanted him near me all the time, to be able to approach him whenever I needed comfort or hug him when I could see fear in his eyes. I'd offered myself to him in any way that he wanted me: a friend, a lover, a sex partner, anything that would let me be on good terms with him. He'd refused them all and reverted quickly to his teasing, closed-off self. It had felt as though he was making fun of me. As if he'd wanted me to fall for him just so he could hurt me later. As if it were all just part of a sick bet. I expected others to prey on my inexperience with the outside world, but never him. He meant too much to me from the beginning. My worries seemed unfortunately all too possible. Everyone else made fun of me in some way, why shouldn't Kakashi take his turn? And because he was the famous Copy-Nin, of course his should have the best prank, effect the most damage, push me the most forcefully into my rightful place at the bottom rung.

All the feelings of that time rushed into my head and my heart. I pushed Kakashi roughly off of me and stood up.

"Tenzo?" He asked, blearily confused, half-waking up. "What's wrong?" As if he cared.

I just walked away from him and opened the back door. I turned back to say one thing.

"Fuck you." My carefully sewn-up heart broke into its old pieces. I slammed the door behind me.

As I made my way back up to our sleeping room though, I couldn't stop myself from looking out the window, back down at him. He'd moved, his knees pulled into his chest, arms wrapped around them, plume of silver hair sticking out of the little ball he'd curled himself into. I felt another deep ache, a desire to run back down and wrap his fragile body back into my arms. I might have, too, if I didn't hear my name whispered in the dark.

"Captain Yamato, is everything alright?" A soft, gentle voice, the moonlight caught a strand of pink hair.

"Yes Sakura, Kakashi-senpai and I just wanted to talk through some strategy without waking you all up," I said, the lie coming easily from my mouth. She nodded as if this made sense and shifted back into sleep.

I laid down on my own sleeping roll, knowing full well that the post-orgasm lull was not coming to me tonight. Kakashi would take guard in an hour to let Gai rest; I would take the guard a few hours later so Kakashi and Sai could head to the village before a majority of the civilians woke up. I didn't want to face him again. Not for as long as possible.

I squeezed my eyes shut and forced myself to think happy thoughts. My friendships with Genma, Laori, Raido, Yugao, a multitude of other ANBU teammates. I had filled the empty space from Kakashi with all of them. Genma's teasing had surprisingly always been the most tame when I first started at ANBU, he had been the first to help heal my heart even if he hadn't realized it. Raido followed a close second. Laori's near-constant presence in my life for the last several years filled a lot of my loneliness. Yugao was one I could always call on for dinner if I needed a distraction, she talked philosophy and was excellent at dragging my mind from angst-y places. I had people, they were good to me, they cared for me, and that was important.

I drifted in and out of sleep enough to feel slightly refreshed and semi-ready to relieve Kakashi of guard duty. I stretched out my chakra to find him perched on the roof. I took a deep, calming breath and went up to meet him.

"Hey, Senpai," I said gently, making sure my footsteps were also loud enough across the roof so I wouldn't startle him.

"Yo," he replied, as though a few hours ago never happened. I guess that was easier anyway, not like I wanted to talk about it at all. There was a question in his eye as he turned to look at me. I had no idea what it was and decided to ignore it.

"Anything I should be keeping an eye on?" I asked, sitting a polite distance away from him but still close enough to carry a quiet conversation.

He hesitated before answering; I could feel his eye watching me.

"I'm sorry. For everything I've done to make you say that," he said, barely above a whisper. I shifted uncomfortably at the apology, he doesn't make those often. I also still did not want to talk about it now.

"You hurt me. A lot. It's over. We move on," my sentences came out short and clipped, trying to convey my desire to him.

"I know, I was horrible to you." I glared at him.

"Yes, Senpai."

"I'm sorry." I sensed that he was waiting for me to say something forgiving, that he wanted me to be closer to him than I was. He wouldn't apologize more than once if he wasn't waiting for a certain response. I couldn't do it. I felt icy.

"So, is there anything I need to focus on in the near future for the safety of our team or the sake of our mission?" I asked again, elaborating my initial question to make sure he got the point. Kakashi stood, walked over to me, leaned down, and breathed in my ear.

"Please be careful." And then he was gone. I let the shiver run down my back. When was I not careful? And he had no right to get up in my personal space like that. I crossed my arms over my chest and let myself pout for a few minutes before remembering I was actually supposed to be guarding my teammates.

A short one, I know, and not exactly happy, but I'll have something good to make up for it this weekend!