NB: I do not own anything of NCIS :(

I'm going to use some NCIS original dialougues, but in a different contest.

Thank you to all of you for your support and reviews/alerts :)

Thank you to my Amazing BR, usa123!
I can't find the right words to thank you for your patience :D

"The Perfect Murder"

Chapter 6.

Tony was trying to sleep but wasn't having much success. He kept tossing and turning. He had been so restless since his return from Israel, where he had unsuccessfully tried to take Ziva back to DC with him. The NCIS Agent still didn't completely understand why the Israeli woman had decided to stay in Israel where she didn't have family, instead of going back to DC with him and letting her NCIS family help her.

I need to do it for him.

Who?

Gibbs.

Tony couldn't deny that Ziva's answer had surprised and hurt him. So Gibbs was the reason behind Ziva's need to change everything in her life... to redeem and change herself.

What about me?

Tony didn't understand why he felt this way. He had been by Ziva's side anytime she needed help and even when she rejected him. She was his friend, his partner on the job. She was part of the family.

Was she more?

Tony literally threw away his beloved comforter and, after a brief visit to the bathroom, he took a small bottle of water from the fridge and collapsed on his black sofa. He turned on the big TV over the fireplace and started channel surfing, looking for something to distract him or bore him enough to make him fall asleep.

It didn't work.

Tony couldn't deny that, the first time he saw Ziva entering the bullpen, he had felt some attraction for her, but she had immediately ruined the magic with her arrogant attitude. Over the years, they had become partners, though sometimes Tony still wondered how was it possible for a Mossad assassin and spy to work for a US federal agency and have free access to all of its secrets.

Was Eli David that powerful?

Despite his efforts, the SFA kept reliving what had happened in Israel: he had tried any possible way to bring Ziva back—he had even begged her—but he only received a firm no and a final "You are so loved".

What am I? A puppy? After all that happened between us?! Tony shook his head. Idiot! Idiot! Idiot! he cursed himself.

"What was I thinking?!" he growled as he nervously stood up and headed to the window.

I told her I was ready to change with her...WHY?!

Okay, I'm not perfect...but why did I think I needed to change so much?

Tony turned and looked around his place. Then he slowly sat down on the bench of his piano.

Why was I so desperate to get her back to DC with me? Why was I so scared of losing her?

Tony shook his head, rubbed his eyes then stood up.

His tired eyes landed on the bowl where Kate, the goldfish, was swimming around happily. "Kate," he whispered. "You'd glare and headslap me silly, if you knew what I did," he chuckled. "You'd be really mad at me."

What do you see when you look at him, Agent DiNozzo?

Man works his whole life. Dedicates himself to his job. And he has nothing to show for it.

How does that make you feel?

...Afraid.

Tony frowned as his talk with Kate's sister Rachel came to his mind. "I'm afraid... I'm still afraid," he whispered, barely audible.

I'm a good agent, Dr. Cranston... a really good one.

I know and so do a lot of other people... But you can be more. Has anyone ever told you that?

It was during that conversation with Rachel that Tony had flashed back to his stay in isolation, specifically his discussion with Kate about who was stronger between them and why she hadn't been sick. "You stayed for me. To keep me alive by fighting with you," he 'told' the goldfish.

Maybe Agent Todd was hard on you because she knew what you were capable of. Too bad she never got a chance to tell you that.

"I wish you were here, Kate. You're the only woman who saw behind my many masks...you and Jeanne," Tony lightly tapped the bowl. "And I lost both of you."

Suddenly a thought crossed his mind. Oh, God!

Ziva...that's... I... da*n!

At that moment, a peremptory knock on the door stopped his musing. Who could that possibly be?! Tony rolled his eyes.

Another strong knock. "I'm coming!" DiNozzo yelled. "What the hell is..." he opened the door. "Gibbs?"

"We've got a lead. Be ready to leave in five," Gibbs said. Then he turned and headed towards the stairs without giving Tony the chance to open his mouth. "I'll be in the car!" he added before going downstairs.

Tony looked at the stairs, confused, as he rubbed the nape of his neck. "Yes, boss. Sure, sir. At your orders, Gibbs," he angrily mumbled as he entered his room to dress.

He pulled on a pair of faded jeans and yanked a grey OSU sweatshirt over his black t-shirt, then ran down the stairs and joined Gibbs in the NCIS sedan.

As soon as Tony closed the car door, Gibbs started towards their destination at full speed.

"So? What's the lead?" Tony asked as he looked out of the window, trying to figure out where they were heading.

"Surveillance cameras show a guy leaving the alley where police found the car that killed Corporal Cash and then catching a cab," Gibbs lied.

"Good," Tony replied. "Do we know where the cab took him?"

Gibbs let out a deep exhale. At the moment, he hated Tony's curiosity, even though it made him an excellent investigator. Just this once, why can't you just accept what I tell you as McGee would do?

"We're almost there," he curtly answered as he looked for a perfect place to stop.

Tony just nodded.

After a few miles, Gibbs parked the car in front of a house, not far from a park.

"16th Street," Tony read. "And now we wait."

Gibbs nodded and got comfortable in the seat. Tony got comfortable as well and they spent the next half hour in companionable silence.

"You can shut your eyes for a few minutes, DiNozzo," Gibbs startled his SFA. "You look like cr*p," he grinned.

"Thank you, Gibbs. You're always so kind," Tony sarcastically replied.

"It looks like you haven't slept in years."

"Feels that way too." Tony rubbed his eyes.

Gibbs waited for Tony to start explaining what was going on but his SFA surprised him with complete silence.

This is going to be harder than I thought, the team leader thought.

Fifteen minutes passed without a word but Gibbs could feel that Tony's defenses were crumbling. The younger man kept looking at him as if he was trying to figure out what his boss was thinking.

"I don't remember the last time I had a good night sleep," Tony finally gave in and a half grin appeared on Gibbs' face.

Here we go, he thought but he didn't say anything out loud, in hopes that Tony wouldn't need any encouragement to continue.

"I know it's affecting my job and I'm sorry—"

"Never said that," Gibbs cut him off.

"But you think it, don't you?"

"I didn't know you could read my mind, Tony," he said as he kept looking at the house they were 'watching'.

"Sometimes," Tony half-smiled and saw Gibbs nodding. "I wish I could now," he whispered.

These last words surprised Gibbs and made him frown. He turned and looked Tony in the eyes for the first time since the night his SFA had burst in his bedroom, gun at the ready.

The Team Leader saw sadness, loneliness, worry and... fear.

Tony's never afraid.

They stared each other for what felt like an hour but in reality was only a few seconds. Then, DiNozzo averted his eyes and looked out the windscreen.

No. This time you won't avoid me, DiNozzo!

"What's going on, Tony?" Gibbs asked. Concern and care were clear in his voice and this hit the younger man harder than the worst headslap he had ever gotten from his Boss.

"I..." he swallowed hard, "I'm afraid," he whispered.

"That's why you burst into my house with your gun in hand?" Gibbs asked and, at Tony's nod, he frowned again. "What are you afraid of?"

"Losing people." Tony's voice was so low that Gibbs almost missed what he said.

"It's part of our job, DiNozzo. We already had this conversation when Cassidy's agents were killed."

Tony nodded slowly. "It's not just the job." He took a deep breath and after a few minutes he continued, "I failed."

"Failed?" Gibbs frowned.

"I thought I knew someone and now..." Tony took another deep breath and looked out of the window. "You all are paying for it," he said, sotto voce.

"Who's paying, Tony?" Gibbs asked, confused.

"Everyone. I just feel like I made a mistake. Like I made the wrong decision. Only it wasn't me who decided."

"Then who made the decision?"

"Ziva."

Gibbs' blue eyes widened. "You can't sleep because Ziva decided to stay in Israel?"

"Yes... I mean, no...sort of."

"DiNozzo…" Gibbs made that surname sound like a scold.

"It's complicated," Tony tried to explain. "Too complicated," he sighed as he rubbed his face.

"You feel responsible for her not returning?"

Tony nodded and Gibbs rubbed his face in frustration.

"Tony, she decided to stay in Israel and there was nothing you could do to make her change her mind."

"I know," Tony replied.

"So, why?!" Gibbs exclaimed, frustrated.

"No one will say her name. Have you noticed?" Tony turned on his seat and looked at his Boss. "It's like she's dead. Every time I look at her desk, every time I close my eyes...I just feel like I made a mistake." Tony laid his head back against the headrest and closed his eyes.

"You didn't, Tony," Gibbs tried to reassure him without so much success.

"So why doesn't anyone say her name?!" Tony replied, really annoyed. Without waiting for an answer, he added, "because I failed. I didn't bring her back and now all of you blame me and are suffering because of my failure!"

Oh, God! Gibbs sighed and mentally headslapped. Why didn't I see this?

Tony misunderstood his Boss' silence and added, "See? You thought I—"

Gibbs finally knew what he needed to do. "Stop!" he barked and saw Tony's eyes widen in surprise. "No one blames you for Ziva's absence. She decided to stay in Israel. It was her decision not yours. Period."

"So why do they not talk about her then?"

"Maybe because we were sure she would come back, after she told us many times that we were her only family?" Gibbs raised his eyebrows. "Tony, we don't blame you," he continued, and when he caught the younger man's doubtful look, he added, "I don't blame you."

"Even though I lied to you when I told you I didn't know where Ziva was? Gibbs...she was right there with me." Tony lowered his eyes.

"I knew."

"You did?" Tony asked surprised and Gibbs nodded. "How?"

"Thanks to you, DiNozzo," he grinned. "Or did you think I didn't notice you looking to your left? You were looking at her, don't you?"

"So you understood," Tony grinned back, relieved that his relationship with his Boss hadn't really changed, despite everything they had been through. They still knew what the other was thinking or trying to tell the other.

"Yeah," Gibbs shook his head as a half-smile graced his face. "And I told you to keep digging because I knew you needed to time to make her change her mind, even though I had the feeling she wouldn't come back." Gibbs shifted in his seat so he could look out the windscreen again.

"I tried everything but she was so firm in her decision. She said she needed to do it for you." Tony looked at his Boss and saw him frown.

"Me?" Gibbs shook his head. "Why?"

"Don't know."

They spent the next ten minutes lost in their thoughts—too many things that still needed to be said and explained.

Then Tony took a deep breath and whispered, "I kissed her." Out of the corner of his eyes, he saw Gibbs nod. "You knew, didn't you?"

"When you left, Ziva called me."

"So you know that... uhm...we..."

"Yes."

"And?"

"None of my business."

"You're not mad?"

"Why? I'm not her father and she was not my agent anymore. You're both adults," he shrugged dismissively, though he didn't like what had happened between Tony and Ziva.

"I still wonder why..."

"Why you slept with Ziva?" Gibbs asked bluntly and saw Tony nod. "Not that difficult to answer, DiNozzo," he teased.

"I thought about that night since my return and... I don't know... I still don't understand what happened that night," he sighed. "We were both so upset. She was questioning her entire life. I didn't want to lose another woman of my life after my mom..."

"I get it." Gibbs cut him off, before he felt he needed to elaborate.

"Why didn't I leave in that moment? Why didn't I say no? Why did I sleep with her?" Tony punched the car door.

"You already answered your own question, DiNozzo," Gibbs calmly replied as he turned to look at the other man, who was staring at him, confused. "You were both desperate for different reasons. You were both looking for comfort and reassurance," he took a deep breath. "Not the best reasons to have sex with a woman, but not the first or the last time it will happen."

"When I left her at the airport, I felt so sad and..."

"Relieved."

"How could you possibly know that?" Tony asked surprised and Gibbs raised his eyebrows. "Ziva," he answered his own question. "She told you."

"It's such a mess," Tony sighed. "I analyzed my feelings for Ziva so many times that I don't know what I felt for her and what I feel now," he stretched his neck. "I know it was not love-love. I'm sure about that, but at the same time I still want to protect and save her."

"But we can't protect and save someone who doesn't want to be protected and saved, Tony," Gibbs' deep voice replied. "You did everything you could to bring her back, but she said no. End of the story."

"I keep telling myself that, if I never feel the need to call or email her, it means that I'm not in love and that I need to leave her in the past and finally move on."

Gibbs just nodded satisfied that Tony was finally starting to think clearly.

The younger man stayed silent for a few minutes, then he said, "So you're not mad or disappointed."

"Nope."

"And you don't think I made a mistake."

"Nope."

"So, you—"

"I trust you any time and will always do," Gibbs said looking straight into Tony's eyes. "I depend on you and I need you to believe me."

"Gibbs...I..."

"No need to say anything. Just do it!" Gibbs made these last words sound like an order.

"On it, Boss!" he grinned.

They sat in silence for another moment before Tony finally spoke up. "We never had a break in the case, did we?"

Now that he was calmer and Gibbs had reassured him, Tony could think clearer and he had finally figured out what had been the intention behind that stakeout.

"Nope."

"You know we could have had this conversation over coffee. You didn't have to drag me out to the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night."

"It was easier this way."

"Of course it was." Tony rolled his eyes but the corner of his mouth lifted in a slight smile.

Gibbs grinned then started the engine and left that lonely street.

It was less than five minutes before the Team Leader heard a soft snoring coming from the passenger seat.

Mission accomplished, Gibbs thought, satisfied. And now home and a good night sleep for both of us.

TBC

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