The Fifth Year
Author's Note: Law & Order SVU and its characters are not mine, they are Dick Wolf's!
Sometimes, the place where it all began is the same place you end up in….
. . .
Elliot's phone beeping a message woke him up several hours later. He looked at it and saw that the message was from a blocked number.
He opened it and his jaw dropped, sleep quickly leaving him as he read the test message.
Did you get the CDs? I hope you're listening to them, Elliot.
Quickly he typed back. Who is this?
A reply came back just as swift. That doesn't matter right now. But Elliot you need to finish listening to those CDs soon. You need to know everything. Olivia needs you to know everything right now.
Why? He quickly replied.
Another fast answer. You'll find that out shortly. I promise I'll be in touch. But it's important that before you see her that you need to know how she feels completely.
Is she okay? And why?
Let's just say after 13 fucking years, it's about time to be honest, don't you think? I'll be in touch, Stabler. And by the way, don't bother using your connections to try and trace this. It's a burn phone.
Who is this?
Just listen to them quickly Elliot. Will another 2 days be enough?
I'm about to listen to the fifth one. Who is this? Is Olivia okay?
You've only finished 4? Hurry up Elliot.
Is she okay?
Just hurry up. Enough for now. I'll be in touch later.
It wasn't lost on Elliot that whoever was texting him had not answered his question if Olivia was okay. He texted one more time.
Please, is she okay?
But unfortunately, there was no more reply.
A bit panicked, Elliot dialed Olivia's cell phone number. But once more it just went to voicemail. But this time, he left a message.
"Liv, it's El. I know you must hate me. But please as soon as you get this can you just call me back. Thanks. Take care. "
He was about to hang up and but he then he hastily spoke again. "Liv – for what it's worth, I miss you. VERY…"
He heard the voicemail recording cut him off then and he finally hung up, sending the message.
He looked at his phone once more and re-read all the text messages he just got. He wondered if this wasn't some sort of sick joke. But his gut was telling him they were for real. His heart began to pound fast once more. Over and over he felt he had to get through this fast and find her.
He quickly got out of bed right then, grabbed his laptop and the CD's from his dining table. Forgetting all about breakfast, he went back his bedroom and popped in the next cd and started listening again.
. . .
"Hi, Olivia. You ready to go?" Dr. Olivet asked.
Ready as I'll ever like every other time.
"Good, let's get started. I believe that we've come into the fifth year of your partnership with Elliot. Of course, we don't have to talk about him. You know we can talk about anything you think will help you be a better you."
I know, Liz. But…with me for the last 12 years one way or another it's always been about Elliot.
"I understand. But before you tell me about your fifth year with him, I'd like to ask you a question."
Sure. What is it?
"Did Elliot's wife ever find about the two of you? Or at least suspected the two of you?"
. . .
Elliot barely heard Olivia's response. His mind travelled to the years he spent with Kathy. Ever since Olivia became his partner in 1999, she had always been suspicious of their relationship. She resented that they were close. She resented that he could talk to Olivia about things he couldn't talk about with her. He kept trying to explain that most of their talk was centered on their cases and he didn't want to bring that home with him. But that didn't make her stop.
But of course in reality, Kathy had a reason to be suspicious. She thought he and Olivia were having an affair. Elliot didn't see their agreement as an affair, but…then again even once a year was wrong. He was married. Kathy should have been the only one. But she wasn't. And ever since that night when he thought her name was Grace and not Olivia, Kathy had no longer been the only woman in his life.
A car horn blasted from outside his window, interrupting his reverie. All of a sudden, Elliot realized he had not heard a word of what Olivia was saying on the CD so he stopped it and backtracked until he got to where he had lost track.
. . .
You're joking right, Liz? Of course Kathy was suspicious. She's been suspicious of me from the first day Elliot and I became partners. It's amazing to me how she never really found out or caught us. Or maybe she did and he never told me. Who knows? But I'd like to think I know – knew Elliot. I think if she did find out, he would have told me. At least again, I'd like to think so. God, we lied to her so many times. HE lied to her so many times. But there you go. However we managed that feat, we did.
There were many horrendous cases that we had to deal with in the fifth year of our partnership. But I guess after facing so many by this time, there is really just one that stands out from that year.
. . .
He knew then what Olivia was going to tell Olivet. She was going to tell her about their time together after Alex Cabot was shot and they thought her to be dead.
. . .
Our fifth year – that fifth year – it hadn't even been 6 months since we had a second time the previous year.
But I guess I told myself it was okay. We had a pass – hell, why do I even kid myself, with our job, we always had a pass. We always had a justification. We always had a reason.
But this time, it wasn't just a victim getting to us because of what he or she had to endure. This time it was personal.
Alex Cabot – do you know her? I'm not sure if you ever met her but I'm sure you've heard of her. She was the ADA that handled all our SVU cases back then. If it was a Special Victims case, then you could count that she was the prosecuting ADA.
Anyway, Alex and I had become friends over the years and that friendship really helped us through our cases. She was smart, level headed and gutsy. That was – is Alex Cabot.
So one morning, Elliot and I were called to the scene of body that was dumped by an alley just off of Central Park. The victim was actually uncovered by a dog – she was naked and wearing only a fur coat. Aside from being raped, her tongue had been cut off.
So just like any other case, Elliot and I worked it. Later on, Melinda – the ME called us in and she told us that according to the tox screen, the victim had a large amount of coke in her system. She also did the usual combing of the victim's clothes for any forensic evidence and found that the fur coat that covered her when she was found was also soaked in cocaine.
So basically Elliot and I now knew that this was probably drug related. As we continued to work the case, Elliot and I found that the victim had not existed till a couple of years ago. Meaning, her social security was newly issued from two years ago, no records under her name existed until two years ago. So we began to think she was an illegal alien. But then we realized that we were being followed. Elliot and I saw a sedan with two men watching us. If she had been an illegal alien who was a mule of some sort, we knew that we would never been followed. So she had to be something else.
Elliot and tried to do a surprise attack to try and confront the men in the sedan but as soon as we started running they knew they had been made and fled. It was only when our investigation led us to the victim's storage unit in Queens that we found ourselves face to face with the men following us. It turned out they were DEA agents and our victim was an undercover cop. And with that it suddenly became clear why all her identification only existed from two years ago onwards. With that revelation, we became more determined than ever to bring her rapist/killer to justice. After all, we were all brothers and sisters in blue.
One of the agents who tailed us was the handler of Livia Taez or as Livia Sandoval which was her real name. I'm not hesitating to say her name because she's already dead. But the identifying details from this point on, I won't tell you Liz. The less you know the better. These people are dangerous. And though per last information all involved have been brought to justice, let me just exercise this caution.
Anyway, Alex was prosecuting the case and even though she has a lot of cases under her belt – she had never been involved in a case like this. As the DEA was knee deep in this one, I'm sure you can imagine what line of business the people in question were involved in. Anyway, when we finally made an arrest – we believed the guy we collared was the one responsible for Sandoval's rape and murder and Alex went after him tenaciously. Alex was always that way. She always spoke for the victims.
Unfortunately as she was talking to him and his lawyer one day, he said something that pissed her off and she verbally retaliated. And that was all it took. He almost attacked her in the DA's office and then the next thing we knew the DEA Agent – his name was Donovan – again I can tell you his name because he is also dead – and we'll get to the how later – who had been Sandoval's handler had received a credible threat pertaining to Alex.
So, he came to her at once and we happen to be there when he did. At first Alex didn't believe him but he knew Alex was likely not to believe him so he had brought proof of the threat in a form of a taped conversation and we listened to it. With the proof right there, Alex believed it last. We secured her that night – Elliot and I made sure that when she left the DA's office we were with her. I asked her to stay with me but she wouldn't. She was determined not to be scared off the case.
Just before Agent Donovan left, he promised her that the situation was handled. That she had nothing to worry about. He had refused to come forward and testify against the thug whose name I cannot mention. But I think Alex got to Donovan. And before he left he said that if the situation turned for the worse and it wasn't handled, he'd come forward. I don't know if Alex believed him, but I guess he thought she did because I honestly don't think he would have left until he had somehow reassured Alex and made her feel safe. As he walked to his car, leaving Alex in our care, Elliot spoke about how we were going to do a drive by Alex's area first before letting her out. We were so wrapped up on what we were going to do that the moment Agent Donovan walked away, we didn't really pay attention to him at all. I remember a vague sound of a car door closing – Donovan getting into his car. And then boom! There was a loud explosion. Agent Donovan's car had exploded and he was dead. No way could anyone survive that explosion.
I guess if the danger hadn't sank in before, it did now. That was when it hit home for Alex. That's the moment she truly finally believed she was in danger. If they could kill a skilled DEA agent, what more a mere ADA. She was definitely in danger. There was no question about that anymore.
When the partner of Donovan reached the crime scene, he was seething and Elliot and I had to calm him down and get him away from Alex. He blamed Alex for the death of Donovan. And Donovan had two kids who were now without a father. I actually think he might have punched Alex if Elliot and I didn't get in between them.
At that time, the DA was Arthur Branch. After what happened to Agent Donovan, he called Alex into his office and told her to drop the charges against the guy who was responsible for the rape of Sandoval and to let the Feds handle him. When Alex protested that he could not give in to such tactics from a criminal, Branch wore her down by telling her that too many people had died already. And since the Feds had a better case than they did, he told Alex, it was the best thing to do. Still, Alex didn't want to. She was determined to see this case through. She was angry and scared. No one made her this scared and this angry and got away with it. She wanted the bastard responsible to pay. But Arthur Branch overruled her. He told her that she was to drop the case. And that was it. So as much as she was against it, Alex reluctantly did as she was told. Fortunately, there was light at the end of the tunnel. The moment the judged dismissed the charges, the US marshals took over and arrested him. I remember Alex telling me later on that the guy had given her the dirtiest look as he was led away by the marshals.
Since the case was dismissed, everyone believed that there was no longer a threat on Alex's life. Boy were we wrong. We had gone to celebrate the fact that the case was no longer in our hands – we were all there – Alex, me, Elliot, Munch, Fin and even the Captain. We had all gone out drinking in this bar near the precinct. It wasn't our usual haunt, but we wanted a quieter place because truthfully none of us felt like celebrating. We may have quashed the threat on Alex's life but we still not had gotten justice for Sandoval. Just before we left the Captain told us that the guy had struck a deal with the Feds – witness protection in exchange for testimony against the highest guy up in the food chain.
Anyway, after that so called celebration, Elliot, Alex and I left together. Alex was apologizing to us for being such a buzzkill. We waved her concerns away. We understood. Our jobs on a normal day already took a lot out of us. What more the last couple of days? Elliot offered to get her a cab but Alex, believing she was no longer in danger said she'd walk. All of us believed that and so our guards were down when we left the bar.
Like I said, boy, were we ever fucking wrong. We had only gone a few steps down the street, when shots rang out. First one, then another, then another. Elliot went for me instantly, pushing me to the ground, covering me. We both glanced up and we saw a black SUV careening out of sight. Elliot immediately got up and raced after the SUV fearlessly. I stayed on the ground, looking apprehensively at Elliot in pursuit, when suddenly I remembered Alex. I immediately looked behind me and to my horror, there she was on the ground, blood pooling from under her from a gunshot wound.
I immediately cried out for help and everything after that was a blur. I remember Elliot running back to us, the same look of horror on his face that I'm sure I had in mine. I remember pressing on Alex's wound, blabbing to her – trying to make sure she didn't fade away and die.
After that, I don't remember much. I remember the ambulance coming. I remember the Captain coming. I remember going to Bellevue with Alex and Elliot. But that was it.
The next I remember fully after that was Elliot and me in my apartment. I knew that Cragen had sent us home. There were three shots that rang out, not one. So it meant that Elliot and I were supposed to have been shot too. At least that what Cragen believed.
Elliot didn't want to go home. He didn't want to lead whoever the shooters were to his house. Before we left the hospital, he told me he had called Kathy and told her to take the kids to Long Island at her mother's place first until everything blew over.
As for him, he couldn't go home not until they had left and again he didn't want to go home. Not if someone was following us and he'd just be leading them there. Instead, he wanted to stay with me because I lived alone. In fact, he INSISTED in staying with me. At first, I told him no. But I could see that he wasn't going to take no for an answer so not having in it in me to fight after what happened, I simply conceded to his request.
And there we were finally in my apartment. Once more we needed each other. We were there for each other. The way we have been for the past 4 years. AGAIN.
Alarm bells were ringing in my head as Elliot led to me to my bedroom and put his arms around me. I started to cry hard as he held me. Alex was in surgery and I didn't know if our friend was going to make it or not. I didn't know if our lives were still in danger. Captain Cragen had wanted to put a protective detail on us, but we both refused. We told him we'd stay together. And we'd keep each other safe. I knew he probably wondered what we meant by that. And he probably wondered where we'd stay. But he was so distraught that he didn't ask any questions. He just made us promise that should we even suspect anything was off, we'd call the station right away. And so we did.
Elliot was crying too as he held me. He had not been as close to Alex as I had been but he still considered her a good friend. And therefore what happened was also hitting him hard.
That night, miraculously, Elliot and I didn't have sex. We actually just fell asleep, fully clothed in each other's arms, exhausted from the day's harrowing events.
We woke up a few hours later, our phones buzzing with a message. It was Cragen asking us both to call him. Wordlessly we both decided to just make one phone call. After all, we had told him that we'd stay together. And if he found out that either of us were alone, a protective detail may be next.
Elliot made the call because I didn't feel capable of it. But before Elliot even made the call, I knew that he had bad news. Elliot had stood up as he made the phone call and when he got the captain on the line, he turned away from me rendering me unable to see his expression.
It wasn't a long conversation. And Elliot barely said anything except for okay, uh huh and when. That was it. His last statement to Cragen was, "I'll tell her. Bye."
When he hung up, he turned around towards me and I saw tears in his eyes. And my heart stopped. I knew.
"Is she….?" My voice trailed off. I was unable to say the dreaded words.
"She's gone, Liv." Elliot voiced it out for me, confirming my worst fears.
After all the tears I had shed earlier, I didn't think I was capable of crying again. But I was wrong. I broke down again. I sobbed hard and Elliot started crying again too. I think both of us couldn't believe it. Alex was gone. She was lost to us forever.
We both let all our emotions out then. I was completely spent after I finally finished crying. And I think so was he.
Elliot and I lay silent in my bed for a few minutes, our arms still around each other. Then Elliot finally spoke up, "Liv?"
I turned to him but didn't speak, still unable to do so.
"I keep thinking what if that was you? And…"
His voice trailed off and he was unable to continue. I saw a tear slide down his cheek again. I knew what he was thinking, I had been thinking the same thing.
And so I did the only thing I could do. I captured his mouth in mine and I began to kiss him. I began to kiss him deeply but gently.
And once more, just like a few months ago, we were shedding our clothes until we were both naked in each other's arms.
We were exhausted – emotionally spent – and at first even as we moved closer to each other, wrapping our arms around each other completely, I really thought we didn't have anything left to give each other. Nothing left at that moment to comfort each other with.
But I was wrong, because the second Elliot's arms were around me, I melted into them and I found myself molding my body into his. And after that, I was on top of him and he was inside me.
I suddenly forgot about being tired or sad or devastated. All I could think of right then was how he felt so good inside me. His hands were on my ass and his lips were on breasts, sucking and licking, making me feel so good, sending shocks of pleasure down to my core.
I could feel myself getting wetter and wetter as I rode Elliot. Like before, being with him was an out of this world experience. The only difference this time from the others? We were dead silent. Yes there were some heavy breathing and soft moan here and there but all in all we were silent.
I think in that respect we were too emotionally spent. But it didn't lessen our experience. If anything our silence, made us pay attention to each other more. We were able to feel more and want more and crave more. Our energies were not let out through cries or exclamations instead they were let out by our motions and actions. Every movement I made was more intense because the emotion behind it was bottled up, not let out. Each stroke, each lick, each suck was so much more.
I think that was the first time we made love that I wanted so much to tell him how much I loved him. How much he meant to me. But I knew if I said that, the moment I said that I would change everything between us in that second. And I wasn't ready. I didn't think I'd ever be ready. And then it hit me, what I was thinking what I was wanting to say and a cold fear seized me for a second. Thankfully the pleasure I was getting was too good for me to concentrate on my thoughts and on my fear. It didn't take long before I forgot all about it.
But my reprieve was temporary. The next minute, Elliot broke the silence by speaking at last, tearing his mouth from my breasts. He removed his hands from my ass and cupped my face in them and told me in the softest of voices, "Liv, you know…that I…"
His voice faltered but his gaze never wavered. I saw him swallow hard and I stopped riding him. I felt my breath hitch and my heart start to pound crazily as I waited for him to continue. If he continued. I didn't think he would actually. But he did. I held my breath more. "Liv, God Liv…you mean the world to me, you know that? And…and…I don't know what I'd do if I lost you. I'm sorry about Alex but I can't help it, baby, I'm glad it wasn't you."
I gasped then and tears stung my eyes once more. I wanted to say something back. I wanted to tell him so much how I felt right then. But I couldn't. So instead, I just kissed him once more, my open mouth almost devouring his, my tongue plunging inside. It was an urgent and hot kiss that he responded to with the same intensity. I started riding his cock hard once more.
I wanted him to feel what I wanted to say but couldn't say. I wanted him to know how much he meant to me. And I wanted him to know how I felt even without words. I wanted him to know all that through my body and its actions.
His arms went around me once more as I went up and down his cock. I rode him hard but slow. I wanted him to feel every emotion pouring out of my body. The aching desire we both felt got worse and finally I had to tear my mouth away from his.
His eyes flew open and he stared back at me as my movements became more frenzied. His cock sliding in and out of me was pure heaven and pure pleasure. I bit my lip hard and I held his face, cupping it in my hands. I could feel my orgasm start to build and I felt his cock twitch inside me and I knew he was close too.
He couldn't take it and he groaned. Loudly. His hands gripped my ass once more. His grip was iron clad and I knew again that it would leave marks but I didn't care. My hands flew to his back as our lovemaking became more furious. We never looked away from each other. He barely flinched as my nails started to claw and scratch down his back. It wasn't a light scratch either, I knew that I would leave marks but it didn't matter to us then.
Elliot started to guide my movements and he met my every downward thrust with an upward one of his own. He was so deep in me and his cock so hard and big and thick – I was so full of him. God, he felt so good inside me. I loved him being inside me.
It was like suddenly our emotions came spilling out of our bodies and we literally could not get close enough to each other. He couldn't be deep enough inside me. We wanted to be closer, deeper. Our arms closed around each other. He let go of my ass one more time and he locked his arms around my waist while I tore my hands away from his back slid them under his arms and locked them on his shoulders.
We were breathing hard, but despite the intensity there was curious lack of cries from us. The fires of our lust and craving for each other burned bright within us but still we didn't let go.
I threw my head back but then that meant tearing my gaze away from him and he didn't like that. So he spoke up and demanded, "Liv, look at me."
I heard him – that tone of command and obeyed at once. And when I did that and I saw all that he felt in those blue eyes of his is. That was my undoing. His blue eyes were so dark with want and something I couldn't define and whatever it was that I saw drove me to nirvana. I shattered then. I started to tremble and I could feel my pussy start to pulsate. I could no longer stay silent and my mouth flew open and an unidentifiable cry emerged from my throat. My orgasm overwhelmed me, coming in strong crashing waves. My eyes closed momentarily but then I felt Elliot shatter too. Suddenly he was thrusting upward and his cock started to twitch and spurt out his seed inside me. He held me down as he thrust upward, filling me with his seed, trying to get as deep into me as possible. Then all at once he let out an almost feral sound and our cries mingled with each other as our orgasms took control of our bodies.
After we were done, we collapsed on my bed, sweaty, breathing hard and completely spent. As I lay on top of him, Elliot gently brushed my hair which was longer by now, but still short while he looked at me. I thought he was going to say something. But he didn't. Instead he just stroked my hair and he kissed my forehead.
After that, we drifted to sleep again.
When we woke up a few more hours later, we both felt a little better. My room reeked of sex though. We cuddled for a bit, still exhausted but then a few minutes later, Elliot got up and grabbed his phone. He saw that he had a message from Kathy and signaling me be quiet, he called her. They didn't speak long. I could hear Elliot telling her how Alex was gone. I didn't want to cry again so I simply got my phone and walked out to living room.
I saw that I had messages too. I saw that Captain Cragen had messaged me saying that Elliot and I could take the day off but he wanted us back the next day. He also left explicit instructions that Elliot and I were not to go to work unescorted. Like it or not, when we went to work the next day, we would have a protective detail.
When Elliot got done with his phone call, he walked out of my room still naked.
We stared at each other, smiling somewhat shyly, as if unsure what to do next. But even then something kept drawing us back to each other. And somehow even though it was wrong, even though I probably deserved more than being a part time lover to a man who was already taken, I settled.
I lied to myself again and I justified falling into his arms once more. I justified that what happened to Alex was a reason to do this. To need this. To need him. To need each other. And once I had it justified in my head, I was making love to him again.
The protective detail had to get us from my place the next day. Though I'm sure he wondered, the Captain never questioned why Elliot was there with me. He never even went home. He told himself it was because he wanted to protect his family from any leftover criminals who might harm them.
But we both knew better. I knew I loved him then even though I dared not articulate it even to myself. As for Elliot, I didn't even want to consider that he loved me. And so I just told myself, he needed me and wanted me. And if that meant letting him use me for sex once a year, because it was so mindblowing and because it allowed us to survive our jobs then so be it. I was his yearly sin and his penance was our job. And it was mine too.
Three days later, homicide was no closer to finding a suspect in the death of Alex and that fact was splashed all over the newspapers. The squad room had taken an even more somber atmosphere if that was possible since the shooting and the newspaper headline that day and the fact that Alex's funeral was the next day, made it even worse.
Before our night ended, Cragen told Elliot and I to meet Donovan's former partner that night before we went home so that we can close out that case. The case that got Alex murdered. Our protective detail was gone. That's because the guy who was going to turn on the drug bigwig was murdered in jail and he was again safe and thus so were we. Cragen gave us the address where to meet the agent and once we were done with our DD5s we left.
Elliot made a comment about how convenient the place was because honestly it was very isolated. The agent said something about "this one is a pain in the butt – wouldn't take no for an answer."
We were puzzled admittedly. But then our confusion gave way to clarity and momentary happiness. As we were led to the black SUV parked nearby, Alex Cabot suddenly got out.
I started to tear up. And Elliot realized that she was being put in witness protection. I asked her how long but before she could even answer I already knew. It was an indefinite time. Until the head of the cartel was captured, Alex had to be dead for now and disappear into witness protection.
Our goodbyes were brief. One minute she was there and the next she was gone. In a way I was happy. But I was also sad. My friend was alive but right now she couldn't be part of our lives. But what's important was she was alive.
Elliot and I stayed put until the entire caravan of her escorts had pulled away and out of sight. Then without saying anything, we reached for each other at the same time, our hands clasped together as we walked back to the car.
"Did you sleep together again?" Dr. Olivet asked, unable to herself.
Yes, we did.
"Why?"
I don't know. To feel better I guess.
"Again?"
Yes again. Yes, Alex was alive but she was still gone. And I guess we wanted, needed to make sure that each other's presence wasn't a dream. That we were both here and real. And yes, I know that's bullshit. In truth, in hindsight, we just wanted another reason to sleep with each other. But at that time, it's what we needed each other to believe and we did.
That was the 5th year – and it was only the start of it. But I think by then we realized we were getting in way too deep and for the rest of the year, no matter how hard the case was. No matter how each of us may have been tempted, we stayed away.
But then the 6th year came and that year was truly a test. You see, Liz, the 6th year was when Kathy left Elliot.
But our time is gone and that's for another day.
. . .
When 5th CD finished, Elliot sighed. He could still remember everything Olivia had just narrated vividly. He also remembered what he wanted to say. But he chickened out last minute and till today, more than 8 years later, he still hadn't been able to tell her what he wanted so badly to tell her that day.
He buried his head in his hands, groaning a bit. She deserved to be happy. She deserved so much more than he ever gave her.
He sighed. He looked at the clock and realized it was almost 11 am and he had had nothing to eat yet. And so, promising himself to continue after a bagel run, he left his apartment.
A short time later, Elliot came back, got the 6th CD, popped the cd in his laptop, settled in and got ready to listen once more.
. . .
TBC….
Whew! That was an intense one. And it doesn't get easier or smoother from here. The next year brings a lot of changes in Elliot's family life. How does it affect his situation with Olivia? Does it affect it all?
Find out next! In the meantime, please do review, here and on Twitter: Jo_Bautista