Chapter VI
My dearest reader, I have been feasting my eyes on a sumptuous work of history and literature in recent days - why, yes, my own account of the War of the Five Kings. How ever did you guess, oh most wise reader? - and it has not escaped my notice that in the first chapter of this work, I made a promise that I would delineate the complete and most truthful history of my contentious relationship with the not-so-gentlemanly gentleman known to you as Richard Horpe. Now I am a man of my words, loyal reader (unlike Horpe, as you will see later), therefore most of this chapter will be devoted to how Richard Horpe and myself were first acquainted.
It would not surprise you to know, discerning reader, that I was once a royal squire, squiring for the late, great King Robert Baratheon, first of his name. What might come as a shock to you is the completely confounding fact that Richard Horpe once counted himself as one of King Robert's royal squires as well. In fact, our tenure as royal squires overlapped for several years - several long and excruciating years, I am not ashamed to admit. One of the happiest days in my life, dear reader, was when Horpe was finally knighted and had to leave King Robert's service. My overflowing joy was compounded infinitely by the entirely welcomed news that King Robert had denied Horpe his dreams to serve in the Kingsguard, thereafter consigning Horpe to the inglorious life as a landless, luckless household knight.
But there, I see your brows frowning, my dearest reader, disapproving of my unmethodical and unchronological account of the matter. Fear not, I will now strive to begin at the beginning.
When I came to King's Landing to serve King Robert, Horpe had already been serving as a royal squire for close to two years. Now this is not at all an indication of his advantages over me in any way, shape or form, I hasten to assure you, gentle reader, but merely an indication of his more advancing years than mine. (You would think that a man older than myself would at least reach the same level of maturity as I have, but sadly, that has never been the case for Richard Horpe). Both Horpe and myself being boys from the Stormlands, the land where King Robert once ruled as lord of Storm's End, the late king commanded that Horpe should be my guide and mentor in the ways and duties of a royal squire.
As much as it grieves me to admit it now, at the time, I was relieved and even somewhat joyful to have Horpe as my mentor – for the royal squires were teeming with boys from the Westerlands, from Houses loyal to the Lannisters, most of whom looked down on me for not coming from the richest and most prosperous region in the realm. Never mind that House Massey is one of the oldest Houses in the realm, and would put their own Houses to shame in terms of historical significance. Such is the deplorable state of things in our kingdom in recent times that gold dragons and a rich land count for much more than a long and storied history.
Now where was I? Oh yes, Richard Horpe as my guide and mentor. Does it surprise you in the least to learn that Horpe was a most unconvincing and unhelpful guide to my young and innocent self, faithful reader? I should hope not! I hope my tireless effort to open your eyes to Horpe's nefarious behavior has not been in vain. It is a great wish of mine than a certain lemonwater-drinking king would come across this account of mine, and would come to realize how wrong-headed was his decision to make Richard Horpe his right-hand man after the departure of Lord Davos. But there, I have digressed yet again from the main thrust of this narrative. A thousand apologies, my most indulgent reader.
Horpe basically left me to my own devices, to fend for myself, to sink or swim on my own. "It would not do for the other royal squires to think that we are a separate team, distinct and special, merely because we both came from King Robert's homeland. That will only serve to alienate them from us, and cause further resentments." That was Horpe's very reasonable-sounding reason for refusing any form of friendship or closeness with me. But I know better, dear reader. I know that his true reasons were rooted in much less noble intentions. In fact, they were very craven, very craven and self-serving indeed.
Beware of jealousy, dear reader, for it is a green-eyed monster terrifying to behold. Before my arrival, Horpe had been The Special One, the one squire King Robert had trusted above all the others, for the king had no fondness and even less trust for the boys loyal to the queen's House. But as to be expected, my arrival threatened to derail Horpe's special status with King Robert, especially since the king seemed to be more fond of my company than he was of Richard Horpe's company.
"That Horpe boy reminds me of Stannis," I overheard King Robert complaining to Lord Arryn, the Hand of the King. "So very dour and gloomy, and always staring at me as if I have done something wrong."
"But he is very trustworthy, Your Grace." Lord Arryn stood up for Horpe. It was not surprising; Lord Arryn was a kind man who had a kind word to say even about the worst kind of monster in the kingdom.
"The Massey boy is trustworthy too. And I can take Justin with me to certain … places … without him looking censorious and disapproving," King Robert continued. "Perhaps I could make a gift of Richard Horpe to Stannis. The two of them can sit around being dour and disliking everything about the world, even women," the king mused, chortling.
Lord Arryn cleared his throat. "It is perhaps not women that Stannis and your squire Horpe disapprove of, but women being used by men for their own purposes," he said warily to the king.
Those were harsh words coming from Lord Arryn. The women always seemed willing and eager to please King Robert, from what I have observed while escorting King Robert to these … well, places. (I leave it to your imagination what these places indeed are, gentle reader. It is my desire to keep this account a family-friendly one. Thus, certain things must be approached with the utmost delicacy. I am certain you will understand my predicament in this matter).
I fully expected the king to explode in anger, dear reader, but instead, King Robert bellowed with laughter. It was one of King Robert's great charms, faithful reader: his ability to find the oddest and most surprising things funny and hilarious. Much as I admire King Stannis and his many, many talents and abilities, it saddens me to admit that there are times when I fervently wish that a sense of humor is on the list of King Stannis' qualities.
King Robert never did make a gift of Horpe to his brother. Horpe excelled himself in a tourney celebrating the birth of Princess Myrcella, and was duly knighted by King Robert. The queen, never a favorite of mine for various reasons I will explain further in later chapters, was adamantly opposed to Horpe being made a member of the Kingsguard. She rose greatly in my estimation for that opposition, dearest reader, and Richard Horpe had to satisfy himself with being merely a landless, luckless household knight. I would be lying if I told you that my heart bleeds for the poor man.
What's that I hear from the back? "You are a landless and luckless household knight as well, Ser Justin." You wound me, demanding reader, with your harsh words and your merciless mockery. But I am not a severe and unforgiving man like Richard Horpe is (and as I sometimes fear King Stannis is), so all is forgiven, dear reader, if only you are willing to indulge me in my further adventures. For I have conceived of a plan to transform my regretful circumstances in life, a plan so brilliant and intricate in the details it could not help but succeed. A plan that would require charm, smiles, sweet words and kind treatment, all the things that come as naturally to me as breathing does. You see, gentle reader, that is the absolute brilliance of my plan; all I have to do to execute the plan is to be myself, exactly as I am, as I have always been and will forever be - Ser Justin Massey, The Smiler. Do you see the genius of that, wise reader?