A/N: Sorry for the shortness of this chapter, but if I didn't post this, it may have been an even longer wait while I got the other scenes organised... Big huggable thanks toMariel for being so helpful and speedy, and toSamantha for being a wee helpful treasure. Is there something about Canada no-one's telling me about?

Chapter Six

Chez Lisi

Xx—

One good thing about Lisi's was that it was always popular, and the ambient atmosphere was rowdy enough to have an intimate conversation. For a meal or just a drink, it was always welcoming.

Jack was sitting in a booth, surveying the incoming after-work crowd. He'd wanted a table, but knew Samantha would prefer this. Being technically still on call, he'd ordered a club soda, loosened his tie and was watching the ice melt; wondering if he should order something for Samantha, and wondering if that would be presumptuous; he would probably get it wrong; he'd always known what she'd wanted in the past, but that was a long time ago. Times change. People change.

He'd watched Samantha leave his office after her ultimatum; he'd known he couldn't have gotten out of this, even if he'd wanted to; he'd had to give in -but he honestly didn't know what she would be like. The lack of knowledge had made him anxious.Wondering if talking to someone might help, Jack had gotten out of his chair and had been halfway to Dr. Harris' office before he realized that wasn't where he wanted to be

Lisa, you might be interested to learn about the outlet I used to get rid of some of those pent up feelings you were concerned about.

And I possibly feel worse than I have ever felt in my entire life.

Really, Jack? What did you do exactly?

No. Lisa was not the person to speak to.

There are some conversations you really couldn't have.

So he sat, waiting for Samantha, his foot tapping the floor fretfully.

Xx—

Samantha had gone back to the team at Conway's office and continued the interviews. Around three o'clock, while they'd been discussing leads, or rather, lack of them, Jack had phoned Vivian about a John Doe that had been admitted to a small emergency clinic some way upstate. It had sounded like a strong promising lead, and Vivian hadn't needed to draw straws as Martin had eagerly said he'd make the drive alone. Vivian had decided they should still keep investigating but go back to the bullpen to work out their next step.

Around 4.50pm they had been staring at the timeline and a map of New York State when Jack came to the bullpen and announced he'd be heading out -as there was nothing else he could do while they were waiting for Martin to make contact. About fifteen minutes later, Samantha had made an excuse too; Danny had looked at the flowers, now sitting colorfully in a vase at the end of Samantha's desk. "Catching up with James?"

Samantha had smiled thinly, remembering she hadn't phoned him to say thank you and not feeling up to lie. "No actually, just some things to do. I won't be long." She hadn't caught the look Danny and Vivian had shot at each other when she'd left.

She was more than a little flustered when she reached the restaurant. Seeing Jack nursing a soda, she ordered the same before she went to sit down, opening lines going through her head.

So, Jack, I've heard of sex with the ex, but I think four years later exceeds the time limit…

She made herself comfortable in the booth while he watched. He then returned his attention to the condensation trickling down the side of his glass.

What was that the other day, Jack? 'Wham bam, thank you, Sam'?

She decided that these were too facetious and not what she'd want to use to open the conversation.

Jack waited for her to begin.

She didn't know where to start.

So she didn't.

Jack waited.

And waited.

Her silence was deafening in the noisy restaurant.

He'd been looking at his glass, his hands, and the table top. Now he looked up at her. She was sitting with her eyebrows raised expectantly.

Her fingers started to tap the edge of the table. A waiter delivered her club soda and she thanked him.

Jack cleared his throat. "You wanted to talk…" he ventured.

She nodded, but wasn't drawn to say anything.

Knowing he'd have to instigate the conversation, Jack took a big breath. "I never counted on this."

She just looked at him, wondering where this was heading.

"Any of it."

There was still no reaction from her.

"I never thought that this is where we'd end up."

"And where is that, Jack?" Samantha asked quietly.

Moving his glass to one side off the coaster, he picked the square piece of cardboard and stared vacantly at the restaurant's logo while he thought.

Miserable.

Angry.

Lost.

The only good thing in my life these days are my girls. You were once one of those things, but I messed that up too.

Putting the coaster back down, he looked at his wedding ring; still stuck on his finger to appease Hanna and Kate. God, he wished he could just throw it far, far away. "I don't know," he murmured.

Samantha's expression softened. "What happened to us? We've been colleagues, friends as well as…you know," she said. "But now, I feel it's all gone. We never seem to be in the right place or right time together anymore."

Jack rubbed his eyes. "I've apologised and you've accepted it. You say it's okay. I say it's not. I know you must hate me, but not as much as I hate myself."

The last thing on my mind actually. "I don't hate you, Jack."

He was quite surprised at that. "Not even after… not even after what I did?"

"No, I'm probably more confused than anything else, I suppose… Certainly disappointed… I just want to know: what's gotten into you?"

Jack sighed, thinking about some of the things that could have possibly brought him to where he was at that moment in time; wondering where and how it all began. Maybe it had been the moment Samantha's file hit his desk; when she walked in for her interview; the late nights and hours with his job, coupled with the emotional toll that kept him away from his family; the growing indifference from Maria. "I don't know -I really don't."

He would have liked to have blamed Maria for everything, but to be fair he wasn't even sure he could do that. It all came down to him in the end; his decisions, his choices.

His cell phone rang; it was Martin. It was a positive identification on Conway. Jack was relieved, as always, and gave Samantha a thumbs-up. "Try and find out how he got up there, stay over if need be, I'll tell the others… Good job, by the way; it's a long road trip," he said, not knowing how far Martin would drive to try and wrangle more painkillers. He then phoned Vivian and Danny, still at the office, to pass on the good news, and added he'd inform Samantha.

Who couldn't resist a smile at the deception. "Seems like old times."

Jack snorted despite himself. "Almost." Glad for the phone call and the missing person found, and gladder still that he'd survived their initial conversation, Jack felt like a small weight had been lifted."Well, we're off the hook," he said, smiling for possibly the first time that day. "To hell with this club soda –you want something stronger?"

"I could kill for a glass of red."

"I'll join you in one," he said, noting that some things hadn't changed after all. He gestured for a waiter to take the order.

They hadn't quite resolved anything, but she didn't hate him, which was good. He wondered what he could do about what he'd done, and how to make it up to her. But then, she was with James, which wasn't so good.

And he couldn't do anything about that.

The glasses of wine arrived promptly, and they each took a deep mouthful.

It was Samantha's turn to examine her hands, bringing the conversation around again. "We've always been able to talk; it was one of the things we had that was special." She looked up at him. "I miss that."

He nodded in agreement. "Once upon a time… You've moved on with your life. I just seem to be stagnating, or moving backwards –it certainly feels that way."

"I wish I could help you there." As much as she wanted to, she couldn't.

"That's okay –it seems everyone leaves me in the end. That prick Scoggins was right, you know -he said that. Look at my mother; look at Maria. Not only did Maria leave me, take the girls, and divorce me -she's dead."

"It wasn't her decision, Jack," Samantha said, unknowingly echoing Jack's own words to Kate. "She didn't kill herself. Be reasonable." Dear God, I'm defending Maria…

"She left me," he reiterated. "In every possible way."

"You left me."

He looked at her tenderly. "It was a hard choice to make." One of the hardest…

Wondering what his answer would be, she looked him directly in the eyes and asked the question: "Given another chance, knowing the outcome -would you still have done it?"

Given a second chance and knowing what I know now... Jack distracted himself with his glass stem to evade the question; there really was no point in answering it; what's done was done. Samantha was right though, about how they used to be able to talk –what had happened to that? "You were fine with Martin, weren't you?"

Samantha let a deep sigh out as she considered this. "Not really. I tried –I thought. But it was all wrong. Perhaps we wouldn't have been able to work together if we'd had stronger feelings for each other." It sounded strange coming out of her mouth. She'd managed to work with Jack, after all; she'd felt a hell of a lot more for him, and still did. She looked out at the busy restaurant, watching the clientele; there was a couple immediately to their left at a table; the man holding the woman's hand as she spoke, clear adoration in his eyes. "At least he said he loved me. That was something, I guess," she reflected.

Jack had been examining her face as she spoke; her head tipped back against the booth, her hair tied back. How he knew every pore, every freckle -those laugh lines she probably still hated and he'd loved when he made her laugh. He knew her face so well, probably better than his own.

"I doubt Martin ever loved you as much as I did." Jack said, almost to himself.

Samantha turned her head back to look at him, dumbstruck.

Jack refocused on his drink, suddenly embarrassed at his admission. He risked a look at her face. She was looking away again.

"You never told me that…"

He frowned. "Surely you knew it?"

How could she not?

Hadn't I been obvious at the time?

"You never said it… You took long enough to tell me you were separated… Why would you ever tell me you loved me?" She was getting more upset as she spoke, her voice quavering. She looked back at him. "You loved me… once," she stated, as if trying the words out. She knew it was one of the truest things he'd ever said to her. "That's the saddest thing someone could ever say."

"Why's that?"

"The past tense -it sounds so… final. That they loved someone once, and now, it's… gone." She simply had to know: "Is it really gone, Jack?"

Jack wanted to reach across the table to her -tell her it had never truly gone, never would go, even though he tried to hide it away- but he kept his hands clasped around his glass. Now it was his turn to look away.

"You never told me."

"About …?" Samantha asked, at a loss. And here he was dodging yet another question.

"You and Martin, -the break-up."

She blinked. "There's not a lot to tell. He broke it off. You figured it out in the end," she said, taking a sip of her wine, hoping it would help her.

It was Jack's turn to be silent.

She stared at him as realisation set in. It must have been when James sent the soft toy –that damn look on Jack's face, the one she hadn't been able to figure out. "Oh Christ, Jack…" She didn't know whether to apologise or not. It was so unexpected. "I thought you knew…"

But then something occurred to her that she needed to say, which had been a small burning flame in the back of her mind for a long time. "Figured it out… Like when you walked into the bullpen and announced you were going to Chicago. That was a great heads-up for me."

"It wasn't something I felt I could discuss with you, exactly."

This time she took a large mouthful of wine, not impressed with his explanation as she swallowed it. "You could have said something. It was like a slap in the face. And then you stayed and…" I was with Martin and I really wanted to be with you and I want to be with you now and everything's just so fucked up between us... She put her head in her hands. "I have no idea what we're doing, Jack. But I'm so tired of this game we play with each other. I never know which rules you're using."

"Sam-" He reached out a hand, his fingers barely touched her fingers covering her face, but she batted him away.

"No Jack, don't; I'm just worn out with it all. You just don't get it. I loved you then; I love you now. But it always has to be about you, you're always in command or making the choices. Before it was your family, your wife, and now Maria's dead and it's really still about her." She slid along the seat, getting ready to leave. "I can't help you and I'm not going to wait for you anymore."

Jack, still stunned by her disclosure about what she felt for him, looked at her, confused. "Wait for me? I never thought you were."

"Martin, James, Eric, Fred –whatever. They didn't count. Not like you."

"Well, if you want to put it like that, obviously I didn't either."

Samantha nearly threw her hands up in frustration. "Jack… When will you realize it'll never be over between us, not while we live and breathe?"

"There's nothing I can do about it."

"Can't –or won't?" she threw at him as she got up, her brown eyes brimming with tears.

Jack watched Samantha leave, ignoring the wide-eyed faces of the couple at the next table; He wondered how many more times he could possibly hurt her, and ashamed that he was so good at it.

He picked up his glass of wine and, staring at Samantha's half full one, downed it in one hit.

tbc

Xx—