Chapter 5 – 10th grade

Goodbye Sweetheart

It was the summer between my sophomore and junior year. I was glad for the break. I had been working my ass off all year trying to bring up my GPA. Freshman year had been a bad year for me and I had nearly failed all my classes and had spent the majority of last summer stuck in summer school trying to repair the damage.

I had been an idiot last year, allowing my anger over my parents' divorce to consume me. I had nearly fucked up everything, including my future with Bella.

I knew it was messed up the way I was planning my future around a girl that had no idea how I truly felt about her. A girl who I could never be certain if she felt the same way about me. But I knew that she needed me now more than ever and I was committed to succeeding.

It was two months ago when Bella turned sixteen. Shortly after her birthday, her father had forced her to drop out of school and to go work. Having been without a steady job for more than two years himself it became necessary for Bella to make money in order to survive. I rarely saw her anymore. She was always working or always having to take care of some household chore her father had demanded of her. I was more determined than ever to make a future for myself and in effect a future for her.

I was living with my mother now, the divorce finally over with. My father had moved to Port Angeles taking Tanya with him. They were in the process of planning a June wedding. My mother of course was devastated in that fact.

My mother and I had started to become closer over time. It was difficult at first as she had no idea how to truly act like a mother. I was made to suffer through many inedible meals for a while as she improved her cooking skills, having never actually cooked a day in her life. I was also forced to wear pink underwear for some time as she became accustomed to doing laundry. But I supported her and encouraged her as often as I could. She was slowly becoming the mother that I had always wished for.

Some may say I forgave my mother much too quickly for the years of neglect but they didn't see the sorrow in her eyes that I saw. She was alone now and I knew that she needed me to hold her up, to help her pick up the pieces of her broken life. The divorce had been hard on me but I knew that my mom had been the one that took it the hardest. She had been betrayed and replaced much too easily.

Love wasn't supposed to work like that.

I had also finally overcome my crippling shyness. Bella leaving school forced me to become my own person and to find my voice. I had spent so many years in her shadow, relying on her to speak up for me, that when she left school I could barely function. I had to adapt quickly and survive. I eventually made a few friends, no one I let in as I had Bella, but friends none the less.

Bella and I still met on occasion in our meadow. Not as often as I would have liked but we still managed somehow to carve out time for each other.

When she wasn't able to meet me in the meadow I would stop by the sporting goods store where she worked. Sometimes stopping by the meadow and picking wildflowers for her. Her eyes would always light up when I walked in caring the scraggly bouquet, telling her I had brought the meadow to her for the day.

I tried in my own way to make her life easier. I knew she would never accept a blatant handout from me so I tried to help her out by purchasing sports equipment I would never use, knowing that she worked on commission. I now had a closet full of unused tennis rackets, water skis, hiking equipment, and other various sporting equipment.

I missed her desperately but I continued with my plans, comforted in the fact that if she ever did decide that she wanted me then I would be waiting for her and I would be able to provide for her and keep her safe.

It was the middle of the summer when my phone rang. It was Bella's voice on the other end when I answered. I hadn't seen her in almost a month. It had been the longest month of my life as I waited patiently for her to finally reach out to me.

"Hi, Edward," she said solemnly.

"Hey, beautiful. I've missed you," I said

"Yeah, it's just been so busy at work. Tis the season for hikers and campers, you know. Listen are you busy tonight?" she asked.

I had plans to drive to Port Angeles to visit my dad but quickly thought of an excuse to give him on why I couldn't make it. I would much rather spend the evening with my girl than having to suffer through a whole weekend filled with that bitch Tanya trying to act like a mother towards me.

"Nope, no plans. You want to do something together?" I asked her, the excitement evident in my voice.

"Can you meet me in the meadow in about an hour? I need to talk to you about something," she said in a flat tone.

A sense of dread rocked through me. We hadn't spent time in the meadow in a very long time and I had resigned myself to only seeing her on occasion while she worked. The meadow meant that whatever she had to say could not be said in public.

An hour later I found myself nervously pacing the perimeter of the meadow waiting for Bella's arrival. The moon was mostly hidden by clouds that night allowing only sparse, occasional beams of light to filter down. In the dark, the meadow was not the warm sanctuary that Bella and I had created for ourselves over the years. In the dark, it was cold and had an ominous feel to it. The meadow had done nothing but increase that sense of dread that I had been feeling since Bella's phone call.

I stopped pacing for a moment to glance at my watch only to become more anxious when I couldn't read the face of it in the darkness. I brought my hand up and ran my fingers through my hair.

"Edward," her quiet voice called from behind me.

I turned and saw a shadow standing near the tree line on the opposite end of the meadow. I knew immediately just from the form that it was Bella. My Bella.

All the anxiety, all the tension, immediately left my body and I began walking towards her. She met me halfway. Standing in the middle of the field, I wrapped my arms around her pulling her to me tightly. We stood like that for a while, just enjoying the feel of being reunited in this way. For a moment, I felt as though the meadow had become my sanctuary once again but suddenly realized that it had never really been the place at all that made me feel safe. It had always been Bella.

I pulled away from her slightly and cupped her cheek with my hand as she tilted her face up to mine. In that moment, the clouds above broke and the moon shined down on us. It illuminated her face, her pale skin seemingly glowed in the light. She had never looked more beautiful to me than in the moment. Bella was my angel and the meadow was my heaven.

After the initial excitement of seeing her, of having her in my arms, of touching her skin, began to wane, I noticed the despair, the overwhelming sadness in her eyes. I had become accustomed to looking into Bella's eyes over the years and seeing the ever-present pain but this was different. This look was infinitely stronger and struck the very core of my being.

Bella reached up and grabbed my hand that had been on her cheek. She wrapped her fingers in mine and brought my hand to her lips, placing a small, gentle kiss on my knuckles. I had spent countless hours over the years imaging what her lips would feel like pressed against my skin. The actual feel of it though was beyond anything I had ever thought it would be. The tingles I always felt when we touched were multiplied tenfold becoming a jolt of actual electrical current that nearly knocked the wind out of me.

A small moan escaped my lips interrupting the precious moment immediately. Bella dropped my hand and took a step away from me turning her back towards me.

I just stood there watching her, waiting for her to speak, as I always have done.

"I'm leaving Forks," she said barely above a whisper.

If I lived to be a hundred years old, if my life continued on for an eternity, I knew I would never forget that night in our meadow. I knew for the remainder of my existence all the regrets that built up over time, all the sorrow I experienced would never compare to that night standing there with her, listening to her explain how she couldn't take living with her father any longer and why she was leaving me.

But most of all, I would spend a lifetime consumed with the regret in knowing that I didn't fight to keep her there. That even in the face of my worst nightmare, I never told her how much I loved her.