Hold Me Again

The house was in the dead of silence. Renji had prepared breakfast for the younger. He had come into the room and seen Ichigo lay on his side, eyes wide and a bleeding red color, and his heart wrenched at the sight. He didn't know exactly why Ichigo was crying, but it hurt him to see that pained and defeated look in his eyes. He had quickly placed the plate on the nightstand and left out.

He took a shower and dressed at an extremely slow pace, his mind void of any thoughts, and his heart deadened from the look in the tangerine's eyes. His body went through the routine necessities while his mind blanked out completely. After he finished he had sat at his kitchen table, drinking sake while trying to deliberate all that happened, but it was useless, his mind had refused to clear of the darkness that filled it.

Renji's body was moving mechanically the entire morning, not hearing a sound resonant from Ichigo's room. The only way he knew the boy was still alive was the very faint reiatsu he felt emanating from him.

He's shocked. His mind finally willed him to deliberate, but before he could get too deep into his own thoughts there was a knock at the front door. He moved to answer it. He opened it, his eyes nullified from any emotions or interest in whoever it was.

"A-A-Abarai-san?" Renji recognized the stuttering boy as Yamada Hanataro. Renji continued to stare at him impassively, waiting for him to speak. "I-I'm here for Ichigo-kun's t-t-treatment." The redhead looked detached entirely, but moved aside to let him in without a word. Hanataro scurried in nervously, ducking under his arm.

"Uh…Abarai-san? Where is he?" He asked when he didn't see him. He turned around; noting the taller shinigami close the door and walk passed him, not uttering a word. Hanataro just stood quietly in a jittery stupor as he saw him disappear down the hall and into a room without knocking. Hanataro noted that the living room he was standing in was dark, the shutters undrawn to let in the sun outside, but he didn't think too much of it.

Renji left the door ajar behind him, his heart beating against his chest as he approached the boy. "Kurosaki-kun." He didn't know why he was using such formalities. What the hell is wrong with me? He detested. "Ichigo," he cooed softly before he stood beside his bed, his voice hoarse. He looked down at the boy, his eyes closed, and his chest heaving softly.

He was thankful that Ichigo's eyes were closed. He couldn't stand to look at the pain he saw in them only a few hours before. He was also thankful that the orange-haired man was asleep. It made things a lot easier. He meticulously picked him up, bridal-style, making sure he didn't wake him. Then he moved towards the door, closing it behind him as he bounded towards Hanataro.

Hanataro stepped back when Renji approached him and allowed the redhead to situate the sleeping boy across the couch. Then Renji moved back, permitting the medic shinigami to commence his ministrations. He watched as Hanataro motioned over to the couch before falling to his knees. The young medic's hand began to glow green before gliding over Ichigo's body.

Renji watched as Ichigo's face contorted in and out of pain, groaning as he felt his muscles being stretched under his skin and bones shifting slightly, small tendons and tissues being replaced rapidly. Renji continued to stare at the expressions he made, saddening himself further by discerning the pain looks on his face, reminding him of those shiftless mahogany eyes he had seen hours ago. He noted Ichigo's eyes opening and his breath hitched in his chest.

Ichigo's soft honeyed eyes stared blankly at him before looking down at Hanataro looming over him. "Hanataro?" He intonated thickly, trying to sit up. Hanataro made a noise in the back the back of his throat.

"No, don't move, Kurosaki-kun." His shrill voice commanded. Ichigo looked down at him, propped up on his elbows until he felt a heavy hand pressing against his chest and he looked up at the beautiful face it belonged to.

"Lay down," Renji edict. His voice was dense, like he hadn't spoken in days. Reluctantly, the oranget fell back onto his back, allowing Hanataro to administer whatever healing power he was using.

Renji moved back, his eyes now focusing on Hanataro's glowing hands now that Ichigo was staring so intently at him. He wasn't ready to look at those pain induced eyes. He still hadn't known why Ichigo was so hurt, but all that mattered was that he was hurt and he wasn't ready to look at him.

Ten minutes passed like this, until Hanataro finally finished and stood up. "Okay, I'm done." He said. Ichigo jumped up, or tried, but grunted painfully before settling back down. Renji jumped reflexively towards him to help him lie back down. His body didn't hurt as much, but it still held a terrible ache.

"Hanataro," Ichigo grunted, and said boy flinched at the tone.

"Y-yes?"

"Why does my body still hurt?" He groaned.

"Um…we-well b-because I couldn't heal you…completely…yet." He sputtered.

"And why the hell not?" Ichigo growled, glowering at him.

"B-because… C-C-Captain Unohana in-informed me that I s-shouldn't. S-she said that all of your bones aren't aligned, or…an-and your muscles weren't developed enough to heal you… completely…yet." He answered.

"What?" The oranget growled, and Hanataro flinched again. "Isn't that what you're here for?"

"If he heals you while your bones and muscles aren't aligned or developed enough, and fixes them like that, then they're going to stay that way." Renji explained for the frightened shinigami. He didn't look at the orange-haired man the entire time, looking everywhere but in his direction.

Hanataro nodded. "An-and then I'll have to break your bones…" he said, looking away," and I'm not strong enough, or good with that. I'd probably shatter them by mistake…and that would take a lot longer, Kurosaki-kun."

Ichigo continued to scowl him, but eventually deflated and accepting things as they were. "B-but, I'll be back tomorrow," Hanataro chimed tentatively, looking at the tangerine "…then I should be able to. C-Captain Unohana healed you a lot herself when you first got hurt, so it shouldn't take much more." Ichigo smirked and nodded.

"Thanks," he said. "Sorry about that. I just hate laying here. I'm ready to get up and go, you know?" The berry noticed the apparent frown on Renji's face deepen from his comment, but he made no effort to correct himself.

"Yes, I understand." Hanataro nodded, smiling, oblivious to everything. "But maybe tomorrow you'll be able to leave," and Ichigo gave a smile of his own. "Well I should get going." Hanataro said, and started to move towards the door, moving around Renji's larger frame. "Abarai-san…Kurosaki-kun…" he acknowledged. "I'll see you both tomorrow." Then he slid open the door.

"H-hello, Kuchiki-chan." Hanataro greeted, bowing to the young female shinigami. "Look who I found," he yelled back at the two shinigami before moving aside to reveal Rukia. Renji stiffen for reasons he didn't know. Ichigo scowled at her.

She was just about to knock when Hanataro opened the door. "Hello, Yamada-san." She replied, bowing before walking passed him and into her brother's abode. She turned back to him. "Is Ichigo doing okay?"

He nodded. "Yes. I was just about to go report it to Captain Unohana." Rukia hummed her reply and nodded, watching as he bounded out the door, shutting it behind him. Rukia turned back to her two friends, immediately feeling the tension in the room, but she said nothing, instead she moved over to hug Renji as a greeting.

"Hey, Rukia." He said, wrapping his strong arms around her small waist. She pulled away from him and watched as he folded his arms over his chest, closing himself off.

"Why are you making that ugly face?" She scowled, but didn't get an answer. She moved over to Ichigo on the couch and carefully hugged him as well, but the younger didn't reciprocate the endearment. She pulled away from him. "So you're not going to hug me?" She scolded him too, but he didn't answer either.

She moved away from the couch and stood in between the two of them. She looked back and forth. Obviously something went wrong between these two. She concluded. She sauntered over to the window. "Why is it so dark in here," she drew the shutters, permitting the sun's light to illuminate the room.

She didn't get an answer. She was beginning to get upset. "One of you better say something." She growled and waited for something to happen.

"Ren—" Ichigo started to say.

"I need to step out for a little while," Renji said, moving towards the door. He turned to Rukia, his eyes pleading with her. Ichigo caught it. "Rukia, do you mind staying a while until I get back?" She was hesitant. She looked at Ichigo's scowling face and then back to her brother.

"Yeah, sure." She finally said, and he disappeared behind the door. Ichigo growled. That was the second time he had just left him behind. Rukia turned to the berry. "What's going on, Ichigo?" His scowl deepened as he turned to her.

"As if you don't already know," he said darkly. He gauged her puzzled expression.

"What are you talking about?" Ichigo tried to lift himself on his elbows, and Rukia helped him, noticing him struggling to do so. She helped him sit up and moved him so his back rested against the arm of the couch, and she decided to sit in the now open space on the other end.

Ichigo continued to glower, but after a while he gave up and sighed heavily, abating his anger. He looked down at the floor, and it was silent for about ten seconds, and Ichigo released another demurred breath. "…he told me that…he use to…to love me," he finally said, and heard Rukia gasp, obviously aware of what the words meant. Then he turned to look at her and whispered, "…why didn't you tell me…about them, Rukia?" Her eyes faltered and she stared at the floor, and when she spoke it was below a whisper.

"I wanted to…I really did...but…"

X:~/~:X

Renji flashed stepped rapidly. He wasn't able to stand there for much longer with Ichigo staring at him, or Rukia's scrutinizing eyes that were trying to reach into his soul and interrogate him. Now he was berating himself for telling Ichigo anything.

You idiot! Why would you tell him? He reprimanded himself. It was all so pointless telling him, especially since…" He didn't want to think about Ichigo losing his powers and forgetting about him as if he never existed. He's just going to forget about you anyways. He fought the ache that attacked his body. He fought the tears that were threatening yet again to spill over.

He closed his eyes to prevent them from falling, running blindly. That's how his life felt since he met the tangerine. He opened his eyes, and stray tears started rolling down his cheeks. It felt like he was running blindly in a world full of obstacles that he would keep tripping over, not knowing where he was going to end up until he finally stopped. Not knowing what lied ahead for him until he finally tripped over the last obstacle and just lied there. Ichigo losing his powers and forgetting about him was the last obstacle he could take, and he lied there on the ground, not even trying to get back up.

Then someone came along and helped him stand on his feet again. It was the last person he ever expected, but his Captain, and now mate, helped him get back onto his feet, and helped opened his eyes so that he no longer blindly ran astray. Renji hadn't told Ichigo, but during his and Byakuya's walks in the forest of cherry blossoms he would sometimes talk to him about his infatuation with the orange-haired man.

Byakuya helped his realize that now that Ichigo was losing his spiritual powers him and Ichigo wouldn't have much of a future. Those were the comforting moments when he needed someone most and Byakuya was there, listening, and sometimes even holding him when his sobs broke out into whimsical yells, tremors wrecking his body because he'd be crying so hard.

He closed his eyes again, running, and when he was finally tired of running, he opened them. His breath hitched in his chest when he realized where he had aimlessly ended up. He looked up at the symbol of the Sixth Division's barracks. He had once again found Byakuya when he needed someone most. He had once again come to the man that loved him, even knowing of his deep feelings for his friend.

Renji wiped the tears from his face, and ceased his sniffles before walking passed the gate and onto the grounds he was so familiar with. He ambled passed through the throng of shinigami that offered him a perpetual greeting and bowing. He quickly addressed them amiably, feigning a smile until he came upon his Captain's office door.

"Hello, Abarai-san," one of Renji's subordinates said, and bowed. Renji bowed in acknowledgement.

"Hey. Is Captain Kuchiki in his office?" Renji asked.

"Yes," he nodded. "I believe he should be. But if you'll excuse me."

The redhead nodded. "Thanks," he said and moved aside to let him by, and the tattooed man turned back to the door.

"Come in, Abarai-san," he heard Byakuya's phlegmatic voice resound before he could even knock, and he slid it open, walking in and closing it behind him. He noted his mate attending to paperwork as usual, his head bowed as he swiped the brush across the paper.

"I told you to call me by my first name." Renji said. "…And you even added the honorific."

The lethargic man hummed. "When we are in the barracks I will address you formally, and you will do the same." He replied, his eyes never leaving his work. Renji already knew, he'd told him before, but he'd use anything as a deferment from what was really bothering him. Renji grumbled distressed. "What's troubling you?"

The redhead shook his head, choosing to look out the window instead. "It's nothing." Renji turned back to him when he no longer heard the brush swiping across the paper, and in turn Byakuya's bleak ebony eyes were staring directly at him. He knew he was lying and he put down his brush.

"Is this because of that boy?" Byakuya asked darkly, his eyes narrowing slightly. Renji shook his head.

"N-no," he said quickly, lying. "It's not." In an instant Byakuya was standing before him, his finger under his chin, studying his face silently before he gazed into Renji's glassy eyes, red tinting the corners of his eyes.

"Who, or what else could possibly make you cry?" He asked knowingly. Nothing. Nothing else could make him cry. He had never cried over anything else except Ichigo. His childhood was tough, tougher than tough, but he didn't cry, he endured it and came out a stronger person. But Ichigo has been the only reason he's ever cried.

The indifferent Captain watched glossy mahogany eyes quiver as they began to tear up again, and felt Renji's arms wrap around him tightly and his head pressed against his chest, closing his eyes to still the tears on the brims of his eyes. "I need you." Renji whispered. "Things are getting harder to handle on my own." Byakuya wrapped his arms around him, pulling him closer to him.

"Very well…I'll make sure he leaves," the stoic man said smoothly, resting his head atop Renji's. "I'll make sure you never have to see him again." He heard the redhead's breath hitch, and felt him push away from him.

"No!" He said franticly. "Don't do that." He begged before pulling himself closer into the warmth of Byakuya's bosom, laying his head against his chest and wrapping his arms around him again. Renji felt the other man's arms constrict around him and his head rest upon his once again. "I just need…" he trailed, his voice a little above a whisper. "I just need you to hold me…I need you to hold me like you use to." He pressed himself closer to him. "I just need you to hold me again."

Silence fell between them until Byakuya hummed. "Very well…" he whispered, closing his eyes as he pulled his mate closer to him.

X:~/~:X

Ichigo and Rukia were still discussing matters. Rukia explaining why she couldn't tell Ichigo about Renji and Byakuya's relationship because Renji asked her not to, just as Ichigo asked her not to tell Renji of his infatuation with the redhead. As the conversation went deeper, Ichigo also found out that Rukia knew that Renji loved him for quite some time.

"I couldn't believe you didn't see it at first, it was so obvious. So I assumed you just didn't want to see it. And then you told me about your love for Renji and I had no choice but to believe that you were really that clueless to everything, Kurosaki," and she had shaken her head, and that followed with Ichigo shouting a string of curse words.

"So," Rukia began. "Are you going to tell him about how you feel now?" She watched as his eyes looked away and out the window she had opened earlier.

"No." He deadpanned. "It wouldn't make a difference anyways," the berry said imperturbable. "He's just going to disappear like the rest of you in a short while anyways." He tried to sound uncaring but it was proving to be a harder bout than he presumed. "And then he'll eventually be a forgotten memory…" his voice trembled, "…like everyone else."

"I know." Rukia said softly. "But still," she piped up, causing the tangerine to turn back to her. "Don't you think he deserves to know before you leave us?" She tried not to convict her imminent sorrow. Ichigo's eventual departure was hard for nearly everyone to deal with. "You can easily put his mind at ease, Ichigo."

Ichigo didn't answer her. Instead he chose to look back out the window, allowing the quietness to engulf the air for a few minutes. "Is that all you haven't told me?" He turned back to her. "Is there anyone else here that's with someone I know?"

Rukia couldn't quite determine if the slight anger in his tone was real or not, but she thought about the question, and realized that there indeed was some she hadn't told him about. "Yes there is. I don't believe I told you about Kira and Matsumoto-san, have I?" Ichigo gave her the weirdest look he could pull off.

"No…"He breathed out. "Are you serious? Those two?" She only nodded her head.

"Yeah. They were both a shoulder to cry on when Ichimaru Gin died after the war. But it's recent, maybe six months ago." Silently Ichigo wondered if everyone in Soul Society found their companions through just comforting them.

"Anyone else?" He tried not to growl out, clenching his teeth, and she looked up thoughtfully.

"Oh! Shuuhei and Yumichika-san are also together." Ichigo felt terror crawl up his spine. "Yumichika-san was by Shuuhei-san's side nearly every moment after Kaname Tousen's death, and I suppose something just flourished between them." It was unanimous in Ichigo's mind. Everyone finds someone by going through some shit first and then someone else comes along and comforts them…

Ichigo dug the heel of his hands into his eyes, allowing his head to fall back as he leaned against the arm of the couch. "Are you really telling me that everyone has someone, but I couldn't possibly have the one person in this world that I want? …I'm going to die alone." He said. That was never a problem for him until he met and fell head over heels in love with the redhead.

"Well technically, Renji's dead already, so…" she trailed, noting Ichigo digging his hands harder into his eyes, "…I don't know how that changes anything, but…well you have me." She said reassuringly. The orange-haired shinigami looked down at her. "You always have, and always will… even when you lose your powers. I'll be watching over you." She said. "God knows someone needs to."

Ichigo smiled. "Yeah. I guess we have each other, huh?" Rukia offered him a smile of her own before crawling over to him and embracing him against her petite frame.

"Always."

X:~/~:X

Renji didn't get back home until late that night. He moved towards Ichigo's room, but stopped at the door, staring at the mahogany wooden frame before he knocked timidly and opened it.

"Ichi—" he cut himself off when he peeked his head through the opening and saw him sleeping soundly. He quietly closed the door, and sighed. "It's for the best," he reminded himself. He languidly walked to his own room before heading to the bathroom and taking a bath.

He was glad Ichigo was sleep, figuring that his last sleepless night was taking its toll on his body. Renji was beyond exhausted, but there was just too much on his mind for him to sleep, or even think about going to sleep. His mind wheeled haphazardly; more so around the man in the next room, and some thoughts were centered on his emotionally challenged boyfriend.

His mind still troubled him on trying to figure out why Ichigo looked so pained by his confession. Was it too soon after realizing he was gay? Maybe it was the overflow of information he had explained. He didn't know, but all he wanted to do now was lay back, close his eyes and clear his head.

Twenty minutes later, and the front door opened. Renji opened his eyes but didn't bother to move out of the tube when Byakuya walked through the door, he just closed his eyes again and tried his hardest to relax and clear his mind. He wondered if Byakuya was really going to give up on his work for him like he promised. He was never one to break a promise, but he was also never one to dismiss his duties either.

Renji hummed thoughtfully, sinking deeper into tube and closed his eyes, meditating. He stayed in the water for another ten minutes before deciding to get out. He wrapped one of the bathroom towels around his waist and walked out to his shared bedroom, passing by Byakuya's study, noting the man drawing on his papers.

"Abarai," he called without looking up from his work.

"Yes?" The redhead stopped and turned into the doorway.

"Have you —" Byakuya stopped himself as he looked up at the redhead, his bare chest disclosed to him, water sliding over his chiseled abs and other muscles. The only means of concealment being the towel around his waist, and Byakuya glowered at the piece of fabric, but it was hardly noticeable under his already hooded eyes.

The Captain couldn't deny the twitch he felt in his nether regions. Renji had asked that they didn't…relieve themselves with each other since that boy was under his roof. But he didn't exactly say it in such a rude manner. The older cleared his throat.

"Have things been discussed between you and Kurosaki?" He gauged his mate as his disposition tensed slightly and he shook his head. "I see," then he turned his attention back to his work. "I'll speak with him."

Renji lingered in the doorway for a little while longer before turning and heading to his room. He changed into some night garments, deciding to go without a shirt and a tight-fitted hakama, his hair falling over his shoulders and exposed chest. He turned out the room and down the hall to stand in the doorway of Byakuya's study.

Byakuya was intently immersed in his work, head bowed while he maneuvered the brush over random documents and other white sheets. "Yes?" The Captain asked without looking up. Renji fidgeted with the door frame, looking innocently at the man.

"Are you coming to bed?" His voice was naïve, almost childlike. Unlike before, he had no idea what he would say, but he hoped it wasn't the same answer he received the night before.

"Shortly," came that same dry reply he'd received every night for the past three nights, and now it was the fourth. Renji looked down at his bare feet, his heart hurting more than he could perceive. He turned away.

"…okay," he said, his voice was below a whisper.

Byakuya looked up at his back, sensing the sudden feeling of abandonment in his reiatsu, and his always uncompassionate eyes opened wide. "Renji…" he breathed, the name seemed new against his lips.

The man stopped in the doorway. "Yes?" He inquired, however it sounded more like an answer than a question, as if he were answering Byakuya's perception.

The stoic shinigami didn't speak, instead he stared speculatively. "…come to bed." Renji said softly, knowingly. Byakuya continued to stare, until finally he answered.

"…shortly," he whispered.

Renji smiled a sad smile before walking away. Byakuya stared at his back as he left; now staring at the unoccupied space at his door. He turned back down to his work.

The redhead crawled into bed and slipped under the covers, staring out into the night sky. He was convinced that his life was indeed routine, nothing changed no matter how much he begged it to. It was his destiny to suffer in loneliness and heartbreak, and for the first time ever, he cried for someone other than Ichigo, someone who was long overdue for his tears. He cried for himself.

These tears were so foreign to him that they blackened everything around him. He didn't notice the bedroom door open, or the other reiatsu in the room with him, or the shifting at the foot of the bed, or the fingers that ran through his hair and tied the loose locks into its usual ponytail, all he heard was his own solitude drumming against his heart.

Then he felt an arm wrap around his shaking body, but he couldn't stop his cries to care. "…I'm sorry," he heard a deep silky voice say vehemently. Once he cried his last tear ten minutes later he was just a sniffling ball as he curled against the warm body behind him. And once his mind cleared enough he felt the familiar reiatsu surround, and caress him.

"I don't ever want you to feel such seclusion because of my mistakes." Renji sobbed, another tear rolling down his cheek. Byakuya pulled him closer and buried his nose in the crook of his neck before softly kissing the heated flesh. Renji said nothing. "I'm sorry…we're hurting you."

Byakuya didn't get a reply. He felt the younger trembling in his arms before his cries started again. He didn't say anything. He only held him and let him cry, waiting silently and patiently until minutes turned to hours and he had finally cried himself to sleep in his arms as he had many times before.

Byakuya pulled him flush against his body and placed a kiss atop his head. "You are not alone. As long as I can still take in breath, you will never be alone." He kissed his head again before sighing complacently. He finally felt contentment in Renji's reiatsu…a feeling he hadn't felt from his mate in a long time.