Author's note: This is going to be a challenge with the no-NC-17 parameter. I tried to be as vague as possible.

Chapter 6

My hand tightened around the all-too familiar weapon. Its warm texture was an extension of me: rough and uneven and powerful. My mind adds that it's also a piece of dead wood from a fallen tree. Dead. Like I will be after seeing this to its end.

I know in my heart that once Spike is gone I would never be happy again. All my smiles, all my laughs they will empty from now on. The sixteen-year-old girl had managed to pull herself back together. The twenty-one year-old woman could not.

But even with the certainty of my own future misery, I had to give him this. I had to deliver him from this obscene half-existence.

I used my key to gain access to him. He was lying on his cot. His eyes were open but lost in the blank ceiling. I won't accept this. I want one more look from him. One more passion-filled gazed that told of a deep, primeval love. I never appreciated what he freely gave but now I need it like oxygen. I wanted one more time as his love, as his woman.

The stake falls from my hands and clatters to the unfinished floor. I don't need the Slayer for this. I need Buffy.

My hands tear at my clothing and the thin fabric gives way. Within moments it's all tangled on my feet. I remove my boots and the tie from my hair that tumbles around my shoulders. He loved my hair and I could still feel his expert fingers running through it like it was spun gold. I step out of my underwear and he blinks. I am getting through to him.

I climb on top of his prone, fragile body taking care not to injure him any more. He seems more aware and his eyes bore into mine trying to discern if I'm here to hurt him.

"Baby" I whisper "This is my last-ditch effort to get you back to me. Please help me"

I kiss his full lips. They are just as tender and soft like I remembered. He doesn't return the kiss but opens his mouth ever so slightly to allow me easy access. Even in this condition he would not deny me.

I won't deny him either, not anymore.

My body stretches so that we are bare skin to bare skin. I continue my ministrations doing all the things that I know he loves even if he is not showing it at the moment. His form is as familiar and inviting as a well-explored territory. I rub myself against him and he responds. The need in him is still living and well.

"I need you too" and that was my truth.

He came alive then. Met my caresses with his own. His lips drinking hungrily from my mouth. His hands pulling me closer as if a lifeline. I knew that he was fighting his demons that were trying to pull him away from me, from us.

"Fight this. Stay with me" I urged him desperately.

He responded in ardor. He consumed me. I had never been loved like Spike loves me.

Yet, he remains a silent participant but his eyes tell me that he is feeling right alongside me. We crash in waves of unadulterated climax. Peak after peak. I can't hold my cries in and can only hope that Justin Timberlake's falsetto is high enough to drown all other sounds in Dawn's room. A moment later I don't even care. There is nobody else but us.

+++++++++++++++++

I lie exhausted in his arms. Sated and happy in the afterglow. This is the first time I let myself enjoy it because in the past I was always making the hasty, unromantic retreat. I realize now that I was trying to prove to myself that he didn't matter, that he was just and unfeeling creature that deserved to be treated in such a manner. I was blind to his suffering, to his frustration, to his unwavering devotion. I promised myself that I would never again take him for granted even if he never got his voice back and was permanently lost in madness. I knew what his heart held.

He was looking at me with his soft blue eyes. My fingers caressed his bruised-looking mouth. I had gotten a little too 'passionate' in my enthusiasm. I was sure that his back had long scratches from my fingernails and his neck was a mass of love bites and hickeys. Never let it said that the slayer did not leave her mark.

A single tear fell from the clear blue depths. It broke my heart and I held him even closer as he sobbed his pain and love. My own tears joined his. It's been so hard.

After the tears are dry, I move to get up. He whimpers a little and holds on to my arm. I crumble against his need and fall into the bed once more.

TBC.