So Kendall posted the most adorable video on instagram today for James's birthday, and I actually have watched it around 30 times today.

That's why I'm writing this at 12:36 in the morning, even though I have driver's ed in the morning.

The netflix date happens, and also drama. Also, triggers for sexual assault, as a warning.

Hope ya'll enjoy.

The rest of that week was hectic and crazy. I began working on an EP for one of my classes (I had to write a 6-song EP by the end of the semester, which was proving far more difficult than it sounds.), and was spending hours in the music room. I never saw Lucy again that week, but my scarf ended up on the table where I typically sit, so I knew she had been by since the night we ran into each other.

But as the weekend drew closer, I found myself wanting to drown myself in my music and cancel the date with James in favor of working. Not because I wasn't interested, I really did like him; he's hot as hell and if he's interested in me, then I shouldn't have any issues dating him, right? Not exactly. See, sexual assault doesn't exactly leave people feeling too open for new relationships, even if it has been a little over a year.

But, as Friday finally reared it's ugly head, I found myself heading out of the music building well before dark. In fact, there were still dozens of students lounging around, even commuting to classes and dorms. I took a deep breath as I stepped onto our floor (I took the stairs and moved as slowly as possible, as to prolong my suffering) and finally entered our room.

James was absent, as he wouldn't be here for another hour, but it gave me time to get my bearings together and relax myself. Normally, whenever I was stressed or freaked out about something, I would listen to music and crawl under a blanket for an hour or so. But this time was different, just something didn't feel normal about this anxiety. It was almost... positive. Good stress.

I'd never really felt it before.

An hour passed all too soon and James barged in, carrying a large paper bag in one arm and his hoodie in the other.

"I'm here! With food!" James announced, dropping his hoodie onto his desk chair and then setting the bag on the table. He began digging through it and produced a box of popcorn.

"Popcorn..." he mumbled to himself as he pulled things out of the bag. "Cheetos... More ranch..." he stowed the ranch dressing in the mini fridge and kept going until the bag was empty, it's contents either put away or splayed out on his desk.

"You ready for our date, Kenny?" James smiled, turning to me.

"Kenny? Since when was I Kenny when you were sober?" I laughed.

"Aw, you don't like pet names? Darn, I was really looking forward to calling you pooky in front of all of our friends."

"Pet names are fine I guess, just not Kenny. Makes me think of South Park."

James shrugged. "Fair enough."

He produced his laptop and placed it on my bed. "Just remember, if you get too scared, we can always cuddle." James teased.

"Of course." I rolled my eyes.

James popped the popcorn and we dug into the snacks. Halfway through the third laughably bad horror flick, James sat up and paused the movie. "You wanna order pizza?"

"Sure." I shrugged.

James picked up his phone and went into the bathroom to get better signal. (Turns out our room was the only dead spot in all of LA.) Upon emerging, he flung himself onto the bed, making me bounce up slightly with an "Oof!"

"You alright?" James asked.

"Peachy." I moaned, rolling over. James was laying on his side, his shirt riding up, revealing his toned stomach. His hair was messy and his glasses gleamed off the computer screen. (He had abandoned his contacts and hour ago, saying they were bothering his eyes.)

He was, to put it simply, hotter than he was normally.

"You alright there, loverboy?" James asked, edging closer.

"F-fine." I stuttered.

The gap between us was slowly closing. Suddenly, warm fingers were on my back, and his forehead was touching mine. I felt his lips press against mine softly, before pulling away and rolling over onto his back.

"Finally." he sighed.

We layed there in an awkward silence before he asked: "Can we do that again?"

"...Sure."

...And then, I don't know what happened. It was so nice, feeling his lips on mine, moving slowly and gently. He wasn't pushing me. He wasn't forcing me to do anything I didn't want to do. It was nice.

But it couldn't last.

I pulled away, speaking way too loudly. "I think that was the pizza guy I should go pay him yeah I'm gonna go pay him." Three sentences ran together in one, long, mish-mash sentence. I crawled out of bed and walked to the door, making my escape.

I knew the excuse was total bullshit. I just couldn't believe myself. I had finally been enjoying myself, a night laughing at shitty horror movies with a cute boy who I was ridiculously attracted to. I should have known it would evolve into a makeout session. I should have known.

I sat down in the hallway and put my head between my knees. "Damnit." I mumbled, trying not to shake or cry. "Damnit, just, damnit."

"Kendall?" I looked up and saw Logan staring down at me.

"Oh, hey." I said softly, looking up at him.

Logan slid down the wall next to me. "You okay?" he asked, setting his bag next to him.

"Yeah, I'm just being stupid." I muttered. "It's no big deal."

"Well, you're on the verge of tears in the hallway on you and James's big date night. It must be a pretty 'big deal'." He makes air quotes around "big deal".

I guess if there's anyone of my not-so-new school friends I could break it to first, it would be Logan.

"Can you keep a secret?" I asked softly.

"Yeah, sure." Logan said, putting his hand on my shoulder.

"Back when I was in high school... I had this boyfriend. He and I dated for two years, and at first, it was great. He was the sweetest thing. I loved him so much. Then... then he developed a bit of a drinking problem. He was a fun drunk though... he never hit me or threatened me... until one night..." I caught myself sniffling. Well shit, there goes not crying. "He came over after getting drunk... he had a friend drop him off, he knew not to drink and drive, he was a pretty sensible drunk, usually..." I laughed bitterly to myself. "But, he came over... and then... he- he beat the shit out of me and then tried to get me to have sex with him. Luckily, he laid off after I started fighting back... but I could never get that feeling off my skin. I took a two hour shower after I kicked him out, but I couldn't get rid of the feeling. That was a year ago. I still sometime wake up and can feel his hands holding me down... I just... I just don't..." I trailed off.

"So, James made a move on you, and it made you feel threatened." Logan nodded.

"But I liked it when James kissed me!" I said, frustrated. "It was so good, and then... then I just- panicked, I guess."

Logan nodded. "Do you feel like you can trust James?"

I thought about it for a minute. Other than that party before school started, James had been flirty and teasing, but never hurtful or disrespectful. Even when he had been begging me to have sex with him in a drunken stupor, he was apologetic both sober and drunk after I told him I wasn't interested.

"Yeah, yeah I do." I said finally.

"Then you should get back in there! James is really into you, man. You should hear him talk about you when I tutor him. He won't shut up! It's always 'Oh, Kendall did this really cute thing the other day!' or 'Jesus, I really hope he's into me'. He really wants you to be with him, Kendall." Logan said.

"Just, maybe explain things to him?" I asked. Logan nodded.

"It'll be okay, Kendall. I promise." Logan stood and extended his hand to me.

"Good luck." He patted me on the shoulder and pushed me towards the door.

I took a deep breath and stepped inside.

"Sorry, not the pizza guy." I said sheepishly.

"...I head you and Logan talking." James said after a long pause, avoiding my gaze.

"You did?"

"These walls are pretty thin, Kendall. I think we've learned this the hard way." James laughed awkwardly.

"Oh... well..."

"I understand, I really do."

I nodded, staring at my feet.

"You... wanna watch the rest of that movie? From a respectable distance, of course." James reached out cautiously for my hand.

"I'd like that." I smiled, taking his hand. "I'd really like that."

We spent the rest of our night like that, holding hands from opposite sides of the bed, eating and watching movies until we both fell asleep sometime around two in the morning.

Someone banging on the locked bathroom door woke us up around 11 am.

"Rise and shine, lovebirds, we're going to McDonalds!" Carlos shouted.

I rolled over on my back and looked at James, our hands still locked. I'd done it. I'd dated another person, and they hadn't freaked out like I'd worried. James didn't mind, he was understanding.

And that meant the world to me in that moment, staring up at the bottom of the top bunk, feeling high on an emotion I hadn't felt in a year.

Passion, hope... maybe even the first stirrings of love.

Well, this happened.

This got more serious than I originally planned, hopefully more lighthearted stuff is on the way!

Thanks for reading, it means the world to me.