Evenings with Lenny

by Duppy Conqueror

Set between Ryan's firing and his reinstatement. What's a guy to do when advice is coming from all sides? Listen to Lenny. RaVe, R&R. T for now, but maybe M later, depending on your take on things.

6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I own nothing related to CSI: Miami. Duh.

A/N: Lyrics and Title taken from Hawksley Workman's song "Get Addicted" found on the album entitled "Lover/Fighter". The quotes are Lenny Bruce's creations.

Chapter 6: People Get Addicted

"All my humor is based upon destruction and despair. If the whole world were tranquil, without disease and violence, I'd be standing on the breadline right in back of J. Edgar Hoover."

"If you can take the hot lead enema, then you can cast the first stone."

-Lenny Bruce

Ah, people get addicted, it's a problem around here
And I'm afflicted
And the reports all say
Something I guessed I'd have chosen not to listen
Just a busy by the bush, just a puking and a pissing
Got the whiskey in my blood and hell dammit I'm in love
And I'm addicted
C'mon everybody, get addicted

And I'm guilty, baby I'm so guilty
Just for being born, being white, wrong or right, back and forth
For the poor, for a ball, for the deep or for our soul
I'm addicted, and I'm ready to kill for it
'Cause I'm addicted

Ryan covered his face with his hands. "Not this again."

"Yes this again," Lenny lit a cigarette and stretched out across Ryan's bed. "What did I tell you about this whole gig? I come in the night, when you're asleep, like Santy Claus, or your parents when they're trying to do it quietly so as not to wake you up."

Ryan groaned mournfully when the inevitable mental image of his parents in the midst of coitus swam into his head. "I'm not fit for this right now. It's been a long night."

"No kidding Officer. Tell me what's the quality of the wacky baccy here in Miami these days? It's been awhile since I've sampled it."

"Shut up." Ryan put his hands over his ears. "Shut up, shut up, shut up. You're not here. You don't show up cause it's night, or cause I need spiritual guidance, you're here cause I drank too much wine with Poppy and was drugged by the Jewish version of Cheech and Chong."

Lenny sat up and tossed his cigarette aside angrily. It, like the one before, disappeared with tiny popping sound. "Hey! Hey you listen to me kid. I didn't make you drink that wine, or feed you those brownies. You dig? How was I to know when they sent me down here you'd start going through your experimental phase?" He stood up and paced to the window. "And if you won't believe me, there's someone who wants to talk to you that you might trust a bit more."

Ryan rolled his eyes. "Who? Is my old therapist Dr. Stein about to appear to me? Because I heard he kicked it a few years back."

"No. Not Dr. Stein," Lenny peered briefly over his shoulder at Ryan before turning back to the window. "And, I wouldn't take such a disparaging tone when mentioning the good doctor if I were you. If it wasn't for him you'd still taking three turns around the room before leaving it and sleeping on the floor so you don't muss up your bed."

The color drained from Ryan's face at this remark. He'd told everyone he was close to in Miami that he was kind of OCD, but he'd never told any of them, not even Maxine, just how OCD he used to be. "How do you know about that?" He asked desperately. "If you're real and not from my head how do you know about that? You said you can't read minds."

"I can't kid."

"Then how do you know?"

"She told me."

Ryan was confused, confused and exposed. "Who told you? Who's she?"

Lenny turned around and leaned back on the window with his arms crossed. The conversation was about to get much heavier and he needed something to brace himself against. Even the incorporeal need support now and again. "The person responsible for getting you help. You know who I mean. She came up tonight in conversation earlier tonight if I remember correctly."

A cold chill ran down Ryan's spine as realization struck. He knew who Lenny was talking about, but he also knew it was impossible. Lenny wasn't real, and he didn't actually come down from Heaven. There was no Heaven. There was no Heaven, and no Hell, so she wasn't in either with him. They didn't watch him and chat about his antics down here on Earth. She was just gone. Taken away, murdered and gone, just like all the bodies he saw every day. She was nothing but three cubic feet of bone, blood and meat. When the life was snuffed out of that all that was left of her was what she had been to him, and the people who loved her. Memories, that's all she was now, memories and agony.

Lenny noticed the change in Ryan's demeanor so he waited. He waited to see if the younger man would acknowledge his realization in any way. But he didn't. He just sat in his bed, cold and withdrawn, displaying the same face Shem had seen earlier. Her name hung between them unsaid but echoing. It wasn't in Lenny's nature to let anything go unsaid. On Earth as it is in Heaven, so in death he did exactly what he would have in life. He threw the words, no matter how painful they were, out into the open.

"You know, if we're going to make any progress here, we're going to have to deal with Janice."

Ryan's eyes widened and he jumped out of bed. It was one thing to dream that one of your heroes had come to help you confront your demons. It was another thing entirely when that dream took on a life of its own and poked at your deepest wounds. "Don't say that." It was half a command and half a plea.

Lenny raised an eyebrow. "Don't say what?"

Ryan advanced on him. He no longer cared if the man in front of him was real or not. He wouldn't let him use her, not for any purpose. "Don't say her name. You didn't know her."

Lenny stepped out of Ryan's path gracefully. "What? You don't want me to say what? Janice's name? I can't say Janice?" He stressed her name with each question like a teacher calling roll.

Ryan tried to reach for the man, to throttle him, but he couldn't. Like most dream figures Lenny remained just out of reach. The thing with no longer being subject to the laws of physics is that you get much more flexible.

"You don't get to say her name!" Ryan settled on pointing at Lenny if he couldn't touch him. "You don't get to talk about her. No one gets to talk about her to me like they know what it's like."

Lenny put up his hands in defense. "Alright, alright settle down Officer. What don't I know? What's it like?"

Ryan slumped onto his bed and put his face in his hands. He could feel the urge to cry coming on, and the wetness he felt on his hands led him to believe he might have already started. "I can't, I can't talk about this with you. This is insane."

Lenny stared at the obviously defeated man in front of him and turned his face to the sky. "Honestly, the things you ask of me." He shrugged his shoulders. He was about to break a lot of rules. Not that breaking the rules was unfamiliar territory for him. He'd broken lots of man's and God's rules in his time. He'd just never done it while being employed by the Creator. "Okay, okay so maybe you don't talk to me about it. You say I can't understand it. Well, she was there, she'd understand."

Ryan sobbed out loud but didn't look up from his hands. "She's dead! Don't you get it? She's gone. I can't talk to you, I can't talk to her. You're dead, she's dead and none of this is real. I'm just torturing myself as usual."

Lenny sighed and bent down next to Ryan. He placed a hand on the younger man's shoulder and rubbed. It took a lot of concentration to touch, so he kept his next statement short. "Alright, Toots I think we need you."

The first thing Ryan noticed was that Lenny was touching him. How could a ghost do that? The next thing he was aware of was the smell. A smell he'd known his whole life, but had forgotten in recent times had permeated the room. It was her scent. He'd know it anywhere. But, it couldn't be. He felt a cool breeze hit his forehead, and then he heard something he never expected to hear again.

"Hey Sweetness."

He looked up and there she was. Janice O'Rourke the woman who had practically raised him. Or rather, the woman his parents had hired to watch over him in his youngest years, but she'd done so much more for him, been so much more to him. Until the night a mad man had broken into her apartment and sliced her up and bled her out. He'd taken her life and most of Ryan's innocence that night. The police never identified the killer, all they knew was he was a serial and highly dangerous.

But right now she seemed alive and real. She looked just as she did in his earliest memories. Young and beautiful, her red hair falling down her back, and she was smiling at him, only for him. He could almost pretend that all of his life after the age of five had never happened. That it had all been a dream, and Janice, like always was here to wake him up, to fold him up in her arms and tell him it was just a nightmare, nothing more.

"Janice?" He wanted to reach for her but was unsure what would happen. Hell, he didn't know what was happening.

Janice for her part was just as choked up. It had been so long since she'd seen him last. He was such a man now; a man with real, adult problems. But he still had the same eyes as the tiny baby his parent's had put in her arms at the interview, just to see how he'd react to her.

"Hi baby," It was the exact same thing she'd said to him that first day twenty-six years ago. "How are you doing?"

"Not good." Ryan admitted. "I miss you."

Janice could hold back no longer. She made every effort to be real enough to hold him. Then she lunged for him.

"Oh, Precious I miss you too." She enveloped him in the kind of hug she'd usually reserved for when he hurt himself playing, or more likely, when the other kids had hurt him while playing.

Lenny observed the reunion taking place in front of him and started to get worried. Janice was not sticking to the agreed upon script, which had gone something like this:

Lenny: I just want you to appear, tell him he needs to get over you, and to get the help he needs. And, I may not even need you to. I'm just saying if things go South, I might need an assist.

Janice: I want to see him. Can I see him?

Lenny (with increasing distress): Now listen. You're not even supposed to come with me. I could get in a lot of trouble here.

Janice: Let me see him.

Lenny (really agitated by this point): Look lady, what happened to you was horrible. Truly horrible, but you gotta work with me here. You only come out if I need you. And, you are brief and to the point about it. Understand?"

Janice: So I say what you want and I get to see him?

Lenny (somewhat softer): Yeah, you say what I tell you and you get to see him. I just need you to tell him it's time to deal with his anger and sadness over you, okay?

Janice (smiling sadly): Yeah okay, I want him to move on too. I can't bear the thought of me being the reason for his troubles. That wasn't my intention when I came into his life.

Lenny (polite, but don't tell anyone): Yeah well, none of it's your fault okay. You suffered enough to get here. No suffering now.

But Janice was not telling Ryan he needed to move on and get over her. She wasn't saying anything, just clinging to her former charge.

There are reasons why certain things are against the rules. Many people ascribe to the belief that a rule only gets developed after someone breaks it. Or more accurately, since you can't break a rule that hasn't been made, that they get made up in response to a stupid action on the part of someone, which makes the people in charge realize that action should be regulated. Lenny would never know if what occurred next was why the dead are not, under any circumstances, unless directed by Himself, to visit the living. But, he was pretty sure that bringing Janice with him was going to be counted by the higher ups as a dumb action on his part.

He reached out and nudged Janice, trying to get her to play her part. But, as soon as his hand made contact with her back he realized that she and Ryan were not going to pay him any attention. Neither of them were currently with him in Ryan's bedroom, instead they were both revisiting 1981. Unfortunately for Lenny, Janice had concentrated so hard on touching Ryan she'd actually gone right through so to speak to his inner self, which was laid bare after so much emotional upheaval. And, now Lenny was being pulled into their exchange of memories and emotions. He'd tried, but failed to remove his hand from Janice's back and was forced to watch as she and Ryan relived the good and bad parts of their shared story.

xxXxx

Boston University, 1981

Janice O'Rourke stood in front of an office door marked Dr. Leonard Wolfe. The door itself was cracked open just enough to encourage students to knock when they needed help, and also to afford the person inside privacy to think and write. Dr. Wolfe had taught her Introduction to Political Theory in the spring semester and she'd done well. So well, in fact, that he had told her she should be proud as not many undergrads achieved such grades in their first year. Janice had soaked up the praise, as Dr. Wolfe was not only her favorite professor, but he was also known to be quite the up and comer in political theory circles. The thought that anyone who was educated, from a big city, New York no less, and had such a reputation would notice her smarts had been more than she could hope for.

She came from a small New England town where everyone was Irish Catholic and content to be born, live and die in the same place. Janice had always wanted more. She liked her home town and she loved her family, but she used to watch the Mary Tyler Moore Show and read her aunts copies of Vogue and yearn. She wanted to be in a big city, more specifically New York City. She wanted lights, and cabs and pretty dresses. And, most of all, she wanted books, conversations and art. So she'd studied hard and worked a summer job every year from the age of thirteen till she graduated high school. Then she'd applied for university in Boston. It wasn't New York, but it was a first step towards her ultimate goal.

The only problem was all her babysitting money and malt shop pay cheques couldn't make university affordable, even with her meager, but admirable scholarship. She'd made it through the first year on bread and jam sandwiches and tenacity. In order to stay at school and finish though, she would need to supplement her income. Going home to work in a local diner had helped to increase her cash flow, but it had also pressed upon her that you really can't ever go home again. A year of big city life filled with new friends, learning, museums and restaurants had made her realize that home, while it would always be home, could also become a straight jacket if she stayed to long. She needed work, because she needed to stay in school, to stay in Boston, there was no other alternative.

The problem was she needed flexible work, the kind of work that wouldn't encroach too much on her studies. Boston was full of places to get part time work, but those places expected you to be willing and able whenever, wherever. There were too many other people looking to make it in the City who would work long hours for her to cut it at a restaurant or a shop. Plus, she had a sneaking suspicion that if she went to work in the kind of job that had the potential to become long term work the money would make it too tempting just to quit school altogether. This wouldn't do, she had to keep her eye on the prize even if it meant being severely poor now. The gains would be greater later if she finished university instead of becoming a shop girl.

She'd come back to Boston two weeks before the beginning of term to start her job hunt, but it proved rather fruitless until the day she was hanging about the Political Science department and overheard Dr. Wolfe talking to Dr. Bustin, the specialist on African politics, about his young family. Apparently, Dr. Wolfe's wife had given birth to their second child, a boy, in July, and while she was entitled to six months maternity leave, she was starting to go "stir crazy". It wasn't of course anything to do with the child, Dr. Wolfe had been quick to point out, it was just that his wife, Esther, was also an academic, and she longed to return to her work. She too was rapidly becoming known in her chosen field of Women's Studies. The seventies were over and it was a fruitful time in this newly born field. Esther did not, Dr. Wolfe explained, want to fall behind her peers.

Janice had absorbed the information and decided she was the answer to the Wolfe's, or more specifically, Mrs. Wolfe's problem and they were the answer to hers. She took a deep breath and knocked on the door in front of her. A beat passed before she heard the call that she should enter.

"Um, hi, Dr. Wolfe," Janice stuttered a little as she pushed open his door.

Leonard Wolfe looked up surprised to her. It was still a little early for undergraduates to be back on campus. But, he was always glad to see any of his students, provided he wasn't writing against a deadline. "Hello, Janice, it is Janice isn't it?"

"Yes Sir, it is," Janice cringed as she said "Sir". A number of her profs had admonished her for using "Sir" and "Miss" as it was too formal for the taste of academics bred in the seventies, but she couldn't help it. Catholic school died hard. "Um, Sir, Dr. Wolfe, I mean, I don't want you to think I was eavesdropping, but I was going to see Dr. Bustin the other day, to ask about maybe taking his second year course on Southern African politics and you were in his office. I heard you talking about your wife's wanting to go back to work, and how it was a struggle to find someone to leave the baby with. I know that must be hard Sir, I'm from a big family myself. But I was wondering, well, I need a job or I can't stay here, and I want to finish school. So I could maybe baby-sit for you. I have lots of references and lots of experience. I swear I'm really good with kids."

She nearly died as she said it all, and she was sure it came out in an incoherent rush but she'd done it. There was too much at stake not to take every chance she could.

It took Leonard a few moments to decipher what she was proposing, but once he did, and he had a good look at her, taking in her determined stance and her red hair and freckles he thought she just might be on to something. Things were okay but busy with him and Esther, as neither of them had formal, full time work. Academia had the benefit of flexible hours, but Esther needed time away from the kids, time for herself so she could read and write. Perhaps Janice was the answer. He knew she was a hard working student, and if she put half the effort into her job as she did her school work it would certainly help ease the burden at home.

"You know Janice, you might just be on to something," He indicated to the chair in front of his desk. "Why don't you sit down and we'll have a chat about your experience with kids and maybe look into scheduling issues. I wouldn't want your time with us to impede your studies in any way."

xxXxx

And for the most part working for the Wolfe's hadn't. In fact, Janice would always believe, and state to everyone she knew, that she had gained much more than a pay cheque the day she'd shown up at their Boston town house for an interview with Dr. Wolfe and his family.

She'd been nervous at first to meet Esther. The woman was a legend in her own time for managing to combine feminism with what some called an adherence to a rather conservative Jewish culture. Her story was made only more romantic by the fact she'd managed to marry one of the most secular and openly pro-Palestinian young Jewish scholars on the go. Janice was in awe of Esther's professional career and also worried that the woman would not want to trust her with her children. It didn't matter how much Leonard liked her, or how glowing her recommendations were if the mother and children would have no part of her. But, Esther had loved her, had been happy, "a young, smart girl will be here for our Rachel to look up to". Rachel for her part had been standoffish with Janice at first sight as she felt that at four years old, and about to start kindergarten she was far too old for a babysitter.

"I'm not a baby, so I don't need a babysitter," Rachel had told her after they were introduced. "But he is," She pointed at the sleeping boy in his cot. "So, I don't mind if you're here when I get home from school. Maybe we can play." She said the last part in a way that said it would only happen if she, Rachel, felt like being nice to Janice.

Janice had just smiled and been delighted at Rachel's obvious bid for independence.

"Well, I understand, you're clearly a very big girl." This made the child in front of her beam. "But, I do hope you'll have time some days to play because I really love playing Barbies, and none of my friends will play with them anymore."

Rachel's eyes lit up. Babysitter or not this was someone she could relate to. "You like Barbies? I love Barbies! But," Her face became sour. "I only have three because Mommy says they c'rate unreal 'spectations of women."

Janice bit back the urge to laugh out loud at a four year old repeating feminist dogma. "I guess she does have rather unreal measurements, but it's still fun to dress her up don't you think?"

Rachel nodded vigorously in agreement. She had what her mother called an, "unhealthy attachment to clothes and material goods". In the years to come Janice would sneak her old Barbies out of her bedroom back at her parent's house, and into Rachel's closet like some kind of Underground Railway for the most glamorous women in the world.

"And this," Leonard began interrupting the bonding between Janice and his daughter, "is Ryan. Your main charge so to speak." He gently lifted his sleeping son from the cot and brought him towards Janice.

Esther took her arm and led her towards the couch. "Here, sit down, take him, see how you both feel."

Janice thought it was all a bit New Age, but she acquiesced at sat down and held her arms out for the baby. As soon as his head touched the crook of her arm his eyes popped open. Janice bit her lip and waited, trying to tell if he was about screw up his face and wail, thus dashing all her hopes of viable employment. But, he seemed fine. His eyes, which were huge, like most babies, and a deep green, like his mother's just bore into hers for several long seconds. Janice felt a wave of emotions hit her and wondered if every woman felt like this when they held a baby. She smiled down at the infant in her arms and offered him her index finger to hold. Ryan immediately wrapped his tiny, but chubby fingers around it.

"Hi, Baby," she figured an introduction was in order. "I'm Janice. How are you?"

She was horrified when his response was a quivering chin, a red face and a loud cry. She tried to resist the urge to drop him or hand him back. Instead she cooed at him and tried to get him to stop. Please, Please don't do this now baby I need a job. She chanced a look at Esther and Leonard, expecting them to be glaring at her with pity or dissatisfaction. But they were just watching her. It was as if they expected her to determine what was wrong with the child. Janice panicked mildly at this thought, but tried to recall her previous experiences with younger siblings and neighbor kids.

"Um, okay, okay, you just woke up, I'd be a little upset to if my nap was interrupted, er, let's check that diaper." She put the baby over her shoulder and stuck a finger in the bottom of his onesie. The diaper was dry, on to option two. "Well, I guess at your age you're always hungry hey? Maybe you need to be fed?"

Esther clapped her hands together and came towards them. "Oh, see, she's perfect. And she's right, isn't she right zeeskeit?" Esther was clearly addressing the baby, not Janice. "I breast feed," now she was talking to Janice. "But, I also keep some pumped in bottles in the fridge of Leonard can feed him, and I thought you might like to today."

Janice wasn't sure if like was the word she'd use. "Uh, okay."

Esther made a few more cooing sounds at Ryan then rushed away towards what Janice guessed was the direction of the kitchen. She returned moments later with a bottle and handed it to the younger woman. Janice accepted it, took a deep breath and prayed to her God she got this right. Don't let me smack him in the face, please let him take the nipple, and for the love of all things holy, make him stop crying. Rachel seemed to feel the same way because she was sitting in an easy chair with her hands over her ears screaming that the baby was too loud. She aimed the bottle at his mouth and took a chance. Luckily, Ryan seemed more than happy to acquiesce, and began greedily sucking on the bottle.

"Hey, hey there, it'll still be here if you slow down." Janice said as she remembered to angle the bottle to slow the flow of milk. "We don't need you getting gassy."

"Oh!" Esther looked thrilled. "She knows just what to do." She came and kneeled on the floor in front of Janice and Ryan. "Janice, I think you're just what we need. And, I should be here most of the time when you're here if you need anything, or he just doesn't want anyone but Mommy. What do you think? Would you like to be our children's caregiver?"

Janice fought the urge to laugh at the term caregiver. But, she knew she could probably expect more such gems from Esther. The woman had yet to come into the eighties and still wore her hair long and parted at the center. Her outfit on that day, and as Janice would come to realize, on every day, consisted of a long skirt, a blowsy tunic and tons of eccentric jewelry. It was a sharp contrast to Leonard in his sweater vest and pleated pants. Everyone in the family was a study in individualism it seemed as little Rachel, now that Janice had a good look at her, was wearing a rather formal pinafore dress complete with white stockings and patent mary janes. There were even ribbons in her brown wavy hair.

Janice took this all in and wondered if she wanted to be part of such a family. She then cast a look down at the child in her arms who was still gulping down his lunch. Then she looked back up at his family. Clearly, he was going to need her. "Yes, yes I would love to be your children's bab-caregiver."

"Wonderful!" Esther exclaimed. "Oh, look he's done, why don't you let me take him and we'll show you around the house?"

Janice popped the nipple out of Ryan's mouth and handed him to his mother. Esther put him over his shoulder and began to rub his back.

"I'll burp him while we walk, come on, the kitchen is this way." She stood up and beckoned Janice to follow her. "What do you think bubbalah?" She asked the baby in her arms. "Are you happy Janice is going to stay with you when Momma has to work?"

Ryan's only answer was a loud belch that made his mother laugh. "I think that's a yes." She said, winking at Janice.

The tour of the house consisted of viewings of all the major rooms pertinent to Rachel and Ryan's care. The nursery, the kitchen, the bathroom, and finally, as she insisted it be saved for last, Rachel's bedroom. It was a pink, frothy confectionery of a room that clearly gave her mother no end of aggravation. Her three Barbies sat in the center of her bed looking glamorous and well kept.

Rachel took Janice by the hand and led her around the room. "This is my vanity table. I don't have any make up…yet." It was said with a pout. Then hopeful eyes turned upwards towards Janice. "Do you have any make up? What about lipstick? I love lipstick. Maybe when you're here we can do makeovers?"

Janice didn't want to say yes in front of Esther. "Er, maybe, if your mom says it's okay."

Rachel let out a huff. "She won't."

xxXxx

But, Esther did say yes. Not all the time, but often enough to keep Rachel happy. Janice, like any addition to a family brought changes, and Leonard and Esther did their best to maintain consistency, but allow for fun diversions when it came to raising their children. That was why two years later Esther found herself sitting on a pillow in the middle of her living room allowing Rachel to play with her hair and do her make up.

Rachel had been pushing at Janice for weeks for permission to ask to give her mother to do a make over. Janice had tried to nip any such aspirations in the bud, as she could only imagine Esther's reaction to the statement, "Mom you need a makeover". But, Ryan was now two years old and going through the phase all toddlers experience at that age. He was such a handful that Janice couldn't always keep tabs on his six year old, too shrewd for her age, sister. Eventually, Rachel made it to Esther and expressed her concerns about her mother's appearance. To say Esther was horrified and maybe even a little mortified would not be an overstatement of the facts.

Janice, however, had thought fast and found a way to explain the matter to Esther in a way that appealed to the woman. "It's not that Rachel thinks your ugly, or that any other woman, for that matter is ugly. She just likes pretty things. Well made things, like say an architect, or an artist would. In fact, she wants to play makeover with you because she'd like a little one on one time with her mother. And, she thinks you're face and hair are so pretty, just a perfect canvas, isn't that right Rachel?"

Rachel was still too young to fully grasp what a canvas and artistic expression were. But, she was smart enough to know that Janice was giving her clear indications to agree, and that agreeing would get her what she wanted. "Yes. Mommy please can I brush your hair? I love your hair. It's so shiny and long." It wasn't a lie. Despite her insistence on wearing her own hair in a pageboy bob, Rachel did love her mother's hair. It gave her comfort to touch it whenever her mother held her.

Rachel, like any well meaning mother could not resist such a plea from her first born. "Alright Mammalah, you can give me makeover." She felt instantly gifted at the happy look on her child's face, so she decided to make the day extra special. "Janice why don't you take Ryan to the park, and Rachel and I, will have a girl's day?"

Janice smiled at the way Rachel's face lit up. She'd been caring for the Wolfe children for two years now between her classes and studying. Leonard and Esther had kept their promise not to impede on her academics, but they certainly curbed her personal life. Both of them had thrown themselves back into their research and teaching with a gusto. It meant that whenever she wasn't doing school work, she was at their home. Her presence had been so common place that they had converted Esther's study into a room for Janice. Now, both parents worked in Leonard's office, a big room on the third and topmost floor of the house. Janice saw the practicality in it all, they charged her no rent, which for a cash strapped student in a big city was a miracle, and she was there all the time anyway, but she also harbored some misgivings about the whole thing, that she'd so far been unable to voice to the Wolfes.

She tried to push the thoughts aside and went in search of Ryan. She found him in the hallway between the living room and kitchen gleefully drawing on some construction paper with his crayons.

"Hey little boy."

He would no longer respond to being called a baby, well except to protest the use of the word.

The crayons kept moving around the paper and Ryan didn't look up from his masterpiece. "No little."

Janice smiled and sunk down next to him. "Alright Big Boy, would you like to come to the park with me and play on the swings? Or are you too big for that?"

Ryan continued to color. "I busy." He said flippantly.

Janice was taken aback for a moment. "You're busy? Excuse me, you're two. What are you so busy with? Is there an urgent nap or pants wetting you need to get on with?"

"I busy." He repeated the phrase again.

Janice sighed. She knew he was like a sponge at this age, and that he was only repeating what he heard the adults in his world say, but that was the problem. She had no doubt that the words, "I'm busy", came straight from Leonard's mouth. Even Esther's if she was truthful. The older woman tried harder to spread her time around, that was certain, but both parents were vying for tenured positions and that meant only one thing, publish or perish. She guessed Ryan had learned the phrase after one of his many long sojourns up the stairs between the second floor nursery and Leonard's study.

"Well," she began picking him, crayons and all, up off the floor, "busy or not, you are going to the park."

Ryan had already forgotten his earlier statement. "Park! Yay! Swings!"

"Yay swings indeed boyo," she replied carting him up the stairs to get him changed and ready.

Later that evening after she and Esther had put the children to bed she broached the difficult topic with both parents. Janice had felt nervous, but right, when she sat them both down in the library to explain that she felt the children needed more direct interaction with the two of them. She explained that she didn't feel put upon by her work, and that she was very grateful for everything they'd done for her, but she wouldn't feel she'd done right by Rachel and Ryan if she'd kept silent. In the end Esther and Leonard had thanked her for her frankness, after dealing with some initial hurt and hostile feelings. They both admitted they weren't mad at her, and acknowledged the truth in her statements.

"It's just damn frustrating is all," Leonard had said. "I know I want more time with my kids, but I've also got to provide for them. And there's no change in academia. They all put in their time before me so they'll be damned if they let me get away without doing it."

Esther and Janice had both assured him they understood his dilemma, but that they'd all just have to get creative about finding time for the kids. It was her ability to talk openly with them, and the clear love she displayed for their family that caused Leonard and Esther to take Janice on as a sort of ersatz sister and daughter. For the next two years while she finished her degree in Sociology (they had helped her decide, it allowed her to get a little bit of a every social science they argued instead of having to settle, plus there was some exciting work going on in that field) they made a special effort to include her in all aspects of their family life. They also did their best to give her the space a young college student should have in terms of a social life.

Esther and Leonard also nourished her dream of going to grad school. Her own father and mother had been a little unsure about her choice of Sociology. They asked what she'd do for a living, and they didn't really understand how reading and writing could earn a body a pay cheque. But, Leonard and Esther had helped her to explain it to them. They invited Mr. and Mrs. O'Rouke into the city for dinner during the holidays.

Chanukah was over, but Christmas was still in full swing, and her parents came dressed in their best Sunday clothes, hoping not to seem to shanty to the intellectual, modern family who had taken their daughter in. The truth was they knew there daughter was smart, and they wanted her to realize her dreams, no matter what they were, but they felt a little shoved aside in favor of this young couple and their children. Not to mention they were Jews, from New York City no less. Mrs. O'Rourke had never met a Jew before, and while she was far from bigoted, she worried she might do or say something wrong at dinner. She'd even made sure with Janice that it was okay to wear her crucifix.

Mrs. O'Rourke needn't have worried, however. Esther and Leonard had welcomed them with open arms, and the children had charmed them immediately. Siobhan and Seamus O'Rourke were not yet grandparents, but they wished desperately for it everyday. Janice was their oldest, and while they didn't want her to give everything up for kids, a parent could wish couldn't they? Besides, her younger sister Shelly was finished beauty school now, and her boyfriend had gotten a job as Assistant Manager at the local grocery store. The O'Rourke's expected an engagement, wedding and grandkids any day now.

After dinner Leonard had taken Seamus into his study where he kept his private liquor stash. He poured the older man a short and rather expensive, glass of whiskey, and set about easing his mind about Janice's future. He'd told Seamus his daughter was intelligent, competent and more than ready for the life of an academic. He also told him about salaries, the ways of the profession and what her chances were, and what kind of a living she could make.

"She'll never be rich, but she won't be poor either, and she'll be doing something she loves. What I do isn't just my work Mr. O'Rourke, it's my passion." Leonard had said between sips at his own whiskey.

Seamus had raised his eyebrows and looked thoughtfully at his glass. "Well, my son, this is a mighty fine dram so you can't be too bad off. But, it's another thing to say my daughter is on her way to same comforts you enjoy. She comes from a different place then you Dr. Wolfe. I'm gonna guess your people have degrees and jobs a lot like your own. Janice's mother and I, we just finished high school, we worked hard for everything we have, and we provided for our children. But, we couldn't pay for her university and we still can't. And, I'm not convinced she can. I don't see why she can't get a job, a nice one with her fancy degree and make a living that will keep her comfortable."

Leonard put his glass down and leaned forward, his hands forming steeples. "Mr. O'Rourke I was born in Brooklyn, my wife in Crown Heights. Our families have little in common outside of being Jews from New York, and one more significant link. We are both the children of Shoah, or to you Holocaust survivors. I met Rachel at a remembrance ceremony at our alma mater."

Leonard paused to take a pull of his drink before continuing. He was a quiet man by nature and found it hard to share feelings and experiences with anyone but his wife.

"The only thing my father left Buchenwald with after its liberation was the cloths on his back, and his wallet. Some American soldiers had found it in a safe where the Nazis kept everyone's identification after they confiscated it. His entire family was dead so he left Europe and immigrated here, where he met my mother." Leonard swallowed the lump in his throat before continuing. "My father worked hard to provide for his family, just like you. And, while he was content to be a jack of all trades for hire he always wanted me to do whatever was my passion, and he wanted that passion to be learning. Rachel's mother and father found each other here through a survivor's group. Her mother's family is gone, but her father and his brother Ron managed to get out together. They run a very nice, but modestly profitable kosher butcher shop in Crown Heights. You don't have to be rich to support your child's endeavors, Sir."

"Well, I guess you've got me convinced Dr. Wolfe. And for what's it worth, I was born in '39, few years later my Daddy went over there to fight that war. He was one of the lucky ones, come home in one piece."

Leonard smiled faintly at Mr. O'Rourke and offered his glass in a toast. "Thank you then, from us."

xxXxx

When Janice was accepted to Columbia to do her graduate work the Wolfes celebrated the occasion with a dinner out on the town. Everyone in the family was excited for her, including four year old Ryan, until someone finally explained to him what grad school meant.

"Janice will leave?" He asked the question almost every hour on the hour during and after dinner. He was now sitting in the middle of his bed in his pajamas trying to make sense of the situation. His parents and his Janice were standing around the bed hoping their combined presence would soften the blow. "Where will she go?"

In Ryan's mind Janice simply was. She was there when got up in the morning, and she was the last person he saw at night. He couldn't remember his life without her, because he couldn't remember the first two and half months of his life. He knew Janice lived with him, but she was not his blood family. He knew she went to a big school, the same one Daddy and Mommy worked at. But, he just thought that was because all the adults in his daily life worked at the big school, and that Janice would always go there, but come home to him, just like his parents. He'd never considered her as a person separate from himself and his family.

"Well honey," His mother climbed onto the bed with him. "Janice is going to go to a big school in New York. You know were Bubbe and Zayde Mintz and Wolfe live, right?" He nodded. "Well, Janice is going to live there too!"

He was so confused. "She's gonna live with Bubbe and Zayde?"

Janice sat on his other side. "No Precious, I'm gonna live at my big school."

"But, why?" he asked.

"Well, I have to go to big school there. And, it's in New York, so I have to be in New York." Janice explained it to him as simply as she could.

"Are we going to New York?" Ryan figured wherever Janice went he went; that's how it had always worked.

"We can sometimes. We can go to visit her just like we visit Bubbe and Zayde." Esther assured him.

"But not all the time?" He said catching on quickly.

Leonard ruffled his hair. "No not all the time, sorry buddy, but you'll see Janice when we go to New York for Chanukah and Spring Break, and she'll come back here whenever she wants to. Right Janice?" Janice nodded her agreement. "New York isn't that far away at all."

"But Janice will be gone?" Ryan asked.

"No, Bubbalah, not gone, she just won't live here anymore. She'll have her own house." Esther knew it was a stretch to use the word house to describe a student apartment, but she figured Ryan would understand the word better.

Ryan's lower lip began to tremble. "This is Janice's house!"

It didn't help that the adults around him began to laugh at this statement.

Janice cuddled him. "I know you don't remember Sweetness, but I didn't always live with you. Remember my Mommy and Daddy when they came to visit? I used to live with them, just like you live with your Mommy and Daddy. Then I had to move to go to school and I lived here. Now, I have to move again. But, I'll come back to see you whenever I can. Plus, you're not going to have as much time to spend with me either in September. Do you remember where you're going then?"

"To school!" Leonard and Esther both cried with lots of enthusiasm and smiles. They wanted him to associate positive cues with school as they knew from Rachel that it was a big adjustment for any child.

Fear overtook Ryan then. He was curious to know what school was like, and by this parents' account it was going to be one big barrel of fun. Rachel, however, told a different story. There was homework and Math and you had to be good or else you got detention, and worst of all there were big kids. You have to stay away from the big kids had been Rachel's warning. The conflicting reports he was getting from his parents, Janice, Rachel and the other kids in the neighbor made him a little weary about kindergarten. And now Janice was leaving. Things could not get any worse. And to prove it he broke into tears and let out a wail louder than the one he'd graced her with the first time she'd held him.

It took the better part of an hour to calm him. Then he'd needed a second bath to clean up the snot and fresh pair of jammies. His parents and Janice felt so awful they didn't put up a fight when he ordered his mother and father out of the room and demanded Janice read him a series of stories and stay in his bed.

"You can't leave, even if I fall asleep." He stated before drifting off.

xxXxx

A week later two things happened that delayed Janice's departure from his life. Columbia wrote to say that they could not offer her funding at this time for her Masters. She'd been on a wait list and Leonard had reassured her it was normal and not to give up hope, but there it was, her hope dashed, in black and white. Esther and Leonard had sat her down to talk about her options. She'd been accepted to Boston U and Brown, her back up school, why not go to one of those, where there was funding and try for Columbia when it was time to get a PhD. Or, she could defer her placement for a year at all three schools and hope that Columbia came through later with some money.

"I want Columbia." Janice had said firmly wiping away her tears as she sat at the kitchen table. "So, I'll defer, and get another job."

Esther and Leonard had shared a glance and then sat down opposite her.

"Janice, honey, we want what is best for you. And if Columbia is what you want, what you really want, and you're willing to defer we support that. But, we need to know that's what you want." Esther said, taking her hand.

"It's what I want." Janice stated again.

Esther smiled at her and took her other hand. "Then if it's what you really want there's something we need to discuss with you."

Janice looked up through her tears. "What?"

Esther released the younger woman's hands and ran her own through her waist length hair. "You must have noticed Ryan's behavior lately. He's acting like the model child, like a robot child even. He insists on cleaning up every mess in the house. He's neurotic about the state of his own bedroom, and he's started wetting the bed again. Which, given his knew found love of hygiene is very upsetting to him."

Janice nodded. "I've noticed. I figure he's doing it because he thinks if he's good I won't leave. I'm so sorry you guys, and I've explained to him a hundred times I love him and I'm not leaving because of anything he did. But he's just not getting it."

"We know," Esther said. "And, we don't blame you at all. But, your leaving and his having to start kindergarten is really affecting him. Now, we don't want you to make any decisions tonight, but Leonard and I have been talking and we've been kicking around an idea for some time now. If you do stay the next year, now that we both have tenure our salaries are much more secure, not to mention larger. What if we paid you double minimum wage for full time hours? We know both Ryan and Rachel will be in school, but your future and you are worth it to us Janice. It would give Ryan a chance to adjust and you a much needed break during the day, while still making money."

Janice was gobsmacked. "Oh, you guys, I couldn't. I couldn't take wages for hours I'm not working."

Leonard smiled at her. "But, you will be Janice. We expect you to use your time wisely. To read, to learn, to experience things before you shackle yourself to grad school. You've put in a long four years, and you've done it while practically raising a family. You invested in us Janice, now we want to do the same for you."

She started to cry again, but this time out of happiness. "Okay, I will, thank you both so much. I'm going to go tell Ryan I'm not leaving. Maybe it'll wrench the broom out of his hand."

xxXxx

The extra year seemed to be just what the doctor ordered. Janice saved her money and enjoyed herself while Rachel and Ryan went to class. She went for long walks, sat in cafés and went out with friends. All the things she was supposed to do as an undergraduate but hadn't.

Ryan for his part seemed to abandon his need for clean once he was sure Janice wasn't going anywhere right away. He didn't mind kindergarten, it was fun most of the time and it was only for half a day. He made friends and found that sometimes, more often than he expected, he wanted to play with them after school instead of just Janice. He still wanted her there in case he needed her, and she often accompanied him on play dates, but he was growing up and away from her just a little. As the year wore on Janice noticed his independence more and more, and while sometimes it made her long for the little baby who needed her, it also reassured her that he would be okay when she left this time.

In March Columbia wrote to say they had funding to give her. In August the Wolfes traveled to New York with her, and her parents, to look at apartments and tour campus. She moved out in the first week of September after seeing Ryan off to his first day of grade one. She promised to call him often, to write, to visit and most excitedly to send him surprises in the mail when she could. She left all of her make up with Rachel, much to the nine year old's delight, and promised herself she'd buy new, nicer stuff in New York.

The years passed and Janice kept her promises. She called, she visited and she sent surprises. She stayed at Columbia for her PhD and she got a job teaching there shortly after. When she got her own apartment she had the Wolfes over to stay and once the children were old enough they took solo trips to New York just to see her. Rachel and Ryan particularly enjoyed such visits during their teen years. Janice wasn't their mom so she didn't have to be overly strict with them. She let them run around the city unattended and she took them to concerts, museums and anywhere else they wanted to go. That's not to say she indulged all their whims. She would not let sixteen year old Rachel get a tattoo during one weekend visit when she was feeling spiteful because Leonard wouldn't let her go to a party the Saturday before where alcohol had been served.

When twelve year old Ryan began to bring home letters from school that said things like, Ryan is very gifted, but refuses to use the school lavatory because it is "too dirty" and Ryan is unable to leave the classroom without making three complete turns of the room, she flew back to Boston to help Leonard and Esther deal. The doctor had diagnosed Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Esther had been gutted. Leonard had been dismissive, he didn't believe in these new fangled social disorders. Janice had found Dr. David Stein, a well known and reputable therapist who dealt mainly with OCD. She gambled on his being a scholar, close in age to Leonard, and a Jew, as enough to at least get Ryan's parents to listen to him. She'd been right, and after a meeting with Dr. Stein, in which he explained the realness of OCD, but also the fact it was treatable, Leonard and Esther has sent Ryan to him. While it made for some awkward teenage years, it ensured by the time he graduated high school Ryan was able to control his compulsions, and had even left many of them behind. He credited Dr. Stein and Janice with his being able to tell people he was, "only sort of OCD".

Eventually the day came when Janice was the one accompanying Rachel to look at campuses when she was accepted to law school in New York. When Ryan joined a reggae band in college she allowed the entire band to sleep on her floor when they were on "tour". She didn't think two shows in New York counted as a tour, but the young men were all so eager and proud she'd bitten her tongue and kept her opinions to herself. She supported Ryan when he decided to go to graduate school in Miami, when his parents wanted him to stay closer to the East Coast. She couldn't fly down there with him to see the University of Miami, and she felt guilty for having been able to do the same with Rachel, so she wrote him a cheque. She told him to use it on anything but school and Ryan had to admit, that was sort of better then having her schlep him around campuses.

By this time cell phones and email were ubiquitous and Janice found staying in touch with her second family to be easy. She checked up on Rachel and Ryan often during their studies, and even flew down to Miami to spend Chanukah with Ryan and his Uncle Ron who had retired to the Sunshine State a few years prior. Uncle Ron had been surprised and delighted when Janice had fired up her laptop and webcam, as it allowed him to see and hear his Esther and her family on the screen. Rachel was visiting her parents for the holidays and it meant they all got to open their presents together via the Internet.

As far as Ryan was concerned his choice of Miami had been one of the best decisions he ever made. He was far enough way from his parents to finally enjoy some independence, but Uncle Ron was always near by, and the weather was always nice. He'd made friends, and even managed to meet some girls. Despite being in a band, it had taken him most of his undergrad to shed his nerdy/weird image from high school, and now that he was in graduate school he really wanted to do something about this whole virginity thing. It wasn't like he was the only virgin in a graduate class of Biochem students, but he figured his friend Rajit Vidyasankar had an excuse; Raj had just gotten of the plane from India where his family still arranged marriages.

In order to bolster both of their chances with the ladies Ryan and Raj had moved into a house with a fellow U of Miami student, Chad at the start of their second year of grad school. Chad was definitely a Chad. He was tall, tanned and good looking. He wore Abercrombie and Fitch and girls loved him. It wasn't like Chad was dumb, far from it, as he was doing a Masters in Engineering. Chad, however, was like a lot of Engineers, he worked hard, and he partied even harder. Ryan and Raj had decided they could handle having to live and study in a house that was largely party central if it meant some of Chad's cast offs might come their way.

It had been during one of Chad's many parties that Ryan got the phone call that would change his life.

"Dude, you're never gonna believe this," Chad came stumbling towards Ryan and a girl he was making head way with on the stair case.

She was pretty and blond and her name was Skylar. She'd started showing up at their parties for Chad, but once she'd realized the extent of the competition she'd turned her sights elsewhere. She'd not managed to hook any of Chad's Engineering or rowing buddies, so she once again lowered her expectations. In a choice between Raj and Ryan she figured at least Ryan spoke perfect English. Plus, she was drunk.

"Your Mom's on the phone man," Chad said throwing an unsteady arm around Ryan. "Hey Sky," he acknowledged the girl standing beside them. "What's going on here? You treat my Ryan nice, he's a good guy."

Part of Ryan wanted to sink into the floor, but a bigger part did not want to abandon Skylar to the increasingly drunken and horny masses. There were already at least three other guys who had decided as the night wore on, she'd do, and he didn't want to lose his chance. Besides, to Ryan she was an upgrade, whereas he figured to Johnny Sixpack over there she was just okay, but available. If anyone got to drunkenly make out with her, by rights, it should have been him. He was after all, the gentleman in this scenario; a horny, self interested gentleman, but a gentleman none the less.

Chad realized Ryan was not moving and so he tried again to convey the urgency he heard on the phone. "Ryan! Your Mom says it's really important I get you on the phone. She said it was an emergency."

Ryan sighed. He should have known, his mother, the ultimate in Jewish mothers would be able to sense the moment some hussy was even considering defiling her baby boy. He'd bet dollars to donuts the emergency was concocted to get him out of the very situation he prayed for nightly. He told Skylar not to go anywhere and hoped vodka coolers didn't make her restless or forgetful. Then he went into his bedroom to answer the phone.

"Hey Ma, it's me" He said as he picked up the receiver by his bed.

He heard Esther's panicked voice, but he also heard tons of noise from his own house. Chad had obviously left the phone of the hook when he answered it in the kitchen.

"Ma, Ma, hold on, I can't hear you, just hold on Ma, I'll be right back."

Ryan hung up his phone and walked to the kitchen. There were only two people in it; Raj and one of first year girls from their Biochem program. Ryan couldn't remember her name, but she was definitely into Raj. Ryan sighed again and picked up the kitchen phone. Life was so unfair, even Raj was going to get laid before him.

"Ma, I'm back, what's going on?"

But Esther had not heeded his last words and was still talking in a rush. It sounded like she had never stopped after Ryan left his bedroom.

He struggled to understand her. Something was clearly wrong, as he'd never heard his mother this hysterical. Not even when Zayde Mintz had passed. "Ma, slow down, I can't understand you. I need you to start again. Please," He didn't want to say the next part in mixed company, but he figured Raj and girl weren't paying him any attention anyway, "you're scaring me."

Miles away in Boston Esther broke down in a sob. She couldn't say it all again. She couldn't believe she had to say it at all. Her heart was breaking and she was about to do the same to her son. She handed the phone to her husband who had wanted to be the one to call Ryan before she insisted that she was well enough to do it.

"Ryan?" Leonard's voice boomed down the line.

"Dad? Yeah I'm here. Dad, what's going on?" Ryan asked as his pulse was started to quicken.

Leonard took a deep breath and tried to decide how to proceed. He was in just as much shock as his wife, but someone had to keep it together. "Ryan, son, we got some bad, no that's not the word, some just, some awful news today. Are you with friends? I think someone should be there when I tell you this."

Now Ryan was scared. This had to be serious. What if something had happened to Rachel? Her firm had moved her to London for a year. Anything could have gone wrong so far from home. "Is Rachel okay?"

Leonard closed his eyes. Rachel, they'd already spoken to Rachel, it had been gut-wrenching and a glimpse into what it would be like to tell their son the horrible news. He'd made Rachel promise to let them tell Ryan. She'd been too upset to argue. She'd simply hung up and cried while booking flights back to the States.

"Rachel's fine."

Ryan felt a small amount of relief. "Then what's going on Dad? Why's mom so upset? Who's dead?" He'd said the last part as a joke, but he was beginning to fear the worst.

"Ryan, son, I want you to listen very carefully and sit down if you need to." Leonard decided it was now or never. "Ryan, Janice is dead. We heard from her parents and the police today."

Ryan didn't understand. It was more confusing then the night they'd explained why she had to move to him when he was four. "What? I don't understand."

Leonard fought back tears. "Son, Janice was murdered last night. We would have called you sooner but we had no idea. The police contacted her next of kin, her parents this morning and the O'Rourkes called us. Siobhan was unable to talk, but Seamus let us know, and he gave us the number of the Detective, Mac Taylor, who is working her case. We spoke to him this afternoon. Apparently the assailant, as Det. Taylor calls him, broke into her apartment last night and killed her."

Ryan reached for the kitchen counter for support. Raj, who had been enjoying the attentions of his new lady friend, stopped their little tickle fight once he observed Ryan's body language. His roommate was very pale and he looked like he was going to be sick.

"Are you okay man?" Raj called from across the kitchen.

Ryan made no reply to Raj, but tried to respond to his father. "I, I don't, why?"

Leonard nearly broke down at his son's obvious distress. He'd asked Mac Taylor the same question. Why? Why would someone do such a terrible, monstrous thing? The detective had no answer to that, but he'd assured Leonard he would to his best to find the person responsible and bring him to justice.

"I don't know why son. Why does anyone take the life of another?" Leonard wondered how much more he should say. But, Ryan would need to know, he would know once he saw the closed casket. "Ryan, I don't want to have to say this, but I must. Janice wasn't just murdered randomly. The police have reason to believe she was the victim of a serial killer who goes after women associated with Columbia. He's a very violent man son and he, well, he raped her and he took one of her fingers and her left eye."

Ryan heard two things after his father finished talking. He heard his mother cry out on the other end of the phone as the details of Janice's death were repeated to her for the third time that day, and he heard Raj scream his name. After that, it was all inky blackness.

And I'm the sadist
Like the mayor of the badlands
And you're tired, you're oh so fuckin' tired
And your homes let it slide, let the bad guys in behind
Now they're making with your honey, with your freedom and your money
And you're fucked, oughta say it, save it for a rainy day it,
'Cause baby, you're addicted
You're addicted
Fuck you, fuck you, you're, fuck... ing addicted

And I'm a nice guy, it's always been my problem
Don't know whether I should fuck it, or destroy it
Or should I fire it or employ it or hate it
Or enjoy it, cause I'm addicted
Like a cancer, eating at the answer
I've got the beauty by the throat, so it couldn't sing a note
And it's begging just for seeing for the truth in all its being
For needing, bleeding, feeding, weeding, treating, bleeding, cheating, gums receding
C'mon people, get addicted, get ad-dic-dic-dicted
Let's everybody get addicted
People get addicted
People get addicted
C'mon people, get addicted

TBC….I haven't watched very much CSI: New York, so forgive if there's no way Mac Taylor could have been a detective in say the years 2000-2001.