So, this is most certainly a darker scene but it's something very personal to me and that I have been struggling with more and more lately. And when things begin to overtake my mind, I write about them, either as a journal type thing or as fiction.

I'm sure there are many of you who will hate this chapter. But, as much as I write for my amazing readers, I also need to write for myself.

The next chapters I have planned will be much more fluffy! I've had requests to write Jane and Maura's date from the previous chapter so that will happen plus another fluffy one I've got planned.

For yet another time in her friendship with the detective, Maura found herself sitting unmoving in a hospital waiting room, eyes darting to the door with every entrance in hopes of seeing the familiar face of the Rizzoli family matriarch.

When she appeared, Maura felt the pain in her chest increase as the harsh hospital lights hid nothing of the tear stained cheeks, puffy eyes, hunched shoulders, and pale skin of the woman she had come to know as her unofficial mother.

"They told me I could have her treated anonymously," Angela murmured as she reached Maura who had risen to a standing position, although she wasn't standing as tall as she could be. "Then they told me they were going to pump her stomach and then…Something about coal?" she asked, looking to Maura for clarification.

"Charcoal," Maura clarified. "There is a type of porous charcoal used to absorb any lingering toxins left in the stomach after an event such as this."

"I don't understand," Angela admitted as she sunk down into a chair. "I always thought that there were warning signs before people attempt this sort of thing. Pulling away from people, giving things away, telling people you love them more than usual…" Angela said, choking back a sob as images of finding Jane barely breathing on her bed flashed through her mind.

"That is the norm," Maura explained as she sat down next to Angela and took her outstretched hand. "But there are individuals who know that those actions would alert suspicion and thus continue to act like themselves while around others in order to go through with their plans."

"My Janie," Angela gasped as tears began to fall from her eyes once again. "She looked so peaceful when I found her, Maura," she cried. "Her apartment was so clean and I walked to her bedroom and saw her right in the middle of her perfectly made bed. I thought she had maybe fallen asleep before going out to meet a date because she was wearing that black dress I love her in and maybe she was expecting to bring the man back to her apartment. But then…" Angela trailed off, unable to continue.

"Shh," Maura soothed as she opened her arms to allow the woman to find comfort in an embrace. "Jane is a fighter, Angela. She's going to survive this and then we'll make sure that she gets all the support she needs to come out stronger."

"But Jane doesn't want to fight anymore," Angela sniffled. "She told me that she was so tired of being a fighter and she just didn't want to fight anymore."

"When did she tell you that?" Maura asked, pulling away from Angela.

"Well, she didn't say it exactly," Angela explained as she reached into her purse and pulled out a group of envelopes. "Our Janie left letters for us," she said as she pointed to the word "Ma" written in Jane's messy handwriting on the envelope. "Me, her brothers, Frost and Vince, and you," Angela added as she pulled the one with the doctor's name on it and handing it to Maura. "I'd imagine that your letter is different from mine but in the one she wrote me, she said that she was so tired of always being a fighter and how she regretted not letting me take care of her more. How maybe if she'd taken a break from being so strong to just be my baby she'd have turned out different."

"Angela," Maura said gently as she set the envelope in her lap and looked directly at Angela. "You do not get to blame yourself for what Jane has done. This was something Jane decided on herself."

"I should call Frankie and Tommy," Angela said softly. "I called them while waiting for the ambulance but told them not to come here. I knew Jane wouldn't want them to see her in such a weak state but they deserve to know what is happening."

"Do you need me to call anyone?" Maura asked.

"No," Angela smiled. "But I made sure to let the doctors know they can share information on Jane's condition with you so you just stay here in case anything happens. Maybe read your letter," Angela said as she pointed to the envelope in Maura's lap before wiping her eyes and standing to walk towards the hallway where she could call her sons.

Inhaling deeply, Maura attempted to focus her thoughts before opening the letter Jane had addressed to her. Yet as she inhaled, the words she had overheard the doctors say continued to play in her mind.

Multiple types of prescription bottles found at scene…Pain reliever….Sleep aid…Muscle relaxer…Dangerously low blood pressure and weak pulse…

Forcing herself to keep tears at bay, Maura reminded herself that she needed to remain strong for Angela and the two men she considered brothers. She knew she also needed to be strong for Jane if the detective woke from unconsciousness. Taking one last deep breath, Maura slid her finger under the flap of the envelope and pulled out a handwritten letter.

My Maura,

I'm honestly not sure if I'm hoping you're the one who finds my body or if I'm praying you don't have to be the one calling the van to my place to deliver me to the morgue. I don't know which one is worse. You having to call my time of death or you having to call my Ma. And right now I'm sure that your brilliant mind is thinking 'Gee, Jane. If both of those options suck, why did you ever choose to off yourself?' and I totally understand why you're thinking that. So I'm gonna do my best to explain.

There is so much inside of me, Maura. And I don't mean my intestines or blood or other organs. I mean that I have so many memories and fears and hopes and thoughts inside of me that I can't help but feel like I'm going to explode at any moment. And I know that all those things I listed aren't real things that could make me explode but it just felt like at any moment it could happen. And I was walking on stupid eggshells in my own mind every day because God forbid something remind me of Hoyt or Marino or shooting Paddy or nearly losing you to Dennis Rockmond or your blue lips in that reservoir. Or maybe something will remind me of happy memories like taking you to your first Red Sox game or last Christmas where we both had a bit too much eggnog and made snow angels in your front yard. God, do you remember Ma's face when we told her that you and I had arranged for her to go to New York for a weekend of pampering? You've brought so much happiness into our lives. Into my life. I don't want you to doubt that.

Okay, so, back to why you're reading this. I just feel like I'm going to explode at any moment. And I just decided to speed up the process I guess. Ya know that game Jenga? Where you have a tower of blocks and you keep removing them until someone makes the tower fall? Well, there comes a time during the game where you know the tower is gonna fall. It's inevitable. You have to decide if you wanna pull out that block and keep playing or just smash the tower down. I'm at that point. Or, well, I guess I was. And I decided to smash the tower of my life down.

I know that you once told me how you don't like it when people make death bed confessions about love so maybe me saying this is just gonna piss you off but I really do love you, Maura Dorthea Isles. I love you as my best friend and as something much more than my best friend. Your brain and quirks, your laughter, your heart, I love everything about you. But please don't think that my love for you has anything to do with what I'm about to do. In fact, it stopped me from doing this so many times before. My love for you has saved my life.

All my heart,
Jane

P.S. I know that you'll take good care of Ma, my brothers, and the guys at the precinct. Ensure they eat and go through the stages of grief and all. But don't forget to take care of yourself, too. Take care of your amazing self and, if you don't, you bet I will become a ghost and haunt you.

The next time Maura saw Jane, the detective was lying in a hospital bed, an IV attached to her hand and other machines surrounding her and monitoring her every detail.

"I brought you some tea," Maura said softly as she held out a cup of tea to Angela who had stationed herself at Jane's bedside. "And milkshakes for you two," she added as she turned to see Tommy and Frankie sitting on a couch against the far wall of the private room.

"Thank you, Maura," Angela said, her voice raw from tears. "Is there a way for you to look at her chart and tell us what it means? All the doctors just keep talking this mumbo jumbo and I don't understand what's going on with my baby girl."

"I'll take a look," Maura offered as she handed the two milkshakes to the boys and quickly walked to the foot of the bed, plucking the chart from its resting place and scanning it. "They were successful in pumping her stomach," Maura began as she shut the chart and returned it. "Once that was done, they used the charcoal substance I told you about to help get rid of the last of the toxins in her stomach. They have her hooked to an IV drip that will offer a solution to help cleanse her blood stream of the various medications she took."

"She's gonna wake up, right?" Frankie asked.

"If she left the station at 5pm and Angela found her around 8pm, that is only a three hour window which means that the toxins could only have been in her body for that amount of time. Which isn't the shortest amount of time but it also could be longer. I can't say for certain but there is a very good chance that Jane will wake up. It may take time because she took more than one type of medicine and it had a chance to be absorbed by her body but I am fairly confident she'll wake up," Maura stated.

"So it's just a waiting game?" Frankie clarified.

"Yes, I'm afraid so," Maura replied.

"Would you like a moment alone with her?" Angela asked softly. "I'm not sure if she can hear us or anything but you two always have had a special bond. Maybe some time with her best friend will help bring her back."

"Oh, I couldn't possibly," Maura quickly said. She had been able to keep her emotions at bay since Angela had called her to tell her of the situation but was certain that, if left alone with the detective, the floodgates would open. "You three are her family and I couldn't ask you to step out."

"You're just as much her family as we are," Angela stated as she forced herself to stand. "Come on Tommy and Frankie," she said as she looked at her sons. "Let's go see if the gift shop has any of that chocolate Janie's always loved for when she wakes up."

With that, Maura found herself standing a few steps away from Jane's hospital bed with no one else in the room. Taking a few steps forward, she sat at the edge of the chair once occupied by Angela and reached to grasp Jane's hand. It was the feeling of Jane's cool and clammy hands that broke Maura.

"Jane," she gasped as her body doubled over and her head came to rest on the edge of the best next to Jane's thigh. "Please don't leave me," she begged as tears began to spill from her eyes. "Everyone leaves but…" she trailed off, unable to speak through her tears as she lifted her head up to look up at Jane's pale face. "Wake up, Jane," Maura pleaded as she placed a kiss to the scarred hand she was holding. "Please."

She wasn't sure how long she'd been sitting there, unable to contain her sobs as she held to Jane's hand as if it might save them both. Her head spun around when she heard the door to Jane's room open and a scuffling sound.

"Sorry," Tommy said as he noticed Maura looking at him with wide eyes. "We got the nurse to give us another chair for ya," he explained as he managed to get the chair through the door and set it next to the one Maura was already sitting in.

"It's nearly midnight but I didn't think any of us would consider leaving," Angela said as she followed Tommy into the room with Frankie bringing up the rear.

"I…I don't want to intrude," Maura said as she attempted to wipe her tears away and compose herself.

"Maura," Angela smiled as she sat down in the chair next to the blonde and clasped her free hand. "You are just as much my daughter and the boy's sister as Jane is. Please stay?" Maura simply nodded, not trusting herself to speak for fear of her voice giving out and the tears beginning again. She had to be strong. "Thank you," Angela said gently as she squeezed Maura's hand.

"The gift shop had fudge clusters," Tommy said as he pulled a small batch of the treats from a bag. "You want some?" he asked as he looked at Maura.

"No, thank you," Maura said with a gentle smile. "Jane can have my share when she wakes."

Just as Maura finished her sentence, a loud gagging nose came from the head of Jane's bed.

"What's going on?" Angela asked, panic in her voice as she rose to her feet and quickly moved to stand beside Jane's head as the detective's head jerked with each gag.

"Her body is probably still trying to expel toxins via vomiting," Maura explained as she, too, felt panic rise in her chest. "Next to you!" she said as she pointed to a small pink plastic bin on the table next to Jane. "Use that to catch what her stomach rejects. Tommy, there should be a call nurse button on the side of the bed closest to you. Press it quickly. Frankie, please come help adjust the bed to a more seated position," Maura instructed, finding solace in the Dr. Isles persona she could slip into.

Maura remained in the Dr. isles persona as the three Rizzoli family members did as she instructed. Angela rubbing soothing circles on Jane's back as the detective's body gagged and tried to expel remaining toxins, Frankie was ensuring that the bed was raised enough for Jane to relax but also ensure any future vomiting sessions didn't end in suffocation, and Tommy was keeping an eye on the door for a nurse to enter.

It wasn't until Jane's eyes opened widely and scanned the room around her that Maura felt a crack appear in her persona. She felt relief wash over her that Jane had opened her eyes but the instant Jane's eyes found her own and they locked gazes, Maura could do nothing but grab her purse from where it hung near the door and flee the suddenly too small hospital room.

After the mandatory 24 hour psych hold where Jane had been forced to stay at the hospital, the detective was brought to Maura's guest house to remain under the watchful eye of Angela. She hadn't spoken much outside of the required evaluation with the psychologist, though her mind was swirling with anger at her failed attempt, embarrassment that her family had seen her in such a state, and pain as she remembered the look in Maura's eyes before the medical examiner fled.

She spent a majority of her first day home sleeping, the medications still lingering in her system and making her drowsy. Angela woke her regularly, encouraging her to drink a bit or eat a small snack before Jane would roll back over to sleep. She had made no attempt to contact Maura since her arrival, despite staying in the medical examiner's own guest house.

It was two days after her release that Jane slid into a pair of her mother's slippers while Angela showered early one morning and walked sleepily into the main house, stopping in her tracks as she saw Maura standing at her coffee maker in a black dress, her hair pulled into a low ponytail.

"Jane," Maura said gently as she noticed the detective enter into the kitchen.

"I…I'm sorry," Jane said, her voice hoarse from not being used very much. "I heard the front door open and shut so I thought…I'll just go," Jane stammered as she suddenly felt self-conscious in her mother's pajamas and pink slippers.

"I was picking up the paper from the front porch," Maura said, her heart sinking at the thought that Jane only came over because she thought she doctor had left.

"Oh, right. The paper," Jane said awkwardly.

"Would you like some coffee?" Maura asked hopefully.

"Uh, my stomach is still not feeling super happy," Jane said softly. "The doctors said it was from both the stuff I took and the coal they used to get it out of me."

"It will probably be at least a week before you're back to your burger eating ways," Maura said with a soft smile as she sipped her coffee.

"I must be more screwed up than I realized because not even a burger sounds good," Jane said as she began to fiddle with the draw string on her mother's pajama pants, feeling tension between her and the doctor.

"Does tea?" Maura asked. "Sound good, I mean," Maura clarified.

"I…Yeah," Jane replied, feeling a bit of the pain inside of her lessen at the thought that perhaps she and Maura would be okay after what she had done.

"Have a seat," Maura said as she gestured to one of the barstools at her kitchen island. "Would you like peppermint, a citrus blend, or Earl Grey?"

"No panda poop option?" Jane asked, a soft smile gracing her face since before she had fallen into oblivion several days prior as she heard Maura chuckle.

"Would you like the panda poop option?" Maura asked, thankful that the tension between she and Jane was easing as she filled a teakettle and set it on her stove.

"No," Jane replied. "Um, how about the citrus blend?"

"Good choice," Maura commented as the pulled the requested tea from her cupboard and set the bag down on the counter.

"Ma said it was you who told her to tell the ambulance to not take me to Mass Gen," Jane said softly as she shifted uncomfortably in her seat.

"Yes," Maura confirmed. "Mass Gen does not have the option of being treated anonymously and with your status as a detective and desire for keeping your private life private, I told her to have the driver bring you elsewhere."

"Thanks," Jane murmured. "I'm sorry I put you that-"

"Jane," Maura interrupted gently, causing Jane to look up from the counter and into Maura's eyes. "You've been through quite a bit these past years and even more these past few days. There will be a time for us to talk about your actions and what you wrote to me another time. But for now, how about we just sit here and enjoy a quiet morning before I leave for work?"

"You'd do that? I mean, you're always saying that you don't like to delay super important conversations and I'd imagine that this qualifies as an important conversation," Jane said as she kept an eye on Maura who had placed the tea bag into a large mug and was pouring the boiling water into the mug.

"It is," Maura said as she picked up the mug and walked around the island to stand next to Jane. "But I am willing to delay this conversation until you're ready," she stated as she placed the mug in front of Jane.

"Why?" Jane asked, feeling a lump forming in her throat without warning.

"Because I love you, too," Maura whispered as she pressed a soft kiss to the side of Jane's head before sliding into the chair next to Jane and unfolding the newspaper, wordlessly sliding the sports section to Jane.

Please don't leave reviews about how suicide is stupid, how I wrote Jane as crazy in this chapter, or anything along those lines. Please.

If this chapter has triggered you or you simply need to talk to someone who deals with mental illness and suicidal thoughts, feel free to message me. I'm always here for ya.