A/N: A lot of you guys were curious about whether or not Brittany is playing games, how Brittany feels, and what Santana actually feels. All I can say is that all of the back and forth and confusion between them both is intentional. They're both in different places of confusion with their relationship and that doesn't suddenly get easier. Thank you for the reviews, you are all amazing.

Song Suggestion: "Find Your Way" by Pablo Blaqk

~You are my love you are my light
that always guides my way~

I was lost for a while. A whole summer to be exact. A lot of it was hazy, faded memories came back every night, there were times when I was certain that I could recall everything that happened to me, and then suddenly I was completely uncertain. I could hardly tell the difference between reality and dreams anymore.

I needed someone to show me. Not just have to behave, not how to act in social situations, or do my homework on time, I needed someone to show me how to live. That was what Brittany did for me sometimes, sometimes I felt like she was playing mind games with me. I wondered if she knew that was how I felt. I wondered if she cared.

She did ask me to tell her that I loved her, and it was forced, completely extracted from my lips, and once I'd said it, I didn't know how to feel. Scared. Worried. Humiliated? What game was she playing?

It didn't matter, I had my first day at work, I didn't want to be late. Although a small part of me did want to be late. Getting fired on the first day was almost ideal in my mind, it meant that I didn't have to plaster on a fake smile everyday. I was lucky, my shift was late and not many people came into the bookstore at that time. There were three people working during my shift. Mr. Kingston, the owner, and someone who I hadn't met yet. Mr. Kingston manned the cash register most of the time, and I was in charge of organizing books and collecting them as people brought them in, it wasn't difficult.

I walked into the East Egg and Mr. Kingston gave me a warm smile. "Hi, Santana, perfect timing." He said as he lifted a box onto the counter. "I need you to sort through these books; I only want the ones that are in good condition. You can take them in the back room to look through them." I lifted the box and headed towards the back room, fully expecting it to be empty. It wasn't.

"Hi." The girl said. Her skin was pale and her eyes brightened her face to the point that I was drawn to her. Her smile was warm and captivating, her hair brown and thick. I set the box down and she immediately opened the top flap and peered down at the books. "I'm Marley, and I'm guessing you're Santana." I nodded because I didn't trust my voice at this point. I began pulling out books and leafing through them. "You aren't supposed to read them." I slammed the book shut and looked up at her.

"Sorry." I muttered.

"I was joking." She said slowly. Her eyes glanced up at mine like she was testing the waters. "I should probably wait until I get to know you before trying to make stupid jokes like that, huh?"

"Maybe." She smiled and I had no choice but to smile back.

"Are you usually this quiet? Or is it because you think I'm a weirdo or something?" Marley asked as she sat down on the table and began organizing some of the books into piles. "Because I can stop being weird."

"I'm sorry, it j-just t-takes me awhile…" I looked up at her apologetically, like I was sorry for fumbling with all of my words. I hope she didn't push things because then my stuttering would get worse. I usually had some control over it, I just needed a few seconds. "Sorry."

"Don't apologize, really." She said watching me intensely. "You're so different from them."

"Them? Who?" I questioned curiously.

"Quinn…Brittany." Marley said before shyly pushing her hair back behind her ears. It occurred to me that she had just realized that I didn't know she went to McKinley and that's probably why she was flustered. "I'm a senior; maybe you haven't seen me around-."

"I have." I had seen her, occasionally in the library or at assemblies, but it hadn't hit me until now. "I just didn't realize it."

"I knew you were the observant type. You're quiet but you see everything." Marley said with a smile. "But your best friends are nothing like you. Quinn's loud, bossy, and overly confident, and Brittany-."

"She's what?" I could tell it came off as aggressive, or at least in a way that was a radical change from my tone but I didn't think to apologize or try and take it back this time.

"Nothing." Marley said before returning to her task. I think we both decided to ignore the whole conversation, from that moment. We didn't say it out loud, but it was implied, which was why a few minutes later I was confused when she spoke again. This time more firmly, like she was admitting to me her deepest longings, like she was confessing to me every ounce of her being. "She's bubbly, and she talks a ton, and…well I always thought that-."

"You know nothing about her, if you think you do you're wrong." I assured Marley. She looked like I'd just stabbed her in the back. She looked like I was betraying her someone. How could I betray her if I didn't even know her? "I get what it looks like from the outside."

"What does it look like?" She asked.

"You tell me." We'd finally finished sorting through the books and I took the ones that were in poor condition to the front of the store to ask Mr. Kingston what he wanted us to do with them.

"We take them to a homeless shelter on Sunday, but for now keep them in the backroom." I was reluctant to go back to the backroom, but I had no other choice. I went to the back room and set the books down again. Marley had her feet up on the table and looked at me as soon as I walked into the room.

"We take the books to a shelter on Sunday." I informed her.

"I know." She said with an air of nonchalance.

"Well why didn't you tell me?" Something about her was off, but I couldn't figure out what it was. She made me nervous for some reason, but there was nothing I could do about it.

"Are you dating Puck?" She asked ignoring my other question.

"No, that's a bullshit rumor, if you heard that around school." I assured her. "Who said that?"

"I figured Puck would've made his move by now. That's all." I looked down at my shoes and shook my head. Fuck Puck. "I didn't think he would be your type anyway, so I figured it wouldn't work out." I stared at her blankly for a few moments before sitting down in a chair next to her. "He isn't your type right?"

"No he's not."

"You don't date much do you?" She asked. That was a personal question right, too personal. She wasn't supposed to ask something like that. Maybe she felt like she could, maybe she thought that since she was older I would be intimidated by her and want to answer her, even if I was afraid to. "Wait you don't have to answer that, it was stupid."

"I don't date." I told her.

"Not ever?"

"Not ever." I responded quietly.

"Don't you think some people are sexy?" I didn't miss the fact that she said people and not boys. I knew Brittany had been too frivolous when she was around me, I'm sure people noticed. I didn't get a chance to answer her question because Mr. Kingston entered the back room just at that moment.

"Hi girls, my niece got hurt at her soccer game and I need to take her to the ER, Marley will you take over the register, and Santana stack the books. You two will be fine locking up right?" Marley and I nodded as we followed him to the counter. Mr. Kingston handed me the key and grabbed his jacket before leaving the store. Marley happily got behind the counter while I leaned against it.

"Why'd he give you the keys?" She asked.

"Because he trusts me, I have one of those trusting faces." Marley smiled and so did I.

"Secretly I kind of think you're a prick." Marley said with a light laugh. "You know, or like maybe a masochist, I mean the quiet girls are always the naughty ones right." I blushed out of habit, it was usually the reaction people went for when they used the word naughty in front of teenagers.

"I'm not…naughty." I assured her before beginning to put some of the books up on the shelf.

"Hey come here." I turned around and looked at her for a moment before putting up another book.

"Why, what do you need?" I asked.

"Just come here." I thought about ignoring her for a second, but then decided to walk over just to please her. "Behind the counter." I was confused, what was she doing right now? I walked behind the counter and Marley approached me to the point where our toes were touching and her nose was a few inches away from mine. "Hold still." What was she doing? Why couldn't I move?

She lifted her hand up and I closed my eyes as soon as her fingertips brushed against my eyelashes. I took a step back as soon as I heard the distinctive ding that came form the bell above the entrance to let us know that someone had entered. I looked over my shoulder and saw Brittany enter, she was smiling as she approached me, but when she saw Marley I could tell something was wrong. "What are you doing here?" I asked her.

"Visiting, seeing how things were going." Brittany grabbed my hand and pulled me around to the front of the counter. "Hi, I'm Brittany." She said giving Marley a small nod.

"I know who you are." Marley said. "I'm Marley." Brittany stared at her for just a second to long, long enough for me to recognize some tension between them. It was tension that had lasted for awhile, it didn't just start today.

"Come over here." Brittany pulled me towards the CDs and I followed. Seeing Brittany was a nice distraction from staying on my toes at all moments around Marley. "What were you guys doing before I came in here?" Brittany asked as she looked through the CDs pretending that she wasn't interested in the answer.

"Talking." I told her.

"Why were you both behind the counter? I thought you were all about personal space or something." Her nonchalance was strange, and the fact that she didn't look happy worried me.

"What?"

"She was flirting with you." Her tone was still hushed, but it was also angry. I even took a step closer to her and grabbed her hand, like I was expecting her to rush over towards the counter and yell at Marley. Brittany kept her eyes trained on me.

"I had something on my eyelash." I told her. "She got it off-."

"Can't you tell when someone wants to fuck you?" I was taken aback by her crude language. "Sorry, I'm sorry…long day."

"Yeah, it's okay." I told her before looking down at her shirt. She was wearing a Star Wars shirt and I smiled. I'd gotten her that last Christmas. "I like your shirt."

"Thanks, a total geek got it for me."

"You make fun, but you made me watch all the movies in one night." I reminded her. "Have you eaten anything since cheer practice?" I heard her stomach growl when we walked over here.

"No." She said bashfully.

"I have food in my bag." I grabbed her hand and pulled her towards the back room. "Well be right back." I told Marley who's eyes followed us all the way into the room. I reached into my bag, pulled out a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and handed Brittany the sandwich.

"No, you take half." She ripped the sandwich in half and handed me the bigger portion. We took a bite into our halves of the sandwich at the same time. "Why is it that when you make food it tastes so good?"

"It's pb&j." I said with a smile.

"But it tastes so good." She said before wrapping her arms around my neck. "Guess what?"

"What?" I asked as I rested my hands on the table behind me while Brittany refused to let go of me. I didn't mind, she was warm, and I was happy that her sour mood had went away.

"That Marley girl looks hella jealous." She said with a smirk.

"Did you just say hella? Weirdo." Brittany pinched my cheeks and giggled. "Wait, why is she jealous?"

"Because you took me in the back room, duh." Brittany said nudging my shoulder. "Let's mess with her." Brittany said as she walked over and closed the door loudly.

"What are we doing?" I asked her. All she did was smile and wave me over. I walked until she grabbed me and spun me and pushed my back against the door. I laughed but Brittany covered my mouth and told me to shut up. "Britt."

"Come on let's just mess with her." Brittany said.

"How?"

"Like this." Brittany hit her palm against the door; I was going to ask her what the hell she was doing until she began hitting the door at a rhythmic pace. I started smiling, it was obvious what she was doing, and I have to say that it was funny. If anyone had heard the sounds from the back room they would think that we were having a lot more fun than just came from talking. "God Santana that feels so good!" Brittany said loudly. She intertwined our hands and pushed them up above my hand.

"Stop." I whispered.

"Baby, you are fucking amazing!" I wanted to tell her to stop again, but she buried her head into the crook of my neck, and tried to contain her laughter. I'll admit, it was amusing, I'm sure Marley was confused as ever out there, a part of me was worried that Marley would actually take this seriously, a part of me thought she'd figure out it was a fluke right away. I didn't have time to process everything, because Brittany was moaning into my ear a second later, and that's when I decided it was enough.

"Okay, okay, stop." I pulled my hands away from her and gave her a warning look. "I think she gets the point."

"Get out your phone."

"Why?"

"So we can take a picture of her face." Brittany said with a grin.

"Everyone thinks you're such an angel." I told her. "If only they knew, you're such a troublemaker."

"I know." She opened the door, grabbed my hand, and pulled me out towards the front counter. Marley was standing there chewing gum and watching us. "So…wanna pick me up for school tomorrow?" She asked me.

"Sure that works." Brittany gave me a hug before she gave Marley the worst faux smile I'd ever seen. Brittany blew me a kiss before leaving. I'd probably have to call her later and chastise her for completely over doing it. But I did sort of like when Brittany goes out on a limb. "What time do we close?" I asked Marley as I tried to cover up my smile.

"Are you kidding?"

"No, why would I kid about an actual question?" I questioned.

"Wipe that smug look off your face." Marley said rolling her eyes. I leaned against the counter and smiled. I couldn't really keep up this act for much longer, I didn't know how to be confident or cocky. "I could hear you guys back there you know."

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"No idea, huh?"

"None." I said with a sly grin.

…

"How was your first day?" My mom asked as she sat down on the edge of my bed. "I mean you didn't get fired right?"

"No, I had fun, there's another girl working there and I don't really know how to feel about her. She's okay I guess, too intuitive maybe." I said with a shrug.

"You're the only person in history that would ever say someone is too intuitive." She commented with a smile. "Did you eat your snack?"

"Brittany showed up and I split it with her. Oh and, can I pick her up tomorrow morning for school?" I knew the answer before I even asked. She would say yes. She always says yes when it involves Brittany. She trusts her and loves her like a second daughter.

"You don't need to ask."

"Am I okay?" It felt like that came form nowhere, but words don't just come from nothing. They come from a feeling, a reaction, an action. It felt like I was breaking the fourth wall, it felt like my words were overshadowing my heart.

"What do you mean by that?"

"I don't know, but I know you love me, and I hope to God that you know what the hell I mean, because I don't." She looked at me and wrapped her arms around me.

"It's okay." That's when the tears came, because I've heard people say that a million times. It's okay, but those words never felt right. A few days ago I freaked out because I thought someone might think Brittany was flirting with me, and today I let someone think that Brittany and I were hooking up. I didn't make sense. My actions, my words, my feelings didn't make sense.

I just needed someone to show me what to do, not tell me, but show me. I needed a guide. Something to get me through life, a light at the end of the tunnel. Right now I felt like I was drowning. "Mommy, I just want to be normal." I was fucking drowning.

A/N: If it feels like Santana's emotions are jumbled, that's because they are, and I'm trying to portray that as best as I can. If you're still confused, you're totally meant to be so don't worry. Review please.