"The healthiest competition occurs when average people win by putting above average effort." -Colin Powell

Chapter Synopsis: Lola competes in a pageant...her FINAL pageant

"As soon as we entered our parents' house, I went to my room to prepare for that extracurricular activity I mentioned earlier. Those of you who know me know it can only be one thing. Of course, it's a pageant. Lana went to our room to…I don't know, relax after a rigorous school day? I don't know, but she was out COLD once she laid down on her bed. Anyway…"

"Hmm…I shouldn't be worried, after all, I have 68 consecutive pageant wins in my career. Even though my dresses look the same, they actually are various shades and tints of pink…I guess I'll wear the shocking pink one. After rehearsing what I'm going to be doing at said pageant, I waited until it was time for my dad to drive me over there. I walk in and the newcomers bow down to me. They know that I am the one who wins all the pageants."

I got ready for what would be my final pageant. Upon reaching backstage, I hear the banshee-like screams of one of my many rivals. But this girl, wearing a green dress, is my worst enemy. Her blood-red eyes and brown hair would intimidate lesser girls, but luckily, I've dealt with her multiple times within my career.

"Of course, YOU'RE here, Loud. Well, this time, I'm going to dethrone you as Michigan's sweetheart! I will finally break your winning streak! Also, I heard that the winner of this particular competition, will be scouted by agencies for a future modeling career, so I'm definitely going to prevent you from getting that!"

But our conversation was cut short by the start of the competition. Which is broadcast on the Princess Channel. I knew this because Linky and my sister tried to impersonate me. I wasn't there because I tripped on a hairspray can and broke my left arm and right leg. Lana was ruining my pageant reputation, the one I worked so hard to build up! If she didn't win…Lincoln might've had a crutch shoved up his ass, lying face-down in a pool of blood. The coroner would have ruled it a suicide. Back to the competition…

"Hello, I'm Donnie Dufresne, and I have great news for Michigan's junior sweethearts. To commemorate me hosting my 1000th pageant, the ANPMC has partnered up with us to find America's next top models! The winner of this pageant will be recruited in the future to be contestant number 26 in ANPMC's model contest, and will represent the great state of Michigan. With that out of the way, let the competition begin!"

Stage 1: Poise

The contests pose attractively and are scored by Donnie's elite panel of judges.

After careful deliberation. Lola won with a score of 28, with her enemy/rival Lindsey Sweetwater scoring a 27.

Stage 2: Interview

Donnie recites Lindsey's question.

"Lindsey, as we all know, Flint, Michigan has had a water crisis which was only fixed recently in 2020. Your question is…if the Flint water crisis was still going on today, how would you fix the problem?"

"Well Donnie, after knowing that the Flint river was contaminated with dangerous amounts of lead, I would immediately switch the drinking water reservoir to the nearby Thread Lake. Next, I would set up all of the water treatment plants so that the people can ingest the purified water. Problem solved, and crisis averted."

"Wow, that's actually kind of genius. Next up is Lola Loud."

I go up, nervous to answer the question.

"Lola, the world is watching as Kim Jong Un has finally did it. Despite former president Donald Trump's numerous warnings, the devilishly handsome dictator has customized his Hwasong 14 ICBM stockpile to carry miniaturized nuclear warheads and has announced over the KNCA that he plans to nuke America. My question is what should America do about the growing North Korean threat?"

"(fuck, no matter what I answer, it's going to be wrong!)"

"Well, if there's no other option, America would be forced to fight off the assault. Even though this act will trigger China to declare war on America (even though China is doing so to protect it's "ally", as even China thinks North Korea is a joke), Japan and South Korea will come to America's aid. Russia…won't actually take part in this conflict, it's not their problem. Either way, even though it will cause World War 3, we won't back down. As a famous Brit once said, "We shall not flag or fail, we shall defend our homeland, no matter what the cost may be, we shall never surrender."

An eruption of both cheers and jeers shout out from the crowd. The tears of patriots stream down, touched by her dedication to her country. Unfortunately, not even patriotism is enough to overtake Lindsey in this section of the pageant. As she so eloquently put it:

"Lola, you really are an idiot. Banking on patriotism to help sway the judges? Did you forget that we live in Royal Woods? Our city is a part of Oakland County. Do you get what I'm saying? This is one of the districts that Hillary Clinton won, along with Genesee, Ingham, Kalamazoo, Marquette, Muskegon, Washtenaw and Wayne County! Fervent Hillary supporters hate patriotism, and think it will lead to WW3! Out of 664,614 people who live and voted in Oakland County, you just pissed off 343,070 of them!"

Lola's response?

"You must be desperate if you're willing to resort to politics. Your precious Hillary only got 9.5% of all Michigan votes. Winning only 8 of the 84 Counties. Are you so desperate enough to rile up all of the HCSs and/or L3s just to further your own agenda…sounds like someone famous we know. But I digress, this isn't the place to discuss politics."

Lindsey's politicization of this pageant aside, time to move on to the final part of the pageant.

Stage 3: Talent

"Ok Lindsey, what's your talent?"

"Being able to convince people to do what I want."

"And how are you going to be able to do that?"

"Like this."

Lindsey tries to sway the judges to give her a triple 10. Unbelievably, she managed to get 2 of the judges to do it. The outlier judge was unamused by her talent and gave her a 0.

"And now for our last contestant, miss Lola Loud!"

I get up on the stage.

"What's your talent?"

"…being cute?"

"Ok? Judges?"

All of them give her a 7.

The pageant concludes. Donnie gets ready to announce the winner.

And the winner of the ANPMC: Michigan Division Pageant is…

…

…

…

Lindsey Sweetwater!

My heart sank after hearing that. Lindsey Sweetwater actually WON against me?!

"Ha! You finally lost, Loud! And at such a critical moment too. It's true what they say about revenge, it's most delicious when served cold. It tastes like cookie dough ice cream, delicious!"

Lindsey then proceeded to gloat in my face for the rest of the pageant. I found out about it later, but I got 2nd place, but the worst part about it was that I was 1 point behind from being first. She got the recruitment and a win against me! Well, at least there's one thing she can't beat me at…

Preview

"Aww, our little sis is going on her first date! Good luck, Lola!"

Author's Note: ANPMC stands for "American National Pageant Model Conversion". Yes, Lindsey really is so desperate to win that she'd resort to politicizing the pageant by playing the Hillary Clinton card. Unfortunately, since Hillary won Oakland County, playing the Hillary card here might actually work. For those that care about political jokes, HCS stands for "Hillary Clinton Supporters" and L3s stand for "loony leftist liberals". Yes, I really did look up the results of Michigan's 2016 US presidential election data just to present the most accurate information. But moving away from politics, the most important part of this chapter is that Lindsey won against Lola.