Authors Note: hey readers! Sorry for the wait, but this chapter was really hard to write for a few reasons: one, I was getting bad writers block. Two, I was getting doubt's about if anyone liked what I was writing. And three, a lot had to happen to advance the story, so I had to make sure I wrote it to the best of my ability. (BTW this is the third time I've tried uploading this, the site hates me! Lol) But you don't want to hear about my insecurities, you want read, so with out further adou: chapter 6!
Chapter 6
When I woke up, I realized I had absolutely no idea where I was. I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and sat right up in bed, pulled back the soft mismatched blankets on top of me, and looked around the room I was staying in. Panicking at the unfamiliarity.
The walls were unoccupied except a for few shelves filled with books, the room also only held a dresser, a night table, and a bed for furniture. And the only way of appliances was a cheap lamp on the table beside me that was missing a lightbulb, and a small clock on the wall reading 7:40 am. In short, the small unnaturally tidy space was barren, almost like an unoccupied hotel room. And I instantly knew where I was. My erratic breathing slowed to a more normal pace, though I didn't entirely calm down.
Not wanting to stay any longer, I searched the floor for my socks, and quickly pulled them on before heading out the half open door. Thank god i had slept in my clothes. I tip toed out of the room, holding my breath while praying Yasotaru was sleeping so I could make a clean get away. I had just made it to the door when I heard him clear his throat.
"You sneaking out?" He called, and I jumped where I stood, my hand resting on the doorknob, and I let out a curse to convey my near heart attack. I slowly turned around expecting him to be standing in the cramped hallway with me, arms crossed, but he wasn't anywhere in my vision. I remained quiet, waiting to see where he was, hand still on the knob in case I needed to make a quick escape. I heard him sigh, and saw his rumpled bed head poke out from behind the wall leading to the kitchen.
"Hello~? Ami? You still here?" He asked again, and this time I answered him. I only wished I didn't sound as timid as I did.
"... Yes, I am still here. Do you know where my shoes are?" I quietly inquired, almost hoping he didn't hear me and i began searching for them myself, knowing I needed to get home as soon as possible because my dad must be worried about me. When I heard noises coming my way, I looked up in surprise to see him striding down towards me, his hands covered in... Egg yolk? And his pajama bottoms and loose T-shirt freckled with bread crumbs. He looked down at me while I was searching, and I moved slightly away from him, not comfortable being very close with anyone right now. He noticed and backed off, then pointed to the little closet beside me.
"Leaving so soon?" I nodded. He let out another sigh. "Your shoes are in there if you wanna head out, but I'm making breakfast if you want some." He offered, and then headed back to the kitchen. I sat there, perplexed. A ghoul making breakfast? Why? I wondered, but my stomach answered for me. He must have been making food for me since he couldn't eat human food. My stomach growled loudly, and I placed my hand over it, surprised by the sudden onslaught of hunger. Yasotaru must have heard it too, because he poked his head out again, and saw me in the exact same place I was.
Yasotaru yelled out again: "Food's getting cold, take it or leave it." My stomach grumbled demandingly once more, and while I was very hungry, I needed to be heading home now. I would very likely be in trouble for the damage I inflicted on my screen, sneaking out, and staying out till morning. So the sooner i got home, the sooner i could make up for what i did, and get the punishment over with. But if i were being truly honest with myself, i didn't want to stay in the same apartment with him because of how hurt and betrayed i still felt from the last time we were together like this. I knew i was being unreasonable, but i was feeling pangs of nostalgia from our close proximity and his actions that left my heart aching, so I told Yasotaru I was leaving, but thanks for the offer.
He decided he wouldn't take no for an answer: "Ami, I can hear your stomach growling from here, just one slice of toast won't do any harm, you're clearly hungry. Then you can leave." He insisted, and I got another reminder of how he used to look out for me, and how kind he was. I guess some things never do change. I almost smiled at that thought, but quickly dropped it. But everything had changed, hadden't it? Him, me, my life. I was going to refuse him again politely, but I didn't want to upset him more, so I stood up, and finally released the doorknob before heading towards Yasotaru's kitchen.
When I turned the corner, I couldn't believe my eyes. My ex-boyfriends kitchen was the biggest room in the small apartment, and every inch of it was a mess. Yasotaru had made me breakfast, but I could barley recognize it as that on the one plate at the table. His counters were covered with pieces of burn bread and failed egg experiments, and the smoke in the kitchen was making it hard to see, much less breathe.
Nevertheless, I promised that I would eat something, so I focused on that and leaving as I sat down on the cold wooden stool, and picked up a half torched piece of toast. I nibbled at the good part, which wasn't too bad, and noticed Yasotaru sit down on the opposite side of the square table without a plate in sight, which for a moment caught me off guard. Then I remembered last night, and it made sense. Even though I knew he was a ghoul, i guess it was still strange to see him not eating, because I was under the impression he had a large appetite when I thought he was human. Guess he had choked down the food just to appear normal around me, I thought sullenly, but forced the thought away.
I looked back down at my plate, but finally chose to speak as I picked at my questionable eggs.
"Thank you for the meal." I whispered. And I glanced up at him through my eyelashes to see him nod slightly.
"You're welcome." He said. A pause, then."I feel i have to apologize for the less than pitiful breakfast. I have no need for cooking skills, so you are paying the price for that now." He chuckled nervously, running his fingers over a dent in the table, and I could tell he was trying to start a conversation to get past the heavy silence in the room. "At least tell me its not horrible, but if it is I can go out and buy something else. It's no trouble" I shook my head at him, and placed my fork back down on the plate.
"That's not nessesary. No apologies needed, and you don't need to waste your money on me, I'm honestly not very hungry."
Yasotaru winced at my overly formal words that I never used around him, and laid his hand on mine unexpectedly, starting to say something, but stopped when I sucked in a surprised breath and stiffened instantly. Very quickly yanking my hand away. I soon regretted my spontaneous actions when I saw Yasotaru's hurt face again. I held back my oncoming tears and stood up suddenly. I could not stay here any longer, I could not continue to make people upset around me, but at the same time: I should not upset myself.
"I.. I'm sorry, but I need to go." I said, and turned on my heal, all but running to the door.
"Wait!" He yelled after me, but I ignored him, swiftly tugging on my shoes, and exiting his apartment. I briskly walked toward the elevator, and hastily punched the button that would take me to the lobby. Never once looking back.
"Wait Ami! Hold on, let me talk to you. There are things I need to say." He shouted, but by the time he reached me, I was already in the elevator and the doors had shut. I backed up against the wall, slid to the floor, and my arms wrapped around my knees as i dealt with the turmoil going on in my head: Why did he have to look so upset when I jerked my hand away? He obviously has no feelings for me, and probably never did -I don't want to know how he felt when we spent time together anymore - even if he did, does he have ANY idea how it felt to wake up that morning alone? Did he feel any remorse using me for sex and then throwing me away? I doubt it. I should never have gone out looking for him last night, it was a huge, humiliating mistake. Now he knew I was pregnant, and I still had no idea how he reacted to that knowledge. He most likely didn't want anything to do with it or me, so leaving now was seeming like the best thing I could do for myself and the child. I clasped my coat zipper, and roughly did it up, taking a deep breath.
I kept seeing his face back in the room, and when he was running towards me. What was so important that he needed to tell me? Oh well, it doesn't matter anyway.
When the elevator finally reached the bottom, I stood up unsteadily, and was swiping away at angry tears while dashing out the door, covering my eyes from the too bright sun and onlookers who could see me crying. I was about two feet out of Yasotaru's apartment when someone's hand took hold of my arm, and kept me from walking anywhere. Scared, I turned around and swung my other arm at the stranger, hoping to distract him so I could escape, but he grabbed my other arm and rendered it useless. I was about to kick them when the stranger spoke up.
"Hey! Ami stop its me!" Yasotaru said, but I still struggled to get away from him. "Please let go of me, why did you even follow me out here?" I asked him, straining against his grip.
"Because I never got a chance to explain things, I know your mad at me, furious even, and you have every right to be. But you need to hear what I have to say, then I promise I will leave you alone forever." He said, and I stopped pulling against him, and just stood there silently.
"Of course I'm mad at you." I whispered, vaguely surprised by how much I meant it, but to distraught to care. Leave me alone forever? Doesn't he realize that's what has me so upset? Yes him being a ghoul shocked me, and I don't know what to think about that but I would have tried to understand had he just TOLD me. "What could you possibly have to say that can fix all this? Why do you even think I'm so upset?" I asked quietly. He stepped closer to me, almost talking in my ear. "This Isn't the best place for this, would you consider going somewhere to-"
"No. I'm going home." I said, and waited for him to release me. He did, but followed me after I started walking.
"At least let me explain on the way, and after I'm done, you can ask me anything you want." He pleaded with me.
I stopped mid step. I did have questions I wanted to ask him, most of them about last night, but how could I be sure he would tell the truth? He's been lying to me the whole time we've been together, did I owe him time to explain himself? I thought about all these things, and came to the conclusion that my curiosity outweighed my reasonable thinking to just walk away.
I turned to him. "Okay, you can explain anything you want." He nodded his head in thanks, and let out a relieved breath, but I continued. "But only if I get to ask my questions first, and if I'm not happy with my answers I'm walking away, and I want you to stay away." I finished, and I could tell he was not expecting what I just said, but he agreed anyway and we went to get a cup off coffee because I felt I would probably be needing one.
We had just left from the cafe, both holding our drinks in our hands, and I figured Yasotaru just bought one for show, so I was shocked when he took a long sip from his without puking or spitting it out.
"Wait a minuet, I thought Ghouls couldn't eat or drink normal food" I questioned him quietly, hoping no one could hear me as i stared wide eyed at his cup.
"And that's true, except for coffee. I honestly have no idea why we can consume it normally, but it helps if we have at least one thing we can digest to blend in with the crowd." To prove a point, he sipped at his drink again, and smiled contentedly. I felt my cheeks darken a bit at his carefree smile despite myself. If I hadden't known any better, I would have thought he was happy, instead of how anxious I knew he was at the moment. He is a great actor I reminded myself. But I also reminded myself why I was talking to him, and ran through my list of questions.
"Okay, I have some questions now." I said.
"As do I, but we can get to mine later." He replied
"First question:" I rushed along, "what happened last night? Why was I at your house this morning?" I inquired, taking another sip, and looking around at my surroundings. We were just wandering aimlessly through the random alleys around the main street, and thankfully not a lot of people were walking around because it was only 8:45 so we didn't look too suspicious... 'Too' being the key word. We still got glances, but not as many as we could have gotten had we left later on in the day.
He took his time to gather a response. "Its a long story... You want the brief one or long one?" He asked.
"Let's start with brief, then go into detail when I need more clarification." I requested.
"Alright then. Last night I went out hunting, and then suddenly you show up, all scared and gripping your stomach like it was hurting you. You kept going on about how hungry you were, and then you..." He trailed off, and i told him to continue, I could handle this. He shook his head sadly, and I could tell he didn't think I could, or the revelation would seriously upset me. Now i was getting worried. What did I do last night I wondered, getting nervous and clasping the cup of now cooling coffee in my hands tightly, almost piercing the thin material with my nails.
"Are you sure?" He asked.
"Yes, I'm sure. Please continue, I need to know." I said
"You... You ate a human arm." He announced flatly. There, no holding back whatsoever. Man, I wished now he would have held that part back. But there's no going back from hearing this.
He was right. I couldn't handle it. My stomach churned, and I felt the toast and... Whatever else was in my digestive track slowly rise up my throat. I gaged, and roughly swallowed the rising bile till the nausea passed. A few people looked at me, but soon returned to whatever they were doing. My clouded memories from last night suddenly sharpened, and I knew he was telling the truth. Oh god, I... What have I done?
"Hey, its okay Ami. Its all going to be okay." He proclaimed. No, no it wasn't. But I pushed back my horror for what I had done back into my mind, and continued with my questions. Not wanting to dwell on the horrible... Disgusting things I was remembering by the second... The blood, the feeling and taste of the skin was enough to make me shudder.
"I'll deal with this later. I need to know some more things."
He didn't pause. "Anything you want to know."
"Why didn't you tell me what you are?"
He laughed, but more darkly then before. "Same reason we all don't reveal our true selves to the humans: fear. I feared telling you especially Ami, hell, your own father works for the group that kills us." He muttered.
"Is that why you left me that morning? Because you found out what my father does for a living?" I offered. He nodded his head.
"So what? I could have explained that you are a good person.." I tailed off, I could tell as I spoke the words, that there was never going to be a way my father would except Yasotaru to who he was. He agreed with me.
"I'm not a good person Ami, yes I love you more than anything else in this world." I stiffened at his words, not realizing there was a chance he actually felt anything for me. "But you know about me, my Frankenstein persona. I am probably the most dangerous ghoul wandering the streets of the 20th ward, and you saw that last night when I attacked you, when you saw what was left of the body. Your father wouldn't hesitate for a second to kill me."
I knew he was right, but the way he talked about my fathers work had me wondering about his clear disdain for ghoul investigators, why did he hate them so much? Even to leave in the middle of the night just to get away from the daughter of one. The investigators were the good guys, weren't they?
"Please don't misunderstand me when I ask you this, because I'm sure you must have reasons." I began hesitantly, my hands twist together after I discarded the practically full coffee cup. I had maybe taken 5 sips. Yasotaru remained silent, waiting for me to continue. "But I was wondering, why do you hate the ghoul investigators so much?" I quizzed him, and this time, his silence lasted for minuets, his face slowly taking on the appearance of sadness, contempt, misery, and longing.
My hands tightened together, and i told him he didn't have to answer this if he didn't want to. Comprehending loud and clear this must be personal, and crossing the boundary lines. No matter how mad and upset i was at him, i get some things are painful to be shared at the wrong time, or even at all. But he said he promised to be truthful with me about everything and answer all my questions, so I then told him to take his time. When he felt ready to talk, he gave me the answer.
"I don't want to hate them. I grasp they do what they feel is right by the human race, but some of the things they have done are inexcusable." He accused, and his eyes focused on the ground we walked on, no longer wearing the face of a happy young man. I made it obvious I wasn't following, and he went into more detail. "You have to know something Ami, there are some very, very bad ghouls out there. Myself included. But there are those who are good, who go months without eating, who have never attacked people, who only eat the already dead. I know these ghouls, I have friends who are like this, and I had family who were like that." He now took in a shuddering breath. "I had a mother, a father, and a younger brother. A family of peaceful ghouls, but that didn't matter to them. The investigators. My father was the first to be hunted down, he was on his way back from gathering meat from a suicide victim, and they killed him on the street like a sick sideshow attraction." He spat out angrily, but continued. "Next was my brother. He was afraid to eat after our father was executed, and went a long time without food because he feared being killed by the doves. Eventually his sanity crumbled away, and he attacked some woman one night, and got caught by some young dove. He was only eight." He revealed, and I wiped the new tears that gathered in my eyes. Not being able to imagine the agony he went through losing a sibling. I know Hana is difficult to deal with, but I still love her, and would weep if something were to happen to her. I now completely saw his reasoning for hating the human investigators. But one thing still confused me. One part left out.
"What about your mother?" I gently pried, and Yasotaru slowly shook his head. "She wasn't hunted at first, she became depressed and wasted away. Much like my brother, she refused to eat, and in the end, begged me to end it all. So because I couldn't stand too see her starve herself, I force fed her everyday, and she seemed to get better over time. Even began smiling again." I kept quiet, waiting for the inevitable punchline. "But then one day, I came home and saw in the news that my mother had been on a rampage through the 19th and 18th wards, and was killed on sight. That is why I hate ghoul hunters, they killed the good ghouls, and left me alone in the world." He finished his tale, and I could stand it no longer, I stopped walking and threw my arms around him. Some part of me still raged over what happened between us, and that there was so much to talk about: like the baby, what we are to each other, and what I'm going to tell my parents when i start showing. But even though I don't truly know how he feels about me, I know I still care for him, and didn't like seeing him this depressed.
At first he didn't reciprocate, but slowly and surely, his arms went around me, and we stood there for who knows how long, just hugging each other. I ran my hands through his hair, and whispered in his ear. "Yasotaru, I am so very sorry for your loss, I can't even begin to imagine how hard its been." I felt him nod against my shoulder, and he pulled away.
"Thanks. I appreciate you listening." He said. I inclined my head, and we kept walking.
"So.." He started, and I looked up at him. "I should probably start explaining myself, shouldn't I?"
"No, you have just explained everything I needed to hear. I get it. Though I'm still a bit upset, and confused as ever about some things, I get why you left, why you stayed away, and why you didn't tell me what you are. Don't get me wrong, I don't know where we stand at the moment, that's a conversation for another time. But, " I said, and watched his face turn from surprised to confused, "I want to try and make things right between us. Whatever that takes... Within reason of course." I smiled for the first time in what felt like an eternity, and put my hand to my stomach, feeling the small bump again for the hundredth time. "We aren't just thinking about ourselves anymore."
"Yeah, I know... I know" Yasotaru repeated, but then backtracked us back onto the previous conversation, leaving the old one in the dust.
" But really? Your okay with everything you just heard?"
I thought about it for a moment, then nodded. "Yeah."
"So you have nothing else you want me to say?"
"Now that you mention it, yes. What were you trying to tell me back at your apartment?" I reminded him, amazed I had forgotten.
"Oh yeah, that." He mused anxiously, and I got flashbacks to another time when he was this flustered in front of me: when he confessed. I dismissed the memory, and listened to him speak.
He took a deep breath. "I, um, gave this a lot of thought, and I know - believe me - the circumstances are not favorable to be telling you this right now, right here, but... If you would let me, and its completely up to you: would you allow me to get to know my child? And be there when they grow up?" He licked his dry lips. "I guess what I'm really asking is, can I help raise our baby? I will be there every step of the way if you'll let me. I won't make or let you go through this alone."
I don't know if this is overdramatification of my feelings, but at that very moment the dread in my stomach that's been constant for weeks just... Disappeared. And the weight resting on my shoulders for over a month evaporated, but that's just how I felt on the inside, on the outside I was smiling widely. He really was fine with sicking around to look after our kid? I almost couldn't believe it, but I know I wasn't hearing things. He honestly would not leave me alone with his child, and I don't think I can get any happier than I was right now.
I realized he was waiting for a reply, so I choked a surprised, but wonderfully relieved: "yes." Yasotaru looked so unbelievably happy right there I almost gave him another hug, but then I remembered I forgot to give him the rest of my reply.
"But only if you want that. And only if you promise to stay, to never leave like you did last time, and to be the best father you van be. Those are my conditions." I stated, and dropped the smile to show how serious I was being, and he seemed to get it.
"I promise."
When i came to the conclusion I had avoided fate and reality long enough, I told Yasotaru I need to go home, and he should probably leave because my dad would most likely still be mad at him. But he adamantly refused, telling me he would deal with it, and that even though it was still early, it was dangerous to walk anywhere alone in this ward. While I was happy I didn't have to venture home by myself anymore, he and I knew what was waiting for us.
It didn't take long to reach my house, and already I could feel this was going to be bad. I have never snuck out of the house before, much less stay out all night till morning, so the punishment wasn't going to be pretty. I felt Yasotaru's hand close around mine comfortably, and this time I did not shake it off. I would need all the support I can get, because I am terrified of what my mother will do.
Yasotaru felt and saw my shaking, and looked down in concern. "Ami, are you OK? He asked me, probably already knowing why I was so scared to walk into my own home.
".. Yeah, fine.. Fine." I murmured, and tightened my grip on his fingers.
"Are you going to be alright? Will she hurt you? Will he? Because if they try, I will protect you."
I avoided looking at him. "No, my father has never laid a hand on me. But I don't know what mom will do." I shivered remembering my mothers last cruel words, and when she hit me. I did not want to go home, but I was already here.
"Are you going to tell her your pregnant?"
"I don't know, but she will find out eventually."
"Ready to go in?"
"Not even a little bit."
We held onto each other as we climbed the porch steps, and rang the doorbell.
Authors Note part 2: Again, sorry for the wait, and I hope you all enjoyed this chapter... Till next time! :)
Comments:
Yay! Someone got that reference! Yes I believe you are right about who I mentioned a chapter back, you must be a big fan (like I am) to have picked up on that. Anyways thank you very much for the moment :) hope you are enjoying the story so far!
First ofall, thank you for that compliment! Really means a lot to me :) and yeah I like the background mysterious characters we don't know a lot about as well, and I wanted to write a Tokyo ghoul fanfic for soo long, so I decided to focus on kaneki's mom. And the two things you mentioned at the end: I already had an idea to do something like what you said, but I won't tell which one because... Spoilers! Last but not least, thanks again for the comment in general, its nice to know I have readers :)