A/N. Okay, so this is actually an angsty chapter but compared to C7 it's not bad. I finished Harry Potter 5 in three days. It's 870 pages. I clearly need a life. I don't own anything.
"Here goes nothing. Here goes everything. Gotta reach for something or you'll fall for anything. So take a breath, take a step. What comes next, God only knows. But here goes." - 'Here Goes' by Bebo Norman.
Carlos sits at the kitchen table in the Knight's home, staring at the large clock on the wall. Usually time seems to crawl by for the energetic boy but today is different. The thin second hand seems to be going twice its normal speed as he waits for 2:00. He doesn't want 2:00 to come at all.
1:48.
He turns his gaze to look out the back window where he can just see Camille and Logan sitting together on the back porch swing. They look so peaceful and happy right now. Logan looks peaceful and happy even though he's had nightmares almost every single night since he came home from the hospital the first time. His arm is wrapped around Camille's shoulders and he's resting his head on top of her's as they talk quietly.
Logan hasn't had another panic attack. They've all been extremely cautious to avoid triggering any unwelcome memories but Carlos suspects that Camille has done a good job of keeping Logan at ease in a way that no one else can mimic.
1:54.
Carlos is scared. He's terrified that Logan is going to have another panic attack. He can never forget the way Logan cried and begged them not to hurt him and then totally froze everyone out, deaf to the care and love in their voices. Carlos has known that Logan isn't completely whole. But it wasn't until Kendall's birthday that they all realized just how broken he is now.
With a start, Carlos looks up at the clock and his shoulders slump. 2:01. He wishes that he was a super hero so he could freeze time and keep Logan in the state of bliss that Camille keeps him in just with her presence. But he's not a super hero. He's just an ordinary seventeen-year-old guy who is determined to do everything in his human powers to keep his best friend safe. Even though what he needs to do now is maybe break Logan's heart.
He stands up and walks over to the screen door, pausing to take in the serenity of the couple on the other side. It's obvious that they've both forgotten what today is going to bring for them. He slowly slides the screen door open, wincing when Logan jumps slightly at the unexpected sound. "Sorry," he apologizes for so much more than scaring him.
Instantly, Logan's face changes from content to a poorly hidden grief. "It's time isn't it?" He asks quietly.
Carlos can only nod at first, frightened by how quickly Logan has already changed. "Yeah. It's time."
Logan stands up and pulls Camille to her feet, keeping their hands locked together. "All right then." He says in a defeated tone. "Let's go."
Carlos turns and walks ahead of the other two, giving them some last minute privacy.
Logan stops by the front door and takes both of Camille's hands. "I'm sorry I can't come with you." He tells her, lowering his head in shame. He hates himself for being such a coward that he can't bring himself to go to the airport while they drop off Camille and Jo. He's too scared to go out in public unless he has to for a doctor's appointment.
Camille frees one of her hands and touches Logan gently on the chin so that he looks back up at her. "I understand, Logan. You don't have to be ashamed. I don't blame you at all." She sees Logan's beautiful brown eyes fill with tears and her own eyes fill at the sight. "Please don't cry." She steps into his embrace and rests her head against his chest, taking pleasure in feeling the heartbeat that tells her he's alive.
"I'll miss you." Logan buries his head in her brunette curls and inhales the scent of the shampoo she uses, determined to remember everything about her. The way she looks, the way her voice sounds, and the way her hair smells.
"I'll miss you too, Logan. I promise I'll visit as much as possible." By now Camille's tears are flowing freely but when she pulls away she sees that Logan is struggling to stay strong for her. She closes her eyes as he reaches up with both hands, placing them of either side of her face, and wipes the tears away.
Logan leans forward and kisses Camille, hoping that the intimate contact will provide him with the strength he needs to hold himself together until she leaves and he can fall apart. "I'll be looking forward to your visits then." He says with a shaky smile. Then he glances at his watch and the smile slips. "You'd better get going." He whispers.
Camille doesn't want to leave him. She knows that he's perfectly safe with his friends and their families who will never ever let anything happen to him again. But as she nods and steps away she can't help but feel like she's losing him all over again. The increased distance between them only lasts for a heartbeat and she finds herself back in his arms again. She hates how thin he is and how he winces slightly when she hugs him just a little too hard but he's here and soon she's going to be there and she's not sure she can handle it. Then she hears him.
"I love you." Logan whispers. He steps out of her embrace so he can kiss her again. Her lips are soft and sweet and he's realizes just how perfect the two of them are together. Meant to be. He ignores the tiny voice in his head that asks why she's leaving if they're so perfect. Sometimes things needed to happen for. . . He can't come up with a good explanation so he just rambles aloud to her, drowning out the voice in his head.
"I love you so much, Camille. I always have and I always will. I can't even begin to thank you for what you've done for me. You and Carlos and James and Kendall and everyone else. You saved my life and you're still saving my life right now." He takes her small hand and lays it on his chest above his heart. "Feel that?" He asks softly. "The only reason that's happening is because all those months I was locked away and everything. . . I had something to keeping living for."
"But I'm leaving you." Camille sniffs back more tears, not ever wanting to move from the very spot she's standing. She wants to hear Logan's heartbeat for the rest of her life.
"I know." Logan's face is pained but he smiles anyway. "But only for a little bit until you visit again. It's temporary, Cam. We know it's coming to an end." He glances outside. Kendall and James and Jo are in the car waiting and Carlos is nowhere to be seen. "I have something for you." His grief at losing Camille again eases and is replaced by nerves. He slips one hand inside his pocket and pulls out a small jewelery box. "We're a little young and I'm still too messed to be thinking about getting engaged, but. . ."
"Logan," Camille gasps as Logan suddenly drops slowly to one knee.
Logan swallows and grips her hand tightly even though he knows that she isn't going anywhere. "This isn't an engagement ring." He explains as he opens the box to reveal a silver ring. "But it's a promise ring. Camille, I love you. I can't say that enough. I want to spend the rest of my life with you and I know it won't happen for a long time but. . . I promise that as long as you want me I'm yours."
Camille is crying again but the tears have switched from tears of sadness to an overwhelming joy. "Logan," She whispers again. She drops to both of her knees in front of him and kisses him, laying her arms over his shoulders and around his neck in a loose hug. "I love you too and I promise I'll always be yours."
A smile lights up Logan's face. "Are you sure?" He asks. "You don't have to. I know I'm not perfect or anything but-"
Quickly, Camille silences him by placing her fingertips over his lips. "You're perfect to me." She tells him. "Yes, I'm sure."
Logan's hands shake but he manages to slide the ring on Camille's right ring finger. "We'll save your left ring finger." He smiles again and kisses her on the hand. Then he takes both of her hands in his again and stands up, pulling her up with him. "I love you so much." He says again. He lifts her hand up and kisses the ring. "Now you'll always have a part of me even when we're apart."
One last time, Camille finds herself in his arms but this time it doesn't feel like her heart is breaking. "I love you too. I promise I'll write you every day and call every night. I'll visit as much as I can and one day. . ." She glances down at the ring on her finger and smiles. "One day I'll be Mrs. Camille Mitchell and we'll never be apart again."
They step apart and their linked hands eventually, regretfully break. Logan watches from the doorway as Camille walks down the steps and to the car, glancing over her shoulder every few steps. He continues to watch as she gets in the car and closes the door. Even when he can't see her through the tinted window and Kendall pulls out of the driveway he watches. Then the car disappears around the corner and he heads up to his room, his strength giving out at last. He's not sure if his heart or his feet are heavier as he drags himself slowly up the stairs, trying to see past the blinding tears.
Carlos is already waiting for him in the upstairs hallway. He wraps an arm around his shaking friend and leads him to the bedroom. "Lay down for a little bit, Logan." He says gently.
Unable to stand, Logan willingly obeys. He tries to hold back his tears for Carlos' sake but when he feels his younger friend start to rub his back comfortingly, he loses his control and sobs into his pillow, shaking with the effort. "I'm s-sorry." He stammers out in between gasps of air.
"It's okay to cry, Logan." Carlos feels his own eyes burn with tears but he blinks them away. "You've been too brave anyway."
"I just. . . didn't expect it to hurt so much." Logan turns on his side so he can see Carlos. "I miss her already."
"Logie," Carlos squeezes his friend's shoulders gently. "I'm sorry."
His apology catches Logan off guard and the tears cease almost instantly. "Why are you sorry?" He asks in confusion.
Carlos shrugs and looks down. "Because," He says, his voice catching. "You're so sad and I can't make you feel better." He looks back at Logan. "I hate seeing you like this."
"Don't be sorry." Logan sits up slowly, wincing in pain. "It's not your fault. Carlos." He reaches over and grabs the box of tissues near his bed and dries his face. "I'm sorry for falling apart. I just. . . I love her and I don't want to be apart from here. That was the worst part, you know."
"What do you mean?" Carlos frowns, sensing that he has an idea of what Logan is talking about.
For a minute, Logan doesn't answer him. Then, "When you weren't with me." He whispers. "I'm glad that you weren't with me of course. But I missed you so much. Everything he did to me was nothing compared to how much I missed everyone. I was so lonely. That's the worst feeling in the world, Carlos. I hate being alone."
"But you're not alone anymore." Carlos points out in hopes of cheering Logan up.
It works a little. Logan flashes him one of the tiny grins that they've all come to treasure because they're so rare. "Believe me, I know. I'm really glad about that. But I hate being so messed up like this. Carlos, I don't remember anything about my panic attack and everyone else is terrified that it'll happen again. I hate being such a burden on everyone."
Carlos starts shaking his head before Logan is done speaking. "Logan," He says as firmly as he dares. "You're not a burden at all. You don't know what it was like when we lost you. I thought I was going to die. We never knew anything. Having you back with us. . . it's a miracle. We couldn't be happier."
"I know that." Logan says with the tiniest trace of doubt. "Thank you, But I just want to stop messing things up. Like Kendall's birthday last week. And it's James' birthday tomorrow. What am I going to do then? I didn't get Kendall a present and I have no idea what I can possibly give to James."
A small laugh escapes Carlos. "You're kidding, right? You're our present, Logan. There's nothing any of us want."
"But I want to give you something." Logan insists. "I just. . . don't know."
"Then you and I will think about it while we wait for Kendall and James to get back." Carlos promises cheerfully. "It'll take your mind off Camille until she calls you tonight." He grins suddenly. "By the way, you rocked earlier today. Congrat-"
"Shhh." Logan turns bright red. "We didn't get engaged or anything."
"Oh no?" Carlos can't help but tease him a little. "What's the difference?"
Logan sighs and shrugs. "Actually," He admits. "I don't really know. I didn't exactly ask her to marry me but we promised each other so. . ."
"So you're practically engaged." Carlos gives him a hug. It starts out as an innocent hug to congratulate Logan. But Carlos finds it hard to let him go. For some childish reason he believes he can hold Logan together if they just stay like that. He's afraid to let go but when he feels Logan go from relaxed to tense, he reluctantly pulls away.
Instead of answering him, Logan ducks his head and rubs the back of his neck. "So," He begins conversationally. "What's this about you helping me find presents for James and Kendall?"
"Oh right." Carlos fakes a laugh and tries to shake off the feeling that Logan is falling apart even though he seems to be okay. He tries to ignore the fact that there's nothing he can do to stop it. "Sure, I'll help you." He stands up and then helps Logan to his feet as well. "Let's brainstorm."
As Carlos leads him slowly out of the room, Logan casts one last glance at the picture he has sitting on his desk. He and Camille. Back in LA. Everything was so normal. Exactly who was he anymore?
When Kendall and James return the house is fairly quiet. Kendall's mother is reading one of her magazines while Katie seems content with a movie. "Where-" Kendall starts to ask right away.
"In Logan's room." Mrs. Knight smiles at the two of them. "Logan's okay for the most part. He was upset when you first left but I think Carlos took good care of him."
Carlos. Kendall has to work to keep the smile on his face. He used to be the sunshine of the four boys. He always made everyone feel better so Kendall isn't surprised by his mother's words. Kendall is proud of Carlos for how much he has matured but he just wishes that the situation wasn't so heartbreaking. He wants Carlos to be goofy again and he wants James to be self-absorbed again and he wants Logan to be Logan again. Maybe one of these days. He tells himself as he follows James' quick steps up the stairs.
"Hey."
Carlos and Logan are sitting in the middle of the floor in Logan's room. They look up when the other boys walk in. Carlos grins widely while Logan merely gives them a tired smile. "Did the girls get on their plane without a problem?"
"Yup." Kendall nods to ease Logan's fears. "Camille said she'll call you when she gets in tonight." He and James join their friends on the floor. "We saw the ring you gave her." When Logan blushes, Kendall can't help but smirk a little. But tears fill his eyes anyway and he hugs Logan gently, only letting him go so James can hug him too. "We're really happy for you two."
When Logan smiles again, Kendall wishes he had a camera so he could caption the rare moment. "Thanks." He says shyly. "Do you think we'll be okay?"
"Don't think so." James says with a shake of his head. "Know so."
"Hey," Logan sits up and changes the subject. "I have presents for you guys."
"Presents?" Kendall and James repeat in unison. "Logie," Kendall shakes his head. "We don't want anything."
Logan glares at him. "Yeah well I want to give you something so get over it." He stands up and takes a wrapped package from the bed. "James first because it's easier." He hands James the gift and watches him nervously. "I didn't actually buy anything. Carlos and I just made a few trips here and there. I mean, one trip." He stammers awkwardly as he stares at his friend.
"It's fine, Logan." James says quickly. He struggles with the ribbon while trying to watch Logan at the same time. Finally, when Logan looks frustrated, he puts all of his focus on the stubborn wrapping and manages to undo it rather quickly. "Aha!" He exclaims proudly.
"It's amazing what you can do when you actually pay attention." Logan says, rolling his eyes.
James laughs at Logan's teasing and starts to pull off the wrapping paper. He lets Kendall take the trash away and then he looks at Logan's gift. "Wow, Logan." It's all he can say at first.
"The trip we made was to your house." Logan admits somewhat sheepishly. "Your mom had the album already. I know that they're yours and I hope you don't mind but I thought that. . . what you told me earlier. . . I thought it might be perfect."
James blinks away tears so he can see better. Logan has given him a simple black photo album but it's not empty. What caught his attention in the first place is the picture. The picture that means everything to him. The last picture taken before everything changed decorates the cover of the book and it's some time before James can bring himself to turn the first page. On the inside cover, Logan's neat handwriting stands out and James pulls the book closer to him so he can read the note by himself.
Dear James,
Happy Birthday, Jay! I can't tell you how much it means to me to be able to celebrate this birthday with you. You're one of my three best friends and like Kendall and Carlos, your birth is definitely something to celebrate. I hope you know that, bro.
I'm sorry I wasn't there last year when you needed me. I'm sorry you were in so much pain. I know it wasn't my fault but I'm still sorry. Knowing that you suffered so much to the point where you turned to self-harm is the worst, James. Please don't ever do that again. I know you haven't done it in a long time and I'm incredibly proud of you. You're stronger than you think, James. Always remember that. And always remember that you'll always have friends and family who care about you. We love you and we don't want to see you get hurt.
I told Camille this earlier today and I told Carlos too. I'll tell Kendall too, don't worry. James, it's the most obvious thing in the world but the last fifteen months in my life have been the most terrifying, most painful months in my life. Everything. But the worst part was going for so long without being with you guys. I missed you so much every day that I thought I might die just from that. When you know someone for as long as we've known each other, it's like you become literally attached. I'm sure you know what I mean. See James, the only reason I'm alive today is because I wanted to see everyone, including you, again. I wanted to hang out and talk and play hockey and sing with you again. When I felt like I couldn't hang on another day, all I needed to do was think of my best friends and it gave me just enough strength to hold on just a little bit longer. You saved me.
You know something else that means a lot to me? The fact that none of you ever gave up on finding me. That blows my mind that you never lost hope. See? You're strong, James. But even if this miracle didn't happen I know you would have been okay. Because that's how amazing you all are. You have each other and you held tight to each other instead of falling apart. Just the same I'm glad to be back.
James buddy, it's not going to be easy. Both of us know that. If there was some way I could spare you that pain then I would do it in a heartbeat. I don't want you to see me so weak. But you know what I think? I think this whole messy experience is going to bring us all closer to each other. That makes it somewhat better right? Is it worth it? I hope so. What I do know is that whatever happens, you guys are going to stay with me. That means more to me than I could ever put into words, James. The fact, the knowledge, that you're more than willing to go through more pain to help me.
Anyway, the whole point of this note is to say thank you for never giving up on me and always being there for me. I don't know what is going to happen in the year ahead but I do know that I'm going to be with you again and that makes all the bad stuff go away. Thank you, James. If there's anyway I can ever return the favor let me know okay?
You're one of the three best brothers and friends in the entire world, James. I love you.
-Your little brother, Logie.
James lowers the book and pulls Logan close to him, letting his tears fall.
"Do you like it?" Logan's voice is muffled against his shirt. "You don't mind me using your pictures right? Especially that one." He points to the front cover. "Carlos said that's your favorite and I thought it was kind of perfect. Do you like it?"
"Logan, I love it." James says in a trembling whisper. "It's the second best present I've ever gotten. Getting you back is the first obviously." He smiles. "But Logan, this is perfect. Thank you." He cracks open the cover again and runs his fingers over the note in the beginning. "Perfect." He repeats.
"I'm glad." Logan says softly. "Carlos helped me."
"Only a little." Carlos shakes his head. "You know me. I'm too disorganized."
"So that's what you two have been up to." Kendall grins. "Well you spent your time well."
Logan perks up at his words. "That's not all." He says. "I have a present for you too, Kendall."
"Logan-"
"Yes you do need a present." Logan interrupts. "Come one, Kendall."
Before Kendall can reply he catches Carlos' stare. The younger boy gives him a sort of glare and then nods fiercely and Kendall catches his meaning. Logan needs this more than you do. This isn't about you, it's about Logan. "Okay then." He says, earning a smile from Carlos. "Where are we going?" He asks the question because both Logan and Carlos have stood up by now.
"Surprise." Logan replies. "Let's go."
Kendall glances back to see James place his photo album down on Logan's desk in an almost reverent manner and then the two older boys follow Logan and Carlos. "Logan? Carlos?" Kendall asks as they lead him outside and to the car.
"Get in." Logan climb in the back, keeping the door open for Kendall. "Carlos is driving."
"But where?" Kendall protests as he obeys Logan. Logan hasn't been anywhere in public that he hasn't needed to be.
"Kendall!" Carlos gives him another glare. "Just be quiet okay? You'll see in fifteen minutes."
And Kendall does see in fifteen minutes. "The rink?" His eyes are open wide as he turns to look at Logan. "Are you sure?"
Logan looks around the empty parking lot with a frown. "I hope they're not closed." He says, too distracted to answer Kendall. "It looks like no one is here."
"Well, let's go see!" Carlos says optimistically. He hops out of the driver's side and when Kendall gets out he pulls him aside, shooting James a look that screams Distract Logan. "He wanted to give you this. He wants to skate with all of us again. But don't worry. When he was looking at James' pictures with Mrs. Diamond I called the rink and asked them to give it to us for a couple of hours. Try not to worry right now, Kendall. Logan really wanted to do this for you. He's already upset that he "couldn't do more" as he says."
Kendall studies Logan who seems to be telling James the purpose of speed bumps and nods. "Okay. But watch him carefully. Sorry." He adds the last bit when Carlos gives him a glare and a small shove. "You did great with him today, Carlos."
"So," Logan walks up to them with James in tow. "What should we do?"
"There's one car here!" Carlos points out the old Ford near the back. "Whoever is here works here. I guess we have the whole rink to ourselves. Cool!"
Logan's face brightens considerably at the thought and the four boys walk into the quiet building. "We are the only ones here." He breathes.
There is one worker there, an older man who is probably in his sixties. When Carlos lets it "accidentally" slip that they're there for Kendall's birthday, the man lets them rent skates for free and doesn't even charge them to skate. "Happy birthday." He says with a smile.
"Come on." Logan grabs Kendall's wrist and wobbles on his skates out onto the ice. James and Carlos are right behind them. "It's been a while." He slips on the unfamiliar surface but Kendall steadies him. "Sorry."
"Don't worry about it, Logan." Kendall says with a light laugh. "This means so much to me." He can't help but notice with some regret that Logan is holding onto both of his hands. It reminds him of how weak Logan still is and how he still tires easily. Kendall skates backwards, holding tightly to his friend, thinking of how he learned to skate with his father the same exact way.
"You like it then?" Logan asks hopefully. "I feel bad because I didn't spend any money on you or James."
"Money." Kendall scoffs. "Money isn't everything, Logan. You know that."
Logan nods. "I do. But-"
"But nothing. "Like James said earlier, this is the second best present I've ever gotten. Money can't buy happiness, Logan, but I'm happy because I'm with my three best friends."
"Okay." Logan looks up at him. "Happy birthday, Kendall."
Kendall laughs as James and Carlos stop by them and Carlos insists that they all join hands.
"We used to to do this all the time when we were little, remember?" The younger boy says eagerly as Kendall and James take the ends while he and Logan are in the middle.
Kendall grins as James and Carlos joke with each other about the pranks they used to pull when they were little. But out of the corner of his eye, he keeps a constant watch on Logan. He seems to be doing okay, distracted from missing Camille. But Logan just wants one more thing for his birthday because he can't remember the last time it happened.
He wants Logan to laugh.
James lays in the dark of Logan's room. He shifts slightly underneath his sleeping bag, trying not to make any noise. Kendall and Carlos are fast asleep after the busy day but he's not sure about Logan. As soon as the thought crosses his mind, James hears a sound and freezes.
Logan is crying softly in his sleep. He's whispering words that James can't make out but he sounds like he's begging someone to stop doing something.
In a flash, James rises to his knees beside the bed and touches Logan gently on the shoulder. "Logan, wake up, buddy." His eyes are adjusted to the dark because he's never gone to sleep and he sighs in relief when Logan's eyes flutter open right away. "Logie, it's me. James. You're okay."
"James?" Logan breaths in a tiny voice.
James swallows and nods hard. "Yeah. You're in your room. I'm here. Kendall and Carlos are too." He stands up and then lays down on the bed, gathering a shaking Logan in his arms. "You're okay, Logan. I've got you." When Logan doesn't answer, James shifts his position. "Kendall!" He calls quietly.
Kendall is awake right away. "What's the matter? Logan?"
"I've got him." James says before Kendall can go into full panic mode. "I've got him right here. He had another nightmare. Go turn the light on." He hears Kendall get up and then lays a hand over Logan's eyes, shielding him from the bright light that floods the room.
"Logan?" Carlos is awake now. He sits up and nearly trips Kendall as the older boy tries to return to James and Logan.
"M'here." Logan replies faintly. "Sorry."
"It's okay, Logan. I was awake anyway." James tells him honestly.
Logan doesn't move from where he's pressed tightly against James but he continues to talk. "I woke up Kendall and Carlos then. Again. I'm sorry. You're all probably exhausted."
The mattress dips as Kendall and Carlos crawl over James and Logan and sit up on the bed with their backs resting against the wall. "You're worth it, Logan." Carlos says sleepily.
"See? We're all here." James rubs Logan's back, relaxing when he feels Logan relax. Are you going to be okay?"
Logan looks up at James. He has his friends surrounding him once again and he feels mostly safe. But he shrugs. "I don't know if I can go back to sleep right now." He admits.
"That's fine." James lets go of Logan with one hand and reaches over to Logan's desk. He finds the object and pulls it over to him, sitting up as he does so. "Let's look at these pictures."
"Pictures!" Carlos exclaims as he and Kendall both lean in closer for a better look.
It's the perfect distraction. It's past 3:00 in the morning but since Logan can't sleep, James and Carlos and Kendall aren't going to sleep either. They take their time looking at every picture, recalling the memories that come to them even in their half-awake states. They're only halfway through when Logan falls asleep with his head on James' chest. Kendall and Carlos nod off at almost exactly the same time and somehow manage to both lay down in what little bed space is left to them.
James smiles when he sees his friends all asleep. He flips back to the beginning of the photo album and reads Logan's note again. He reads it so many times that he loses count. But he reads it over and over again, committing it to memory so he doesn't forget.
Then again, he doesn't really need pictures and words to help him remember his friends. They're right there in the same room with him and right now James can't imagine forgetting anything about them. Still, it can't hurt. So he reads the note several more times until his eyes grow heavy with sleep and he sets the book aside. He rests his head on top of Logan's and closes his eyes.
Tomorrow is a brand new day. They have no idea what's coming but they'll face it and get through it. Together.
A/N. I'm tired. I wrote a little bit of C10 because I have everything else written but I need sleep. We're talking horrible insomnia ever since 2011 started. Anyway, we'll see if I have any luck tonight. Review?