Chapter 6

Rhinoceroses and explanations

"What?" yelled Arthur. "Are you mad?" But it was too late. Zaphod had given Marvin another kick, and the unfortunate robot bounced away from them, landing at the feet of the armoured figure. Now it was close enough to be seen properly, it rather resembled a giant rhinoceros. A giant green rhinoceros that stood upright on its hind legs and carried a rifle. It looked down confusedly when Marvin hit its leg, probably because its projecting chest armour prevented it from seeing anything that wasn't directly in line with its horn. Eventually it discovered that by crouching down it could see the small metal object that had bumped into it. "Hello, little robot," it rumbled. "Hello," replied Marvin in a monotone.

"What are you doing here?"

Marvin appeared to consider this. "Take me," he said finally, "to your leader". To everyone's surprise, the rhinoceros promptly stood up and marched off, indicating that Marvin should follow him. Arthur was so relieved that he practically cried.

Trillian glanced round nervously. Their pursuers would be through the doors to the car park at any moment, and there were, as yet, no signs of the miraculous lock-picking breakthrough that Ford had promised a few minutes ago. Trillian had been a little suspicious about this in the first place, considering that the gigantic orange spaceship didn't even appear to have a lock, but now she was frantic. "Ford!" she hissed. "What's taking so long?" Ford muttered something unprintable under his breath and turned back to her. "The zarking door won't open," he explained. "It has some kind of vocal locking system."

Trillian sighed, gave the ship a swift kick and screamed, "Just bloody well open up, you miserable excuse for a planet-hopper!" The door opened immediately. Ford blinked, shrugged and followed her inside.

Arthur and Zaphod crept quietly along the corridor after Marvin and the rhinoceros, pausing only for several fierce whispered arguments about who was treading on who's toes the most often. After a while, the rhinoceros arrived at a door. It signalled for Marvin to remain silent before knocking ponderously. The sound rebounded off the walls, echoing down the corridor until Arthur began to think that being dead might not be such a bad alternative. At least it would be quiet.

After an age, the door slid slowly open and a languorous, cultured voice drawled, "You may enter, Judan." The rhinoceros stomped forward, followed by Marvin, Zaphod and Arthur, both of whom were craning their necks to discover who the 'leader' of this mysterious place was. What they saw confounded their expectations entirely. A green-skinned man clothed in an expensive-looking dressing-gown lay on a couch at the far end of the room. He had a monocle in one eye. "Judan," he sighed as the rhinoceros entered, "must you knock like that? I have already explained the correct use of the intercom system three times…" His voice faded away as he caught sight of Marvin, Arthur and Zaphod. "Ah," he said delicately. "Thank you, Judan. You may leave. It would appear that my plans have fulfilled themselves without any further prompting on my part."

"Wonderful," groaned Ford, surveying the control panel. "What kind of idiot writes all the instructions in Venusian?"

"A Venusian?" suggested Trillian brightly. Ford gave her a look indicating that logic was the last thing he needed right now. She ignored it in favour of scrutinising the control panel carefully. "Well," she said, "if you just push this lever here and press the red button and then twist this weird sticky-out thingy, then it should—"

There was a sharp jerk, and Ford and Trillian suddenly found themselves pinned against the opposite wall by an excess of G-force. "… definitely not do that," Trillian finished. Ford flailed wildly, trying to relieve the pressure crushing his lungs. He had just about succeeded when the ship braked sharply, and they were both sent flying back down towards the control panel.

Zaphod attempted to hide behind Arthur as the green-skinned man fixed his gaze on them. Arthur, in his turn, attempted to hide behind Marvin, who merely gave the room in general a look a blank contempt before switching himself off. After a little nervous shuffling, Zaphod suddenly remembered that he had a weapon. He stepped forward, brandishing it. "I am Zaphod Beeblebrox, President of the Galaxy!" he declared, non too confidently. "I demand that you tell us where we are immediately!" The man gave him a mildly pained look. "Very well," he drawled, after a moment's consideration, "I suppose you do deserve an explanation. I am—"

There was a sudden bang, rather like that of a small planet exploding.

"— bloody stupid place to put a teleport switch!" yelled Ford as he and Trillian burst out of nowhere and collapsed on the floor groaning. The green-skinned man raised a disdainful eyebrow. "Well, now that everyone's here," he said, "I trust I may proceed."