The Call to the Light
Chapter 6 complete
"I've been thinking."
Not even an hour later, and Rey's returned to Ben's side.
He realizes that countering her comment with a jab at her ability to think (at all) is an immaturity he cannot succumb to.
"Go on," is all he says, eyes on a datapad.
"I have an idea about what we should do."
She waits until he sighs and looks at her fully.
"There's a lot of…crime out here," she begins.
"No."
The argument she had neatly assembled in her head crumbles at his dismissal. "Hey, I haven't even explained yet!"
"Whatever it is, it's risky and causes attention to ourselves, which we can't allow."
Blinking angrily, Rey steps forward. "Wait – you tell me we're supposed to go to Jakku for Force knows why, you won't even tell me, and I make a suggestion on how to spend the next four weeks and you dismiss it like that? Who died and made you captain?"
The former First Order killer instantly pales, making Rey swallow.
"What did you just say?"
"Look," she begins, "I didn't mean that – "
"Your desire to interfere in all matters of the galaxy will get us both followed and destroyed. The only mission you and I have in this war is to destroy Snoke. That is our single purpose, and nothing else."
"Not to me, you inbred," she retorts. "I plan to do more good than just kill one person."
"Between the two of us, I'm definitely not inbred," he points out with intensity, leaning forward until he blocks the light. "Children born from incest are usually left alone to die, you know."
Her eyes and teeth gleam in false humor. "Funny. You're the one obsessed with your Skywalker bloodline."
He scowls and retreats further into the ship.
"Look, there's a lot we can do out here," she says at his heels. "There's all kinds of organized crime, like drug and spice trafficking, pirating, slavery," she hints knowingly. "I'm not talking about helping criminals, you know – "
"I can imagine the possibilities," he mocks nastily, moving some of the furniture back. "Give presents to poor children, build a school – "
"Earn your redemption?" she hints. "You can't possibly think that, just letting all these bad things happen, is the Jedi way? Sounds a little too much like how the Old Jedi Order did things."
She's goading him into saying yes. Rey needs him to get angry. She won't spend another day in this ship just talking about how to do the greater good, not when there are people who are like her, like Anakin, Luke and Han, who were left out of the shade of the Republic to protect only themselves.
Ben is still. He might actually be thinking about it.
"No. Absolutely not."
Rey's jaw drops. "Why not?"
"It's too dangerous, Rey."
"We won't be recognized out here," she tries to reason. "We could cover our faces – "
"Rey. Let it go," he warns slowly.
"Look- stop! Come on." Pleading now, she reaches out and grabs the fabric on his elbow. She won't actually touch him, especially when he narrows his eyes at her. "I'm tired of waiting and being asked to hide. I need to do something. Finn and Poe always got to fight while I was held back to...deal with you," she says lamely. "Don't you want to do something good? You can't just try to earn your redemption from being my teacher."
His pride seethes at the idea his destiny is tethered to her. He sets down a table, switches a magnetizing switch bluntly, and sternly holds out his hands. "Get us to Jakku first. That's all that matters right now."
Disappointment echoes like a heavy stone in her head. He isn't having it. He's so stubbornly blind to the bigger picture here, out in the farthest civilized corner of the world.
Her hand drops from clutching his shirt.
"I can't wait that long. You know what – ?" she decides suddenly, back straightening at a burden lifted. "You can take the Falcon to Jakku. I'll set off on my own."
Ben seems to deflate and swell at the same time. "With what?" his voice clatters in the room. "Why are you so desperate to become some vigilante? Our destiny lies with Snoke – "
A hideous laughter breaks from her lips. "'Our destiny lies with Snoke.' Fuck him, all right? His sorry arse can wait. You still sound like his errand boy, the way you tie yourself to him."
Ignoring the stifling emotions ready to burst from him, Rey scratches her head. "You owe it to your family."
She's so angry at him that she won't even clarify who, specifically, in his family. She knows, since Luke confided he didn't tell Ben about Anakin's birthplace as a slave on Tatooine. Leia and Han had strictly ordered Luke not to talk about Anakin. To them, especially to Leia, Anakin was always Vader. It's possible Ben had found out as Kylo Ren – but then again, maybe Snoke didn't allow it. Kylo Ren worshipped Vader. Such humble and filthy beginnings could work wither way to the Sith's godly status.
This time Rey retreats to the cockpit, again. Gods and stars, she thinks, slamming in to the pilot's chair. She doesn't think she can take another day of their arguing. He still won't explain to her what's on Jakku. Ever since they boarded the Falcon, it's been a struggle to be polite enough to form some plan. If only Leia, Luke – or even Anakin – were here.
Well. Maybe Anakin could.
"Anakin, Kohn-deesa, mesh-pardu," she groans, willing the image of Ben's grandfather, the bronze-haired young man to appear. But that would be too easy for a Force-ghost.
Ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
Another unbearable hour later, and Rey stands up to stretch. It's late and she's on her way to her room. They've got another eight hours to go before dropping out of hyperspace to refuel at a discrete spaceport.
When she turns around, she sees something – a stylus – float in front of her. Her abilities are quite grounded, so it's not her by accident. The disturbance in the Force zeroes in on her, and she knows it's coming from Ben.
She's careful not to rush to his room, but concern runs a little warm in her chest. The last time she sensed he was hurt was an awful scene – he had stabbed himself in the side, and above was some too-real vision of Kylo Ren.
She undoes the switch to his room, hesitant. He'll kill her for coming in.
Everything, from a datapad to a few cups, even the blanket, floats. As soon as she steps inside, they all begin to shake.
On the floor, Ben's snowy, shirtless back arcs. He lets out a sound so sudden that Rey jumps.
Swallowing, Rey creeps closer, pushing away the floating debris until she kneels at his side
"Ben." She says softly. Her hand hovers nervously over his shoulder. She's had to touch his skin before, but – she doesn't want to.
She has to, though. She settles for a little shake on the shoulder. "Ben, wake up." It feels so wrong to be here. She waits as long as she can before saying again, "Come on, something's wrong."
In another blink the skin and muscles shiver. Ben Solo's flipped around in a defensive position, grabbing at her.
Rey's seized forward, suddenly too, too close to his agitated face. Sweat makes his night-colored hair stick to his forehead and cheeks. His lips are inches away from hers, and his eyes – he looks as if he's seen someone hurt.
When he exhales hurriedly, his breath comes out in nervous fumes, clouding her nose and even her eyes. His fingers flex around her wrist, realizing she's right there.
"Rey."
And that's what does it; the random touch that makes Rey's stupid mind jump to some fiery, desirous instinct. He's so close and wounded by something that he refuses to let her see, and she's here next to him right now; why won't he let her see –
She just wants to help him –
Instead she is blinded by fire, red-hot and punishing, searing anything in its path. Is it Starkiller? His old lightsaber?
And beyond the light, probably more horrifying, are the screams. They are endless, a head-splitting cacophony of raw noise and spoken pleas.
It's torn away in a second. Like she is a hot brand, Ben swiftly lets go and moves away.
"What are you…?" He tries to mask the movement by sitting up properly.
This, alone, is what makes her shy and cower; this unnatural impotence from him that isn't hardened by stubbornness or sternness. "I know. I-I'm sorry. I didn't know – "
"Get out," he prompts without emotion.
Rey does want to get out. She doesn't want to see him like this, shirtless and vulnerable.
"I…what was that?" she finds herself asking instead.
Their argument from an hour ago is forgotten. She leans into the mattress and feels his think scent condensed in the threadbare sheets.
Like a switch, his slackened guard is gone. His barriers snap into place and he sharpens with cold eyes and a hard mouth. "Do you have any idea what you're doing? Throwing yourself at me like some starved child?"
Rey's mouth goes dry, but she doesn't recoil. "I'm not doing anything," she whispers.
All of the things in the room clatter to the floor, making Rey grit her teeth in shock. As if her presence is a burr, Ben gets to his feet and snaps the falling blanket out of the way.
"You need to…I need you out." He stomps away, off the mattress.
"Do you…do you always see that? In your head?" she asks, concerned. No wonder he never shares his own mind in their memory exercises. She had initially dismissed it as a choice based on her sake, so she wouldn't hate him, but now…now, seeing him so pale and lost, so tormented, she thinks for maybe the first time, how hard it is to be him.
"For Force's sake, just go!" he almost bellows, pointing to the door. "I can't have you here!"
The Force crackles madly around him. His hands hover by his head as if it's about to roll off his neck. Rey is utterly perplexed, feeling almost as helpless as her…her friend looks.
Something that's been bothering her returns in the small room. "Why are we going back to Jakku, Ben?" When she speaks his name, it's with the hope that it will pierce the cloud that unsettles him.
"I don't…I don't want to talk about that now," he mutters, lacing his fingers over his head and pulling.
"Why are we going to Jakku, Ben? Just tell me," she implores.
"Why won't you just shut up and leave me alone?" he hisses nastily, teeth gritting like fangs.
Rey is speechless. He's repressing; from all they have worked for on Sher-hatha, sitting next to each other on the beach, coaching her how to hold her breath under water, him holding her after learning that Jess died, their easier conversations…he is struggling like on Starkiller, barely keeping himself upright.
"I have to find them," he tells her, the trace of a whine lacing through so that he is begging. "I have to go back and…I don't know, there are just answers and I HAVE to answer for - !"
He halts in his half-mad explanation. Watching him, Rey remembers the way she found him bleeding in his cell from a self-inflicted wound, and a manifestation from his own consciousness of himself dressed as Kylo Ren. It was so powerful a vision that Rey had to curse it away.
Everybody will want him dead. Rey once did, too. It had taken a lot of convincing from Luke, the only one besides Leia, who could still forgive him immeasurably for all of his crimes against life.
She's horrified to feel herself shaking, her throat tearing like she wants to whimper, too.
"Okay," she says shakily. "Okay. Um. I'm…going to get you some water. Just, take a deep breath, all right? Ben. Ben," she says, keeping her body language harmless, her connection in the Force subdued and tranquil for him to feed on.
"I'll be right back."