Author: Rebecca
Title: Before it's too late.
Rating: Rated M
Pairing: Bella and Edward. No vampires. AU
Disclaimer: See first parts.
AN : Hey guys… here comes the next chapter, but first :
..iluvtwilight2: yeah, it's definitely better, even if in the end, it won't change a thing. As for why Edward is 'living' with Kate, you'll have the answer in a latter chapter… the only thing I can say for now about that is that, whether they are together or not, Edward sees her as more than just a secretary, so he's definitely not thinking in terms of lawsuits or how many problems he could have just by living with his 'secretary'. Thanks for the review!
Flora73: thanks, too, I'm glad you're liking the story so far! Hope you'll like the next chapter as well!
Jctypes: once more you really are very observant! Yes, Kate is definitely some kind of psycho, or at least, she has issues to say the least! As for the rest, yeah, something definitely happened seven months ago that made Bella sure that Edward was having an affair with the psycho secretary, and yes, said psycho 'might' have something to do with that. ;)
Oh, and you were asking about Bella's 'phantom lover' in your last review, well, you'll know who he is in chapter 9 I think it is! Just a little bit more to wait! Thanks once more for the amazing review, I love to hear your thoughts! And it always makes me smile when I see that you almost always catch on the little clues I'm leaving here and there!
LovelyLovelyLovely: you assumption made me laugh so hard, but no, Kate was not on her period on Monday lol that's not what happened! But that was a nice try! ;) Hope you'll like the Bella/Janelle moment, too, then! Thanks for the reply!
Longwhitenights: no worries there, 'for once' Kate did nothing wrong here! As for Edward, he might have a hard time dealing with what he did, or didn't do, very, very soon! And yeah, as far as I'm concerned, he definitely reacted like a man, even if I can't say that Bella's reactions were any better! Thanks as well!
Gabs9: Thanks, hope you like this chapter, too!
Scarletteyedvamp: The big prize goes to you! lol… don't know if anyone caught up on 'that' but you were definitely the only one commenting on it ;) I would probably reveal too much if I answered honestly on that, but I'm just going to say that you're definitely on the right track and that this chapter might (ok, probably will!) give you more clues if it doesn't give you clear answers! Thanks so much for the review!
Well, here you have a new chapter… Enjoy!
Chapter Five
After having spent probably a good hour crying her eyes out into her mother's attentive ear, Bella had had no other choice but to pull herself together if she didn't want to drown completely in her own sorrow.
She had always known that it would hurt her tremendously the day she would have to face reality and let go of Edward finally, but she had still hoped, naively probably, that it would hurt less if she was the one to take the decision and didn't have to hear the words coming out of his mouth. Only now did she realize just how much she had been deluding herself all of this time.
It certainly didn't change a thing or else if it did, she didn't even want to start imagining what she would have felt if it had been the other way around. If now she was barely able to breathe and still feel anything, then the pain would have probably consumed her and killed her on the spot the instant Edward would have spoken the words.
There were simply no words to describe what she was feeling right that instant, but honestly she didn't think it was possible to hurt so much and still be alive. Yet she apparently was the living proof that you could have had your heart ripped out of your chest, felt it stop beating altogether and still be standing nonetheless.
What didn't kill you made you stronger, they said. In that case, she had to be the strongest woman walking the world, because she surely felt dead inside.
After having hung up with her mother, she had tried to motivate herself enough to find some strength inside of her and prepare herself for the day that awaited her. However after a few minutes just struggling to get up from that spot on the floor she had found herself for the last hour, and one look at her tear-streaked face and bloodshot eyes in the mirror once she had managed to pull herself up, had been enough for her to understand that not even a miracle would do anything for her at that point.
Reluctantly, she had made her way back to the phone and almost on autopilot, she had called Harry Clearwater, the principal of the school she worked for and what she could call a good friend, too, to inform him that she had woken up feeling really sick this morning and that she wouldn't be able to make it today. Of course since it had happened only maybe once or twice in the few years she had been working for him, he hadn't really minded and had just made her promise to take good care of her, before asking she made sure to get back at him if she wasn't feeling better by next week, so he would have time to plan something for her students.
She had dutifully promised him anything he wanted of course, but she had perfectly known that it was all a lie and that it would certainly be easier said than done, since there was no miracle cure or medicine for what she was suffering from. But she had done so nonetheless, if only to be able to hang up the fastest possible.
After that, she had spent part of the rest of the morning cleaning, scrubbing, scouring everything she could in the house like a freaking maniac, before she realized herself what she was doing, how she was acting, and she couldn't bolt out of there fast enough.
She had changed quickly then from her leggings and tight top to more conventional clothes -not that Edward had noticed she had been purposely wearing his favorite colors, or even that she had let her hair loose like she knew he liked it anyway- and in no time she was in her car, wandering aimlessly around Los Angeles, before eventually ending at Venice Beach.
She couldn't even tell herself how long she had been walking by the shore, shoes in hands, only enjoying the feel of the water lapping at her toes while a million thoughts ran through her mind, but there was no saying just how much the fresh air of the sea had helped her calm her nerves some down.
There weren't too many people, which wasn't that surprising considering it was a work day and so mostly, there were only tourists or students who were already on break for the weekend and were obviously there to enjoy the sun and maybe a nice swim, but she couldn't say that she wasn't grateful for that fact either. She didn't think she would have borne to feel crowded right at that moment.
It was kind of funny though, to think that of all the places she could have gone to, she had to choose this beach. Yet she guessed that to some extent, it wasn't that surprising, considering what it represented to her. This place held so many special memories, it was probably normal that her subconscious had led her there then.
She clearly remembered all the times she had come here with Edward. How many times they had walked, sometimes for hours on end, just the two of them, hands in hands and without a care in the world. Contented just because they were together.
She remembered when she was pregnant with Janelle and wanting to learn about the sex of their baby. Edward had had an important exam that day and hadn't been able to come to the already planned appointment with her, but since he had known how much she wanted to know herself and doubted she would be able to wait another month, he had told her to go ahead and ask, but on the condition that she let him know as soon as he would get out of school. They had decided to meet here afterwards so, and here was where she had told him that they would be having a baby girl.
Edward had been over the moon with the news and after kissing her senseless, hugging her and telling her just how much he loved her, he had started running all over the beach, shouting at the top of his lungs and to anyone who wanted to hear it, that he was going to be the daddy of the most beautiful girl of the whole universe, and that just before he took a dive into the ocean, clothes, shoes and all on. In the end the sea salt had ruined one of his favorite shirts, but that day nothing could have wiped the smile off his face. Nor hers.
She also remembered like it was yesterday how they had made love once over there, by the cove on a hot night of summer when they were still so young and thought they had a lifetime together ahead of them. They had nearly gotten caught that night, but they had been too much in love and too happy to care. She had been really happy then. But now she didn't even know what being happy meant, or if she would ever feel that way again.
Yeah, she had a lot of good memories here, so it seemed only fitting that when her life finally fell completely apart, she would find herself here, desperately clinging to them, even if ultimately it probably only hurt her more to remember what they had and what she had lost since then.
It seemed hard to believe just how much one's life could change in just a matter of months, but hers had definitely taken a final drastic turn today. Nothing would ever be the same after this day, she was well aware of that. But if she had known this morning that this was where she would find herself, heartbroken and with all her hopes shattered, she would have certainly refused to wake up and found a way instead to remain in the dream world, where she could feel Edward's warmth and protective arms enveloping her.
At least in her dreams Edward was loving, caring and everything was perfect between them. Perfect like it had been before everything started to fall to pieces, or before they started hiding things and lying to each other.
She knew she had done her share of that, too, but knowing she could be partially responsible didn't help to forget or lessen the blow of his betrayal. It was too hard for her to tell herself that this was the end. That she would be alone now, while he would be living the perfect life with his new love.
It was even harder to look back in time and try to cling to her last memory of them together and realize once more that it had been a lie, too, another one of her delusions. That night she had been awoken by his tender caresses, she had really thought it would be a new beginning for them. That that was the sign she had been so desperately waiting for. She had believed that everything would be all right again, that everything could be all right, if they were both willing to work on it. She had wanted that more than anything else in the world. And that night she had started to hope again, hope that their love would be stronger than anything else and that somehow they would find their way back to each other.
She had hoped that together they could heal each other, and for a short moment, while she was in his arms, while he was inside her, he had filled that void she had felt for the last month and she had truly believed they would make it. She had thought that they would not only overcome their problems, but that once he would know, once she would have told him what she had been hiding herself for the last month and what had made her change so much herself, she would finally be able to really let go of the pain and be the wife he needed her to be again. With his help. Just like she would help him in return when he would finally realize himself just how much he had already lost. She would no longer be the only one to grieve for what was not anymore, he would share her loss and together they would surmount it, surmount anything that life threw their way. Surmount what she couldn't alone. Yes, together. Because when they were together, they were invincible. And as long as they loved each other, she believed they could do anything.
But Edward hadn't loved her then. Not emotionally and certainly not physically. He had fucked her, that was all it had been.
His dear Kate wasn't there, maybe they had had a fight or maybe she was having her period or whatever the hell her problem had been, and so he had turned to her instead to satisfy his needs. She had been the rebound choice, second best and so he had fucked her, taking her forcefully like he would have taken any girl for whom he wouldn't have felt a thing.
God, everything had been so much clearer after that, at least once she had known about his mistress, because though Edward could be pretty wild in their lovemaking, even if she hadn't realized it at that precise moment, that day it had been something completely different and she should have really known better.
She hadn't understood his fierceness then or why he had seemed to be angry, and she had honestly quickly dismissed the thought at the moment, thinking that she was just imagining it, but with time she had finally figured out the reasons behind his behavior. She had understood why he seemed to be unable to look at her. Why he hadn't kissed her. Or why he had not been able to tell her he loved her. All those little things that had seemed insignificant on the spur of the moment, but that had made so much sense once she had taken the time to think about them.
She wasn't the one anymore. Plain and simple, that was why. She wasn't who he really wanted either and he was probably disgusted with himself for being so weak and betraying the one he really loved now. The gentleness of his touch, the tenderness of his words, the looks of love were now saved for another woman, and the realization hurt more than anything else could have ever hurt. And had she known that then, she could honestly say that she would have never let him touch her, because she would have preferred not having him at all, not feeling him this close to her again, not hoping so much again, rather than succumbing to him, letting herself feel again and understanding afterwards just how little that night had meant to him, when it had meant the world to her.
Yet once more it was too late to change anything about that, or wish she could have done things differently. She would never be able to go back in time for that and that was why she needed to stop living in the past. What was done, was done and all she could do now was to try to forget about it altogether. Surely easier said than done of course, but it was that or simply going crazy and letting herself fall completely apart, and she really couldn't afford that.
The sudden happy cries of children playfully chasing each other and passing her by, pulled her out of her thoughts and as she finally checked the time, she realized that she had been there for so long already that it was almost time for her to go and get Janelle. It really was hours already, but it had definitely not felt like it.
As she thought about it, she also realized that with all that, she hadn't even eaten, but it wasn't as if she had much of an appetite lately or if she truly believed she would have been able to keep anything in her churning stomach anyway. She rarely did most of the time now, and even if it wasn't very apparent yet, she knew she had already lost some weight, which of course couldn't be good for her either. But what was she supposed to do against that, huh? Even her body seemed to rebel against the situation.
Eventually deciding that if she didn't want to be late or be caught into the traffic, she should better go, she put her shoes on again and made her way back to her car.
Almost as soon as she was in and she started to pull off her parking place, she switched the radio on like she always did. However this time she cursed the second music drifted inside the car and she wished she hadn't, even if she couldn't bring herself to turn it off now.
Wasn't it kind of funny, or ironic in a weird kind of way that every time you were really depressed and didn't think you could take much more, there was always this song on the radio that made you feel even worse if that were possible. That song that seemed to talk to you, to reflect so perfectly your state of mind, almost like the person who had written it knew perfectly what you were going through or what you were feeling. Like maybe they had been there, too, and could share your feelings and your pain. Yet even knowing that someone else could have been where she was now and could understand her, right now it didn't help any. Quite the contrary in fact, because she couldn't help but think, if they needed a song to exorcize their grief, what would she need?
Love was always supposed to be
Something wonderful to me
To watch it grow inside yourself
To feel your heart beside itself
Love.
She would have laughed, if she didn't feel so much like crying first at that moment. If asked later, she would probably say that this was the exact moment when she realized that that word didn't mean a thing for her anymore.
Today Bella Cullen had finally given up on love. She had stopped believing true love could not only exist, but last. Because if what she thought she and Edward had had couldn't survive the years and could be so easily destroyed and cast away, then it couldn't be real. Not when she had given herself to him completely, heart, mind, body and soul and yet in the end it had all been for nothing. It hadn't been enough. Nothing had, no matter how much she had tried or how much she had wished it could.
Sometimes it hurts to love so bad
When you know you've given all you can
Sometimes it hurts to even laugh
You do your best but still it's much too sad
Sometimes the pain is just too much, oh, oh
And it hurts like hell' that's the way it feels
She had learnt the hard way just how much it could hurt to love so unconditionally, so wholeheartedly, moreover when the feeling was not returned. She had felt the pain so deep in her heart some times, she could have sworn she could feel it, hear it being shred to pieces. But it didn't even compare with what she was feeling right now and she really didn't know how she would be able to go on after this.
God, how did you even go back once you had gotten so far? It seemed impossible to her to go back to normal. Not if being, feeling normal meant being without Edward. Living without him. Without his love.
True love' it has no hiding place
It's not something you just put away
It's always there inside of you
Oh' and it shows in everything you do
Sometimes when it was too much, she almost wished she could just forget she had ever loved Edward Cullen, even known him, but god, how was she supposed to do that when he was such a part of her? He owned her heart, her very soul. From as far as she remembered, it had always been him. There hadn't been anyone else for her. No one serious at least. And she just knew that no matter how much time would pass, she would never, ever be able to love any other man the way she had loved him either. Not even after this. Not even knowing he hadn't had any problem doing so himself, or forgetting about all they had shared, all the promises they had made to each other.
Sometimes it hurts to love so bad
When you know you've given it your best
Sometimes it hurts to even laugh
You feel a thousand miles from happiness
Sometimes the pain is just too much, oh, oh, oh,
And it hurts like hell' that's the way it feels
She knew she shouldn't think like that because a lot of good things had come out from loving Edward. Janelle for one. And if only for her she would never regret having loved Edward, but really like hell was still a mild way to say just how much she was hurting, now that she knew she had to let go.
Yet, the fairy tale she had thought she would be living in for the rest of her life had apparently simply come to an end, and she would have to do with that and accept that the only thing that would be left of it, was the beautiful little princess they had made together.
Oh, oh' oh, oh
Here we are' the two of us
So full of love' so little trust
But dying for some tenderness
Ohh' but too afraid to take the step
Trust.
Such a simple notion. So easy to give sometimes. But just as easy to shatter, too.
Maybe if they had trusted each other more, this wouldn't have happened. Maybe if she had told him the truth from the beginning, instead of distancing herself from him because she was too afraid to talk to him, afraid of his reaction, they wouldn't be where they were now. She didn't know exactly when he had started his affair with Kate, but maybe if he had known then, it would have been enough for him to put an end to it and come back to her while it was still time. She guessed she would never have the answer now and it was already too late to undo what had been done then, but sometimes she really wished she had been stronger and acted differently.
Sometimes it hurts to love so bad
When you know what it can put you through
Sometimes it hurts to even laugh
There's nothing funny if it's killing you
Sometimes the pain is just too much
And it hurts like hell' that's the way it feels
I know if there is any chance
For us to find our happiness
We've got to learn to let it go
Ohh' forget all the pain we knew
Now at this point, unless some miracle happened, she didn't think it would ever be possible for them to go back and find again what they had once had, even if there was no saying just how much she hoped they could. And that meant that one way or another, she would have to start learning to live without Edward, no matter how much it hurt to even think about it, because so far that was clearly not what she had been doing.
As crazy as it seemed or clearly was, she had still hoped too much for a better ending to be able to. But now even if it killed her to do so, she didn't have any choice left, not if she wanted to survive.
She couldn't help but wonder though, if one day she would stop feeling the pain every time she would think of him, of them, or if she would just stop feeling so empty inside.
Sometimes it hurts to love so bad
Sometimes it hurts so bad' baby
Sometimes it hurts to even laugh
Sometimes it hurts to even laugh oh'
And it hurts like hell' that's the way
Oh, baby' that's the way it feels
Yeah' yeah' oh' yeah
[It hurts Like Hell© Aretha Franklin.
She parked the car as close to the school as she could, which wasn't an easy task due to the fact that despite all her efforts, she had arrived way after other parents, and almost immediately looked at her reflection in the rearview mirror. Nearly groaning when she saw her tear-streaked face again, she quickly wiped away the remnants of her tears and sighed heavily.
No matter how much she hadn't wanted to break down or how much she hated herself for being so weak, she hadn't been able to stop them from coming, but now she couldn't and wouldn't let anyone else see her this way.
Most of all she didn't want Janelle to see her in such a state, knowing that she would probably worry if she did. It was bad enough that she had seen her cry this morning, even if Bella believed she had somehow managed to keep up appearances, she couldn't let her question her once more though, she thought, and so only once she was completely satisfied with the way she looked, did she exit the car.
She walked along with a few other parents who apparently had had the same problem she had, greeting those she knew and smiling politely at those she didn't, but when they arrived in front of the school and she saw that some of her daughter's classmates were already out, she quickened her pace, not wanting her to think she had forgotten about her or she wasn't already there, waiting for her.
She spotted Janelle almost as soon as she passed the school doors and smiled as best as she could for her sake, but the smile progressively turned into a frown the closer she got.
"Hey… what happened to you, sweetie?" Bella inquired the second Janelle joined her and she squatted down to her level to greet her with a kiss.
Janelle immediately shrugged like it was no big deal, but Bella hadn't missed how she seemed to limp, even if slightly, as she was approaching her and she was determined to know why. And so it was no wonder that only one look from her was enough for Janelle to know her mother wouldn't let it pass, even if she hadn't wanted to talk about it at first.
"Tommy Wilkins pushed me and I fell!" Janelle sighed at last and replied, before lifting her dress a few inches so her mother could see the little band-aid she had on her left knee now after her visit to the school nurse.
"What? What happened? Why did that… why did he push you, Jay?" Bella demanded, barely catching herself before she could insult the child.
She knew it was not an uncommon thing for children to play and get a little carried away, but it wouldn't be the first time she heard about that little boy's reputation, or how he all but terrorized almost all the other kids, and now hearing that he had set about her own daughter instantly made her see red.
" 'Cause I told him he must stop eating so many spinach 'cause that's why he was so fat!" Janelle revealed like it was the most natural or logical thing in the world. And to her it was, only Big Tommy hadn't seemed to share her view, even if she was only trying to help him out.
"Umm… uh, okay… but why would you tell him such a thing, honey?" Bella questioned a little puzzled, but some of her anger deflating as she heard her daughter's answer.
Though it absolutely didn't justify his action in her eyes, if Janelle had told him he was fat, it was little wonder the kid had not appreciated.
" 'Cause daddy said spinach can make me get bigger… and Tommy is really too big so I thought he could know and maybe then he wouldn't get so big no more." Janelle shrugged once more as Bella straightened up and after having taken her hand in hers, they started to make their way to the car.
"Your daddy said that?" Bella inquired, quite surprised by what Janelle was telling her or by the fact that Edward, even involuntarily, had had a part in this, and as she saw her nod her head, she couldn't help but ask her when.
She guessed that it had been today, otherwise Janelle would have probably told Tommy already and this would have happened sooner, but she didn't quite know how she should feel knowing that Edward might have been able to carry casual conversation with his daughter when she had been crying her heart out almost all day and was still barely able to hold it together right now.
She knew it was unfair to think that way, after all she pretended to be alright in front of Janelle, too, if only for her sake, so she shouldn't feel hurt or angry to know that Edward could do so as well, if that was what it was, but there was still a small part of her that thought that if he managed that, it was only because he just didn't care. About what had happened, or about her.
"At lunch." Janelle answered casually, not understanding why it seemed to matter so much to her mother. She had thought she would be more concerned about the fact that she had soiled and slightly torn her dress than by what her daddy had told her or when.
"You saw daddy at lunch today?" Bella continued with her questioning, wondering if Edward had gone to have lunch at his parents', too, and that was when they had had that conversation. But knowing him, it seemed very unlikely, since he spent most of his lunch time in his office, barely eating anything in fact. Unless of course what she had told him this morning had affected him and he had wanted to make up for the time he hadn't spent with Janelle before school.
"Uh-huh… I had to call him because grandma wanted me to eat too much spinach and I didn't want to… but daddy helped me and said it was okay to eat only eight moonfuls and grandma could say nothing then!" Janelle related her story to Bella who, just like Edward had a few hours ago, couldn't help but smile, too, when she heard her say 'moonful'.
"I think you wanted to say mouthful, didn't you?" Bella corrected and almost laughed when she saw Janelle scrunch up her nose before answering.
"That's what I said!" she stated stubbornly, rolling her eyes and looking at her mother like she had lost her mind, or she thought she had some hearing problems.
"Okay… so is that the only reason why Tommy pushed you?" Bella asked, thinking that sometimes her daughter was just too smart for her own good.
"Not really!" Janelle answered vaguely, only succeeding in piquing Bella's interest even more.
"What do you mean by not really, honey?" Bella inquired and as they finally reached the car, she scooped Janelle up into her arms and lowered her to the hood, much like Edward had done in the morning. "Let me take a look!" she then asked as she proceeded to lift up her dress a little and carefully take off the band-aid to check her injury.
As far as she could see, it was nothing bad, the cut she had now was pretty small, but the area around it seemed to have already started to bruise slightly.
"It's 'kay, mommy… it don't hurt no more now!" Janelle was quick to dismiss her mother's concern, even if that wasn't the complete truth, and then she tried to explain what had happened. "Tommy said I was a stupid girl and I have cooties… and I said he was more stupid 'cause he don't even know that daddies don't give mommies the babies… and he got really mad!"
"And how would you know that?" Bella demanded, clearly shocked that her daughter could have said that with such assurance and therefore suddenly more interested by what Janelle had to say than by her knee, or why Tommy had indeed really pushed her.
"I know 'cause daddy said he hasn't given me to you!" she retorted confidently before asking nonetheless. "He hasn't, right?"
"Uh… what exactly did your father tell you, sweetheart?" Bella preferred to answer her with a question of her own, and a good one if you asked her.
She was not sure of what she could tell her anyway, and she couldn't quite believe that Edward could have had 'the' talk with Janelle already, but obviously he had to have said something. Yet whatever that could be, wasn't she a little too young for that? she thought as she tried to imagine what could have prompted that conversation.
"That he hasn't given me to you… but that you made me together 'cause you love 'ch other so, so, so muuuch…" Janelle repeated in substance what her father had told her, only adding gesture to the words and opening her arms as wide as she could to represent her parents' love. Then with a very proud smile and a nod that seemed to say 'and now get this', she added: "… and I'm a blessing!"
"You are, huh?" was all Bella could manage to get out past the huge lump of emotion that clogged her throat the instant she heard Janelle.
It wasn't so much the words she said that affected her so greatly, because there was no denying that when they had conceived her, they had been very much in love, but more the fact that Edward could have admitted it, or the way she was saying it herself, too. Like it was something very special, even still now, even when Bella well knew that that was only in the past.
"That's what daddy called me!" Janelle answered, not departing herself of her smile. "Am I a blessing, mommy?" she asked afterwards nevertheless, as she started playing with a few strands of her mother's hair.
She wasn't sure what being a blessing meant, but considering the way her father had said it, she was pretty sure it was something good. Besides that, she really liked that word so it could only be cool to be a blessing, right?
"Sure you are, sweetie… you're the most beautiful thing that could have happened to me!" Bella whispered emotionally, doing her best to not cry in front of Janelle, which was really not easy at that moment.
She was sure that she wouldn't need much more before she wouldn't be able to hold back her tears any longer. And so she did the only thing she could do. She tried to concentrate on something else than Janelle telling her that Edward had once really loved her.
"Are you sure it doesn't hurt anymore?" she couldn't help but ask as she finally replaced the band-aid on her daughter's knee and saw her slightly wince despite her earlier assurance that it was okay.
"Yeah!" Janelle whispered, making a face nonetheless. "It's gonna be better when daddy kisses the pain away!" she then added so her mother wouldn't worry about her.
"Oh… because I can't do that, huh?" Bella teased, raising an eyebrow in amusement.
It was through times like this that she found herself wondering if she shouldn't feel jealous of Janelle and Edward's closeness, of the extents of Janelle's so obvious affection and love for him, which were clearly and just as much reciprocated, or even just of their so evident complicity, but deep down she knew she was just being ridiculous. Janelle probably loved them both just as much. She was just more open with her feelings for Edward, that was all, or at least she was in front of her. Maybe then on the other hand when she was with Edward, she couldn't help but talk about her, or ask for her, she reasoned.
"Janelle?" Bella called out after a second when she saw her lowering her head instead of answering her. Not that her question really called for an answer, but she hadn't expected her to react that way. And of course her concern only grew when the next second she noticed her biting her bottom lip, the sure evidence of how nervous she had suddenly grown.
"It's not that…" Janelle started hesitantly, before finally admitting the reason why she would rather have her father take care of that. "I just don't want you to be in pain no more."
Her father had explained her once that if he could kiss her booboos away it was because he was stronger, and therefore he could take the pain for her so that she wouldn't have to feel it herself. She also knew that her mother could do that, too, like all mothers could according to what her father had also said, but she didn't want to impose more on her. Not when she knew that she wasn't alright. Her mother didn't need to have another booboo because of her, because even if she couldn't see hers, she knew that to cry so much like she knew she did, she had to have a lot of them already.
Besides, her father had made her promise once that she would only ask her mother to take her pain away if he wasn't there to do so himself. Now even if he wasn't there right now, she knew she would see him soon, and so there was no real reason to break that promise this time. Therefore, though it still hurt a little and her knee felt sore, she would endure the pain until her father would get rid of it for her. And since she was a big girl now, she could even do that without complaining, couldn't she?
"Uh… Janelle?… why… why do think I'm in pain?" Bella stumbled over her words, clearly not having seen this one coming.
Actually that was probably the last thing she expected Janelle to tell her. She had thought it was just a matter of Edward having proclaimed himself the expert in kissing her booboos away, but now she clearly realized that it was more than that. Which tended to prove just how bad she was at masking her feelings in front of her daughter after all.
" 'Cause you cry a lot… and you're a'ways sad!" Janelle provided much to Bella's surprise, and then, before she could even deny the truthfulness of her words, Janelle did something that nearly broke her heart.
Bella felt her cupping her face tenderly and as best as she could with her tiny hands, like she had seen Edward do to her on so numerous times when he wanted to tell Janelle something important, and she gulped when Janelle looked at her seriously and whispered fiercely.
"But you don't have to be sad, mommy, coz I love you… and daddy loves you, too."
"He does?" Bella breathed out achingly, barely able to contain the tears that brimmed her eyes at this point.
She knew that breaking down and crying once more was certainly the last thing she should do, moreover considering what Janelle had told her not a minute ago, but her daughter's innocent words were just too much for her to take. Of course Janelle certainly didn't understand what she was doing or what those few words could mean to her, and she was probably only assuming things or telling her what she believed was still true since in her mind Edward had to love her, but she couldn't not be affected by them for all that, even if she only realized afterwards the ridiculousness of her question. Like Janelle could really answer to that, or could understand why that had been the first thing she could think about or say upon hearing her words.
But obviously she could answer, despite everything Bella thought.
"Yah… very, very much… he loves us both… and we mean everything to him!" Janelle was quick to reassure her, even if she didn't realize that by including herself this time, she only made Bella want to know even more suddenly.
Clearly her 'we mean everything to him ' couldn't be something she had made up alone, or the conclusion she had come to on her own, which could only mean that Edward had told her something. And Bella was determined to know what it was.
"He told you so?" she asked before she could stop herself, or wonder if she really wanted to know. Or even how she would react if she told her no.
But Janelle quickly put a stop to that thought when her nod confirmed that those had apparently been Edward's words.
"When?… I mean… when did he tell you so, Jay?" she went on, needing to know now if it had been recently or a long time ago.
Had Janelle been older, she would have probably wondered what could her parents' problem be, or why they seemed to ask her the same questions and want to know exactly the same things, since even if she didn't know it, Bella had used the exact same words Edward had when they had been almost exactly in the same place in the morning, but since she didn't really understand those adults' things, she gave Bella the answer she wanted without a second thought.
"This morning!" she just told her, which was more than what Edward had received since when he had questioned her, she couldn't remember when her conversation with her mother had taken place.
"Really?… what did he exactly say, honey?… do you remember?" Bella continued carefully, even if she felt bad for pumping information like this from her own daughter, but knowing Edward had talked to her, and that only maybe a few minutes after their fight, she couldn't help herself. Knowing that, even after what had transpired between them, made her feel things she wasn't able to control.
Against her better judgment hope flared in her heart a brief moment, but she all too soon tempered the feeling as the rational part of her brain made her acknowledge the fact that even in the case Edward didn't feel an ounce of love toward her anymore, he would certainly never say so in front of his daughter. Therefore she shouldn't let herself see too much in the fact that he could have said that he loved them both.
In a way, if she let herself look at the situation objectively, she guessed that it wasn't so surprising. Since she was the mother of his only child -for now at least- she would certainly always hold a special place in his heart and mean something to him, no matter what their relationship could become. And he would probably always love her, too, then, but not in the way she wanted, needed him to. Not like a husband loved his wife. Nor a man his supposed soul mate.
"Hmm… that he loves me so, so much, no matter what happens… and I have to never forget that… and that he loves you, too… and that's not a problem… and he's working on it!" she replied, trying to remember as much detail as she could, or at least what she thought had been important, but she mixed things up a little nonetheless.
Bella tried to process what she was hearing, but what Janelle was saying wasn't very clear to her. So okay, apparently Edward had clearly told her that he loved her, but she couldn't even relish the knowledge because she just couldn't understand what she meant by 'it was not a problem'. It was not a problem for what? Or for whom? For him? It didn't make any sense to her.
Yet even if that was clearly confusing, what marked her the most at that moment wasn't so much that, but more the last piece of her sentence.
Words spoken a long time ago came back to her mind almost as soon as she heard it and she cringed inwardly when she was forced to remember them. Last time she had been told Edward was working on anything, it had certainly not been on her, on her feelings or on a way to save their marriage. That was actually the day she had realized how little it really meant to him.
"Mommy?" Janelle pulled her out of her thoughts as she called her, which was certainly a very good thing considering where they were taking her, and Bella looked down to see her staring right back at her, the question evident in her eyes.
"Yes, sweetheart?"
"Would a baby make you more happy?" Janelle asked innocently, not realizing that that was certainly the last thing in the world Bella needed to hear or think about at that moment. Not with how emotionally weak she was feeling already.
Bella sucked in a breath and the next second her heart tightened so painfully in her chest, she thought she would expel her last breath anytime soon, but somehow she still managed to stutter.
"Why… why would you ask me that, Janelle?" her voice cracked as she forced the words out, and she prayed with all her might that Janelle wouldn't notice.
A baby. Thinking about it was bad, but hearing the sweet word tore her heart to pieces.
Dear God, was she being punished for something? Hadn't she suffered enough already? Would she only be able to live through this day? she couldn't help but wonder, the questions rushing through her mind as her nightmare continued.
"I don't know… 'cause daddy says babies make the parents very happy, and I want you to be happy again!"
"Did you talk about this with your father?" Bella blurted the question out and held her breath afterwards as she waited for the answer.
"I told daddy that he could give you another baby to make you happy…" Janelle chewed on her lip and answered hesitantly, her mother's expression making her wonder if she had maybe done something wrong. Daddy hadn't seemed to be very pleased with her suggestion either, so maybe that wasn't something a little girl should ask her parents, even if she couldn't understand what the problem could be.
"And what did he say?" Bella inquired, her voice trembling anew, no matter how hard she tried to be strong. At this point, whatever got out of her daughter's lips could perfectly destroy her, but nothing could have stopped her from asking.
"Uh… I don't really 'member!" Janelle lied, thinking that maybe she shouldn't talk about this anymore. The last thing she had wanted to do was to upset her mother, and yet it seemed that she had done just that.
"Did… did he say he wanted another baby?" Bella insisted, not realizing that Janelle was simply reluctant to reveal more because she feared her reaction.
And she had all the reasons to, even if she didn't know it.
For months Bella had been waiting to hear about that, probably as much as she had waited to hear him say that he wanted them to divorce, yet it had never come. However now, hearing Janelle speaking about what Edward could have told her, she couldn't help but wonder if this was it. What if Edward, after finally having made her ask for that official separation, was already preparing Janelle for what would come?
What if it was even already too late and Kate was already pregnant?
Oh, dear Lord.
Closing her eyes a brief moment, she wished the pain that sliced her heart at the thought to go away, but her prayers went on deaf ears. Even after having tried to prepare herself to this possibility for months, it hurt so much she couldn't breathe. She felt her throat work spasmodically and her lungs suddenly burned with the imposed lack of air.
God, she would just die if Kate Denali took from her the only thing that she hadn't managed to take, yet. Yes, she would just collapse and die, if she was deprived, too, of the last thing that until now made her still be somehow different, special in Edward's eyes.
What would she have left if Kate was able to give Edward that, too?
Nothing.
No, nothing but her eyes to cry.
"No… only that I made him very happy when I was born… and you, too!" Janelle replied, knowing instinctively that it would be okay to admit that. After all it was only the truth, she already knew that, so it couldn't hurt.
Even in her state, for a split second Bella believed that Janelle was telling her that she made Edward happy, but reason took over once more and as she tried to really concentrate on what she was saying and not what she wanted to hear, she realized that she had meant that Janelle made her happy, too.
God, her brain was surely screwed and big time if she could still manage to think that she could have made Edward really happy. If he had been, he wouldn't have turned to anyone else. He wouldn't have destroyed their love for the love of another woman.
How stupid could she really be?
"You did, sweetie!" Bella tried to pull herself together and after an immense effort, she managed to smile down at her daughter.
And as Janelle smiled back at her, she realized that Kate Denali had already destroyed almost everything in her life so far, everything that was really important to her, but she would never be able to take this from her, no matter how hard she could try.
Janelle was her and Edward's daughter, the living proof of how pure their love had once been, his first born, and no one would ever be able to replace her in his heart, even if he could forget he had loved her, her mother.
Most importantly Janelle would always be with her, would always love her, and she would be what would keep her alive and going, no matter what ordeal or tragedy she would have to face.
As she looked up to her mother and felt her caressing her cheeks affectionately, Janelle intuitively sensed that she was not far from crying again, even if she didn't really understand why that was, and so she decided to change the subject, hoping that if she talked about something else than babies, her mother would be alright.
The only problem was that the only thing that came to her mind at that moment was talking about one of her favorite subjects instead, and of course that didn't help Bella feel any better. But Janelle had no way to know that.
"Will daddy stay home tomorrow mo'ning?… 'cause I want to watch the cartoons with him!" she asked hopefully, thinking that it was way too long since they had enjoyed their Saturdays morning ritual together.
"I-I don't know if he will be able to stay, honey, but if he doesn't have to work, I'm sure he will watch them with you." Bella stated, even though she knew that what she was saying was another one of the many lies she had already told Janelle.
Edward had only stayed the night on Fridays a very few times in the beginning, in the guestroom, and only for Janelle's sake, even if she didn't know where he was sleeping. It had actually been his idea, to make sure Janelle didn't realize what was happening between them, but after a while he had just stopped asking her if he could stay and she had assumed that the situation wasn't to his liking anymore, or most likely not to Kate's.
Now most of the times, when Janelle asked for him in the mornings she didn't have to go to school, she was told that he had to leave early but would be back later, and she was none the wiser about whether he had spent the night or not.
"Good… but there's no more cookies, mommy… and no more Cocoa Beebles … and daddy don't like my Cocoa Puffs!" she reminded her mother worriedly, thinking that if her father couldn't have his favorite cereal maybe he would leave sooner and she wouldn't be able to have her breakfast with him, or simply see him.
"I know… so what about we stop by the supermarket before going home and we take care of that, huh?" Bella suggested as at the same time she lowered Janelle to the ground.
"Yes… and can we buy skittles, too?… there's no more skittles at home, mommy!" she asked since she had eaten the last the day before.
"Sure, sweetie!" Bella of course accepted, knowing how Janelle loved that stuff, and after having tenderly tousled her hair, she opened the door for her.
As she helped her daughter hopping in the car and she saw her beam at what she was sure was the thought of seeing her father and so unaware of the turmoil that ragged inside of her at the same time, Bella swore that she wouldn't let herself think about Kate, about her relationship with Edward or about the possibility that the two of them could conceive a child together any longer.
It wouldn't do her any good to torture herself with those thoughts. Besides, whether it were already too late or not, there was nothing she could do to stop the course of things. She had unfortunately lost the opportunity a long time ago.
Not an hour later, they were exiting the supermarket when Janelle gave Bella the scare of her life.
Usually she was very careful every time they were outside and she always managed to hold one of Janelle's hands to cross the roads or any passage used by cars, but this time since she hadn't thought she was going to buy so much, she hadn't bothered with a cart. Consequently it was with her hands full with the two paper bags containing their shopping that she crossed the parking lot, while Janelle walked by her side or a step ahead, clutching to her chest the box of Cocoa Peebles for her father, the only thing she had wanted to carry.
They were almost near the car when Janelle unexpectedly started to skip along as she hummed one of her favorite songs. A second later she twirled around happily, already thinking about what cartoons she would see with her father in the morning this time, and oblivious to her surroundings, she missed the car that was too rapidly coming her way, giving Bella barely time to react before it was too late.
Letting go of her bags, she yelled her daughter's name and gripped her by the shoulders before she could take another step and be run over by the speeding car. Unfortunately, in doing so, she lost her balance herself and they both stumbled backwards, knocking down the young woman who was passing behind them, as she had just parked her own car and intended to join the entrance of the supermarket herself. However, at that moment Bella didn't even notice her, since she was definitely more concerned then about her daughter's state to see or care about anything or anyone else.
"Oh, god, Janelle… you okay?… are you okay, honey?" Bella pulled her up and asked, her voice quavering and her heart still beating erratically after the fright she had had.
Frantically she ran her hands all over her child's body just to be sure she wasn't hurt, even if deep down she knew she was alright, and she couldn't help but expel a relieved sigh when she didn't notice any kind of injuries.
"God, sweetie… how many times have we told you to look both ways before crossing a road… or stepping into traffic… or god… anywhere… and even when it seems like there is no car?" Bella then scolded her reflexively before she could stop herself, even though her voice didn't really hold any anger.
She just wanted to make sure that Janelle realized that this could have been avoided if she had done what she and Edward had always taught her. She was supposed to do so, even when they were holding her hand and if she had checked this time, she would have probably seen the car arriving and Bella wouldn't have felt like she was going to die right on the spot herself.
"I… I-I'm sorry, mommy!" Janelle whispered, certainly not understanding all the implications of what could have happened to her, but aware nonetheless that she had done something she shouldn't have. Her mother only used that tone when she was upset or when she wasn't very pleased with her, which was never a good thing for her. "I'm sorry." she repeated, her bottom lip trembling and very near to tears now.
"No… no, don't cry… shhh, it's okay, sweetie… it's okay… you just scared me!" Bella soothed immediately and smoothed her hair back tenderly before taking her in her arms. The last thing she wanted was to see Janelle break down and cry right now, knowing full well that she would just follow suit if she did.
Hugging her tightly, she couldn't help but wonder though what she would have done if anything had happened to her baby. She had already lost so much, she didn't think she would survive if she had to lose her, too. "Don't you ever do this again, okay?" she all but pleaded then when Janelle wrapped her arms around her neck and hugged her just as tight.
"Is she alright?" the woman Bella had collided into and whom she had almost already forgotten about spoke suddenly, breaking the tender moment and bringing Bella back to Earth.
"Oh, yeah… I-I'm sorry… yeah, she's fine!" Bella replied and for the first time really looked at the other woman.
She was staring back at her and at Janelle with a sincere expression of concern, while she pulled on her dog leash and tried to calm it down, and Bella couldn't help but feel bad.
"Did I hurt you?… Are you alright?" she inquired, feeling a little ashamed that she hadn't even paid more attention to the woman who had cushioned their fall. She really hoped that she wasn't hurt, but as far as she could tell she seemed to be alright, too.
"Yeah, I'm fine… you don't have to worry!" she dismissed quickly with a wave of her hand, before turning to Janelle. "Hey, sweetie… you can stroke him if you want… he won't bite!" she told her gently as she saw her looking at her one year old Labrador and thought that the beautiful little girl could probably use the distraction. After all it had been a real close call and if her mother hadn't had such quick reflexes, she didn't even want to think about what could have happened. She could only imagine then how frightened both of them could have been and how much they would want to forget about it.
Unfortunately the instant Janelle stepped forward and reached out to touch him, the dog yapped and she couldn't help but go and hide behind her mother's legs, apparently more scared by the dog than she had had time to be because of the car.
"Hey, it's okay, Jay… look!" Bella tried to reassure her daughter who suddenly was clinging to her like her life depended on it, and she squatted down to pat the puppy herself when he stopped barking.
He seemed to appreciate the stroke and lay down, putting his head between his front paws as Bella continued her ministrations, soon but hesitantly joined by Janelle who seemed to realize that now it was safe.
Bella smiled as she saw Janelle overcoming her apprehension and finally stroking the dog's fur and talk to the animal like he could understand her, but her next question caught her off guard and all too quickly put a damper to her happy feelings.
"Can I have one, mommy?… Can I have a puppy, too?" Janelle suddenly demanded, almost already sure of the answer but feeling she needed to ask nonetheless.
After all you never knew, her mother could be in a good day and accept. Or maybe she should ask her daddy directly in fact if she really wanted one, it seemed to be harder for him to tell her no.
Yeah, she almost instantly thought, if her mother said no, she would just ask her father later. It would probably be easier and she would have more chances to have what she wanted.
"Oh… uh… no, Janelle… you're too young yet, sweetie… maybe in a few years!" Bella immediately denied her request, knowing that Janelle would never be able to take care of a puppy on her own right now, and she really didn't feel like being the one to have to do the job for her.
Much to her surprise, Janelle didn't put up a fuss like she expected her to, but Bella knew all too well that there were things that could be much worse than that and so she quickly adverted her gaze from her daughter nonetheless, sure that if she saw her pout or turn up her all too famous sad and begging eyes to her, she would probably cave in the second and go and find her a pup.
However if she had known just why Janelle wasn't protesting, she would have probably forgotten everything about pleasing her in any way and asked herself a lot of questions about her daughter's already manipulative nature instead.
Looking anywhere she could but at her, that was when Bella really noticed the mess she had made when she had let go of the bags. Most of the food she had bought had spilled out of them and was now scattered around them on the ground, along with most of the contents of her handbag and the other woman's one and Bella couldn't help but groan at the sight.
"Oh, god… I'm so sorry about this!" Bella apologized once more as she saw her already picking up her things.
"No, it's okay… no harm done!" she smiled up at Bella as she grabbed for her compact and her lipstick that had rolled to Bella's feet.
Following her example, Bella started gathering what she could save of the food. Fortunately most of it seemed to be okay as far as she could see and she hadn't even broken the two glass bottles she had, but she quickly realized that there was nothing to do with Janelle's favorite yogurts, if the way they were leaking out of the cartons was any indication. They were absolutely ruined and she really didn't feel like going back inside to get others.
Luckily though, Janelle didn't seem to mind since all that really seemed to concern her was to know if they could keep Edward's cereals, even if the box had been slightly damaged when she had dropped it.
Once Bella confirmed that as long as it wasn't opened, it wouldn't be a problem, Janelle seemed more inclined to help them, too, and so between the three of them, it didn't take long to collect everything.
Bella and Janelle lingered there a little longer though, since once she had really gotten past her fear, Janelle didn't want to leave the dog and Bella was all too eager to indulge her, if it assured her that she wouldn't ask for a puppy of her own again once they would be alone.
Generally Janelle was the kind to ask for something badly and then quickly get tired of it once she had had it, so she really hoped that if she let her play with this dog for a little while, it would be enough to content her for now.
However when she noticed the other woman looking at her watch, she realized that they were most certainly keeping her from her own shopping and probably making her late, and therefore she did her best to convince Janelle that they had to go as well. Not an easy task of course and it took her some time to manage that, but she was just too glad that her moment with the puppy had made her almost instantly forget about the incident with the car to care. She just wished it could have been enough for her, too.
When they finally arrived home, Bella was surprised to see her neighbor, Mrs. Petersen, coming to greet her with a bunch of beautiful white roses and tell her that they had been delivered earlier around lunch, but that since she hadn't been there, she had managed to convince the deliverer to let her take them for her.
Another surprise was to notice that there was absolutely no card with the flowers, and so Bella had no clue as to whom had sent them. Mrs. Petersen joked about the fact that they were most likely coming from her dear husband who probably didn't need a card to let her know he was thinking about her. She even asked her if she hadn't forgotten about an anniversary or some special event, but unfortunately, even if she didn't know it, she only succeeded in hurting Bella even more than she already was with her reasoning. In fact Bella almost cringed at the irony of the situation. Next year she would have a special reason to remember this date all right, only it wouldn't be a good memory.
Of course she tried to mask the pain as best as she could and as she told her that she highly doubted they were from Edward, the woman concluded that she had to have a secret admirer who was too shy to reveal his identity. However Bella quickly dismissed that thought, too, wondering afterwards if that scenario wouldn't be even worse than anything else.
She was so not ready to deal with some stalker, or someone who thought that sending flowers anonymously was fun. Personally, if it were someone she barely or didn't even know, she found it kind of creepy, even if Mrs. Petersen herself seemed to think it was kind of cute.
As she put them in a vase and started to put away her shopping, she tried to not think too much about who the mysterious sender could be, but honestly she couldn't help but wonder nonetheless. Despite everything that was happening, a small part of her wanted to believe they could come from Edward, but the logical part of her brain kept telling her that it didn't make any sense.
Though Edward was one of the very few who knew that white roses were her favorite flowers, she couldn't see a reason why he wouldn't have wanted to let her know he was sending them. Besides, considering what had happened the same morning, he was certainly the last person in the world who would want to please her or send her flowers. Unless of course he had been really sorry after their fight and all the horrible things he had told her and that was his way of apologizing. But why not say so then? Why not have a few words written down? The lack of card only seemed to complicate things.
What was she supposed to do now? she couldn't help but wonder as she prepared Janelle her afternoon snack. If they were from Edward, she appreciated the attention of course, how could she not, but how was she supposed to thank him if she didn't even know for sure? How would he react if she suddenly thanked him for something when he didn't know what she was talking about?
More importantly, if he weren't the sender, would he care at all to learn that someone else was sending her her favorite roses? Or would he just be happy for her and pleased that she was apparently moving on, too? That was probably what he would deduce if he knew she was receiving flowers and that on the same day she asked him for a divorce. Maybe he would think that someone else felt like celebrating at the news, which seemed a totally stupid reasoning in her opinion, but she wouldn't put it past Edward to come precisely to that conclusion and imagine the worst, moreover with the opinion he seemed to have of her now.
Now the question was: did she want him to think she was moving on or not? Considering his reaction this morning, she would rather not. It would only complicate even more an already complicated and tense situation. Besides, she wasn't sure how she would react if he insulted her again, or even less if he was simply indifferent this time. Once was hard enough. Twice would probably kill her.
In the end so, she decided to play it safe and that the best attitude to adopt when she would see him then was to act like she had forgotten about the bunch. If he confirmed he had sent it and asked her if she had liked the roses, she would answer honestly, but if he didn't, she wouldn't take any risk and therefore she wouldn't talk or say anything about them either. Knowing Edward, if he had anything to do with it anyway, he would probably downright ask her or at least drop a hint or two to know what she had thought about it, if he saw she wasn't going to be the one to start talking about it.
That seemed easy finally and yet it had taken her nearly twenty minutes to just figure that out. It was little wonder then that Janelle was now calling her name and looking at her like she was wondering if something was wrong with her, when she had spaced out for that long and hadn't even noticed that she had already finished with her peanut butter and jelly sandwich, or that she was apparently waiting expectedly for her to say something.
"What about you and I go and put our swimsuits on and we head to the beach for a while?... Would you like that?" Bella proposed out of the blue when she realized that she would just go crazy if she stayed there, dwelling on the situation or just waiting the rest of the afternoon for Edward to come.
Besides, she really needed to find a way to occupy Janelle until then, otherwise she was sure that the girl would ask every other minute about her father and when he would be arriving, and she didn't think she would be able to stand it. The beach seemed like a good idea then, moreover since being there had helped to soothe her nerves earlier and she was really hoping it would have the same effect on her again this time, too.
"Can we?… Really?" Janelle asked hopefully, already bouncing up and down at the prospect.
They had a pretty big pool in the backyard, though she didn't have the right to go there and swim if there wasn't an adult with her, but the beach was always more fun to her. There she could play with the sand, build castles, sometimes she could even bury her father under tons of it -although she seriously doubted her mother would be as ready and willing to let her do that with her, too, today, even if she asked gently- or she could also play in the water all she wanted if she stayed by the shore and where she could be clearly seen. So if there was a possibility they could go there right now, she didn't even need to be asked twice for her answer.
"If you're up to it… yes!" Bella replied, smiling at her daughter's enthusiasm. However the smile faltered slightly at her next question.
"But we won't miss daddy if we go there, right?" Janelle nibbled on her bottom lip and couldn't help but ask nonetheless as the thought crossed her mind. She really wanted to go, but if that meant that they wouldn't be there when her father would come, she wasn't sure it was a good idea after all.
"No, we won't, sweetie… I promise!" Bella answered honestly, knowing that one way or another they would have to be home by the time Edward was due to arrive. Otherwise she was pretty sure Janelle would throw a fit if she missed only one precious minute with her daddy. "What we could do though is to prepare some sandwiches and take some drinks with us and that way we could eat there just before coming back. Then you'll just have to shower and put your pj's on and I'm sure that by then your father will be here, ready for your movie evening… Would that be okay?" she added, trying to find a way to really reassure her.
It was the best she could think of to be sure they could really enjoy some time at the beach without having to rush back here, make her eat and prepare her for the time she would have to go to bed. It would have probably been kind of late for her by the time they started the movie if they planned to let her see it entirely, but knowing her daughter, she was pretty sure that Janelle would be asleep before the end of it anyway, so she didn't have to worry about it. What worried her more actually was to know that after that, she would find herself alone with Edward and that she wouldn't be able to postpone the discussion she knew was coming any longer.
"Yes… thank you… thank you!" Janelle beamed excitedly and immediately wrapped her little arms around her mother's waist to hug her tightly, before running up the stairs to go and search for a swimsuit.
While Janelle was up changing herself, Bella prepared a basket full of food for the two of them, and soon after she was joining her. Once she was dressed, she then helped Janelle searching for her beach toys and when she was sure they had not forgotten anything, they were out of the door and in the car once more, ready for their girls' afternoon.
Bella could only hope that Janelle would enjoy herself and that seeing her daughter happy would be enough to take her mind out of her problems. It usually worked quite fine, but with her impending meeting with Edward looming just over her head and all that it could imply or change in her life, she wasn't sure this time. It seemed very unlikely she would be able to think about anything else in fact.
She knew all too well that her future depended on that next encounter and though she didn't know anymore what she should or could expect of it, she just hoped that whatever they did, whatever they decided, everything would be alright and that they would be able to discuss things like the two adults they were supposed to be and not hurt each other more than it was necessary, or more than they already had.
But unfortunately and though she didn't know it yet, once more Fate seemed to have other plans for all of them.
TBC…