A/N: It's an update! This chapter is a big one. I couldn't for the life of my figure out a good place to split it, so I was just sort of like WHATEVER and put it all up in one. There are some diary bits (not of the Zuko variety), and every paragraph is supposed to be a different entry (I debated for a long time about the diary bits, but I like them and figured hey why not, everyone loves diary bits).
So here's another chapter of good times!
Zuko jerked back a bit as he raised his eyes to the room, as the sudden emotional onslaught startled him a little bit. He hadn't been in this room for several years (his visit with his sister and...her friends didn't count, he'd fallen asleep outside completely intentionally), and he wasn't expecting it to be so...unchanged. The same sheets were on the bed, the same stupid curtains drawn to a tight close to block any and all light from entering. Even the little scorch mark on the floor remained, from the day Zuko hid one of Azula's toys and she'd attacked him.
That was back before she went crazy.
He sat down on the bed, fully expecting someone to knock on his door and poke their head in and talk to him about his feelings, because that's all anyone ever did, but it didn't happen. A little relieved and a little confused, Zuko sprawled out and stared blankly at the ceiling. He decided that thinking about Azula, his father, his mother, his uncle, or really his whole family in general would be too depressing, so he just zoned out and watched a bug crawl across the tiles above him.
It took about an hour and a half for the bug to make it from one tile to the other, and at that point, Zuko decided he was bored and wanted to do something else. He was getting sort of hungry, and he wanted to poke around the kitchen to see if there was anything left from the last time he'd come, but that would mean leaving the room and spirits knew he couldn't do that. He had stormed away too dramatically to go shuffling downstairs; he was resigned to his fate of room solitude, and stubborn as he was, he wasn't about to breach that.
He would sit in here and wait for someone to come talk to him about his feelings or he would die waiting.
Yet an hour later, Zuko found himself pacing around, his hands fisted in his hair. Seriously what is with these people what are they doing don't they want to know what's wrong with me today they are usually so much more nosy than this.
It was a deep matter of concern. He almost wanted to fling his door open and slam it shut again for emphasis, but not only was it too late for that, it sounded a little too much like a "PAY ATTENTION TO ME" gesture, and he generally avoided those at all costs.
He opened his closet for no reason other than he was bored, and saw that all his clothes were gone. Instead, was a note scratched in the wood, needed more things to burn, took your stuff, hahaha- Azula.
You're a firebender, you don't need things to burn, he wanted to yell at the scratching, but he settled for slamming the closet doors shut.
Zuko looked expectantly at the door, as if the slamming of the closet doors would have magically attracted a nosy friend or at least Katara. She would come in, give him that tremulous look she was so fond of giving, throw her arms around him, and say I'm sorry Zuko, I never meant it, I like you a lot and also I love your hair and you're really bad ass and she'd kiss him enthusiastically, at which point he could return gloriously downstairs and eat something.
But that didn't happen either, so he continued to pace and think about watching that bug again.
Familiar words echoed in his head. You know, Prince Zuko, love is a funny thing. It can build a man, or it can destroy a man. But what you must never forget is that above all things, love can never cause more problems than what it is worth.
He would know what to do.
Sighing, Zuko flopped down on his bed and raked a hand through his hair. Of course Uncle would know, if he were here. But he's not, Zuko thought bitterly, physically recoiling as the familiar regrets hit him. I tried. I tried to break him out myself. It's not my fault he was already...
But Zuko stopped, because he knew that he really did blame himself. Somewhere, deep inside he knew that wasn't fair to himself, but for the moment he was so caught up in the guilt, all he could do was flop over onto his bed and try to keep himself from drowning in it.
When the door finally did open, Zuko had fallen asleep. He was half on the bed and half on the floor, one arm draped uselessly over the mattress, the rest of his body dangling over the edge.
"Hey, Hotpants," Toph yelled loudly, and Zuko woke with a start. What of him was on the bed toppled off, and he fell with a resounding crash.
"What?" he asked, trying to sound disappointed that his brief hermiting session had been interrupted, but really he was relieved. He ran a hand through his hair and picked himself up.
"I've been trying to find the firewhiskey for ages, but I can't. What gives?"
"I...what? Toph, you're twelve, you can't have firewhiskey."
"I know that," she said a little belligerently, crossing her arms. "It was a test." she turned around and made to shut the door, but Zuko yelled wait and she turned back around, smirking.
"Got bored, did ya?" she asked in an annoyingly smug tone. Zuko made a face at her. Toph didn't notice. "Yeah, Katara made a stink about you being stompy, is that what you wanted to know? She moaned for four and a half hours about how annoying and frustrating and confusing you are, and how she wishes you'd just tell everyone what's going inside your, and this is a direct quote, 'stupid angsty brain.'"
"What is her deal?" Zuko half said, half groaned in frustration. "One second she's telling me how strong I am, how she wants to help me, and the next she thinks I'm the most annoying person she's ever met in her entire life! It literally makes no sense, and I swear to Agni I will stay up here until I die if that's what it takes."
"Yeah, I think that's the annoying behavior Katara was talking about."
Zuko frowned and pretended that comment didn't bother him. "What else is happening down there?"
"Well, Sokka and Suki vanished for what I know is 'private couple time,' Aang is all over Katara and it's super annoying, and I've been wearing shoes so I don't have to feel any of it." She shivered, and made a hesitant face. "Can I sit up here and mope with you?"
Surprised, Zuko turned his head to look at her. It was rare for Toph to let her guard down in front of anyone, he had only really seen her do it in front of Katara (he had been spying all of these times). But her head was bowed down and her feet were scratching at the ground, so Zuko nodded.
Toph didn't say anything.
Why do I keep forgetting she's blind. "Yeah, there's...plenty of mopeing space for everyone." Toph gave him another little smile and crossed the room to hop up onto his bed. Zuko sat next to her. "What's your deal?"
"It's just that everyone around here seems to care more about who gets to kiss who rather than who wins the war. It's really annoying." She stopped, even though there was something else hanging off the end of her sentence. Zuko understood, even though it surprised him.
"You feel left out," he said matter of factly. Toph's fist crumpled the bedsheets.
"I don't want to!" she said loudly. "I don't want to care! It's just that between you and Aang fighting over Katara and with Sokka and Suki always clawing at each other when they think I can't feel them...it just gets to you after a while."
"If you want to switch, I'm all for it. I'd rather deal with that than watch Aang waltz away with Katara, leaving nothing for me to do or say about it."
"Do you know anything about girls?" Toph asked. Knowing the answer, she continued. "The more annoying and frustrating and stupid they think you are, the more they like you." She blew a piece of hair out of her face. "I didn't want to tell you this before, because I knew you'd blow it all out proportion like you do everything, but every time you get within fifteen feet of her, her heartbeat goes crazy. It's also really annoying." she paused. "That never happens around me."
Zuko did the appropriate thing and reacted to the second part of that sentence, even though it was the first part that interested him far more.
"Can I tell you something?" he asked, and she nodded, so he continued. "When I was thirteen, I didn't care about girls. They seemed so insignificant compared to what lay ahead of me, so I just didn't bother. Then my...accident happened, and it suddenly seemed like that whole world dropped away before I realized it was there. I was convinced that no girl would ever be able to look at me without seeing just the scar. And it took me a while, but I realized that wasn't the case. So I guess what I'm saying...is that...people like you, even if you don't think they should."
"It's not even that I want to date any of these dweebs," Toph said, "I just like to be adored, you know?"
Zuko actually laughed and tousled her hair. It was a weird gesture he wasn't used to, and he started to wonder why, when he realized this is what having a little sister is supposed to be like.
"I'll give you one hundred gold pieces if you date Aang long enough to get him away from Katara," he joked, but Toph turned around quickly and said REALLY and he had to shake his head quickly and say it was a joke it was a joke over and over again before she started formulating plans.
They sat quietly for a few minutes, a comfortable silence that was rare to Zuko. That was, until Toph turned towards him and asked "how big is it? Is it gross? Is it cool?"
He realized she was talking about his scar, and leaned back as she reached to poke it. "What? It's...it's a scar Toph, it's just..."
"I have no idea what that looks like!" she insisted. "Can I touch it?"
"No!" he leaned back further. "It's just over my left eye, it's not a big deal. It's probably a little over a quarter of my face."
"Is it cool?" she asked again. Zuko let out a resigned sigh.
"If you want to be the first person to think so, then yeah, it's awesome. A real conversation starter."
"I think it's cool," she said, and it sounded sincere, which made Zuko cheer up a bit. He couldn't tell if he'd cheered her up at all, so he asked her, and she gave him a light punch on the arm and told him he was a huge dork. Taking that as a yes, Zuko chalked that up as a success.
"What do we do now?" He'd already been so dramatic, he was half considering not emerging until morning to really make a point, but damnit he was so hungry. "Will you run down and get me a snack?"
"Forget it Hotpants," Toph slid off the bed. "Come get your own snack. But you'll have to be fast, Sokka found the pantry."
Zuko sighed. "Fine, I'll go downstairs. But not because I want to."
Toph just shook her head at him and gave him a little smile.
"Do you want to make it look like I dragged you?"
He paused. "Yeah." Toph smiled again and took him by the upper arm. She was surprisingly strong for a twelve year old, and she probably would have dragged him by the neck if he allowed it. All the way down the stairs she dragged him, while giving him a brief lesson on apologizing.
"I got him," Toph announced loudly when they reached their destination. She shoved Zuko roughly in the general direction of the rest of the group, all of whom were sitting in couches in the living room.
"Hey Stompy," Sokka greeted him. When Toph humphed, he looked like he must have realized he breached the 'only Toph gets to make up the nicknames' rule and backed off. "Zuko, I mean."
"I'm sorry I stomped off," Zuko said stiffly and almost mechanically, like Toph had taught him seconds before she shoved him into the middle of a bunch of people. "When I...stomp, it's an expression of unvented em...Toph, I'm not doing this, I'm going to get food."
He turned around and deliberately did not stomp off to the pantry. He heard the tail end of Toph finishing his practiced apology for him, containing a lot of bullshit sentiments such as 'I am a complicated soul' and 'stomping is the only way I can express myself,' which wasn't strictly true.
Either way, he was too flustered to poke his head back in and explain himself, so he settled for rummaging absentmindedly through the already scoured pantry.
Having spent all day locked in his room, Zuko realized he'd neglected to teach Aang any firebending, which he felt a bit guilty about. However, when he raised this point to him later in the kitchen, Aang's response was to scratch his head and look down at the ground.
"I don't really feel in the mood for firebending today," he said, a little grumpily. This miffed Zuko. He was the grumpy one, everyone knew that.
"This is about Katara."
Aang looked up at him, his eyebrows knitted together in an anger that was rare in Aang.
"Of course it's about Katara! I've liked her ever since I woke up from that iceberg! But the first time you saw her, I'm pretty sure you called her a peasant and tried to kill her! I'm sorry if I don't see it, but this isn't about you two. I'm the hero. I'm supposed to get the girl."
"Whatever feelings you have for her are irrelevant, the comet is coming and you need to learn firebending. So unless you want to go to the palace and ask my father to give you a lesson, we need to practice. Now."
"I know you like her!"
"Are you listening?"
"I deserve her way more than you do."
"Firebending, Aang, you need to learn how to firebend."
"Did I mention that you tried to kill her?"
"I'm going to kill YOU if you don't get outside and start doing some fire squats!" Zuko yelled, ready to slap him if that's what it took. Aang seemed to realize himself, and gave Zuko a sheepish look.
"Yeah, yeah...you're right. Sorry." he raised his eyes and tried to look as cute as possible. "I just really like her."
Zuko remained unimpressed.
"Come on," he said, and led Aang outside to the stone courtyard that sat in the inner corner of the house. It was still early in the afternoon, and extremely hot, so he yanked his tunic off. Aang did the same, and they proceeded with their practice.
"Really lean into the stance," he instructed. "Feel the energy flowing through your body."
"I feel it," Aang said, wiggling. Zuko promptly told him to stop doing that, but telling Aang not to wiggle was like telling Sokka not to make sarcastic remarks. It just wasn't possible.
"When you kick, really focus on the exhale," he said, extending his leg and trailing it slowly through the air. "It'll give you that extra power you'll need when facing my father." He shot a look at Aang, but he wasn't paying attention. "Focus!"
"I am focusing!" Aang said, his attention completely turned. Zuko turned his eyes in the direction Aang was looking, to see Katara poking around in the garden. For Agni's sake can't she do that somewhere else? She bent over to pick some lilies, and both Zuko and Aang stared (not inconspicuously) at the view she was providing.
Aang let out a low whistle, and Zuko gave him a sharp look.
"How old are you again?" he reminded him crossly.
"Old enough to appreciate what I see."
Zuko fought back every raging instinct in his body that told him to burn that insufferable child because 1. he was not Azula and 2. as annoying he was, Aang was still his friend and you don't do that to your friends, which brought him back to 1. he was not Azula.
"We're training," he hissed through his teeth, and yanked Aang around to drill him through some forms. He figured that he should probably sit Aang down and have a nice, long feelings talk with him, but not only did that sound like the most awful thing ever, he was sick to death of talking about his feelings to people.
However, Aang loved talking about his feelings, so he started rattling them off one by one at a very loud volume.
"When I woke up after being frozen for one hundred years, the first thing I saw were Katara's eyes, like two beautiful shimmering pools of...of beauty and her hair loopies were flowing in the wind, and when she held me, I knew that I was meant to marry her. I know you understand Zuko, you're really nice and understanding that way. Also I need someone to carry off into the sunset after I defeat your father, you get that right? I can't just not carry someone off into the sunset." he sighed and flopped onto the ground. "She's so pretty," he said painfully.
"Aang." Zuko kept his patience. "I know this is tough. But there are bigger things to worry about."
"You keep saying that," Aang said, "but I don't want to think about this war all the time. I know I have to defeat the Fire Lord, and I'm working as hard as I can..." Zuko could have argued that point, but he let it be for the time being, "...and I just don't see the point in surrounding yourself in misery like that. The monks always taught me I have to enjoy life, even when things get bad."
"Look," taking a deep breath, Zuko looked at his student as kindly as he could. "I know you're experiencing...emotions, or something like it, but I really think you should focus on firebending."
"I think you need to open yourself up to your emotions," Aang said sagely. "You're repressing a lot of feelings, and it's not good for your karmic energy."
"Okay, fine, I repress. But I don't care about my karmic energy, and I don't want to live the rest of my life under the oppression of my father, so would you please..." he pinched the bridge of his nose, "...please learn how to firebend. No more talking about feelings, and for Angi's sake no more talking about Katara."
Aang frowned a little, and then sighed.
"Okay. But you have to promise me something."
"Fine, whatever." Zuko waved his hand.
Biting his lip like he didn't really want to say what he was going to next, Aang stood up a little shiftily. "You have to promise me you won't go after her."
Zuko inhaled sharply. You know I can't promise that. But then his own shit advice rang painfully through his head, there are more important things going on than your feelings.
"I promise."
Aang smiled.
"Thanks Zuko. You're a good friend."
The words coiled in his stomach uncomfortably, but he forced a grim smile and went back into a firebending stance. Aang followed enthusiastically, hanging happily on the thread of Zuko's empty promise.
"Wait wait wait, I've got one-" Sokka stretched his arms out like he was physically going to catch all the laughter that would inevitably be launched at him when he revealed his latest stupid joke. "What do you call an airbender who isn't good at math?"
"What?" Katara humored him, as she always did. Zuko suspected it was either because she had put up with him for her entire life and she was used to it, or that she just shared the same lame sense of humor Sokka had.
"An airhead!" he exclaimed. Suki groaned, but Aang and Katara laughed politely.
"That's funny, because of the play on the word air," Aang laughed. He liked to explain jokes, because he was just as lame as Sokka and Katara, apparently.
"Was there a joke in there somewhere?" Toph stuck a finger in her ear. "I didn't catch it."
"Ha ha," Sokka stuck his tongue out, and Toph returned the gesture. Amazed at her magic feet, Sokka asked how she could have possibly seen him up on the couch, to which she responded by saying she couldn't see it, she just assumed that's what he was doing, and she'd been right.
Sokka scowled.
They'd occupied the house at Ember Island for nearly a week now, and there were only two left before the comet. Katara, Toph, and Aang had all been drilling Aang relentlessly on his bending, and Sokka had been working on 'battle plans' with Suki that sounded suspiciously like other activities from the other side of the door.
Zuko tried to ignore the increasingly nagging feeling that they weren't doing enough, because when they weren't training or 'battle planning,' they were sitting around talking about nothing or poking through the house for embarrassing evidence of Zuko's traumatizing childhood. Nearly every hour Katara would emerge with another portrait of who she thought was Zuko, but nearly almost always turned out to be his father, or even worse, Azula.
At one point, after such a search, Suki had come up to him quietly and pressed a book into his hands.
"I thought you should be the only one to see this," she'd said softly, "before someone else found it."
It was Azula's diary, back when she was young enough to think it wasn't a waste of her time. Suki had been kind to give it to him, but he wasn't sure if he was ready to face his sister's thoughts, so he'd kept it in his room for the past few days. It had been pressing on his mind annoyingly, but not knowing what was in there seemed better than pretending it couldn't be that bad and ignoring it.
"Okay, how about this," Katara prompted, and everyone groaned. Only Katara was worse than Zuko at jokes. "What do you call a bison with two legs?"
"What?" Aang said grimly. Katara's jokes were nearly as bad as Zuko's, and that was saying something.
"A bi-son!"
Everyone stared at her.
"...What?" Zuko asked flatly.
"Because bi means two..."
"Leave the jokes to me, Katara," Sokka said smugly.
"Or we could leave the jokes to no one." This was always Toph's suggestion, and it was sounding better and better every time.
What is in that stupid diary?
Katara glanced over at Zuko, biting her lip. She knew something was up with him, but after declaring loudly that she could never have feelings for him, she seemed a little reluctant to bother him about it. But Zuko knew Katara could only take so much before she couldn't help meddling, so he figured it was only a matter of time before she poked her nose back into his life.
They hadn't actually spoken one on one since the whole incident, so he expected it was only seconds away.
Zuko looked at her, looked a few feet into the distance, and counted one, two, three...
"I need to go do some dishes, but the...shelves are too high, can you help me Zuko?"
And she stood up quickly and shuffled off. Zuko looked back at the group, shrugged, and followed her. Aang's eyes watched them doubtfully, but Zuko paid no mind to that. I promised him, he reminded himself. Katara's stony silence for the past week had made Zuko think that he probably didn't need her anyway; the promise couldn't be so hard to keep.
But that was a bigger lie than he was willing to admit.
They both ended up far past the kitchen, up the stairs, and in Zuko's room. Katara stood by the bed, her hand on the book.
"So that's what it is?" he noticed, eyes flicking down to Azula's diary. "You want to know what's in the book?" She's not here to apologize.
"Not...not entirely," she said, a little guiltily, sitting down on the bed. "I haven't been completely honest with you about...certain things." Zuko guessed which things. Katara opened her mouth like she wanted to speak, but then her lips pursed and she tugged at her hair uncertainly. "I should have apologized for what I said. I didn't mean to say it, and I didn't mean to ignore you, it's just..."
"Complicated." Zuko supplied stiffly. Katara nodded.
"Yeah. Complicated." She looked up at him with apologetic eyes, a look he didn't return. "It's just that with the war going on, everything is so..."
"Yeah, the war, I get it."
The spaces between them hung heavy with words and whispers and promises that no one felt like keeping, but still it was silent. Pressing. Suffocating. He could practically taste her discomfort, her unease, her desire to leap into his arms and smush her face into his shoulder, but still neither of them moved. I know you like me, he wanted to say, wanted to scream.
So why was she doing nothing?
Inevitably, he grew uncomfortable with the silence and moved the subject along.
"It's Azula's," he said, changing the topic. Katara looked confused until he pointed at the book underneath her tapping fingers. "Suki found it. But I don't know if...I want to."
Katara paused, chewing at her lip. She spoke with a quiet uncertainty, "Do you want to look at it together?" as if she were afraid it was giving him too much.
He did like the sound of that together part, though, so he sat down on the bed, put the book on his lap, and exhaled. Katara put her hand on his arm, and the other arm slipped tentatively across his shoulders, like she wasn't sure if it was okay. Maybe he imagined it, or maybe he just wished it, but he swore he felt her fingers stroke his shoulder almost...curiously. It was like she was playing with him. She couldn't have been any plainer; it's just complicated was a polite way of saying 'I like you but also there's a clingy bald airbender who says he's in love with me so I'm going to concentrate on that okay thanks.' Yet here she was with her arm around him and her fingers squeezing his shoulder.
Zuko's throat tightened, and he dared to lean a little closer to her, so that he could feel her breath on his neck. He opened the cover.
"This is from ten years ago," Katara noted the date on the first page. "She must have been young."
"Yeah," he nodded stiffly, his eyes running over the tiny, painfully neat handwriting. With dread in his stomach, he started to read.
Today was my first day at Ember Island. Zuzu's been telling me how great it was for two years, but it's not so great. It's boring.
He spent all day practicing his stupid firebending. I told him he looked like a doof.
I hope I'm a firebender.
I'm scared of what will happen if I'm not.
Mom dragged us to see a stupid play today. It wasn't even funny. Zuzu loved it. I think he cried at the end. Or through the whole thing. He cries a lot.
"Okay, we can skip this," Zuko grumbled, rifling through the pages. Katara snickered.
I firebent today! I felt so awesome. Dad was so proud of me. But I think he's mad at Zuzu about something. He growls a lot.
I'm worried about him.
Training is hard, but it's fun. I'm already where Zuzu was one year ago. Dad said it won't be long before I've caught up. He called Zuzu a 'big disappointment' but I think he was kidding.
Mom seems worried too.
Things are getting worse here. We finally went home today, but Dad wasn't happy. He went to his chambers and stayed there all day. Mom spent all day with Zuzu. They whisper.
Ty Lee and Mai came over. Neither of them are firebenders. I'm glad to know I have advantage over them.
Mai is acting weird.
Ty Lee is just weird all the time.
"She seems sort of...normal," Katara said, leaning closer to read Azula's tiny, scribbled, childlike handwriting. "She was worried about you."
"It didn't last long," muttered Zuko sullenly, his fingers brushing over the last traces of concern his sister had for him. "Soon she got so good at firebending, she forgot all about my problems with Dad and concentrated only on her own craziness."
They flipped a few pages forward. Katara placed a hand over his and squeezed it. Just breathe.
Mai and Ty Lee didn't come over today; they said they didn't WANT to. What is wrong with those two? Can't they see that I'm the only one who will put up with their insufferable stupidity and general worthlessness? For Agni's sake, those two are so STUPID. Ty Lee told me the only reason Mai ever comes around anymore is for Zuko, which is even more stupid.
Today, Mother asked me why I was training so hard. I told her I needed Father's approval, and she asked me why, but I couldn't tell her. She still has some amount of love left for the man, spirits only know why, and I can't possibly...
He took Zuko away for a day, he told me they were doing some training. I was furious when I wasn't invited, of course, but that was before I knew what had happened. Zuko didn't tell me, but I can tell. He came back and ran past my room, crying his stupid face off.
It's not my fault he isn't working hard enough.
...he does work pretty hard though.
Ty Lee thinks she's better than me because she can do all those stupid flippy tricks. I tried to tell her that her stupid flippy tricks made her look even more insipid than she usually does, but she didn't respond well to that. I can't imagine why.
Dad trained me some more today. It was...harder than I expected. Zuko complains about it relentlessly, but it's only because Dad wants us to be strong.
I told Zuko that Dad would be more proud of him if he stopped crying all the time.
Zuko did not respond well to this.
Things are worse than I expected.
I snuck behind a curtain today after meeting with grandfather, and he said things I couldn't imagine. Zuzu...Zuko has no idea. He never has any idea. He's such an idiot.
But does he deserve that?
I want to march into his room and yell at him, to tell him it's his fault he wasn't training hard enough, that if he'd only worked harder he wouldn't have got himself into this mess.
Would Dad really do that? He can't be that heartless. He loves us. He HAS to love us.
I should tell him.
Please note: Zuko is an idiot and DESERVES TO BE MURDERED because he didn't even believe me! I tried to warn him, but he was snarky at me and went back to bed. Mom dragged me aside for a 'talk' and told me I shouldn't be so 'monstery' (not her exact words but it's what she meant).
I heard him, though. I heard Dad say he would do it. With just a few words, Grandfather was able to command him to do the very worst. Now that...THAT'S power.
"What?" Katara asked like the breath had dropped out of her lungs. "What is she talking about?"
"A long time ago, when I was ten, my father was out for a power grab," Zuko said, wishing he could just burn the whole diary and forget any of these things ever happened. "He wanted the throne to pass to him, since my Uncle had lost his only son and his line was ended. It's...it's complicated, but my grandfather was so enraged, that he wanted my father to suffer the same fate Uncle had."
"To lose a son." Katara understood, and gripped his shoulder.
"He didn't go through with it, obviously. But he wanted to. My mother stepped in, eventually."
"I'm sorry."
Zuko sighed, closed his eyes, and leaned his head on Katara's like she was the only one capable of keeping him up. Expecting her to complain and preparing to blame his raging emotions and inner turmoil, Zuko gritted his teeth. But she didn't complain; rather, she put another arm around him and held him there for a while, her forehead nuzzled into his shoulder.
"Do you want to keep going?" she asked.
For a second, he thought she was referring to their physical contact, and he was about to respond with a resounding YES when he realized she was talking about Azula's diary.
"No," he said. "I think the rest...it probably just gets worse."
Katara nodded against him. "Okay," she said, and started rubbing circles in his back. Her hand trailed up and she started playing with the scruff of his hair, tugging at the ends slightly. Spirits I love you.
"Katara..." he murmured softly, dragging his forehead across hers so that they were eye to eye. "Last week, we..."
He wanted to tell her then, he wanted to tell her that he loved her, that he couldn't imagine himself without her, and that he was altogether a huge mess and she was the only one who could consistently make him feel a little better about his life, but that stupid promise to Aang tugged at his conscious, and he knew deep down that to break that promise would be dishonorable. But I was lying, I was lying when I made that promise.
"Never mind," was all he said, and stood up. Katara sighed. She stood up too, and walked up beside him, her hand resting lightly on his arm.
"I only have a fraction of an idea of what's going through your mind at any given time," she said quietly, "and to be honest, I barely even know what's going through mine. But when this war is over, and when everything is the way it should be again- then will you tell me?"
Zuko nodded stiffly. "Yes."
"Good," Katara brushed back a piece of hair from his face. "Because I'll have something to tell you, too."
And spirits above, Katara stood up on her toes and kissed him on the cheek. Stunned, Zuko froze to the ground and felt her fingers slip through his until she was gone.
Wait, he wanted to say, so she would stop and turn around, so he could grab her by the shoulders and kiss her. The desperation of it welled up in his throat and almost surmounted in a cry, but he stopped himself.
Stupid promises made him let her go.
A/N: Basically, Zuko is a sillypants.
I want to talk about Aang for a bit, because I realize this story doesn't exactly show him in the best light. I think Aang is great; he's silly and goofy and those are admirable qualities. But since this is a story centered around Zuko, and Zuko is the type to get annoyed at silliness and goofiness, Aang is going to come off as an annoying cockblock (which he is, a bit). Zuko doesn't really hate Aang for feeling the way he does, because he gets it. He's just annoyed that things are transpiring the way they are, and he really does treasure Aang's friendship (although he would never ever say so to anyone). This is about where HONOR comes in, because Zuko makes that promise to Aang and he knows it's the HONORABLE thing to do, and we all know how Zuko gets about things like that. So the point of what I'm trying to say is that I don't hate Aang, and the point of all of this is definitely not to make anyone else hate Aang (or Mai for that matter, I really love Mai and I'll get to her eventually).
I have a lot of feelings about Azula also, and I think their sibling relationship is one of the most interesting things on the show. I probably won't get too into it, but the diary bits were just my way of trying to show that Azula sort of does care about her brother, and doesn't actually want him dead (although she does a terrible job of convincing anyone otherwise).
And I can't believe you guys let me get away with coming this far and barely mentioning Uncle Iroh ldsslfjdkfj oops.
Thanks for the reviews, I always love hearing what you guys have to say! Don't be afraid to leave me your opinions, I love your opinions. In the next chapter, there will be cooking, Zuko will finally get his answer from Sokka, and he and Aang will have the Ozai Talk.