I sat in the wardrobe with my head in a spin. One one hand, he could be really annoying. On another hand, he was my brother, and he could be in danger.

What was I to do, dear reader?

Of course, if you know me and my heroic disposition, you will already know what I did. I risked life and limb for my brother. I crawled out of my wardrobe and legged it out of my room.

Angry fangirls were everywhere, wearing T-shirts saying ALWAYS with pictures of does on them. They were tearing the house apart, looking for me, armed with sporks. And in a bubble of calm in the middle of the floor was Fate with her laptop.

CURSE HER.

'There he is!' shouted a girl and pointed at me. I froze as they charged towards me, but half the group stayed where they were, looking confused.

'How can he be over there?' one of the other ones said. 'He's over here. We tied him up with Snily String and hung him from the rafters.'

The crowd parted and I saw my twin, exactly as the person had described. He gave me a wave, but he looked rather uncomfortable.

'Yes, that's right!' Roydegild shouted upside-downly (I don't think that's an adjective, but he was upside-down, so I'm using it). 'That's not Gilderoy! I'm Gilderoy! And he is my twin brother Roydegild who has nothing to do with this! It's me you want! Not him!'

'Righto,' said another girl, and they swarmed Roydegild again. They cut the string, grabbed him and Disapparated, leaving me alone in a house full of Snily String and sporks.

Roydegild had pretended to be me to save me from a mob of angry Snily shippers. Could anyone ask more of a brother?

I felt myself tearing up.

GUYS OKAY I HAD TO GET HIM BACK.

So I formulated a plan.

As far as I could see, I had two options. I could actually go and physically rescue Roydegild, but that would be difficult seeing as he was being held captive by about two hundred fangirls. And boys.

The other option was that I find Fate's laptop.

I liked that option. If I found that laptop, I could rewrite the whole sorry tale, starting with me hitting on Lily. I could erase all mentions of her from my life story, and all the Snily shippers, whatever delusion they'd been labouring under, would be mollified. (I am a fountain of big words today!) And they'd leave me alone, and we would all live happily ever after.

And the second benefit of the laptop plan was that I could use it to get revenge on Fate. To get her back for all the horrible things that happened to me. (Minus the million-Galleon book deals and the fame and fortune part, obviously).

BAM.

I liked that plan. I liked that plan very very much.

Stage one of Operation Rewrite History went swimmingly. I lured Fate into my house with turnip cookies and she arrived with her laptop as usual, since she never goes anywhere without it. Then I cast the Full Body-Bind on her and snatched the laptop.

I began to type.

I was tempted to write the same way I always do, sending myself up and adding 'twinkle' every two sentences. But I didn't think that would work, so I decided to just write the cold, hard truth. (Twinkle.)

I had two pages written when my bladder started to get full. So I hurried to the bathroom and relieved myself and when I got back, the laptop was out of charge.

OUT OF CHARGE.

If I hadn't needed the bloody loo, I could have finished the story and clicked Save and sealed my destiny. But no - my writing was interrupted by the call of nature. I blamed Fate for this, too. When she'd been writing my life story, I had rarely if ever needed to pee because that was not relevant to the plot. (And JK Rowling hadn't been too bothered with toilet breaks either). It was kind of a new experience for me. It took me about four minutes to work out how to flush it.

Four minutes of precious battery life.

All my hard work was just gone, just like that.

'CURSE YOUUUUUUUUUU!' I screamed at the laptop, then glared at Fate. I didn't suppose she was going to take me to the charger, not after I'd hexed her and sabotaged her life's work.

I took the hex off her and she ran to her laptop and hugged it to her chest. 'You poor baby! Did the mean blondie man hurt you?'

I am serious, she said that to her laptop.

'It's not dead,' I said defensively.

'Well, the battery is!' she retorted and after a final glance of loathing directed at me, she Disapparated, so there was my brilliant plan scuppered. The only thing left to do was to find the fangirls and my brother, and that meant WAR.

I had to think for a while. Where would Snape/Lily fans hide my brother? Of course... Spinner's End. Or maybe that cafe on Tottenham Court Road with the formica tables - no. Spinner's End for definite.

I straightened my robes - sage green today, because I am so sage like a sage plant - and Apparated to Spinner's End. The minute I got there I regretted it. I could hear a strange sort of war chant coming from inside Snape's house, which reminded me of just how extremist these guys were. There were also two massive dummies in the front garden, one of James and one of me, and they were burning. Slowly. In a big fire.

I could tell they would have no hesitation in doing the same thing to the real me, too.

Also, there was like two hundred of them and only one of me. Or was there?

'GILDEROY! GILDEROY! OH GILDEROY, LOOK AT ME, PLEASE!'

The screaming made me jump and I turned so fast I got a crick in my neck. There was a sea of middle-aged witches standing out in the street, crying with joy and waving copies of my books in the air.

Big, thick, heavy books.

A smile creeping across my face, I sauntered towards the women, some of whom started to hyperventilate.

'Ladies, what lengths would you be prepared to go to to support me?' I enquired.

'WE'D FLY TO MARS FOR YOU, GILDEROY!' roared a woman who I recognized as Gladys Gudgeon, and the rest joined in with cries of agreement.

'It is time for you to prove that dedication, ladies,' i announced. 'My brother is in there and he is being held hostage.'

Cue cries of shock, horror and anger.

'Can you help me get my brother back?'

'YESSSSS!' they all bellowed.

'Good, now CHARGE!' I shouted back and they all vaulted over the garden wall and barged through the door of Snape's house, waving their books in the air like weapons. I followed them into the house where they began to run at the startled shippers, cursing, hexing, jinxing and thwacking with books. They were soon joined by Roydegild's insane pogo-stick-wielding friends.

But Roydegild himself was nowhere in sight.

I grabbed one of the Snily shippers and demanded to know where they were keeping him, but she shook her head defiantly and tried to hex me, but Gladys hit her on the head with a copy of Gilderoy Lockhart's Guide to Household Pests and she slumped to the ground, unconscious. I ran upstairs, away from the battle, trying to find my twin.

Up here it was deathly quiet. The noise of the fight didn't even carry, which felt creepy.

My footsteps echoed across the landing as I threw open doors, calling Roydegild's name. No answer. I started to panic.

Then I heard a scream from downstairs, a fangirly type shriek. Then another one, and another one, until it almost sounded like music.

And then there was silence.

I ran back down the stairs, taking the steps three at a time. All the shippers were lying unconscious on the ground, and there was a hooded figure standing at the door. I felt a cold, hard knot of fear in my heroic belly.

'Lord Voldemort?'

'Gilderoy Lockhart. We meet again.'

(I have met with the Dark Lord before, of course. It's just that Harry Potter gets all the credit.)

'Do you know where my brother is?' I demanded. 'Do you have something to do with this?'

'No, not at all,' Voldemort replied evenly. 'I just thought I'd pop by for a quick chat with Severus. Then I remembered that I'd killed him. So I was just leaving when all the fangirls saw me and fainted. If you want my advice, I'd say this. Grab your brother - who is tied up in the attic with Snily String - and get the hell out of here before they wake up.'

I didn't need telling twice. I hared up the stairs and into the attic, where Roydegild was, indeed, lying on the floor, tied up with Snily String. He beamed when he saw me.

'Gilderoy! I knew you'd save me!'

'What can I say?' I replied smoothly. 'I'm epic.'

I cut him free, pulled him upright and Disapparated with him. Mission accomplished.

'I think this calls for a party,' grinned Roydegild when we were safely back home. 'A really big destructive one. And you can have Leontyne back by the way. I never liked her much.'

Can you believe that? After all I'd done for him.

Brothers, eh?

THE END

A/N: Well, how would you have ended it, huh? XD

Hehe, Snily string... see what I did there? See what I did there? Yeah... I'm so witty.

Thanks for reading! I hope you liked it and it didn't confuse you too much...

Gilderoy loves you!