Disclaimer: That '70s Show copyright The Carsey-Werner Company, LLC and Twentieth Century Fox Home Entertainment, LLC.

CHAPTER 6
ROUSING THE BEAR

Sunday Morning, October 21, 1979

Point Place, Wisconsin

Eric Forman's Basement
…

This morning's sermon at church happened to be about chastity, and Eric paid special attention as Pastor Dan sprinkled in the Star Wars analogies. A Jedi's devotion should not be split between the Force and carnal desire, Pastor Dan had said, and Eric clung to that thought on the drive home. If anyone would need the Force next week, it was him.

He and his parents clustered on the driveway with Donna and Bob. They'd all gone to church together in the Vista Cruiser, and his mom said to his dad, "Honey, will you check the bureau in our bedroom? It's so wobbly."

"It just needs a good shimming." Red snaked his arm around her shoulders. "I'll make sure to give the bureau exhaustive attention. Won't botch it with a rush job."

Eric stared at them, slack-mouthed. They clearly thought they were speaking in code, but his stomach roiled at their words' obvious meaning.

"Oh, Red!" his mom said. "You're so attentive when you take care of our furniture. Let's go."

She chased his dad through the patio door and into the kitchen. Nausea rose into Eric's throat, but it prevented dirty thoughts from sprouting like weeds.

"I think they're about to have sex!" Bob said, and Donna looked toward the basketball hoop. "It's natural for two people who love each other to have sex, pumpkin—as long as they're old and married."

"Dad, stop." She put up a hand. "Please, for the love of God..."

"I know. You've heard this talk already, but it's never too late for a reminder. Anyway, I need your advice on my Halloween costume." He gestured for her to follow him to their house. "I wanna know if I put too many tassels on my Elvis cape."

"Sure, Dad. Be there in a sec." But as soon as Bob was out of sight, she cupped Eric's shoulder and kissed him gently with a closed-mouth.

The nerves surrounding his lips prickled, sending the signal to open his mouth and storm hers with his tongue. "Okay!" he shouted instead and pushed her off him. "None of that, missy. One of us is still in this contest."

A grin slid over her face, the affectionate, amused one she so often gave him.

"Don't smile, either," he said.

"Eric—"

"Or say my name."

She twirled away from him, hair fanning out in a brilliant orange halo. Usually that move meant she was annoyed with him, but she was also laughing. "Okay, okay," she said after a moment. "I'll be a good girlfriend and do my best not to turn you on."

He placed a hand over his heart. "That's all a man could ask for."

"But you do realize how screwed up all this sounds, right?"

"It's a topsy-turvy world, Donna, when honor, money, and sex get tangled together. Those three things shouldn't mingle with each other, and yet—in our sick, perverted society—they do."

She laughed again, and her fingertips grazed his cheek. His pulse throbbed in response, in forbidden places, and he swallowed. Giving into his desires would be so easy, but he grasped her hips and turned her toward her house.

"Off you go," he said with a little push, and she laughed even stronger as she left him.

His heart pounded against his ribs—giggled against them. Her joy touched him in places he never knew existed, but he found no delight in it today.

Eric entered the basement, expecting to find Hyde and Jackie occupying opposite corners. Instead, they were half-naked on the couch, making out like they were about to die on the Death Star.

As repulsive as the sight was, Eric stood by the wooden staircase, watching. If he didn't interrupt, Hyde and Jackie would hump themselves out of the contest. If he stuck around for "verification purposes," as Fez would call it, they wouldn't be able to hide that little fact, either.

Jackie moaned softly as Hyde sucked the skin behind her earlobe. It must have been a sensitive spot, and Eric dug his fingernails into the staircase's central pole. Unlike Fez, he never wanted to see a porn starring his friends, but this wretched performance was too damn close.

His eyes shut against the fresh wave of nausea assaulting him. He'd just have to interrogate Hyde about his rendezvous with Jackie later. He forced open his eyes and crept up the stairs, hoping for a quick getaway, but the sixth step creaked.

"Oh, God!" Jackie shoved Hyde off her, and Eric caught a glimpse of her bare breasts before she pulled Hyde back on top of her. "Steven, get my bra—my bra!"

"Shit." His arm shot up, and his hand groped the top of the couch blindly. "Forman," he said as he grabbed his own shirt, "get the hell outta here!"

"I was trying to!"

Eric dashed up three more stairs, but the basement's back door slammed open. Fez scudded inside, holding a basketball-sized paper bag under his arm. "Who is out?" he shouted. "Someone better be out, or I will make you be out!"

Jackie sat up, hugging Hyde's shirt to her chest. "Help me!" she said, and Hyde snatched her bra and blouse from the floor. "Go, go!" She gestured frantically for him to run, and his open belt buckle jangled as he and Jackie fled to his room.

Fez, though, marched across the basement and up the nine stairs to Eric. "Are they out?" Fez said. His voice was deeper than usual, a little hoarse. The dark circles beneath his eyes seemed darker, too, and when Eric didn't answer, Fez jabbed his shoulder. "Tell me, or I will have to hurt you."

"I don't know, all right?" Eric pushed past him and climbed down the staircase. He flopped onto the couch, but his butt landed on something small and crinkly, "What the—?" He pulled the annoyance from the cushion, an unopened, foil-wrapped condom. "Damn it, Hyde!"

His biceps tensed, and with the power of a thousand Hulks, he hurled the condom at the closed door of Hyde's room.

"Orcs sent from Mordor, that's what they are," he said, standing. He couldn't sit on the couch anymore. Hyde and Jackie's unholiness had tainted it yet again. Hyde's chair probably wasn't safe either, and Fez had gone to the lawn chair.

The only safe surface in the basement was the deep freeze. Eric hopped onto it, and the soapy, mildly acrid smell of detergent stung his nostrils. The laundry shelves above him were stocked with Tide. One of the boxes had been knocked over, spilling powder onto the dryer.

"They have to be out," Fez said, staring at the couch. "They were all sweaty."

"If they're not out," Eric said, "they will be any second. Oh, hey, guess who saw Jackie's boobs?"

"You bastard!" Fez sprang from the chair, knocking it over in the process. "I have been trying to see those for years! She has always outsmarted me, unlike your woman."

"Okay, Fez, do you really want to go there?"

"Yes, I would like to go there." Fez dropped his paper bag on the couch and mimed squeezing a pair of breasts. "I would also like to do this." His tongue darted from his mouth, as if trying to lick chocolate from the air.

He was acting like a dillhole, and Eric intended to interrupt as Fez's hips began to swivel, but Hyde and Jackie emerged from Hyde's room. They were wearing their own clothes, and Hyde said, "Fez, man, quit Frenching your invisible girlfriend!"

Jackie's expression soured. "He used to do that all the time."

"At least I take longer than two minutes to satisfy a woman." Fez claimed his paper bag from the couch, righted the fallen lawn chair, and sat down again. "You were not in your room very long."

"That's 'cause we didn't finish." Hyde walked past the couch to Eric and slipped two twenties into his hand. "Here ya go, Forman."

Eric clutched the money. "Okay, you just said you didn't finish."

"Not now, but we sure as hell did last night. Three times."

"So you're out?" Eric struggled not to smile, in case Hyde was pranking him. "You're admitting defeat?"

"Yup."

"The frizzy-haired robot couldn't keep it in his pants longer than the Kid?"

"Yeah."

"Wow!" Eric laughed from deep within his belly, a laugh of triumph. "I can't believe it. I was sure you'd last until Christmas. Wow ... I'm stronger than you."

"You keep thinking that if it helps get you by." Hyde sat on his chair and waved for Jackie to join him. She plunked herself on his lap, grinning as his hands clasped over her stomach. "By the way," he said and angled his head toward Eric, "our second round last night was on the deep freeze."

"What?" Eric glanced up at the laundry shelves. The spilled Tide detergent. … "Is nothing in this basement sacred?" He flew off the deep freeze and retreated to the staircase. The third step would have to be his safe place now, but the forty bucks in his pocket meant only one person was left to beat.

Fez had to be close to his breaking point. His face was puffy, and his sobs bubbled beneath Hyde and Jackie's half-whispered chatter.

"Man, are you crying?" Hyde said. "It's a real downer."

"I can take care of that," Jackie said and flounced off his lap. She turned on the TV. Charlie's Angels shimmered onto the screen, and the theme song blocked some of Fez's sobs.

But Eric felt like sobbing, too. The Angels' breasts bounced enticingly, and he pushed his forehead into the staircase's central pole. His mind and body were at war with each other, but Fez had become a bloated, rage-fueled wraith. Eric needed to push him over the edge before the day was through. Before enduring another week of self-denial.

"Hey, why's Fez crying?" Kelso said and strode into the basement like a satisfied man. A slight kick was in his step, and he sat on the couch by Fez. "What's wrong, buddy?"

Fez's tear-stained cheeks glinted in the light. "Oh, I am relieved. Hyde and Jackie are out."

"What?" Kelso turned toward Hyde and Jackie. "You two did it?"

Hyde and Jackie both put up three fingers.

"Wait, you're out three times?" Kelso held up his own three fingers and studied them with a frown. "You never did it with me three times in a row. Man, I was ripped off!"

"Yeah, can you believe it?" Eric said. "They're out while the Kid's pace is slow and steady to win the race. You know, like The Tortoise and the Hare—well, just the tortoise."

"'The Kid'?" Kelso chuckled. "You're still trying to make that one stick?"

"Yup," Hyde said. "He doesn't know when to let go of things."

Fez's expression brightened. "Ooh, maybe he will grab onto his manhood and not know when to let go of that, either."

Everyone but Eric laughed, and his face flushed.

"Hey!" He gestured wildly at Hyde and Jackie. "They're the ones who couldn't keep their hands off each other. Them, not me. I've got the hottest girl on campus living with me, and have I played with her juicyparts? No, for I am Eric Forman—" he pounded his chest and deepened his voice, "the Strongest-Willed Man in the Universe."

"Really?" Donna said, entering the basement. A couple of flyers were in her hands. "You seemed awfully close to crumbling when I left you in the driveway."

"Donna, what the hell?" He rushed over to her. "I thought you were on my side now that you've lost."

"Yeah, but I owe you one for 'Candlegate' yesterday."

"Oh. That's fair." Showing off her incriminating, melted candle hadn't been all too classy. "So, we're even?"

She patted his cheek. "Not even close, but I'll keep my promise and be as unappealing to you as possible. Anyway, I'm here to give our friends these." She passed out flyers to Fez, Kelso, Jackie, and Hyde.

"A Halloween party?" Hyde said.

"Uh-huh." Donna settled onto the couch, tucking her left leg beneath her butt. It wasn't a sexy position, and Eric mentally thanked her. "The Student Journalists Association holds a party on campus every Halloween, along with a costume contest. It's apparently quite famous."

"Not that famous." Hyde crumpled the flyer, but Jackie snatched it from him.

"Steven and I would love to go," she said.

"Jackie—" he began, but she whispered in his ear. "I don't care," he said," and she whispered in his ear again, causing his eyebrows to arch above his sunglasses. "Yeah, we'll be there."

"Because you wanna have hot Halloween sex!" Kelso said and leaned toward Donna conspiratorially. "They're totally out, Big D."

"Really?" Donna glared at Jackie. "So your plan to get my boyfriend and Fez to disqualify themselves backfired?"

"No." Jackie's fingers glided over Hyde's and slid into the spaces between them. "We just realized that some kinds of winning are better than others."

"Three times better," Hyde said and used their combined hands to pat her stomach. "I've got a feeling losing this contest'll be the gift that keeps on giving—" His gaze shifted to the lawn chair. "Fez, what the crap is in there, man? You've been carrying one of those around for weeks."

Fez was rummaging in his paper bag like a raccoon, but he plucked out a tinfoil-covered woman the size of his palm. "Bob brought me to an erotic cake and candy shop last year," he said, "and I discovered things I never knew existed." He unwrapped the woman, revealing her naked chocolate body. "This, my friends, is the perfect girl."

He swirled his tongue around the chocolate woman's breasts before taking a bite. His features softened as he devoured her—it, and Eric finally understood Fez's transformation. Because of this contest, his hunger and lust had become one and the same.

"Will this party have candy?" Fez said.

"Tons," Donna said

"Is it free?"

"After the five-dollar entry fee."

Hyde hiked his thumb at Fez. "That's what his first middle-aged hooker said to him."

"Nice burn!" Kelso said.

"It's not a burn, man. It really happened. After he and Nina went kaput, I introduced him to Loose Lorraine."

"Oh!" Kelso turned toward Fez again. "You know who you should do it with after the contest? A bank teller."

"You and Tilly have seen each other again?" Donna said. "Are you two dating?"

"No, we're not dating, but I have seen her. Yeah, in the bank when I make my deposits—and by deposits, I mean I've done it with her about a bajillion times." Kelso brushed his hand through his hair. "She's not shy, either. Working with money must make chicks extra-horny." He winked in Hyde and Jackie's direction. "Yeah, Jackie was more experimental, too, whenever I scraped a few bucks together. If I'd won this contest, maybe I could've convinced her to—"

Hyde pushed Jackie off his lap and covered the distance between himself and Kelso in seconds. Kelso sputtered as Hyde's arm hooked his neck and yanked him to the ground.

"We didn't have this conversation before," Hyde said, squeezing Kelso face between his biceps and wrist, "'cause I'd needed to have a more important conversation with someone else."

Kelso squirmed and kicked his legs into the air. He scratched at Hyde's arm, but Hyde grabbed hold of Kelso's belt buckle with his free hand. The material of Kelso's jeans strained as Hyde tugged the buckle upward, causing Kelso to grunt and quit moving.

Eric clutched the top of the couch in sympathy. The pressure on Kelso's balls could not have been pleasant.

"Hyde," Donna said, "just tell him what you need to say!"

"This is what I need to say." Hyde wrenched Kelso's belt buckle harder, and Kelso cried out in pain. "Chicago," Hyde said. "That was your last chance." He bent closer to Kelso's ear, and his voice grew low and threatening in a way Eric had never heard. "Jackie's her own chick, but she wants to be with me. Even when we're fighting. Or acting like screwed-up, stubborn assholes. She's still with me, and I'm always gonna fucking choose her … got it?"

His grip on Kelso's face loosened, and Kelso nodded with wide, scared eyes.

"Glad we understand each other," Hyde said.

His hold on Kelso's belt buckle relented, but as Kelso sat up, Jackie shouted, "He made me sound like a hooker, Steven!"

"Fuck—" Hyde shoved Kelso back to the floor and kneed him in the groin. "And just in case you didn't get my point on that one..." He kneed Kelso again.

Kelso groaned and curled into the fetal position. Hyde seemed satisfied, but Jackie didn't let him sit down. She grasped his hand and tugged him toward his room. He scooped the unopened condom from the ground, and she giggled as they disappeared into his room.

"So that's two down," Eric said as Hyde's door closed. He pointed at Kelso, who continued to groan in the fetal position. "He's three, and you..." He patted Donna's shoulder. "You make four." He trained his most intimidating stare on Fez. "It's just you and me, buddy."

"No, it's just you and me and Pepé," Fez said. He had another chocolate woman in his hand, and he bit off her head.

Eric sped down Green Bay Road in the Vista Cruiser. Squeeze's "Slap and Tickle" played on the radio, and his grip tightened on the steering wheel. The song was the story of his life right now, but at least Donna's hand stayed off his thigh. A starving bear was in his slacks, and if she kept to her word, it would probably lie in hibernation another week.

"I can't believe who the contest's down to," she said as he turned onto Somers Road. Trees lined the street in a dense Impressionist painting of reds, oranges, and yellows, still bright in the late afternoon sun. Usually autumn scenery cheered him up.

Not today. The contest had closed over his mind like window shades, allowing the barest sliver of light to shine though.

He repositioned his fingers on the steering wheel, pressing the plastic deeper into his palms. "What I can't believe is Kelso. He refused to help me get Fez out." He shifted his voice to a more Kelso-like tone. "'It wouldn't be honorable, Eric. Since I'm disqualified, this contest's gotta be won fair and square. I'm proud of the little guy. He's become a lumpy uggo, but he's holding strong. Well, not holding himself. Holding onto his manhood—by not holding onto it.'"

Donna's eyes narrowed in the rearview mirror. "You remembered word-for-word what Kelso told you?"
"My brain's got a lot more storage space, Donna." He stopped at a red light and glanced at her lap. "Now that it's not preoccupied with how to get my dick into your storage space."

"Eric!"

"Just stating facts here. I kept trying to get Fez to crack during Charlie's Angels by using innuendo—"

"Of course that didn't work You're bad at innuendo."

"Oh, come on! How is, 'Kelly Garret's gun must be getting hot from all the shooting,' bad innuendo?"

The traffic light flashed green, and he stomped on the gas pedal. Speed was no replacement for sex, but he'd take whatever thrill he could get. The Vista Cruiser rocketed down the nearly empty county highway. Trees passed by in a sunset-colored ribbon, and warmth slid up his thigh.

Donna's hand was on him. Her fingers drummed near his crotch, tensing his muscles and rousing the bear. He swerved the car to the left, but he regained control and lightened his foot on the gas.

"Um, hello?" he said and spared a look at her.

"Sorry." She withdrew her hand. "I just wanted you to slow down. How are you feeling, you know, about all this?"

"Frustrated." His blood was massing where he wanted it least. Her touch had given him an erection. "In all ways, very frustrated."

"Are you afraid? Like, that you won't make it?"

He scoffed. "My greatest foe is Fez, and did you see him? He's practically on death's door."

"Yeah..." She bit lightly into her index finger, and her brows furrowed, as if she were thinking. "I knew this contest would be rough on him, but could a few weeks without masturbating really kill him?"

"Oh, I think he'll break before then. What man chooses death over jerking off?"

She nodded, and soon they were driving by UW's baseball field. The Rangers' last season had been a good one, thanks to Coach Oberbruner, and Eric wished the coach had some advice to give him about this contest. He might not have been good at sports, but he was an expert at running the bases with Donna.

Only now, he was playing the outfield, waiting for Fez to be at bat. Fez needed to hit the damn ball already and quit striking out. Eric's mitt had grown heavy. His arm felt tired, and his hand was sweltering inside such a confined space.

But Team Forman had no fear. He could withstand one more week of sleeping alone. Another seven days of smelling Donna's fragrant, untouchable skin. 168 hours of ignoring how her breasts strain against her tight, UW sweater. 10, 080 minutes of having a swollen organ he couldn't relieve.

He floored the gas pedal again, and the Vista Cruiser shot onto UW's campus. The stink of burnt rubber singed his nose, and he blasted the horn at any car that dared get in his way.