Chapter 6: Tear

My upper body swiftly rose from bed in the middle of the incandescent night, as if I had died in my dreams and shock engulfed me. My lungs were gasping for air, hyperventilating like crazy. It was like a ghost, phantom or spectre had appeared in the dream that no longer existed. Numbness settled in my chest, as my breath kept panting for the air required to operate. That feeling of longing for something precious—that I knew I had lost—surged from the ends of my heart through every plasma and cell living in my flesh; it set foot and camped there for a brief length of time till my senses got a hold of itself, attempting to calm the atmosphere around me.

An endless stream of fluid coursed down from my face, signalling that something was certainly wrong. It was normal for a few droplets to flow out whenever the sun soared up each and every morning. However, it was a superfluous amount, to the point where my hands weren't sufficient to wipe them away. A few tissues from the side helped in the stead of the former.

'What's wrong with you, Taki?' I asked myself with a soft, dismal voice that gloated whatever I had felt.

I had struggled, trying to soothe my ambience with slow and heavy breathing, whilst reminiscing the previous day that had vividly dawned unto my consciousness and recited itself.

It was her…

The winter wind slithered above me with shrieks of the large crowd beside me. It was a horde, there were so many around me that it was an arduous task to locate the unmistakable red ribbon that guarded her hair. Her appearance screamed of deja vu, as if I had already seen this woman before.

Paramnesia? I thought of a possible answer.

My chest tightened whilst it experienced a dazed jumble. I had goose bumps all over myself. That very feeling coursed throughout myself, deceiving my perception of the world with immense strength that had never happened before. Strength that was unbeknownst to me until then. My respiratory system had to work on a huff and puff motion in order to gain a foothold of myself.

My hands were leaning on my knees that were bent down in the middle of a mass of humans, blocking many in their paths. In spite of that, everyone ignored me up till the moment I flew in the general direction of her. I was still recovering my vigour and vitality. My vision shifted about, scanning and analysing the back of every single person. There it was. The red strip. Even if she was far away, I chased after her like a mad man, like a child pursuing their dreams, like a dog racing after a bone.

"Hey, watch it!"

"Whoa there."

"Are you sorry?"

"Pardon me."

Yes, I heard them, but I had no time to spare even if I wanted to apologise for a mere second. For all that I could care, she was in my sight as the distance between us lessened gradually, bit by bit. The light on the pedestrian crossing in front turned green, swarms of people flooded around us. It was overwhelming, feeling claustrophobic with the limitless abundance of individuals rushing by me. Her vivacity glowed colourfully amongst my monochrome sight of the vast city. I started to lose her, the black and white ahead of me started to consume my eyesight, gently diminishing what was left of her until she was gone and faded away with the wind.

'If only...If only I knew your name,' I asserted out, with the unpleasant smell of desperation ringing throughout myself.

I ran as fast as humanly possible, going as far as exiting the large crowd soon after and recovered my breath. To my shock, I twisted myself around whilst searching for her. However, she wasn't there at all, like if she ceased to exist from this cruel, harsh realm that was life.

She was a ghost, a fiction of my delirious mind. I wanted to believe she was there, but the more I thought of it, the more I seemed to be hysterically insane. A realistic illusion that defied the laws of physics. A mere shadow among many others. A simple fallacy. "She" was nothing. "She" was no one.

You could tell from my face that I felt pathetic and distressed, it was involuntarily showing on me. I followed a route back home, it was set by my GPS on my smart phone. Al though, I hadn't thought of a single thing after that. Until something piqued my interest.

It had this strange vibe around it, even though it was just a simple shop. I didn't know what it was, but it had a sense of familiarity around it. Before I knew it, my feet stood by the front door. However, I couldn't. I couldn't knock on the door even though my hand—shaped like a fist—was right in front of it, a sheer length away. I let out a deep sigh and gave up, returning back home as the wind roared its fierce, yet sorrowful cry.

...

I had crept against another door, it was my own. My arm brushed off minor tears of inconvenience before I entered. Incense burned throughout the house, filling every corner of it with its peculiar, acquiesced smell. Footsteps creaked nearby.

"Hey Taki. Welcome – Are you okay? You don't look so well. Your face is quite pale. Did you take medicine yet?" My father was obviously concerned, but I gave him a flimsy rebuttal hoping that it would assure him.

"No, I'm fine dad," I lied. "It's just fatigue."

"Right, rest well then. If you need anything else, don't be afraid to ask me. I'm here for you, son," he reaffirmed in a tedium way.

My eyes peered away from his gaze as I frankly passed him. Again, there were two sticks of incense burning in the side room, one was for dear mother and I assumed the other was for the mindless void.

My body hastily shunned itself and collapsed violently onto my poor bed. The world around me turned black, like curtains being closed as it cut off all light.

My breathing slowly returned to normal. But my mind? It did not. I kept on remembering, not being able to stop the flood of my thoughts. It was a wild-goose chase. Futile. Why did I run?

I don't want believe that it was all for naught, I thought. I'm not crazy…

Slowly resting myself on my bed, I tried to sleep. Though it took a while. My mind was still distraught and absorbed in yesterday. But I heard them. A violin and piano played their music in absolute harmony. It was…amazing.

Calmly, I dozed off into a sound sleep.