Chapter 6
"Mandy!" I shout, bursting through the infirmary doors, Zeke hot on my heels. When I came rushing out of the training room with Tris in my arms he demanded what was going on, thinking I was carrying the "Stiffs" dead body. "She's not dead!" I say between clenched teeth. "Eric went too far with the fight, I need to get her help!"
I see an empty cot and place Tris carefully down, trying not to hurt her any further. Mandy comes rushing over to me leaving her patient she is busy with, with an accusing look in her eyes. "What happened?" She demands from me.
"Eric never stopped the fight when things got out of hand!" I say. I really don't like the way she is looking at me, like I'm the one that inflicted this on her. "Move, so that I can have a look at her." She demands from me. I start to protest that I need to stay and make sure that she is fine. "You." She whirls around, sticking her finger in my face. "You could have stopped this a lot sooner Four." She says, her cheeks becoming red. "Where were you?" she asks. "I – I…" I stammer.
"Get out, I'll call you when I'm done" she orders and turns around, giving her full attention to Tris. I stand there looking at Tris. Mandy's right. This is my fault, I should never have left the training room.
I feel a hand on my shoulder, it's Zeke. "Come on man, we'll stand outside and wait there. You can explain to me what went down in there." I hesitate at first, but I let Zeke pull me toward the door and out of the infirmary. Ones we are outside I slump down the wall to my knees with my head bowed in my hands. "She's right you know." I say to Zeke, knowing he's looking at me expectantly. "This is my fault. I could have stopped this much sooner then was necessary. Eric matched all the weaker initiates with the stronger ones, trying to…" I stop looking for the right way to put it, but failing. "I don't even know for what. His own entertainment?" I take a long breath through my nose, trying to control my breathing. "I couldn't watch her get beaten up like that. I so badly wanted to walk over to the fight and take over for Tris's part, protect her. But I thought that would have given Eric a reason to target her, knowing how I feel about her-"
"WHAT?" Zeke asks, shocked. "You have feelings for the Stiff?" he carries on. "When were you going to tell me this?" I look up at him, realising what I just admitted to.
"Wait. Have you two … you know, done the deed already?" he asks wiggling his brows at me, smiling. Leave it to Zeke to find the humour in this situation.
"What? No. I don't even know what these feelings mean and she doesn't even know about it." I tell him. I have never even thought about her that way. Well, Not until know anyway. What would it be like to kiss her, her kissing me back? To feel her skin against my skin? I shake my head getting rid of that train of thought immediately. No.
Zeke looks at me knowingly. "But you want to." He says, smiling. Then all of a sudden he frowns. "You know you can't. You know, go for her Four. Not while she is still only an initiate." He starts pacing the corridor "If she passes they will blame it on you, saying you rigged her final outcome. They will kick her out, become factionless." He stops in front of me.
"I know that!" Suddenly I feel beyond exhausted. Like I haven't slept in days. "Why do you think I didn't interfere with her fight?" I stand looking at him. "But as her mentor, as the person who was supposed to show her the ropes, I should have stopped the fight as soon as I saw how off balance she was, as soon as I saw the blood, her blood on the mat!" I close my eyes, recalling the look on her face, the pain and the will to carry on and not to show weakness.
"Four, I didn't mean to upset you man." He says, putting his hand on my shoulder, but I shrug it off. I don't want him to make me feel better, not now. "But you need to remember, Eric will do anything to get to you and if he has to use her to do it, he will." He says carrying on as if nothing happened. "You need to get them all through this, but you also need to remember that not all of them will make the cut and you can't save them all." With that said, he doesn't say a word and neither do I, knowing he is right. I knew as soon as they asked me to be part of the initiate programme what the rules were and even if I don't agree with it, I can't change it.
15 minutes later, Mandy steps out and approaches us.
"She'll be fine. She has a cracked rib and a slight concussion." She says looking at me the same way as before. "She is going to be bruised for a couple of weeks. She is lucky. Im keeping her here for the rest of the evening." She stops talking turning to walk away. "Send one of her friends to get her in the morning." She says walking through the doors.
"Mandy wait." I say. " I-" I stop as she is already gone.
"Well, there's nothing we can do now, she's going to be fine." He starts walking. "I'll see you later, I have to meet up with Shauna and I'm already late. She's going to put my head on a spear and have it for dinner." He says, making a face with his tong out.
I smile wanly at him. "Sure, I'll see you later for dinner, hope she makes you nice and crispy." I say, making him laugh. "Hey Zeke, Thanks for staying with me. I owe you." He turns around, walking backwords and says "Yeah, you do." He says, turns and walks away.
By the time I get back to the training room everyone has left, done for the day. I walk around the compound trying to look for Eric, but find him nowhere. I don't have to be at work today, I don't feel like going to my room so I decide to go to the simulation room. I first make sure no one is there. They know I only have four fears, but that doesn't mean I want them to know what they are.
As I enter the sterile white room, I take a deep breath before I sit down to clear my head. I take the syringe with the fear serum in and inject it straight into my neck, like I do almost every day. I don't even feel the sting anymore, it's like my body has become immune to it after all these years. Ironic I think, my body becomes immune to the one thing I can handle and that's pain, but my mind refuses to let go of my fears or to even change them.
Like always, there's nothing and then all of a sudden I am standing on top of 45 story building. Immediately the panic starts to kick in. My heart palpitates, my hands start to go clammy and I start to hyperventilate. They wind is blowing so hard and loud that I want to cover my ears and crawl into a ball. A take a step towards the edge of the building to see how I'm going to make it down this time. There is no door on the roof itself and no stairs running down the side. As I look down, all I can see is me plummeting down to my death, with no one to hear or see me. I take a quick scan around me and notice other buildings, all broken and putrefied after years of no one using them. There are no wires or ropes leading to them. "Think Four, THINK." I say to myself. There's no way else.
I walk to the other side of the roof and notice a balcony about 3 floors down. That's my only chance I think. I turn around and lower myself to the roof floor, letting one foot then the other dangle over. I lower myself over so that I am dangling from the roof, only my hands holding on for dear life. "Shit, Shit, Shit… I didn't think this through." There is no place for my feet, no leverage at all. My stomach turn into nots, like I might throw up. My vision starts to become blurry as I stop breathing and my hands start to slip. I clench my eyes shut, I don't want to see this, I don't want to see me falling to my death. My fingers are starting to ache from holding on so tightly and then it happens. I fall. For a moment it feels like I am flying and I feel liberated. Then I hit something solid and all the air goes rushing out of me. I turn on my side, gulping for my breath. As I look around me I see that I am on the balcony, a window right there. I stand up slowly, still seeing black and white spots from the fall and kick in the window and jump through. "I did it" I breathe, feeling nervous laughter bubble up inside me. I look around me and all I can see is black. The window I just came through is gone and I sense rather than feel the walls around me moving in. Confinement. I sink, hating this fear the least. I pull my legs up to my chest and tuck my head in between my knees and breathe slowly. This normally only last a minute or two. My thoughts start to wonder to Tris. Is she doing okay? Has she woken up yet? How does she look? I picture myself, wrapping my arms around her, holding her and protecting her. Kissing her. "Four" she breathes. BANG,BANG,BANG,BANG! All the walls around me fall away and I can stand. I start walking to the staircase on the other side of the building wanting to get away from here when suddenly I hear crying. I look back behind me, but there is no one there just an empty corridor, and as I turn around I see a woman, blind folded and tied to a chair. "Please, is someone there?" she cries. "Help me please." She starts to shake. There is a loaded 5ml hand gun lying two steps in front of me and I know what I have to do. I know I won't be able to loosen her bondages and I know I won't be able to set her free. "Just get it over with." I say to myself. I walk fast, pick up the gun, look away and pull the trigger. I hear a tiny yelp and then nothing. When I open my eyes there is nothing there but stairs. Run, I tell myself. As I head down the stairs I hear footsteps coming down them behind me and I start to pick up mu pace. Something make a whooshing sound, over and over again.
"Tobias, I'll catch you and when I do you'll be sorry." Run I tell myself. "Tobias! This is for your own good!" Smack. I run straight into a wall. There is no way out. I turn around slowly, knowing what I will see there. Marcus. Fear grips me so tight, I'm paralysed. I can't move or speak or breathe. He is holding his black leather belt, reeking of scotch brandy. "You are the reason she died on my Tobias. This is for your own good." He brings the belt down, across my face.
I sit up with a start. Dripping with sweat.
White walls all around me.
PS: Please take note that all the character and story line belong to the wonderful Veronica Roth.
Hope you enjoyed it.