Chapter 6
War descended on the galaxy and devoured everything in its path. Knight Aayla Secura, General Secura now, led her Clone troops in many campaigns. Her admiration for their courage, ingenuity, and execution of duty and training far exceeded any other group of non-Jedi she had ever known.
She even found the companionship of emotion that she had been searching for all of her life. Her men, her troopers, filled many holes in her life that had been gaping even through her fulfillment in becoming a Jedi Knight. Although she still held herself somewhat apart to maintain propriety and chain of command, she soaked up their auras and presence like a thirsty sponge.
Everything she had ever suspected about the power of emotional response in the execution of duty and the Will of the Force was confirmed by these slave soldiers who gave their lives and their deaths for the Republic they had never even lived in. The only families these men had were each other. The only emotional comfort they had had was each other.
As for emotional guidance, the Jedi leading the Clones was akin to teetotalers running meetings for recovering alcoholics. Without the requisite personal experience, the leadership couldn't provide any kind of model or help that was meaningful. Children without parents-an army of orphans fighting a war that made no sense.
Aayla was particularly moved by the Clones' loyalty to her. She, essentially a stranger to them when she was assigned, was given their unquestioning allegiance and unrestrained enthusiasm in her own protection. She had never felt so accepted and included, not even in the Temple. Aayla admitted to herself that although her feelings were not sanctioned by the Order she was glad for the experience.
Leading men in battles across the galaxy was very different from her undercover missions. She knew that her former Master continued to alternate between undercover and leading battalions of Clones himself. She also knew from speaking to him that his relationship with his soldiers was the complete opposite of hers.
Vos saw the Clones as barely better than droids. Built, programmed, used, and disposed of-these were the qualities of machines, not sentients. Vos had always had an easier time connecting with the underbelly of the galaxy than even his fellow Jedi-the darkness that permeated Quinlan's soul stimulating him toward both his own goals as well as the Order's.
Aayla respected her Master. She valued his companionship when she had it. And she truly believed he was a powerful Jedi in every sense. Not every individual could possibly manifest the Force and its will in the exact same manner. There would be no need for the diversity of life if that were the case. The Force shaped different tools for different purposes. This was one of the tenets that Aayla had always clung to when she felt most at odds with the Code and her fellows.
Therefore, her views and relationship toward the men she commanded differing from those of her Master did not surprise her. If anything, they gladdened Aayla because they confirmed what she already knew to be true. She was Jedi. But she was not anyone's duplicate. And that truth was more comforting than she had ever thought possible.
Thinking back to her days of connection with Obi-Wan, Aayla remembered her struggles to try to conform, to shape herself to match what she perceived as the mold of a Jedi Knight. She certainly felt that that was Obi-Wan's goal for Anakin. He strove to make him into a 'Jedi' as if that were one thing that they would all attain or not. He did not see the plurality that Aayla saw.
And that was why she had ended their conferences.
She didn't feel that she could learn anything more about what it was to be Jedi from him. She had to construct it for herself from that point on. That was what her experiences in undercover missions had taught her. Jedi was as broad a term as 'leader' or 'justice'. The infinite layers of meaning and degrees of significance were personal and individual. Just as each eye sees color differently, each Jedi becomes differently.
Thus, when the orders were issued for her battalions to join Master Kenobi and Knight Skywalker's forces on Roonala 3, she looked forward to meeting the man as an equal finally.
When the troop transport landed and the heavy doors opened, Obi-Wan stepped forward to greet Knight Secura. He was curious to see how she had changed in the time since they had enjoyed a certain intimacy of contact. He thought that outwardly she had changed but little.
"Knight Secura," he greeted her. "It is wonderful to see you again." He smiled his genuine warmth.
She returned the expression with a small bow of respect added on. "Master Kenobi. You look well, my friend." She gestured to Bly to deploy the troops onto the planet. Her second-in-command knew from experience what her orders would be; all would be arranged to her satisfaction.
She joined her fellow Jedi as he turned to lead her to their command center. The pleasantries over, in his opinion, he turned to duty. "We are grateful for the presence of the famed 327th, Aayla. We have hit a significant obstacle to defeating the Separatists here. Your advice and guidance will be much appreciated." He gestured her into the tent, where Anakin awaited them both.
"Knight Secura," Anakin greeted her with an incline of his head.
Aayla and Anakin had had precious little time to interact in their tenure with the Order. He and Obi-Wan had traveled on missions as extensively and continuously as she and Master Vos. And since she was more than a few years his senior, their peer groups had very little contact. But through her former connection with his Master, Anakin knew that Aayla was special.
Obi-Wan did not make time to spend it with someone who was less than worthy. And Obi-Wan's opinion meant everything to Anakin.
Therefore, he afforded this women respect as a matter of course-something very few other Jedi or individuals of any sort enjoyed from Knight Skywalker.
He gestured to the holomap the three of them now gathered around, their Commanders settling in behind them unobtrusively but reassuringly. "Here's the current situation. Just like the action on Ryloth, the Separatists are using the native population as living shields," Anakin paused and sucked in a deep breath, repressing his revulsion at such a practice. Aayla waited patiently for him to continue.
Setting his jaw, Anakin said, "Unfortunately, some of the native Roonalans have sided with the Separatists. They are exploiting a cultural divide in these people that has led to several genocidal purges in the past." Anakin pressed a series of buttons on the holomap emitter to bring up a series of faces of native Roonalans.
Aayla studied the people of this distant world. She saw few physical differences between the majority ethnic groups and the minority ones. Another example of trying to make everyone conform to one mold of who they think all Roonalans should be, she thought. It always made the GAR's work harder when the peoples were divided in their loyalties. She had no desire to hunt down sentients exercising their right to choose and decide for themselves. Droids had no such rights.
Obi-Wan took up the briefing then. "We've bombarded this central fortress for weeks to no avail. We need a less traditional frontal strategy. That's where your troopers skills will come in handy, Aayla," he said.
She looked into his blue eyes when he said her name. She had always liked his eyes. Kindness shone from them even as he tried to deny that he had any untoward emotions unbefitting a Jedi.
He continued, "We need your Special Forces to find a weak spot. Something we can exploit and widen until we can get a foothold inside." He gestured to the holoimage of said fortress where Aayla's eyes and strategic mind were already cataloging features that would be the easiest to exploit. Bly moved up a fraction closer to her, stretching to perform the same analysis.
When she was satisfied that she had three or four good starting points, she looked to Bly for his tacit agreement with her assessment. "Here, here, and here," she said succinctly as she pointed to the map. Bly nodded to each and then pointed out a few more. Aayla was impressed with his efficiency and accuracy.
She turned to Obi-Wan and Anakin, "At nightfall, we'll be off. Is there anything else?" The two male Jedi looked a little stunned at the speed at which she and her Commander assessed the situation. Anakin looked at Obi-Wan and seemed on the verge of saying something but bit it back.
Aayla suppressed her own grin. "If you think of anything, I'll be in my tent resting," she said. Then she ducked out of the command tent and made her way past her troopers, offering a few words here and there.
Anakin and Obi-Wan conferred with Rex and Cody briefly before dismissing them too. Then, Anakin had to ask.
"Has she changed much?" he asked with a small smile that was threatening to fall into a full-blown smirk.
Obi-Wan looked at him askance. "No, not really. Aayla always had her own ways of seeing and doing things. It was what I admired the most about her," he answered.
"You?" Anakin scoffed. "Admired unconventional tactics? Since when?" He crossed his thick arms across his thicker chest and stood menacingly over his smaller former Master.
Using the back of his hand to cuff Anakin lightly against the nearest bicep, Obi-Wan retorted, "Just because I don't want to go along with every hair-brained idea you come up with doesn't mean that I don't appreciate an unique approach to infiltration." He crossed his arms to meet Anakin stance for stance.
The younger man rolled his eyes, "Ok, Obi-Wan, whatever you say. I'll just step back from you so that the Force lightning that Qui-Gon is going to send your way for lying doesn't singe me too." He laughed at his own joke.
Obi-Wan couldn't help but smile at the reference to his Master. It was true that Qui-Gon had driven him to distraction with his flouting of convention. Ironic when you considered that he engaged in some pretty unconventional tactics to become Qui-Gon's Padawan in the first place.
"I remember you used to come back from talking to her and you'd be different. Almost cheerful. For days," Anakin continued.
"Yes," Obi-Wan responded distractedly, a faraway look in his eyes.
"But you stopped your meetings . . . " Anakin prompted. Anakin remembered that time well. He and Obi-Wan would often be at odds. And then Obi-Wan would see Padawan Secura for a short meditation and chat and return almost a different person. When they stopped meeting altogether, Anakin was quietly saddened for his Master. He had seemed to need whatever he got from the tête-à-têtes.
"Yes," Obi-Wan replied again in the same manner. When silence ensued, he looked at Anakin directly, realizing that his partner was awaiting a more detailed answer. "She ended them. I think I disappointed her. She was trying to tell me something that I either didn't want to hear or felt that I couldn't."
"Couldn't?" Anakin asked, his mind whirling at what that 'something' could have possibly been.
"Couldn't . . . understand. At the time. It's . . . complicated," Obi-Wan said, dismissing the subject summarily and walking away. He wasn't ready to discuss what Aayla's presence had prompted in him. He certainly wasn't ready to discuss his apprehensions as Anakin's Master with Anakin himself. Not yet. Not yet, he thought to himself.
As for Anakin, he was left to wonder what Padawan Secura had taught his Master.
After six standard years of meeting to discuss topics of emotion with the ginger-haired Master, Aayla had learned a lot about him. She knew that he liked to drink tea. She knew that he was a kind man. And she knew that she admired him for many, many things. She felt safe questioning the Code and the Order here.
But she also knew that there was a certain veneer to the older Jedi that she had yet to crack in all this time. He would talk at length about his Padawan and their struggles to maintain the balance of power and discipline in their relationship. She counseled him to the best of her ability given her lack of experience. Sometimes she suspected that she was just a sounding board more than a confidante. He didn't expect her insights, but he always welcomed them.
Whether he agreed with her or put any of them into action was another matter.
After she ended their habitual meetings, she occasionally bumped into Obi-Wan at the Temple. After she was knighted, he made a point of congratulating her the first time he saw her. She returned the favor upon Anakin's knighting-that accomplishment rightfully being shared by Master and Padawan.
But their interactions would mostly be classified as cordial. Not warm. Not friendly. It saddened Aayla to have been let go so easily, even though she was the one who had walked out. Obi-Wan practiced what he preached about attachment and emotions. He seemed to place no more value on her friendship than anyone else's.
Aayla resigned herself to this state of affairs.
And then she saw him in his role as High General of the GAR. And she was before him in her role as General as well. With their soldiers surrounding both of them, performing duties they were never trained for nor did they necessarily want to perform. And Aayla wondered. She wondered how the war had changed Obi-Wan. But more than that, she wondered if he would admit to any changes. Did Master Kenobi still espouse the Code so strongly?
Did a peace-loving Jedi who led thousands of men into battle after battle ever see the irony of his situation beyond the obvious? Did he understand now what she had been trying to tell him?
Would she have the courage to ask him?
The following evening, Aayla and her squads quickly formed up their usual configurations and executed their usual efficient insertions into hostile territory. The infantry followed them, igniting an enormous firefight that lit up the Roonalan skies and obscured the rest of the galaxy's lights. Although Aayla's troops were as experienced as any battalion in straightforward warfare, she preferred to conserve them for the types of operations they had just handled. Why waste their special forces skills as cannon fodder?
She had long since instituted a set of protocols for her men to blend and trickle to the back of the ranks, fighting where they could, saving who they could, but also maneuvering for the preservation of the team as much as possible. Their hard-won and hard-mastered skills were not to be thrown away lightly.
So when the word came that General Skywalker had been seriously injured, Aayla was decidedly too far away to help immediately. She knew he would be making his way back to her position in good time accompanied by medics. She waited for his arrival and kept herself busy in the meantime.
She was not prepared for the state of General Kenobi at the side of General Skywalker.
Obi-wan walked with one hand on the side of the stretcher on which lay Anakin, covered in blood. Ayala knew from experience that it was likely not all his own blood. But that didn't make it any less shocking. Nor did it do anything to prepare her for Obi-Wan's state of mind.
There was so much contained in those blue eyes that Aayla felt compelled to lower her gaze. The storm there was too powerful. The swirl in the Force around the two men was undeniably charged with attachment and empathy. Obi-Wan hurt when Anakin hurt. There was no denying it. Aayla suspected even the Clone troopers could feel it.
The medics moved Anakin into the medical unit, and Obi-Wan was temporarily separated from him by necessity. He was in no way sterile enough to enter a surgical theater. He stood at the closed doors for several moments before turning. Now he looked confused, lost. Aayla walked to him and took his arm. She led him to the mess for something to drink. She knew he had been in battle for hours.
He accepted the cup she pressed into his hands after she got him seated. He sipped absently at it. Aayla sat next to him, thoughtfully sipping her own beverage. She carefully controlled her breathing, concentrating on her favorite meditation forms in her mind. She tried to project calm into the whole room but especially centered on the man next to her.
"You were right," Obi-Wan rasped at length. "You were right." He repeated the mantra several more times between sips. Aayla waited. When he had at last drained the liquid, he set the cup down on the table before him. Then he cradled his forehead in his hands, covering his eyes. His elbows rested in their gauntlets on the plastisteel, flimsy protection for body and soul.
Aayla reached out a tentative hand to rest on his nearest shoulder. He shuddered as he felt her touch. He turned his head to peek out at her and see how she looked. He wondered if she would feel justified or vindicated. He wondered if she deserved to feel both, as un-Jedi as it would be to gloat over another person. But, no, he decided, she would feel what he was feeling.
That was her point. She cared, and she felt. She hurt because he hurt. Just as with Obi-Wan and Anakin's hurts and cares. They shared them. They had too. Their bond was too strong not to.
"I didn't want to be right, Obi-Wan," she said softly. "A great many things I have seen and done would have been a lot simpler and less taxing had I been wrong."
He nodded and returned to covering both eyes from her.
She continued, "Rightness was never my quest. Understanding, identifying, empathizing was my goal. You knew that to be true then, and it is still true now." She began rubbing Obi-Wan's shoulder now. "Do you want to talk about it?"
Obi-Wan let out a shuttering sigh just this side of an actual sob. When he could catch his breath, he began, "Every time he comes this close to death, I find myself doubting what I have believed all my life. I doubt that there is 'no death, only the Force.' For, without Anakin in my life, I can no longer see my purpose."
"He was my pupil, my Padawan. He is my partner, my best friend, my brother. I know him better than myself, it seems. I have certainly taken more time to understand him than myself," Obi-Wan's voice still scratched with the scorching of the battle's smoke and debris. But he was gaining momentum in his confession.
"I have spent so much of our relationship trying to train him out of his emotional responses. To little avail and my everlasting chagrin. But now . . ." he choked and coughed for a spell.
"Now?" Aayla prompted gently.
Obi-Wan turned fully toward her now. He placed both of his hands squarely on her shoulders. "Now, I don't know who I am. Am I the man I used to be-fully realized through the lens of war and battle? Or am I a new man who has been forged in this inferno? I'm so confused and frightened."
He stumbled on. "And the troopers. . . . thousands of them . . . every day . . ." he choked out again. "How can I go on seeing them slip away so easily, so fruitlessly? My point of view is so challenged by this war."
Obi-Wan's grip tightened on Aayla as he spoke. She reached up to grasp the hands and ease them in their stress. She composed her face to be the picture of serenity, projecting it for Obi-Wan to bathe in. He searched her face for his answers. Finally, he hung his head in apparent defeat.
Then Aayla spoke, trying to look into his downcast eyes, "I have observed you and your Padawan from a distance for many years. And what I saw was that you didn't see."
She paused to let him hear her and raise his eyes to hers. She reached out a blue hand and cupped the soft whiskers of his cheek. This, she thought to herself, is my gift from the Force. This is when I am most a Jedi. When I connect emotionally and help another living being.
When she had his attention, she continued. "You and your Padawan have always had a relationship that defied definition. We all knew it was unique in all the history of the Order. I came to know this personally when you brought your difficulties to me and discussed them. You were genuinely interested in understanding Anakin. You were an empathetic being for him. And you still are. You are just now realizing that you don't have to fight your own nature."
Aayla saw Obi-Wan's eyes widen at her revelations. This great Master Jedi had such a large blind spot when it came to his own capabilities. The only reason Aayla had continued their conversations as long as she had was because she knew that he was this person. And she also knew eventually that he would actualize it.
"You," Obi-Wan began in a whisper, "knew. You always knew. You were trying to teach me, to show me without pushing. You were my Master in this, Aayla. I am humbled and grateful." He placed his hand over hers on his own cheek, folding his fingers around her palm and squeezing gently.
She smiled gently at his words. She did not need praise or vindication. She had her reward in knowing herself as she helped Obi-Wan know himself.
Aayla said, "You were always struggling in that space between what you believed and what you knew to be your reality with Anakin. Your struggle was what made you so inflexible and staunch in your support of the Code when I would challenge you. The Code was the well-trod path. It was the place of consensus with other Jedi. It saved you from needing to deal with these conflicts of philosophy and behavior between the Force's Chosen One and the Order. You knew Anakin was Jedi, but you couldn't see how with his vast emotions."
Obi-Wan could do nothing but nod and hold on to her hand tightly.
"Be who you are, Obi-Wan. It gives you strength to share this tie to Anakin. Now you can share this tie with others and draw strength from them as well. You will find your own path-perhaps you already have. You have had a long emotional journey with your Padawan. The experience could guide you now."
Aayla had said her piece. She was satisfied that her friend was being guided by the Force as she was guided to help him in this time and situation of need.
Nodding, Obi-Wan said, "Thank you for your patience, Master Jedi. I apologize for being such a slow student, slow to understand and slow to change. But you never gave up on me-as the best teachers do not. I am indebted to you."
Then, a medic was at their side. Anakin was awake and asking for the General. Obi-Wan rose swiftly and made to follow behind the Clone. But then he turned back to Aayla and enveloped her in a hug. No more words were necessary between them.
He released her and marched toward his best friend.
Aayla rose and attended to her troopers, moving among them as sunlight caresses the grasses.
Months later, Order 66 was given, Anakin fell to the Dark Side, and Obi-Wan delivered a newborn to Tattooine. He had felt his friend Aayla die at the hands of the men she had fought for and beside so diligently. And as heavy as his heart was for all of his lost friends, he knew without doubt that she had found both her passion and her serenity in the Force.
The End.
Author's Note: I had no beta for this story, so any mistakes or weaknesses are mine alone. However, that also means I take full responsibility for any success as well!