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Gone Girl

Chasing Cars – Snow Patrol

There was probably a manual somewhere about losing your spouse to some deadly tumor or to a car crash. Why not this? If there was supposedly a manual about everything, there should be a book addressing the predicament he was in. Last Tuesday marked the anniversary of the day April disappeared three months ago.

Jackson washed his face for the fourth time wiping imaginary traces of sleep. He hadn't slept more than two hours per night for weeks now. Without the fucking manual of how to cope with the disappearance of one spouse to help him, Jackson did everything he could to find his wife. He went to the police before and after the 48 hours. He posted photos of her everywhere. He called her parents, her sisters, all her cousins, even the one who lives in Australia. He left messages to all the persons who knew her. His friends helped and they took turn with him as they searched Seattle at night. He used all his influence to send an alert on all the hospitals of the country. He hired a really good P.I. on Warren's advice. Nothing worked. April simply vanished on that day leaving her purse and phone behind. His life got suspended when that happened or maybe a part of him died... maybe all of him... He didn't know.

The days went by and soon it was months and still no one had heard of her. Her mother stayed with him for a while. But he just couldn't deal with her constant worry, guilt and grief, in addition of his own, and asked his mother and Richard to talk to her. She went home the next day. This happened three weeks ago and they still kept in touch. Although Jackson vowed to her to never stop looking for her, there was not much left to try. He sent a message on the local TV channel. His face soon was on every news channels as he became the guy everyone suspected of having cowardly murdered his own wife. He became this guy people looked sideways trying to remember where they saw him. He became the guy with the missing wife.

Wiping some steam on the mirror, Jackson stared at his reflection. He could barely recognize that guy with the unkempt beard and bloodshot eyes. He had a few grey hairs left to his temple. His stomach was just not as tight as it used to be. He did not eat properly. He had no time to hit the gym. He could be on a plane at any minute, flying to a morgue on the other end of the country, because the deceased would match closely the description of April. That was currently his life. Alex always went with him on those occasions. Last week a woman who looked like April was found drowned in San Francisco Bay. Everything matched, the size, age... But she was a brunet the autopsy had revealed later. And immersed in the water for some time, there have been no way to know that it wasn't April before he made the trip. How to explain the disappointment? How to hide it? How to keep the growing resentment from happening? How all of these make any sense? The disappointment must have shown on his face anyway because the journey back to Seattle was made in a creepy silence. He could see the unease growing on Alex's face. How did this happen? How the hell did this happen to them? When had he started to think of the better outcome as finding her body?

He remembered the first time he saw her. It seemed that long ago. He was standing with Reed and Charles on their first day in Mercy. She was raising her hand to ask a question. She stuttered nervously through it. He remembered thinking that it was impossible for a girl to be so nerdy in the year 2005. And when she dropped her book notes on the floor, his suspicion that she must never have had a boyfriend in her life was strengthened. Reed made a joke about it. Charles guffawed to please her. He didn't make any comments. He just kneeled down to gather her books for her and April almost dropped everything all over again when she looked into his green eyes. Later when he actually introduced himself as being the grandson of Harper Avery, she was the only one to look apologetically at him. As if she must have sensed how hard this very fact was for him. So now can someone can explain how do you go from this to this?

"Baby?"

He frowned pulling some clothes haphazardly on. He tried to gather some clothes in a pile while exiting the bathroom, sent a pile of junk in the dressing room, closing the door behind him. Catherine was standing in the middle of the kitchen, putting groceries in the fridge.

"Mom, you didn't have to. I can do that myself. "

"It's not much. Don't worry! I was just doing some shopping the other night with Richard."

She was obviously lying. Who would believe Catherine Avery would be caught dead in a Walgreen's aisle? Certainly not Jackson! That woman raised him.

"He had invited Maggie to dinner last Sunday. Richard had put the idea in his head that he could cook something special for her. The man believes he can cook like I believe I can sing sometimes. He can't as you and I know but still it's his daughter. He wanted to impress her... So, we mostly got everything in double in case he failed... I'm proud to say he didn't. "

"You call a cook behind his back?" Jackson said as he tidied up the living room.

"Yes, I called Fabrizio from the Montenegro to spice that Minestrone. Sue me! I'm a proud scheming wife! Maggie found it delicious. Everyone had a good time. Richard still thinks he can cook though. So instead of wasting these foods or give him anymore idea... I thought why not donate instead? "

He knew she was extremely worried about him.

"Mom. I'm fine."

"I know." She said and turned to him. "Are you sure you're ready to come back to work? No one is putting pressure on you, right."

"No one is putting pressure on me."

"I heard Harper called you."

"He just wanted to know how I was doing and if I was back at work. But that's the extent of the conversation we had."

"Ok. I don't want him to... You know. You take your time, baby."

"I'm fine."

"I know... But you can take all the time you want, baby. There's no need to rush. I can talk to Bailey. It's not an issue at all as you know."

"I know."

"You could take another few weeks... You could travel..."

Green eyes met with Hazel brown. He didn't need to voice his answer. He couldn't travel in case they find April. He needed to be here whatever the outcome. She stared at him, biting her lips nervously.

"That was a silly idea. Of course you can't be traveling! I was not trying to be insensitive. I understand what you're going through baby. Believe me in more ways than..."

"You're referring to Dad."

Catherine hesitated. She always did when addressing this particular subject.

"You know Warren told me everything before he left."

"I know. You told me."

"Still, I've never heard your side of things."Jackson mused in.

"I doubt it would be of any help in your situation. I mean you already got so much on your plate. This is the past."

Jackson nodded slowly, entirely unconvinced. But conviction was what he lacked most these days, he was unsure of anything and everything.

"I shouldn't have bring up travelling and such. I only have silly ideas these days."

His hands in the pockets of his jeans, Jackson shrugged, forcing a weak smile on his lips.

"Calling Fabrizio to the rescue was a pretty smart move."

Shaking her head, she was trying to rein in her anger, not letting it simmer to the surface just like Jackson in fact. Unlike Jackson who was a master at passive aggressive behaviors, Catherine was the brutally honest type. She slammed her key on the table angrily.

"You have no idea how frustrating this is for me?! What was she thinking?! Really?l Who disappear like that? "

"Mom..." He stopped. He was hoping she wouldn't cry. Jackson could deal with her anger. But he honestly stood no chance if she started to cry .

Catherine shook her head trying to bury those tears before they fall.

"I'm sorry... I shouldn't have... I'm just... I can't see you hurt. It's so frustrating to me."

"I know."

"I hate this ! I feel so hopeless."

"I know. It's ok, mom. I'm fine."

She left everything in the kitchen to get closer to him. A maternal hand caressed his cheek. He nodded.

"I'm fine." Jackson repeated again and again.

If he said it often enough maybe it will turn out to be true.

"We will find her. We're gonna find her. I promise, baby. We will not stop."

" Too bad. Maybe we should stop... " He shrugged and turned to face the windows.

"Jackson..."

" I wish she was dead. I wish that... I pray whatever god for her to be dead, mom. I just wish for peace. Hers. Mine. I wish we could stop tormenting each other. I wished it had been her...lying on that table. It's the same. I entered a cold room and it's not her. I don't know where she is. I can't sleep. I can't eat. Is she in pain right now? Because I'm in pain. Mom. I remember her face. I remember how much I love her. I remember that I should have told her...that day... instead of telling her how much I wanted out of this marriage. I wished I told her I never loved anyone like I love her. I wished I told her I'm so sorry Samuel is dead. I wished I told her. But I didn't... I didn't say anything. Now she's gone! I don't know what to do ! This needs to end. One way or another. Right? Maybe I'm finally over this whole thing? I want... I need to be over her because I'm drowning without her."

"Oh Jackson! Oh Baby!"

Catherine reached for him and hugged him with all the strength she could muster.

"I feel barely alive, mom. That's why I need to work. I need to do something. Anything."

She nodded against his shoulder.

"Okay! Okay, baby! Let's get you to work, honey!"