Spring

(Warning: There is some intense language during Tomoya's monologue. If you are bothered by such language, then proceed in the italicized text with caution.)

Spring... I used to hate this season because it was the series of months right before summer, and even though the dreadful cold of winter had passed, I still had to stay in school...

But that's probably a very childish view. Spring represents a brand new start, a chance for everything we did during the last year to be redone...

And so, that spring, I guess I saw that happen firsthand.

The bullet flew through Kyou's shoulder, and she went down.

I kept my hands over Minoru's eyes, and my arms tried to cover his ears, but that kid was still bawling.

Who could blame him, though? His dad just shot his mom in the shoulder, and that miserable excuse for a man ran off like the spineless fool he became.

I rushed forward and held Kyou's uninjured shoulder, shaking her a little, though it was probably a bad idea. "Kyou! Hang in there!" I quickly used my free hand to call an ambulance...

The cops found Tomoya eventually, and though Kyou didn't press any charges, we heard him explain himself...

Apparently, it goes something like this:

My father... Was a failure.

I'd come home every day just to see his drunk face smile at me, as though I was a stranger, and I couldn't stand him...

My mother died before I could remember her... You don't understand, do you officer? You don't understand what it's like to remember a mother's touch but to forget her face...

So, because of this, I practically had no mother, and my father was practically a stranger, so I just winged through life 'till I entered some bigshot high school.

I have no idea how I got in, but after I did this old man named Komura helped me find a friend, Sunohara Youhei, who I hung out with. Youhei made me feel better about myself, because no matter how pathetic I'd be, he'd be even more so. Sometimes I pitied him, other times I helped bully him, and generally it felt good comparing myself to him.

Then, along the way I met a girl... Fujibayashi Kyou. She was violent, yes, but cute, in a way. For a while I didn't know she liked me until much later, and even then it involved her hooking me up with her little sister and having all of us go crazy over our feelings for each other. Her sis got over me, though, and I got Kyou as a reward for hanging in there.

Kyou and I got married, and we had a kid...

But at that time I knew that Sunohara found a job, and I heard from some people that he was making a lot of money... More money than me, and I was an electrician for crying out loud!

But being an electrician and Kyou being a kindergarten teacher wasn't enough to keep us happy. Kyou liked a lot of expensive gadgets and stuff... Way back when she used to play a lot of computer games and visual novels, thinking that no one knew, but we could all tell from talking to her every now and then.

She kinda stayed a gamer, though more sparingly, but even a casual gamer needs better equipment, and needs to keep up with the tech of the times, and that basically wiped out my salary as a novice electrician. It was Kyou's salary that got us enough for food, to pay the rent, to pay for our car, hell, I even forced Kyou not to drive a car in order to not have to make payments for another one. She used her old scooter instead, and even then gas for both that thing and my car were killers...

Caring for a kid took a lot of work, too. Do you know how much money it takes to replace diapers again and again, along with feeding the damn thing? You don't, do you officer? You don't know what it's like living on the edge, having to feed a bunch of mouths with a puny salary!

I started drinking, drinking 'cuz I wanted to forget all of this... And, little by little, I realized that I was my dad... I became my father. I became the man I hated. So, I figured, maybe it was best for me to destroy the car, to leave Kyou and Minoru, so that they wouldn't have to deal with me: a failure, a worthless man, a drunkard, and a loser...

So, officer, I lived on the streets after trashing that fucking car. I destroyed that damn thing and all the payments that went with it. I made so little money, anyway, and Kyou was doing well in her job. She always got awards for being the best teacher in the district, and I was betting on the fact that she'd make money and be able to live on her own, without having to worry about it...

Then, then that Sunohara found me at some bar. At least, that's what he told me when I woke up the next morning at his place. I was surprised, here he was, the worst student in our entire high school and the idiot who everyone hated. Yet, instead of being some homeless idiot bum on the street, Youhei Sunohara was a ridiculously successful businessman making a lot more money than Kyou and I did combined.

I laughed, thinking that it was so ironic that Youhei was doing so well while Kyou and I lived in the dumps, but Youhei got pissed when I laughed. He told me to look in the mirror and see myself, and then talk to him later... That bastard...

I looked in that mirror, all right. I looked in the mirror and I saw my father...

And I got out of there as fast as I could...

You know, officer, I doubt there are people in this world who understand how resourceful you have to be in order to live in the streets. You have to find a bridge, or an abandoned shack, something for shelter each day. You have to find food, whether it comes from the trash or from someone else's plate. It's not easy, living on the streets, but I pulled it off. I didn't have to ask for welfare or nothing like that. I wonder if you've seen or heard of anyone else who can say that.

So, yeah, I lived just fine, alright. Just fine until I heard a girl cry my name, and I was, as you can imagine, shocked that Kyou would find me like this. But, by the time I turned around, she was running the other way. And it was at that moment when I realized how hopelessly screwed I was.

You know, I met this one guy when we were both hunting for food in a dumpster. He carried an old pistol with him, something that looked like it would rust itself useless soon. He told me that he was considering whether he should use it on himself, as he bought only a single cartridge for the thing and he used to use it as a hunting device, as he used to hunt for a hobby until some fire hit his house and his insurance company practically folded in on itself and screwed him over.

I told him to keep digging for food, and we both found enough to our liking that day. I hung out with him for a while, when one day he handed me the gun, and told me how he felt that it would probably be very painful and stupid if he failed to kill himself with one shot.

So, as we wandered the outskirts of the city together, he suddenly ran into the middle of traffic for a highway leading out of the city... He ran right in front of a huge truck, and, as you can expect, he got cut into quite a few pieces. I watched the whole thing, and as the paramedics were cleaning everything up, I left that place. No one gave a damn about a hobbo, and no one cared to ask the witness, that hobo's "compatriot," if you will, who that hobbo was. He was just another dead body to them, to be honest with you. That's why I don't trust those rich bastards for shit.

I carried his gun, and thought about him often. Here was a guy who killed himself because his life was so horrible. To be honest, my life wasn't that much better than his. Why did I still hang around? It wasn't like Kyou or Minoru needed me around, anyway.

As I walked along, thinking about all this, Sunohara suddenly closed in on me. By the time I spotted him, he had almost reached me, and thus I decided to escape from him. Why did I have to let myself get humiliated by that idiot, anyway?

But then, when I tried to escape him, Kyou suddenly appeared, and I found myself running from both of them... I got myself trapped in an alley, and Kyou slowly approached me.

I knew what I had become. I was my dad. I was the man I hated, just younger than he was... Kyou tried to embrace me, but I couldn't accept it... I'd become shit, and she shouldn't have to touch shit, right?

Then, before I knew it, I saw bright lights. They came from everywhere, like out of some bad Sci-fi movie, except that I wasn't dreaming.

I saw so many images...

One was of Tomoyo and me, and together we were walking under a row of cherry trees.

Another was of me and some girl with blue hair. She wore two hairpins that looked like pink balls... And we were kissing.

A third was me and Ryou, and we were both smiling...

And the last... I saw me and that girl from a while back... She held a little girl in her arms, and she gave me this big smile... I guess she found something fun to do in the end...

And all these memories, from times I didn't remember at all, and in a bunch of different places started appearing before my eyes. I saw Sunohara in a trance, too, and Kyou looked like she had totally snapped out of it, as though she was sleepwalking.

I remember wondering what the hell was going on... What were these memories? Were they examples of better lives I could have had? And why would they show up now?

I saw Sunohara get back to normal first, and another ball of light flew from him towards her. Kyou had a couple of lights circling her, but soon they dimmed and she quickly went back to approaching me. (1.)

The light around me started to glow brighter, and those memories, memories I never experienced before, started to burn brighter in my head. I couldn't take it anymore! Why were they showing up? Were they God's taunts, telling me how absolutely useless I was as a husband? Were they a curse declaring that I failed in my search for happiness with Kyou? Was that it?!

I couldn't stand seeing those damned happy faces... Those fake smiles, those laughs, those looks of longing from each of those girls... No, this had to end now.

At that moment, I heard the shattering of glass. It was over. The light was gone... Those memories were over, but then I found myself overwhelmed with grief. Why was I still alive? Wasn't I a failure? I could have made Kyou happy like I did for those girls, but I failed miserably... I failed as a father... I failed as a husband... I failed as a man.

That old friend was right in giving me that gun. I pulled it out, and aimed for my chin...

Then Kyou leapt forward and grabbed my arm... The gun was yanked out of position.

BAM!

Towards her shoulder... And I saw the bullet burst through, and the blood started to flow down the front and back of her shoulder blade...

I gasped... What had I done? I shot Kyou...

And as she collapsed, I ran once again... How could I bear looking at her? How could I bear looking at that other idiot now? Now... Now I truly was a failure... A criminal who failed, no less! I could no longer hope to walk along in this world... Now, now I was worth no more than dirt...

So, officer, I don't give a fuck. Arrest me if you will, throw me in a jail and hand me a belt, if you'd please. I have nothing to live for, any longer. Kyou might forgive me, and she might say that I have a son to raise, but please, give me a break. How can someone like me raise Minoru anyway? The kid's better off with Sunohara Youhei as his surrogate father. Maybe Kyou will be happier with that fool. At least he's rich and loyal as hell...

The cops didn't know what to do with him after that. Since Kyou insisted that no charges be filed against Tomoya, they let him go, and watched him walk off into the night. I don't know what the hell he plans to do with his life, or if he's already dead... But, if you ask me, Okazaki Tomoya died long ago. That shell is not my old friend, no, that shell is truly a piece of trash.

Kyou, well, she's moved on, I guess. She and Minoru have moved in to an actual apartment, since they could barely afford that house anyway. We live only about two blocks away from each other, and I visit her often. Kyou's thanked me more than enough for what I tried to do, but I honestly didn't do anything, other than help get somebody to get that bullet out of her shoulder, and help give her support at a time when it looked like she really needed it.

That Kyou, seriously, she can look so tough, but I think she's pretty broken at the moment. But, what can I say? Every time I try to comfort her, she'll calmly wave me off with a fake smile. Okazaki Tomoya, or the shell that he's become, you have no idea what the hell you've done...

Or maybe he does. Maybe that, that thing does know what it did to Kyou. But maybe it no longer cares, because it's too broken to care. So, is this fate? Was I forced to watch two people I've known for so long break down like this? Man... Though it's quite lonely, I guess it's good to be single. That way I won't have to worry about this kind of crap.

Fin

1. If you've played the Visual Novel, then I'll say this: The first light (the one that triggered that 'flashback' ish event from the last chapter), was Sunohara Youhei's light, retrieved by Fujibayashi Kyou... Considering Youhei's longtime loneliness, I don't think I need to explain why that light exists.

Author's note: Depressing ending, I know, but I intended for that to be this way. Dear readers, if Chapter three didn't warn you enough of what would happen in the end, then I guess you were kind enough to stick around till you found this ending.

Kyou fans, please don't hate me for this, but I think that the problem of a Kyou/Tomoya relationship is not Kyou, by any means, but Tomoya. His emotional trama is something even Tomoyo couldn't cure, though she was able to help him mask it and hide it well. Only Nagisa, it seems, has the power to "fix" Tomoya. Only Nagisa can force Tomoya to become a man. And, for that, I think she's the best match, though I still am a Tomoyo fan to the bitter end.

Thanks for reading, and see you soon!